cranky

Here to vent, so that hopefully I can get it off my chest and then fall asleep.

I get so angry at Mr Fox when I am the one who has to be responsible for everything. Its not that he doesn't help, he does, but somehow I am always the default, always the one who has to make sure that our child is fed, bathed, dressed for bed, ready for bed, and put to bed. Its not that i don't love doing these things with my little fox, but it pisses me off that Mr Fox can spend an entire evening with his ass on the couch, not getting up once.

And yet when I bring it up, to say, hey, I wish you could help more in the evenings. I get the defensive, are you saying I don't do anything around here? No that is NOT what I am saying. I'm trying to communicate, I am trying to for your help, rather than stewing over the fact that you didn't help tonight. Its a lose lose deal.

And so here I am, angry. Hiding in the bedroom. Its not solving anything, and only making me more angry that he doesn't even notice that I am gone.  Grrr...

I hate this feeling, of anger and resentment, I hate it. It is a shitty way to feel, and really confusing because I can't remember ever feeling this way before we had little fox. and I hate the implication that it is because of little fox that these emotions surface.

Damn I hate this feeling of being alone.

And to make my emotions even more complicated, I feel like I *should* be getting *more* because its been two months of AA. I tried so hard to leave lots of space for the process, to set aside any expectations, but i tell you, its hard to not want it all, and want it all now. I still feel so disconnected, and now I really don't know how to approach it.

Not resolving anything here as I write, just making myself more upset. Maybe its time to try and talk again. I just want to know that this is a rough patch and that things will resolve.

this and that

Happy 4th of July!

Mr Fox just hopped on his bike to ride downtown. I'll pack little fox up when he wakes from his nap and meet him downtown for the festivities. So I find myself with a few minutes of peace, just for me.

My anxiety is running out of control this week. That feeling where my insides are vibrating and my thoughts could cease to be my own at any moment, it sucks, and I don't like it.

To my credit, there IS a lot going on right now. But I did get a little lax about taking my medications daily too. So I have some faith that if I can just ride it out that things will feel better soon.

I really think too, that I was trying SO hard to hold it together during this past month, not knowing what was going to happen, that I finally am starting to relax again and all of the fear and anxiety that I was holding inside is emerging.

Mr Fox has been going to his AA meetings everyday. and last night I finally hired a babysitter so that I could go to an alanon meeting. I cried the whole hour, but it was tears of relief really, that I was there knowing that Mr Fox was at his own meeting.

My co-worker had her baby this week, so I'll be working more hours to cover for her while she is on leave. The reality of our job-share is that we each get paid 20 hours /week to work something much closer to 30. I'll be officially working 30 hours/week while she is on maternity leave, but can't realistically do much more than that. So I am looking at a task list that requires 60 hours/week and only have 30 hours/week to get things done... Being at work, where I usually feel like I am getting a 'break' felt extra stressful this week. I actually, for the first time ever, wondered if I would prefer to not work outside the home.

But then there is Mr Fox, who confirmed this morning, as I suspected, only has one active project right now. On the one hand its good that he has this time to focus on self-care, meetings, exercise, rest, etc... but on the other hand, he really needs to be working because, you know, we have bills to pay.

I suggested that maybe he could take on an extra day of watching little fox, since he wasn't actually working 4 days /week. (My mom watches him 3 days a week and we each watch him 1 day /. week) He started to balk, implying that it wouldn't be fair or something, but I immediately called him out on it. My days are scheduled to the T, with NO free time for me - Yet he gets all the free time he wants because he is not working as much right now? That crap makes me angry.

Closing on a positive note - can you believe how freakin adorable my little fox is? Seriously.

The SHU

I've started reading the Scary Mommy blog and loved the recent post about how "Orange is the New Black Prepared me for Motherhood".

http://www.scarymommy.com/orange-is-the-new-black-prepared-me-for-motherhood/

The section that had me laughing out loud was:
"#2 Say Goodbye to Privacy. The bathroom stalls at Litchfield Correctional don’t have doors. And Piper found out the hard way that there are no private bedrooms, unless you get sent to the SHU. Motherhood is just the same, minus the luxury of an isolation unit."

I think that my single biggest surprise about parenting is that I would desperately long for time by myself. Never could I have expected that I would crave being along in a bed ALL NIGHT LONG, or want to take a vacation all by myself. It is rather ironic, right?

