Dearest Bestie

Dearest Bestie,

Congratulations. From the depths of my soul I am so excited about your big announcement. It is the most wonderful news that a family could want, and I feel overwhelmed with love for you and the new life that is growing inside of you. 

Little One is the most precious little girl. I love being her auntie and watching her grow and giggling with her, too. I love watching you be her mother and seeing how beautifully you attend to her needs. She is going to be a wonderful big sister.

This was always your plan. You always knew that you’d have two, and that they’d be about two years apart. I knew that this announcement was imminent. I even had a dream last week that you were pregnant. 

I knew that it wasn’t fair when I told you (and my sister) that you couldn’t get pregnant before me. I knew it wasn’t fair, but I said it because it was how I felt. Nothing about it was fair, that I put such an unfair condition on you, or that I felt desperate enough to start my own family that I would ever say something so unfair to you. I am so sorry for the anguish that statement caused you. It just wasn’t fair. 

My heart broke as you delivered such wonderful news to me with such sadness. Your compassion for me has been incredible, and yet I hate that my struggle negatively overshadows what should wonderful moments in our lives.

To be honest, I didn’t know how I would feel when I got this news. These past few years I’ve been betrayed by my reactions and caught unprepared to deal with unexpected responses to normal wonderful things, like christmas cards for example. My reactions have not been fair or predictable, and have taken me captive on too many occasions. 

When I said that you couldn’t get pregnant again until after I got pregnant, I really meant it. I want so much to be pregnant and start our family, and it is hard to see that other people can have this thing that I want so much with seemingly little effort. And yet, at the same time, there is no way that I could say something like that and really mean it. I want you to have everything you want. And just as I know that you would do anything to help make my dreams come true, I would do the same for you. 

I want you to know that I am full of nothing but joy for you right now. I love you and cherish our friendship. I really am overjoyed that you will be having another beautiful little one (or two, hehe.) 

With a little luck I won’t be far behind you, ideally if this cycle works it’ll only be 5 weeks or so. And even if this cycle is a bust and we continue on our journey, I have faith for the first time since we started trying that eventually, one way or another, our children will someday play together. Until then I am so blessed to call you my Bestie. 

I love you, and Congratulations!

6dpo

I am 6 days post ovulation. Feeling very positive, not quite as positive as I was in my last 2ww, but still happy as a clam thinking that I could possibly be pregnant right now :)

As far as symptoms go, I attribute them all to progesterone and estrogen that I am taking. I've had a couple hot flashes that wake me up in the middle of the night. Just today I started getting that pre-nausea feeling. I was so tired this afternoon that I snuck away from the family and took a little nap-which was SO nice. My boobies are not sore, but they are feeling a little bit achy, in a hard to describe kind of way.  I must be fighting a cold too because I had a tickle in my throat yesterday and a full blown sore throat all day today. Bleghhh.

We are visiting ML's sister and her family for the holidays. She has a two year old little girl and a four year old little boy. They have SO MUCH energy! Christmas morning was so much fun, and I especially loved watching the kids play with the presents that I made for them. I'll have to post some pictures because I am so proud of these gifts I made.

I haven't had much to say, or much time to write this past week. I have been reading blogs though, and found a few new ones that I've been reading thru.
-The Life of Ashley - Ashley is on the new season of 16 and pregnant. She made the choice to adopt her daughter to her aunt and uncle. It was an episode that captivated me, just as Tyler and Caitlyn's did last season. She documented her journey on her blog, and I am finding it to be an insightful and interesting read.
-Amy just announced her new blog on the Resolve forum. I hope that she find the same kind of support that I have from this blog community. If you have a minute stop by and welcome her. She and I are both in our 2ww of our second IUI's.

 Merry Christmas! I hope that you all had a nice day with family and friends.

Rain and sleet make me happy!

Things are going pretty well here in my Foxy world. :)


ML and I spent the nicest weekend in the mountains with Bestie and her family. Her family is awesome. Crazy but awesome. Her parents were like second parents to me growing up, and her sister might as well be my sister.


It was raining on Saturday, and I grew out of rain skiing a few years back, so ML and I stayed at the lodge and watched Little One. (Well, I watched Little One while ML worked via the wi-fi connection.) She is walking now and much more vocal about her desires - to look at this, go here, go there, touch that, watch this, etc. We giggled a lot and finally she got tired and fell asleep in my arms. My heart just melts around that adorable little girl.


