The Holiday Card Dilemma

Sitting in a glass vase in my home office is a pile of unopened Christmas cards, from 2009. Realizing that we have once gain entered the season of holiday cards, I am thinking about the best way to deal with these little deliveries again. 

It was one of the first normal life occurrences that caught me off guard after getting our Azoos diagnosis. Shortly after Thanksgiving last year I came home from work, collected the mail, and was delighted to see that we had received our first holiday card. 

I love receiving holiday cards. I love sending them out too. Every year I post all of the pictures from friends on family on the refrigerator. I love seeing people that I love throughout the year, right there on our fridge smiling at us. It makes the world feel smaller, and generally cheerful. 

But when I opened this first holiday card of 2009 to discover a beautiful picture of a beautiful little family, mom, dad, and precious little girl, standing together smiling, I lost it.  My immediate urge was to tear the picture into tiny little pieces and stomp on it. 

I started at the picture as tears poured down my face. I was consumed by emotions that had no words, that had no expression beyond my sobs. How could such a joyful and expected piece of mail cause me so much unexpected pain and sorrow? How could this family be so perfect when my dreams for my family had been shattered just months earlier? 

I grabbed my phone and retreated into my closet where my sobs would be muffled and I would be safe from any other unexpected assaults to my traumatized soul. I called my sister - god bless my sister. This was not the first call she had received from a sobbing Foxy, and she handled it like a pro.  As I explained to her what had just happened, I felt like a crazy person for getting so upset over something so menial. But she validated my feelings and suggested something just as crazy. 

She suggested that I shouldn’t open any more holiday cards. She suggested that I ask ML to collect these deliveries from the mail and hide them away in a box. Then, if and when I was ready, I could open the cards later. It was a crazy idea, but it was brilliant. It made so much sense. 

So that’s what we did. All future holiday cards were diverted into a glass vase that sat in my office. The rest of the holiday season was manageable, and eventually I was able to laugh at the glass vase strategy we’d implemented. The only pictures we had on the fridge this year were of ML and I, and our puppies.

I also decided, during that evening that I hid and cried in my closet, that we would not be sending any holiday cards in 2009. The thought of choosing a picture of us smiling and looking happy when our world had just shattered around us and it was all I could do to keep breathing much less smile, just seemed wrong. There was nothing to celebrate. I decided to boycott Holiday cards in all forms. 

I always intended to go back and open those cards from 2009, but the time never came when I felt ready. 

The thing is, I really do love these holiday cards. I love the pictures, of friends, and their families, of little ones, and growing ones, of travel, and joyful moments, I love them. I even love knowing that there is a glass vase with cards and pictures waiting for me when I am ready for them. I would never dream of asking friends to not send us these cards, I want these cards. 

What I really want is to be able to send these cards with pictures of my family, of my little ones, of my growing ones, and joyful moments from my family. 

And here we are again, expecting to receive more little deliveries. ML and I talked last night and will implement the same strategy this year as last. All holiday cards will be diverted into the glass vase. 

Call it crazy. Call it sane.  I just know that it is one more choice that we make for self-preservation. 

I also know that next Christmas, I fully expect to be sending out our own picture cards complete with our Someday family, with the biggest smiles ever! (I also expect to receive yours!)

gratitude

I have a lot to say tonight. About lots of different things. Bear with me, I'm just in the mood to write :)

We watched Pump Up the Volume tonight. What a flashback! The music really took me back. Right back  to middle school. I loved that movie back in the day. Actually, I loved Christian Slater. Oh my gawd was he Hawt! It is crazy to think about how different things were in 1990 when that movies came out, only two decades ago. 


Pirate Radio Station then. Blog now. 


The first time I used the internet was my freshman year of college in 1996. Looking back I have no idea how I made it thru k-12 schooling without it. I really can't imagine how it would be possible to live without it now. Among other things, the internet has given me this blog, it has given me you. I suppose Mel could have figured out how to host her own pirate radio station for the ALI community, and I can only hope that we all would have found it. This journey would have been different without  you, thats for sure! I am SO grateful for the internet tonight! 

My favorite thing about vacation is hanging out with ML. I love spending the whole day with him, even if it is just hanging out at home. I just love being around him. I love being able to reach out and touch him, or give him a little kiss, or even just lock eyes with him. When I am with him, life seems just about as perfect as I could want. I don't know what I did to deserve such a wonderful man as my partner. I am am grateful for him, and grateful for this long weekend that I get to spend with him. 

Thanksgiving was really nice. We celebrated with family at my moms house. It was so great to spend the day with my sisters and their husbands. We all live nearby, but don't all get together as often as I would like. Everyone was in a good mood, the food was delicious, I supplied the mimosas, and we had a really enjoyable afternoon. 


