Survivor

Reflecting on the loss of a deeply wanted pregnancy a year ago today. Lots of big complicated feelings to unravel. Picking up the pieces of shattered dreams is never easy and it's taken a serious toll on me and my family. 

I am grateful to know that I am stronger and more resilient than I ever wanted to be. 

And grateful to everyone who has stood by my side this past year to hold me up when I wasn't strong enough to stand alone. Life is nothing if not messy and complicated with beautiful moments scattered throughout. 

I survived this past year and will focus my next on gratitude for the beautiful things that are all around me.

For Me.

Microblog Mondays

I did a few things just for me this week.

On Thursday I let my sister talk me into going on a cruise, my her and my mom. I desperately needed something to look forward to.

On Saturday I sat in the sunshine. It was glorious.

Today I went for a walk when I got home from work. a quick walk around the block, and it felt so good.

On Wednesday I am taking the day off work to go to Science Camp. I'll visit with our local fifth graders and their teachers who are there all week and maybe get to play some games too.

A few things, just for me.

How Are You?

I found the Momastary blog after reading 'Love Warrior'. I loved Glennon's book and was desperate to consume more of her wisdom and beauty.

One of her posts from way back in 2014 includes a list of questions that you can ask a spouse instead of "How was Your Day?" I loved her contradictory complicated stream of consciousness response that remained unspoken when she was asked that question by her husband. It was so real.

I hate being asked "how are you?". It's such a fake loaded question.  No one who asks that question really wants to hear the real answer, especially if it is a complicated sad unfixable kind of answer. I have many of the same feelings about the 'When are you going to get pregnant?' question, and the 'you only have one?' question, but I hate lying so over the years I've had a whole set of different answers that I use to respond but deflect the question. Right now it is "I'm trying hard to focus on the things I am grateful for." It's not a lie, but it sure leaves the truth hidden safely away.

What I just realized reading Glennon's post is that I still ask people that same question - the question that I hate - "How Are You?" There are so many other questions that I could ask. I never thought about the fact that I am asking others to put on their mask and respond to me with some half-truth because we have all been taught how to answer that question in a way that makes the person asking feel good, regardless of the reality that you are experiencing. This week I am going to practice asking other questions and really being present to listen to the answers, starting at home.

For Work:
What are you working on?
Have you had any victories lately?
Do you have any exciting trips planned?

For Home:
What made you feel happy today?
Can I give you a hug?
What are you looking forward to today/tomorrow/ this week?

Language is indeed a gift.

Open Wounds

Love Warrior Glennon Doyle Melton wrote: "Make sure you're sharing from your scars, not your open wounds" and I agree, but how do you get the support and encouragement you need to heal when you are hiding your open wounds?

time for a blog remodel

I read a book this weekend. I rarely ever read anymore, and rarely ever finish a book when I start one. This one was like reading candy, it was really easy, and make me feel like I am not alone. Life is messy and complicated and hard and beautiful and there are no right or wrong answers. We are all just stumbling our way through it, doing the best we can.

If you can spare time for a good read I recommend Love Warrior by Glennon Doyle Melton. If you do read it, will you let me know so we can talk about it?  I feel like I need to talk about it.

Reading it made me remember how wonderful my blog was when was really difficult before.  I quit writing because I felt like it wasn't my story to tell anymore, but today I am taking back my words and owning my part of this messy complicated story. Circumstances are different this time, but I'm going to stick with this blog and find a new community of writers and hopefully reconnect with my old friends here.

I am trying really hard to focus on the things that I am grateful for, even when it feels like so much else is falling apart and out of control. I am grateful for this space and today I reclaim it as my own.

Anyone doing blog design work and want to help me with a little 'remodel'? Let me know.

xoxo

when

When do things cross the point of no return?

When do you reach the point at which a decision has been made, even if you haven't made a decision?

I'm struggling tonight. about our remaining embryo. about the my future in my career. about my marriage. The unknowns are feeling overwhelming and and I feel like I don't have control of any of it.

Last night Mr Fox started talking about adoption. So. Many. Emotions. flow straight into my throat and I don't know how to begin untangling them. and today all of those emotions sit like a rock in my stomach. As I went thru my day, it became clearer and clearer to me that the biggest issue that this conversation brings up for me is the health and strength of my marriage. Mr Fox continues to drink, to drink to excess, and to resist disclosing his drinking in an honest and respectful way.

I've been going to my alanon meetings and trying to let go of my focus on his issues, but the reality is that this issue is like a cancer growing in our home. It's not causing trauma in the moment, but is like termites slowly chewing away at our foundation. and at some point the foundation will rot away and it will be too late to stop the house from collapsing. At what point is it too late to tent the house, and instead call the contractor to re-build?

We have this great therapist, and make 'agreements' about our behavior in between sessions. I leave every session feeling hopeful about what I can expect from Mr Fox. and then little by little my hope erodes as the agreements fail to materialize. I vocalized this disappointment at our last session, hopeful yet again that by calling it out that it might change, but I should have known better.

And all the while Mr Fox thinks that things are better because I am not harping on it all in between our therapy sessions. He is sitting there talking about adoption, and all I can think is that he would have to stop drinking before I considered adding a child to our family.

Boom, there is a decision about our embryo. A decision that I didn't make, but was made somewhere along the way.

Boom, there is a decision about my career choices. A decision that I didn't make, but is made because of this motherfucking addiction.

and here I sit, waiting for the Boom, the decision that there is nothing left of this marriage to salvage.