We were expecting a big storm on Sunday with lots of powder. Alas, we woke up to find that it was still too warm out and instead of powder we had a windy mess of rain and sleet. It was some nasty weather. So instead we stayed at the cabin, warm and dry. It was a wonderfully perfect day with wonderfully perfect people.


Bestie's sister is a graphic designer. Mostly she designs high-end wedding albums, but she is also one of the most creative gals I know. She gave me a mini lesson in digital design and digital scrapbooking. How cool is digital scrapbooking!!! I am inspired to give it a try, learn the basics of photoshop, and make  something awesome. I downloaded a few of the free digital kits from Shabby Princess to practice with last night. So much fun!


I'd love any ideas or suggestions about good sources of online tutorials and (free?) digital kits. Maybe I will design a Christmas/New Years Card after all :)


*****
UPDATE on Cycle #3...
I had my day 10 ultrasound yesterday. Two big follies were ready to go. I got my trigger shot and an appointment to return today and tomorrow for the iui's. The Doc noticed that my lining was not as thick as it should be so he prescribed me some estrogen (Vagifem) to thicken it up a little. I am still listening to my Circle Bloom audios and trusting that my body is doing everything that it needs to be doing.


Love to all!

Surprise Sunshine

To my surprise I started my cycle a whole week early last Saturday. I’ve never had such a short (21 day) cycle! I’d been having PMS-like cramps and sore boobies, but figured that my symptoms must be related to the cysts. I should have trusted that I know my body better than that.

Our November iui cycle was canceled due to cysts that were leftover from my first iui cycle. The holiday calendar meant that we would also have to cancel my December cycle. I was so sad. But I came to accept that this wait was a part of our story, and just as I embraced our chance to move forward with a cycle, I needed to embrace this wait as well. We made our holiday travel plans without regard to my cycle. I made plans with friends and family, without regards to my cycle day. I joyfully planned for a no-holds-bar NYE festivity. It was nice.

But then, low and behold, my cycle started a week early. I checked the calendar and it seemed like the timing just might work for a cycle this month. At first I questioned myself, wondering if I was pushing to hard, wanting this too much. A very rational conversation with Bestie reassured me that it was not unreasonable to think that I could pull off a cycle this month. ML was on board, and my RE was able to get me in for a day 3 baseline ultrasound on Monday. I knew that there was still a chance that I’d be sidelined by the cysts, but figured it was worth a shot.

ML and I floated out of the RE appt yesterday after getting the green light to cycle this month. The cysts are gone! We agreed to decrease the clomid from 100mg to 50mg since I responded so well last time. I got my prescriptions filled and we are ready to rock and roll!

We’ll be pushing up against Christmas for the actual IUI’s, but I was ready to trigger on day 10 last time, and I already have one follicle that should be ready to go before too long. This also means no drinking with the in-laws over Christmas, and sober NYE festivities, which I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t looking forward to. 

BUT IT IS ALL WORTH IT BECAUSE

I GET TO CYCLE THIS MONTH!!!

The Holiday Card Dilemma

Sitting in a glass vase in my home office is a pile of unopened Christmas cards, from 2009. Realizing that we have once gain entered the season of holiday cards, I am thinking about the best way to deal with these little deliveries again. 

It was one of the first normal life occurrences that caught me off guard after getting our Azoos diagnosis. Shortly after Thanksgiving last year I came home from work, collected the mail, and was delighted to see that we had received our first holiday card. 

I love receiving holiday cards. I love sending them out too. Every year I post all of the pictures from friends on family on the refrigerator. I love seeing people that I love throughout the year, right there on our fridge smiling at us. It makes the world feel smaller, and generally cheerful. 

But when I opened this first holiday card of 2009 to discover a beautiful picture of a beautiful little family, mom, dad, and precious little girl, standing together smiling, I lost it.  My immediate urge was to tear the picture into tiny little pieces and stomp on it. 

I started at the picture as tears poured down my face. I was consumed by emotions that had no words, that had no expression beyond my sobs. How could such a joyful and expected piece of mail cause me so much unexpected pain and sorrow? How could this family be so perfect when my dreams for my family had been shattered just months earlier? 

I grabbed my phone and retreated into my closet where my sobs would be muffled and I would be safe from any other unexpected assaults to my traumatized soul. I called my sister - god bless my sister. This was not the first call she had received from a sobbing Foxy, and she handled it like a pro.  As I explained to her what had just happened, I felt like a crazy person for getting so upset over something so menial. But she validated my feelings and suggested something just as crazy. 