Thanksgiving was always my favorite holiday, but things changed with the passing of my grandpa, and then my parents divorce, and now my sisters responsibilities to their husbands families. I always loved having all of the people that I loved in the same place for a whole day. I loved having nothing to do expect be together. Growing up my grandparents hosted the meal at their big family home. They had a huge backyard that my cousins and I played in while my grandma and aunts buzzed around the kitchen. Grandpa and my uncles watched football. It was the perfect day. Every year, Thanksgiving was basically the same. We grew, but the day was predictable and perfect, every year. Things have changed, but yesterday was a perfect day.

My cysts are hanging out still. I can feel them with a little twinge every now and then. I want them to go away already, so that maybe we could somehow magically make the schedule work for December. But in reality that is unlikely to happen. and would mess up our Christmas plans that we made after the month was canceled. I am doing my best to look at the silver linings, and think I'm doing an alright job. The mimosas are helping, but will have to stop when I have to go back to work on Monday. I am content (content isn't the right word)... I am at peace, for the moment, with the fact that much of this is out of my control right now. 

I smashed my finger in the washing machine this afternoon. It hurt so much. No blood, but so much pain. ML jumped to my rescue with a painkiller and some ice. He jokingly expressed concern about my ability to handle childbirth someday. I'm glad that we can laugh about jokes like that. Progress. 

I am making a quilt for my boss for Christmas. I am so impressed with my quilt-making abilities! This will be my second quilt. I kept the first one for ML and I. It it a lap quilt that is so pretty and colorful and sits on the back of our couch, cheering up the whole living room. I spent all evening tying it off and securing the trim. She is going to LOVE it. I am so thankful to have such a wonderful woman to work with, and this feels like the perfect way to show my appreciation. 


I love ICLW. I've been following the breadcrumbs of comment left for me back to the most interesting women. Thank you all for visiting me, and for leaving such nice words behind for me. I wish I could thank each one of you with a mimosa! 





PS: Foggy Whitesox is back. I'll write more about that situation soon. :)

Missing my First FurBaby

Last year ML and I had to say goodbye to our first furbaby, 'Lis'. It was one of the hardest and saddest things I have ever done. It happened only months after we got our Azoos diagnosis while we were still consumed with shock and grief. 2009 was the hardest year of my life. 2010 has been better, and I have the greatest hopes for 2011. 


I am remembering my beloved dog this week. 

(This is the email that I sent out to friends and family last year letting them know that we'd said goodbye.)
I am sorry to send this email out to you guys, but I just can't bear the thought of talking about it. The sadness and pain of this week is just too raw and overwhelming. After five days in critical care, his lungs were continuing to leak air into his chest, requiring a painful chest tube connected to a machine to suction the excess air. The vets working on him felt that it might have been an ongoing lung condition where bubbles form in his lungs then break creating small holes that take time to heal. Over time the bubbles get bigger and take longer to heal, eventually compromising his ability to breath. Because he was such a strong dog, he adjusted to the decreasing lung capacity until it finally become more than he could handle.

Lis was the best dog that ML could have ever brought home to our little house when we first moved to (hometown).  He spent over wonderful eight years with us and filled our home with love, laughter, and lots of activity. He had a very full life and went on many adventures, including some very exciting backpacking trips, many days and nights at the beach, and a few solo adventures where he broke out to explore the world on his own terms.

He was the most gentle dog. He was patient and careful with kids, and never met another dog that he didn't get along with. He was an awesome frisbee dog and I'm sure could have been our 'sugar-dog' if we'd taken him to frisbee competition. He was a great older brother to 'M', and taught her all about how to run the show at our house.

It was watching ML with Lis, the way that he so patiently cared for him and always anticipated his needs, that made me know what a loving father ML would someday be. Lis brought out the best qualities in us and taught us how to be a strong family.

His time with us way way too short and we will always remember the love that he shared with us.

$200 of Booze

We are canceled. I am so sad.

I rushed out of the office to pick up ML for our appointment at 3pm today. I was looking forward to starting this cycle and feeling so hopeful. The wand exam was a uncomfortable, and I watched on the screen as the Doc measured what I thought were my ovaries on each side. Then he stopped and said that the little bubbles were cysts. We would have to wait for the cysts to go away before we could proceed.

I got dressed and we met in his office to talk a little more. He wanted to prescribe bcp to help shrink the cysts down. The few times that I'd ever tried to take BCP in the past, they made me sick. I always stopped because the nausea was too much. But if this is what we needed to do, I was ready to sign up.

But then we started looking at the calendar for December, and it turns out that my December cycle would likely conflict with the two days of vacation that the Doc is planning to take over the NYE holiday. So we will have to cancel December as well. Gosh dang it.