The election hasn't helped with my ability to control catastrophic thinking.  I'm sick watching what is happening to my Country, and scared about the future that I am raising my son to live in.  As much as I try to maintain perspective on the political realities we are facing, and listen with an open heart to those who have different views than I do, the truth about what is to come is becoming clearer with every appointment (and tweet).

If I don't catch you before - I do wish you all a joyful holiday with you families. You are all in my thoughts often. xoxo

Winter Approaching

What a year it's been.  I'll be glad to bid farewell to 2016 in the same way I counted the days until the end of 2009. But I'm surviving.

My sister delivered her twins yesterday. They are simply perfect. We got to see them minutes after delivery thru the nursery window and my heart was so relieved to see them finally here and healthy.

I held my nieces and told them that we've been waiting for so long to meet them and already love them so very much.

Then I held my beautiful son as he held his infant cousin, cupped her tiny hand inside his and said that he loved her. Melt.My.Heart. It was one of those moments that was so insanely full of complicated emotions, Love, Grief, Joy, Sadness, Relief, Deep Sorrow, and so so so much love for my sister and her family. These babies could not have been more wanted.


It's Thanksgiving and I have much to be thankful for.  But I also get to reflect on surviving this most awful and challenging year. Since July when I posted last Mr Fox and I started seeing a new therapist. Intense conversations that inevitably leave me in tears after every meeting. What is clear is that our love is strong and deep and enduring. What is clear is that Mr Fox is wholly unwilling to admit to his drinking problems. And what is underneath all of this is years of infertility and infertility treatments followed by years of postpartum mood disorders that we are both still grieving and recovering from. And as of today, I know that we are both trying and I feel hope for our future as a family.

falling apart.

It's all falling apart. Tonight he told me that if I couldn't accept and love him, including his drinking, that I could move out. I told him that if he was serious about that then he should give our tenant notice tomorrow.

Shit shit shit, this is NOT how it is supposed to be. I am so scared and lonely.  I don't know what to think or what to do.

I am sick to my stomach thinking that this was our last holiday as a family.

Feeling SO MUCH Better

I spent this morning reading back through my posts of the past couple months. The timeline was much longer in my head, and I was thankful to have some of my thinking documented along with the dates that different things happened.

I am feeling SO MUCH better - like back to my old self. Still protecting my mind and heart from high stress situations, but feeling like I can handle what the future holds.

We went camping over memorial day weekend. It was wonderful - primitive car camping in the Los Padres National Forest. There were a lot of bugs and even with lots of deet I came home with plenty of mosquito bites, yuk. We camped just above a small creek and spent most of our days in the shade of the creek, or exploring down the river. There was a swimming hole deep enough to float around in and enough moving water that the sediment cleared quickly. We had to leave on Sunday night though because Mr Fox came down with the flu. It was a reminder for me that I need to be outside more.

 I have an appointment with my Dr for tomorrow afternoon. We'll review my medication and I'm going to ask to eliminate the last two medications (abilify and gabapentin) that were added when everything fell apart. If possible I'd like to get back to just taking the Lexapro, and also eliminate the Wellbutrin. I am also going to ask for a referral to a nutritionist for some help getting my weight back down to at least what it was before this mess (175), and ideally back to my pre-pregnancy weight of 155. I want to be healthy, but I also want to feel good about my body again. I am also going to ask about the status of my referral to a sleep specialist to talk about Delayed Sleep Phase Syndrome.

The other big weight that I got off my shoulders last week was interviewing and choosing a couples therapist. We met with two different people and Mr. Fox chose the one who has a strong background in recovery. I was surprised, honestly.  She called him out for his drinking and basically said that it was going to ruin us sooner or later and she at least wanted to warn him/us. She came to us highly recommended and we'll see her once a week. Our first appointment is tomorrow.

Shopping for Plus-Sized clothing Sucks

I will be attending a few high profile events next week that require me to wear professional attire. Normally this would be a challenge, because I am lucky enough to have a typical wardrobe of jeans and a nice blouse, or if necessary a pair of slacks and a nice blouse.

The medication that I've been taken has led to a weight gain of nearly 30 lbs in 2 months and nothing fits. I ordered some yoga pants on amazon, and since I'm out of work, that has been my daily outfit. It sucks in its own right to feel so out of control of my body in addition to my mind.

So last night I went to the mall. I told the lady at the fancy store I never shop in because it is crazy expensive that I needed help selecting an outfit. OMG I must have tried on dozens. It was painful. At least the sizes were right, for the most part, but the styles were so far from anything I would ever choose it was hard to see ME behind the clothing.

The other big challenge was finding something that hid my tummy which could, for anyone everyone who knew that we were doing IVF is going to be watching as an indicator of my 'pregnancy'. Because we all know that IVF = pregnancy = a baby. The last thing I need is someone at these events to make a comment that brings me to tears, and the tears are so close to the surface that it wouldn't take much.

The nice lady helped me walk away with an outfit that I immediately wanted to return. But I brought it home, and curled with Mr Fx on the couch and cried about how hard it was to go shopping for clothing in this body that I feel has betrayed me.

In other news, I bought a FitBit ChargeHR and am working really hard to get as much walking as I can in everyday. I know that some of the weight won't come off till I eliminate certain medications, but until then, I am going to spend my extra time trying to control what I can.