She suggested that I shouldn’t open any more holiday cards. She suggested that I ask ML to collect these deliveries from the mail and hide them away in a box. Then, if and when I was ready, I could open the cards later. It was a crazy idea, but it was brilliant. It made so much sense. 

So that’s what we did. All future holiday cards were diverted into a glass vase that sat in my office. The rest of the holiday season was manageable, and eventually I was able to laugh at the glass vase strategy we’d implemented. The only pictures we had on the fridge this year were of ML and I, and our puppies.

I also decided, during that evening that I hid and cried in my closet, that we would not be sending any holiday cards in 2009. The thought of choosing a picture of us smiling and looking happy when our world had just shattered around us and it was all I could do to keep breathing much less smile, just seemed wrong. There was nothing to celebrate. I decided to boycott Holiday cards in all forms. 

I always intended to go back and open those cards from 2009, but the time never came when I felt ready. 

The thing is, I really do love these holiday cards. I love the pictures, of friends, and their families, of little ones, and growing ones, of travel, and joyful moments, I love them. I even love knowing that there is a glass vase with cards and pictures waiting for me when I am ready for them. I would never dream of asking friends to not send us these cards, I want these cards. 

What I really want is to be able to send these cards with pictures of my family, of my little ones, of my growing ones, and joyful moments from my family. 

And here we are again, expecting to receive more little deliveries. ML and I talked last night and will implement the same strategy this year as last. All holiday cards will be diverted into the glass vase. 

Call it crazy. Call it sane.  I just know that it is one more choice that we make for self-preservation. 

I also know that next Christmas, I fully expect to be sending out our own picture cards complete with our Someday family, with the biggest smiles ever! (I also expect to receive yours!)

gratitude

I have a lot to say tonight. About lots of different things. Bear with me, I'm just in the mood to write :)

We watched Pump Up the Volume tonight. What a flashback! The music really took me back. Right back  to middle school. I loved that movie back in the day. Actually, I loved Christian Slater. Oh my gawd was he Hawt! It is crazy to think about how different things were in 1990 when that movies came out, only two decades ago. 


Pirate Radio Station then. Blog now. 


The first time I used the internet was my freshman year of college in 1996. Looking back I have no idea how I made it thru k-12 schooling without it. I really can't imagine how it would be possible to live without it now. Among other things, the internet has given me this blog, it has given me you. I suppose Mel could have figured out how to host her own pirate radio station for the ALI community, and I can only hope that we all would have found it. This journey would have been different without  you, thats for sure! I am SO grateful for the internet tonight! 

My favorite thing about vacation is hanging out with ML. I love spending the whole day with him, even if it is just hanging out at home. I just love being around him. I love being able to reach out and touch him, or give him a little kiss, or even just lock eyes with him. When I am with him, life seems just about as perfect as I could want. I don't know what I did to deserve such a wonderful man as my partner. I am am grateful for him, and grateful for this long weekend that I get to spend with him. 

Thanksgiving was really nice. We celebrated with family at my moms house. It was so great to spend the day with my sisters and their husbands. We all live nearby, but don't all get together as often as I would like. Everyone was in a good mood, the food was delicious, I supplied the mimosas, and we had a really enjoyable afternoon. 


Thanksgiving was always my favorite holiday, but things changed with the passing of my grandpa, and then my parents divorce, and now my sisters responsibilities to their husbands families. I always loved having all of the people that I loved in the same place for a whole day. I loved having nothing to do expect be together. Growing up my grandparents hosted the meal at their big family home. They had a huge backyard that my cousins and I played in while my grandma and aunts buzzed around the kitchen. Grandpa and my uncles watched football. It was the perfect day. Every year, Thanksgiving was basically the same. We grew, but the day was predictable and perfect, every year. Things have changed, but yesterday was a perfect day.

My cysts are hanging out still. I can feel them with a little twinge every now and then. I want them to go away already, so that maybe we could somehow magically make the schedule work for December. But in reality that is unlikely to happen. and would mess up our Christmas plans that we made after the month was canceled. I am doing my best to look at the silver linings, and think I'm doing an alright job. The mimosas are helping, but will have to stop when I have to go back to work on Monday. I am content (content isn't the right word)... I am at peace, for the moment, with the fact that much of this is out of my control right now. 