I've been stashing away little bits of money for a while now, with the intention of using it to go away for two nights all by myself to a beautiful retreat center that is a few hours from home. Maybe for my birthday later this Fall. Just to have some quiet time by myself, to sit, and think. and Sleep.

Making a Committment

One of the reasons I signed up for the Soul Coaching program is because I want to be very intentional about the volunteer commitments that I am making. There are so many things that interest me, and that I want to be a part of. Figuring out which ones are going to feed my soul, which ones are working with people who will inspire and encourage me, which ones I can have the greatest impact on, these are the questions that I need some time and space to ponder.

Today I am supposed to make a commitment to myself - something that I am committing to for the next 28 days.

I think that the most significant thing I can do for me, right now, it to commit to not making any commitments in the next 28 days. I am committing to give myself this space, this time, this process, so that I can think clearly about the opportunities and choices I have, and make intentional decisions about where and how I want to invest my time and energy.

At this moment, I think that the choices before me include:

- re-engaging in the early childhood development parent education non-profit I started many years ago. We just got notification that our big funder has renewed funding for the coming year. and no one on the current board is willing to step into a leadership position. What are the conditions that would need to be in place for me to decide to step back into the organization, and am I willing to take on a leadership role if I do?

- the local charter school, one that we would seriously consider sending little fox to is in the beginning process of building a new campus. I met with the Board President and walked away feeling so excited and energized. In a previous career I worked for a private school as we designed and funded a new campus. It was such incredibly rewarding work. And if I joined the board we would have priority, basically a guarantee lottery selection for little fox, in a few years when he is ready to start school. AND they want to include facility space and build programing for early childhood development classes - and are looking for a lead on the board to champion this work. (me?)

- Birth advocacy. I've been working with a very cool national organization that advocates for evidence-based maternity care and informed-consent for pregnant women. It is a fledging organization, with incredible success already under its belt, and the potential to grow in some meaningful ways. The energy of the Board is awesome. I love the entrepreneurial start-up mentality of everyone involved, and feel like I have so much to offer. The work I've done already has been really satisfying and significant in moving the group towards their goals.

- nothing. its definitely on the table. Maybe what I really need to do right now is ... nothing... nothing extra. Focus on my family. Be present for my little fox. Find ways to reconnect with Mr Fox. Visit my Tutu for lunch more often. plan my sisters baby shower (HURRAY!). be a friend to bestie. Maybe I need to take a time-out, disengage from volunteer work for a period of time, and just be.

- something else? I am open and listening.

Soul Coaching - Life Assessment

One of the questions that I was asked in my application was "what is your life purpose?"

I skipped it as I answered the other questions. because I didn't have an answer.

I mean, the only life purpose I've ever had was to become a mom.
Well duhh, I realized in that moment how far I've come in the past few years. Five years ago that question would have left me sobbing, and yet here I am today skipping the question because my life needs are met.

The next question asked me if I was living my life purpose? Without hesitation I answered absolutely! Which seemed strange since I wasn't able say what that purpose was. It didn't matter. I am confident that I am exactly where I need to be in my life right now.

What do I intend for the next 28 days? I think that maybe I just intend to make some space in my life for me, some space that will allow me to make intentional choices about where to give my time and energy. I intend to be open to the thoughts and ideas that come as a result.

What looks like resistance is often a lack of clarity. I will create space for change. My soul loves the truth.

taking care of me

I signed up for a 28 day Soul Coaching program. It seemed a little bit 'out there' but a few women who I really like and respect spoke highly of it, so I figured, why not. A big flowered box arrived in the mail last night containing a silk fabric, a binder with daily readings and assignments, a journal, and a few other goodies. This afternoon I'll join our first weekly conference call group meeting.

I'm overwhelmed at the thought of adding anything additional to my list right now, but excited that this is something that is really only just for me. It is for me to give to me. and I think that might be the right thing for me right now.

There are a handful of other things that I am flirting with engaging in... but am wanting to be really intentional about where I commit my energy. and I can't do it all. So it is really coming down to finding the right places with the right people to do work that is productive and meaningful.

My job share partner is expecting her second baby any day now and I'll be increasing my hours at work, so I need to be extra careful about my commitments given that I'll have even less time.

I've been exhausted the past week, like SO tired. But I think that it is going to take more than just sleep to restore me. It is the kind of emotional exhaustion that weighs on me so heavily. It is manageable so long as I am doing the right kind of work surrounded by the right kind of people. So that is my focus.