He agreed that two months of natural cycle would be enough to shrink my cysts, so we are skipping the bcp, and just going to start again with my January cycle.

Needless to say I am so sad.

ML is as sad as I am. (I'm not sure if it is because he is sad for me, or if it is because he really does want this as much as I do. It doesn't really matter, it feels so much better knowing that he is sad with me.) He talked about just wanted to crawl into a hole.

I am contemplating become agoraphobic. Giving up on everything else and just hunkering down at home on my couch. Either that, or getting on a plane to Maui (or maybe Vegas) to hide there.

We stopped by the grocery to pick up 3 ingredients for the pies we will make tomorrow. The store was INSANE busy.

Somehow we ended up with $200 worth of wine, champagne, and liquor in our cart. I guess if we can't be trying to get pregnant I can drink all I want over the holidays. and drink I will. I started when we got home tonight. with mimosas. I love mimosas.

If I can't love this cycle, I am going to love my mimosas while I wallow in my sadness.
It just seems so unfair.

Quivers of Excitement

I woke up this morning with quivers of excitement. Actually ML came in to give me a kiss and let me know he was headed out. The puppy beat him onto the bed and cuddled up next to me which was what woke me up. 


As I lay there waking up I got so exciting thinking that we have our cd 4 monitoring appointment this afternoon for IUI #2. Writing about it is giving me butterflys right now. 


I feel so lucky that we get to try again. 
I feel so grateful that we have been able to afford this treatment.
I feel such intense love for ML.
I feel so much appreciation for my mom and sister and bestie who have given me such incredible support.
I feel gratitude for my amazing boss, and job flexibility.


And really, I am so excited about this months cycle. 

floating

I had the nicest birthday party last Sunday night, with my mom and sister and a few good friends. They are all so wonderful to me and make me feel so special and loved. It was really nice to have them all fill my home with love and laughter, even though I’d been feeling like I wasn’t up for a party earlier in the day. I am so blessed to have such loving supportive people in my life. 

ML took me out for a special dinner on my actual birthday on Wednesday. We don’t often splurge on special outings like that and I was really looking forward to it. He also started a tradition when we got married of giving my jewelry for my birthday. I never thought that I was “that” kind of girl, one who would wear and love jewelry, but apparently I am. His precious gifts make me feel like I am the most precious woman alive. I wear some combination of the rings, necklace, earrings, and bracelet collection every single day and feel like I am wrapped in love. Most of the pieces are custom made just for me and I i just feel so rich with his love thinking about each one. 

*****

I made plans with my mom to go to the spa this Sunday, also in celebration of my birthday. We have the most incredible world class spa nearby our home, and although the treatments are pricey, they offer a day pass for $40 that allows us use of the amazing facilities all day long. Soaking in hot tubs, curling in a blanket next to a fire, relaxing in the sauna, bathing in the beautiful triple head shower. It is decadence. I wish you all could join us!

*****

My mom and I played hookie from work last Friday (mid 2ww) and went to get massages at an amazing hot spring resort. It is nestled along the cliffs of the ocean and has these beautiful pools filled with hot natural spring water. After a long drive down the coast, we checked in and found our way to a warm tub that overlooked the ocean. We floated as we listened to the waves crashing and watched as the fog slowly receded from the shore. It was so peaceful and restorative. I told my mom about the Circle Bloom meditations and my hope for this cycle. She couldn’t be more supportive and loving. She has since ordered her own CB CD so that she can listen along with me each day.

I moved into a little claw foot tub where I could stretch out yet be completely supported. The natural spring water felt so good on my skin and I focused on letting my whole body relax so that all of my reproductive functions were free to do exactly what they needed to be doing. I envisioned a couple little embryos floating down my tubes and finding a nice warm place to nestle into my uterus. Everything felt just perfect. 

My massage therapist finally called for me and led me into a sunlit room overlooking the ocean cliffs. The walls opened up to allow the ocean air to blow through the space and the sound of the waves to become the only thing I was focused on. The massage was amazing. It was perfectly matched to the support that I needed at that exact moment. I felt fully supported and able to relax more with each stroke and gentle touch. At the end she rolled me onto my side, wrapped me in a blanket and left me to be. I felt so safe and warm and actually fell asleep right there on the table! 

Some time later I awoke from the most restorative nap I have ever had. I wandered out of the room and found my mom perched on the sun deck watching the waves. I’d been peacefully asleep for nearly 2 hours! 