I smashed my finger in the washing machine this afternoon. It hurt so much. No blood, but so much pain. ML jumped to my rescue with a painkiller and some ice. He jokingly expressed concern about my ability to handle childbirth someday. I'm glad that we can laugh about jokes like that. Progress. 

I am making a quilt for my boss for Christmas. I am so impressed with my quilt-making abilities! This will be my second quilt. I kept the first one for ML and I. It it a lap quilt that is so pretty and colorful and sits on the back of our couch, cheering up the whole living room. I spent all evening tying it off and securing the trim. She is going to LOVE it. I am so thankful to have such a wonderful woman to work with, and this feels like the perfect way to show my appreciation. 


I love ICLW. I've been following the breadcrumbs of comment left for me back to the most interesting women. Thank you all for visiting me, and for leaving such nice words behind for me. I wish I could thank each one of you with a mimosa! 





PS: Foggy Whitesox is back. I'll write more about that situation soon. :)

Missing my First FurBaby

Last year ML and I had to say goodbye to our first furbaby, 'Lis'. It was one of the hardest and saddest things I have ever done. It happened only months after we got our Azoos diagnosis while we were still consumed with shock and grief. 2009 was the hardest year of my life. 2010 has been better, and I have the greatest hopes for 2011. 


I am remembering my beloved dog this week. 

(This is the email that I sent out to friends and family last year letting them know that we'd said goodbye.)
I am sorry to send this email out to you guys, but I just can't bear the thought of talking about it. The sadness and pain of this week is just too raw and overwhelming. After five days in critical care, his lungs were continuing to leak air into his chest, requiring a painful chest tube connected to a machine to suction the excess air. The vets working on him felt that it might have been an ongoing lung condition where bubbles form in his lungs then break creating small holes that take time to heal. Over time the bubbles get bigger and take longer to heal, eventually compromising his ability to breath. Because he was such a strong dog, he adjusted to the decreasing lung capacity until it finally become more than he could handle.

Lis was the best dog that ML could have ever brought home to our little house when we first moved to (hometown).  He spent over wonderful eight years with us and filled our home with love, laughter, and lots of activity. He had a very full life and went on many adventures, including some very exciting backpacking trips, many days and nights at the beach, and a few solo adventures where he broke out to explore the world on his own terms.

He was the most gentle dog. He was patient and careful with kids, and never met another dog that he didn't get along with. He was an awesome frisbee dog and I'm sure could have been our 'sugar-dog' if we'd taken him to frisbee competition. He was a great older brother to 'M', and taught her all about how to run the show at our house.

It was watching ML with Lis, the way that he so patiently cared for him and always anticipated his needs, that made me know what a loving father ML would someday be. Lis brought out the best qualities in us and taught us how to be a strong family.

His time with us way way too short and we will always remember the love that he shared with us.

$200 of Booze

We are canceled. I am so sad.

I rushed out of the office to pick up ML for our appointment at 3pm today. I was looking forward to starting this cycle and feeling so hopeful. The wand exam was a uncomfortable, and I watched on the screen as the Doc measured what I thought were my ovaries on each side. Then he stopped and said that the little bubbles were cysts. We would have to wait for the cysts to go away before we could proceed.

I got dressed and we met in his office to talk a little more. He wanted to prescribe bcp to help shrink the cysts down. The few times that I'd ever tried to take BCP in the past, they made me sick. I always stopped because the nausea was too much. But if this is what we needed to do, I was ready to sign up.

But then we started looking at the calendar for December, and it turns out that my December cycle would likely conflict with the two days of vacation that the Doc is planning to take over the NYE holiday. So we will have to cancel December as well. Gosh dang it.

He agreed that two months of natural cycle would be enough to shrink my cysts, so we are skipping the bcp, and just going to start again with my January cycle.

Needless to say I am so sad.

ML is as sad as I am. (I'm not sure if it is because he is sad for me, or if it is because he really does want this as much as I do. It doesn't really matter, it feels so much better knowing that he is sad with me.) He talked about just wanted to crawl into a hole.

I am contemplating become agoraphobic. Giving up on everything else and just hunkering down at home on my couch. Either that, or getting on a plane to Maui (or maybe Vegas) to hide there.

We stopped by the grocery to pick up 3 ingredients for the pies we will make tomorrow. The store was INSANE busy.