Mr Fox is 6 days sober with six meetings under his belt. It is good, but I am finding myself holding my breath that he is going to follow through with it.

We celebrated my grandma's 90th birthday last night. I love that woman so much. and I love seeing Little Fox talk with her. For anyone that remembers, years ago after her stroke, we ended up moving her into an elder care home. The whole family took over the back living room area and I hired a professional photographer to document the occasion. It was a really sweet evening. And I am grateful that she is still with us.

This is good. Writing makes me feel better, calmer. Thanks for listening.

It Gets Messy

This past Tuesday ranks as one of the worst days of my life. Probably right after the Monday that we got the Azoospermia news. I can't even recreate it all in my head anymore, with enough detail to write a recap of everything that took place leading up to that day, but it all happened. And we are here now.

Mr Fox is at his third meeting. This is his third day sober.

And at the same time that I feel scared shitless, I am strangely confident that everything will work out just fine.

It was so much simpler a few months back, when I cornered him in the shower and told him that I felt like he was choosing alcohol over me and that I wanted him to stop drinking. He said okay, and ended the conversation. I thought it was done, and over, and that we could move beyond it.

But the days passed and I *knew* that something wasn't right. Was it pills? Was he taking my anxiety meds? Should I hide them, count them? Something wasn't right. I even mentioned it to a friend, it was a relief to say it out loud, but felt like a betrayal of my beloved. He promised to stop drinking and I had no reason to ask him why something felt off - but it was, and I just thought that I must be crazy.

I wasn't crazy. He was lying. I still have a hard time wrapping my head around it. He thought, in his diseased mind, that as long as I didn't actually see him drinking that it was okay, and had started drinking again. I wasn't crazy.

When I discovered his stash in the garage, he was right there, and my first reaction was relief. Thank God it wasn't pills. I hugged him and told him I loved him, and that I was relieved it wasn't pills. But then over the next hours, I realized that it was betrayal. He had been lying to me, and didn't even realize how serious that was. I slept on the couch. I just needed some space to figure out what I was thinking. We talked the next night, but he really didn't get it. and I slept on the couch again. Nothing, in 14 years, has ever happened that led us not choosing to sleep next to each other. But I felt so alone emotionally, and needed to be alone physically.

We made love on Monday night, and I sobbed. We didn't talk about it, just loved each other.

But on Tuesday, it all fell apart on Tuesday. I said something that I still can't wrap my head around. I ended up telling him that I was taking our son and going to stay at my moms house until he had a plan he could share with me. I want to say that he made me give him an ultimatum, but somehow that doesn't feel fair to him. But once those words were spoke, everything changed. He finally 'got it'. He knew I was serious. He felt the weight of his choices. And yet, I wish I could take it back. I wish I could take those words back.


He negotiated two days to 'get his head ready to go to a meeting', and I agreed. So on Thursday night, he told me that he'd had his last drink, and on Friday at noon he went to a meeting.

The thing is, Mr Fox is an amazing husband and father. I love him with every cell in my heart. I knew that I was marrying an alcoholic and that someday we'd cross this bridge. I choose to make this man the father of my child, knowing that the day would come when I would have to hold him accountable for managing this disease. And I wouldn't change a thing.

The thing is, that if his 'plan' had been to continue drinking, despite my requests otherwise, I wasn't going anywhere. I was instead going to figure out how to get the support I needed to find peace with my decision to stay. The ultimatum was simply that I needed to know what his plan was, not that he had to stop drinking.

It's messy, and I'm guess that it might be messy for a while. So I'm back, if you want to ride this rollercoaster with me.

Privacy Please

Dearest Mom, Sissy, Bestie, and any of who know me in real life - I need to ask you a favor. I need this space back as an anonymous place to write. I am lovingly asking you to delete the link to this blog, and not to read any future posts. I love you and will talk to you when I need you. Right now I just need this as a safe place to process my messy thoughts. xoxo - Foxy

Missing You!

Oh how I miss this space, this time to write, and YOU!

There is much to share, but the thing that is on my mind at the moment is this:

HBear is Pregnant.

Her mom has been talking to my mom. She doesn't know who the father is. It is really sad.

If there is one thing I regret from when HBear lived with us it is that I didn't champion the birth control implant enough. I wanted her to make her own choices, and own those decisions, so I let the process move at a speed that was too slow, and it didn't happen before she went home.