I took another leisurely float in the warm tub, slowly showered and dressed, and together we navigated our way back up the path to our car. We stopped by the little bookstore and picked up a catalog of the workshops that are held at this special place.  Our visit was thanks to a very generous gift certificate that a friend had given my mom, but I decided that ML and I needed to make a plan to splurge on a weekend vacation back to this place. 

At home that night, I pursued the catalog of workshops and found one in April that sounded like fun. I decided that it would be our babymoon trip. I know, a little crazy, but I did it, I planned our babymoon! I will be pregnant by then, and if I am not, we'll need a special getaway more than ever. 

Meh.

Beta is back down to zero.
I'm bummed, but okay.

The Dr said that the earlier beta of 1.5 was NOT from the trigger and that is is a really good sign that there was something happening in there. So that is good.

So now we just wait for my flow and do this again next month.

Not much more to say tonight.

Maybe baby?

One point five. Thats my beta. My 13 dpo beta.

A beta of 2 or more is considered positive for pregnancy. 

So I am not pregnant...

... but I'm also not not pregnant.

I fall right smack dab in the middle of a grey zone. 

The nurse who called with the results mentioned that the trigger shot could still be showing up, or it could just be too early.

I actually took a home pregnancy test last night. I didn't want to be surprised when we got the call today. It was negative, but it didn't get me down. I kind-of felt like it was too early for the pee test to register, but I still believed that there was a good chance I was pregnant. The internet told me that was a 20.3% chance of getting a false positive on a home pregnancy test at 12 dpo. I felt like i must have fallen in that 20% category. Hope prevails! 

My beta was originally scheduled for next Tuesday, at 16 dpo. But I asked to have it moved up to today, at 13 dpo. I wanted to have the weekend to process the news and thought for sure that a blood test at 13 dpo would be accurate. What do I know! Now I have the weekend to ponder a maybe pregnancy. 

Do you think that somehow my love of the 2ww has backfired on me? Maybe my body really is listening to me! (he-he)

So, I am headed back on Tuesday, at 16 dpo, for another beta test. 

All things considered, I still feel good. I feel like I just have to be pregnant. I wish I didn't have to wait again, but, you know, it is okay. All I can do right now is take extra special care of myself, and that shouldn't be difficult to do for the next few days. 

*****

In the meantime, I am celebrating my 100th post! I'd been picturing that this post would be an exciting announcement of our results today, but somehow it seems more fitting that it is about a random and unexpected test result.  Our journey to become parents has been been so full of curves and bumps, it somehow seems appropriate that my 100th post follow suite. 

I read back through my old posts on a fairly regular basis. It reminds me how far I've come. It reminds me that there are ups and downs, and that I am stronger than I ever gave myself credit for. 

I read back over the comments that others have left and the crumbs that I've left leading back to others posts and am blown away by the unbelievable support that I've found here. The women who I have met here are some of the most incredible, strong, and compassionate souls and I feel so blessed to have received your kind words and been the recipient of your loving thoughts. I can only hope that I have given back some fraction of the support that I have received.

I never would have imagined when I started this blog seven months ago that I'd hit 100 posts. But here I am! and I love it here in my little corner of the internet. 

What I really want to say in this 100th post is THANK YOU. This blog is for me, but knowing that you are all there to support me is what keeps me coming back. YOU are incredible.

*****

Just in case you were feeling like I didn't have enough news, It is my Birthday Week!!! I turn 33 next Wednesday and I have a little something up my sleeve, so I hope that you will stop back to celebrate with me then. Don't you just love the special Birthday header that Giggly Girl Alison whipped up for me? I do :)

good to feel good

Don't get me wrong, I really want to know for sure.

It just feels so good to feel good. and to feel hopeful again.

A Wonderful Wait

Foggy Whitesox has not returned since we sent her away yesterday morning, with her collar and little note. We keep checking at the door, but no kitty.

I think that she got grounded. I think that she showed up at her real home with her cute little purple collar and note and her parents freaked out. I think that they grounded her for being so promiscuous.

It is okay. She might still come back to visit us. We'll just have to wait and see.

I was thinking yesterday that waiting is not necessarily a bad thing. This two week wait has been awesome. Really, I really mean that! I am happier than I've been in ages. I love thinking that my someday family might be turning into a reality.

This is seriously the best kind of wait. There is a decent chance that this is it. That this wait is not a wait at all, but the reality that I've been dreaming of for so long.

At your wedding, were you 'waiting' for the ceremony to end so that the reception could start? You might look forward to the reception, but you love every second that you stand before your friends and family exchanging vows with the person you love.

Do you go to a movie and 'wait' for it to end? You might look forward to dinner after the movie, but you still enjoy the time that you spend at the theatre.

I feel like this two week wait is actually a precious time during which magic could be happening. I am not waiting for it to end, I want it to go on forever.