Somehow we ended up with $200 worth of wine, champagne, and liquor in our cart. I guess if we can't be trying to get pregnant I can drink all I want over the holidays. and drink I will. I started when we got home tonight. with mimosas. I love mimosas.

If I can't love this cycle, I am going to love my mimosas while I wallow in my sadness.
It just seems so unfair.

Quivers of Excitement

I woke up this morning with quivers of excitement. Actually ML came in to give me a kiss and let me know he was headed out. The puppy beat him onto the bed and cuddled up next to me which was what woke me up. 


As I lay there waking up I got so exciting thinking that we have our cd 4 monitoring appointment this afternoon for IUI #2. Writing about it is giving me butterflys right now. 


I feel so lucky that we get to try again. 
I feel so grateful that we have been able to afford this treatment.
I feel such intense love for ML.
I feel so much appreciation for my mom and sister and bestie who have given me such incredible support.
I feel gratitude for my amazing boss, and job flexibility.


And really, I am so excited about this months cycle. 

floating

I had the nicest birthday party last Sunday night, with my mom and sister and a few good friends. They are all so wonderful to me and make me feel so special and loved. It was really nice to have them all fill my home with love and laughter, even though I’d been feeling like I wasn’t up for a party earlier in the day. I am so blessed to have such loving supportive people in my life. 

ML took me out for a special dinner on my actual birthday on Wednesday. We don’t often splurge on special outings like that and I was really looking forward to it. He also started a tradition when we got married of giving my jewelry for my birthday. I never thought that I was “that” kind of girl, one who would wear and love jewelry, but apparently I am. His precious gifts make me feel like I am the most precious woman alive. I wear some combination of the rings, necklace, earrings, and bracelet collection every single day and feel like I am wrapped in love. Most of the pieces are custom made just for me and I i just feel so rich with his love thinking about each one. 

*****

I made plans with my mom to go to the spa this Sunday, also in celebration of my birthday. We have the most incredible world class spa nearby our home, and although the treatments are pricey, they offer a day pass for $40 that allows us use of the amazing facilities all day long. Soaking in hot tubs, curling in a blanket next to a fire, relaxing in the sauna, bathing in the beautiful triple head shower. It is decadence. I wish you all could join us!

*****

My mom and I played hookie from work last Friday (mid 2ww) and went to get massages at an amazing hot spring resort. It is nestled along the cliffs of the ocean and has these beautiful pools filled with hot natural spring water. After a long drive down the coast, we checked in and found our way to a warm tub that overlooked the ocean. We floated as we listened to the waves crashing and watched as the fog slowly receded from the shore. It was so peaceful and restorative. I told my mom about the Circle Bloom meditations and my hope for this cycle. She couldn’t be more supportive and loving. She has since ordered her own CB CD so that she can listen along with me each day.

I moved into a little claw foot tub where I could stretch out yet be completely supported. The natural spring water felt so good on my skin and I focused on letting my whole body relax so that all of my reproductive functions were free to do exactly what they needed to be doing. I envisioned a couple little embryos floating down my tubes and finding a nice warm place to nestle into my uterus. Everything felt just perfect. 

My massage therapist finally called for me and led me into a sunlit room overlooking the ocean cliffs. The walls opened up to allow the ocean air to blow through the space and the sound of the waves to become the only thing I was focused on. The massage was amazing. It was perfectly matched to the support that I needed at that exact moment. I felt fully supported and able to relax more with each stroke and gentle touch. At the end she rolled me onto my side, wrapped me in a blanket and left me to be. I felt so safe and warm and actually fell asleep right there on the table! 

Some time later I awoke from the most restorative nap I have ever had. I wandered out of the room and found my mom perched on the sun deck watching the waves. I’d been peacefully asleep for nearly 2 hours! 

I took another leisurely float in the warm tub, slowly showered and dressed, and together we navigated our way back up the path to our car. We stopped by the little bookstore and picked up a catalog of the workshops that are held at this special place.  Our visit was thanks to a very generous gift certificate that a friend had given my mom, but I decided that ML and I needed to make a plan to splurge on a weekend vacation back to this place. 

At home that night, I pursued the catalog of workshops and found one in April that sounded like fun. I decided that it would be our babymoon trip. I know, a little crazy, but I did it, I planned our babymoon! I will be pregnant by then, and if I am not, we'll need a special getaway more than ever.