She was doing so well too. Got her act together to prove everyone wrong and graduate from high school. Got herself a job at a local grocer, one that includes benefits and pays a low but livable wage. Repaired the relationship with her mom and was even paying rent to live at home. Bought herself a car. She was on a really good path. 

So now I am looking for a some advice about how to reach out to her. And how to bring up the topic of adoption with her. I want to show the appropriate level of excitement about the announcement, but also am very aware that her circumstances are less than ideal. I want to be sure that she knows what her options are, and still express confidence in her ability to succeed in whatever choice she makes. Any insight, thoughts, suggestions would be SO appreciated.

A love story

I am wanting to introduce baby cakes to the special story of how he came to be a part of our family. I've looked at some of the 'donor conception' books but they just don't feel right to me. So instead I  wrote a little story just for my boy... I am going to add lots of pictures and get it printed into one of those Costco Photo Books. (We already have a few of them, so it will fit in with our collection.)

I'd love your feedback... (asked with a tender heart)

All You Need is Love

Baby Cakes 's Story

Once upon a time there was a little boy and a little girl.

The little boy was named ML. He was born in Maine where he lived with his mommy and a daddy and a big sister who all loved him very very much. When he was still a baby his family moved to Boston, and then when he was even bigger he moved with his mommy and sister to San Diego.

The little girl was named Foxy. She had a mommy and a daddy and two little sisters who loved her very much. She was born in San Francisco, but her daddy was in the Army and so her family moved to many different places, until they finally settled in California to live near her grandma and grandpa.

ML was a very smart independent little boy. He loved to explore and build things. School was easy for him, and he had lots of different friends. He liked music and ...( getting ML to complete this sentence is like pulling teeth...)

Foxy was also a very smart and independent little girl. She loved to play in the forest near her house and make up stories with her friends. She tried very hard to do her best at school and always looked forward to playing sports after-school.

After they graduated from High School, ML and FOxy both went to college. ML studied Architecture and Foxy studied Business. They both made lots of friends and had a lot of fun with their new friends when they were not in class.

One special day, when they were almost finished with college, ML and FOxy met each other. FOxy thought that ML was very handsome and ML though that FOxy was very pretty. ML called Foxy and took her out on a date. The more time that they spent together the more that ML and Foxy liked each other.

ML and Foxy went on many grand adventures together. FOxy took ML to (home) to meet her mom and dad and sisters and friends. ML took Foxy to (home) to meet his dad, and to (home) to meet his sister, and to (home) to meet his mom and aunts and uncles. They went to parades and concerts with ML friends S, and T, and K, and C. They went skiing with FOxy's friends A, and M, and G, and D. They went camping, and to concerts, and a long train ride. They had so much fun together.

On another very special day, ML and Foxy invited all of their family and friends to join them as they publicly announced their love and commitment to each other at their wedding. It was one of the happiest days of their lives.

After they were married ML and FOxy continued to go on many fun adventures - skiing in the mountains, backpacking, camping on the beach with their puppy Callisto, traveling to Maui, and so much more. They had lots of parties at their house and spent lots of time with their friends and family.

ML and FOxy's life was so full of love and they wanted to share their love with a baby.

But after a long time they still did not make a baby so they decided to ask a doctor for help. There were many different doctors who helped them, and they took lots of tests and medicine. The doctors told ML and Foxy that they would need to use a special procedure called IVF and some special donor cells to help them get pregnant and have a baby. ML and Foxy were sad that they needed help, but happy that the doctors could help them.

ML and Foxy hugged and kissed each other and were so happy when they found out that FOxy was finally pregnant. Everyone watched FOxy stomach grow bigger and bigger as the baby grew inside.

Baby Cakes was born on December 27, 2011 in xxx. He was immediately welcomed into the arms of his mommy (Foxy) and daddy (ML) who loved him so very very much. They were so excited.

So many people had been waiting for Baby cakes's grand arrival and there was an explosion of love for this very special little boy. Soon after his birth he was visited by so many friends and family. They showered him with love and kisses and wishes for a life full of joy and laughter and adventure.

Once upon a time there was a little boy.

He was named Baby Cakes.

He had a mommy and daddy who loved him so very very much

All you need is love.

All you need is love.

All you need is love, love.

Love is all you need.