Medjugore

I love my mother in law. She is a loving woman who really cares about her family. She is heartbroken for ML and I and wants so much for us to have a family. The thing is that she is also deeply religious, and we are not, which sometimes makes it challenging for us to communicate. 


She tells me that she knows that god has a child for us and that she prays everyday that he will bring that child to us. I tell her thank you for thinking about us, her support means a lot to us. 


I know that her intentions are good, and that it is so hard for her to see us in pain, and that she would do anything ANYTHING to help. 


Yesterday she sent ML an email about the Children of Medjugore. Among other things it said,  “Rare are the couples without children who do not conceive a child after they climb Mount Krizevac TOGETHER and ask for a child TOGETHER on their knees at the foot of the Cross!” She wants to send us on a pilgrimage to Bosnia to the little town of Medjugore so that we can climb Mount Krizevac. It makes it even sadder that she is in no position to finance such a trip, yet begged ML to let her send us. 


ML was so sweet to her on the phone. Rather than getting defensive and upset he just thanked her for caring about us so much and acknowledged that this was hard for her too. 


I told him that all things considered, she really is an awesome mother. She loves us with her whole heart is trying her best to be supportive. I feel really lucky to have her as my mother-in-law. 


* * * * *


I am 4 dpo. Still feeling pretty good. 


Super aware of every twinge in my belly. I am feeling a little crampy. I got crazy irritated at a couple meetings yesterday morning. Then got so tired yesterday afternoon that I had to come home to lay down. I didn't sleep very well last night, woke up really early, and am guessing that I'll be exhausted halfway thru the day again. I also think that I am losing more hair than normal. It may be all in my head, but I am wondering if these might be some side effects from the supplemental progesterone suppositories. 


Regardless of the cause, I am just listening closely to my body, trying not to judge any of these "symptoms", and giving myself permission to take care of myself. 


* * * * *
Ohhhhh - awesome news - The School Bond passed! 
I am so proud of the role I played on the campaign and really believe that my participation was a critical part of its passage. It feels really good to know that I am doing good things for my community. 

Good Advice

The best advice my mom ever gave me was when I was in college, my sophomore year.

She said, "Don't ever do anything once for a man that you don't intend to do for him the rest of your life."

It was really good advice, really. It has worked out incredibly well for me, although I think I also lucked out with ML who is awesome about sharing chores and is actually much cleaner than I am. Someday I will give the same advice to my daughter (or my son's little girlfriends.)

*****

ML and I were on our way to a wedding a few years ago. We were listening to the radio and a report came on about the secret of long happy marriages.

The researches who conducted the study theorized that the secret was shared housework, or secure finances. To their surprise, they discovered that the common thread among the happiest longest married couples was this: A husband who immediately and enthusiastically agreed with his wife.

It is such simple advice. And for the past few years ML has lived it. He doesn't agree on everything, but when he does it is immediate and enthusiastic, and I love it. I never would have guessed that his responses could mean so much to me, but they do, and they create a wonderfully positive feedback loop of communication.

*****
I am two dpo from my very first chance at actually being pregnant. Feeling good. Feeling positive. Maybe a little worried about multiples, but so ready. I've been doing the Circle Bloom meditations, and really think that they are helping me stay calm and positive. ML keeps looking at me with that little sparkle in his eye. I feel like everything is happening just as it needs to.

Megan is Brilliant

I just read the most incredible post by Megan at Bottoms off and on a Break. She is an amazing blogger who has some of the most amazing creative projects, videos, and infertility artwork. I hope that I am not violating blog etiquette by reposting this here - but it is just that incredible.  Please go to her site and let her know if you are also blown away by the power of her words.

How does it feel to be infertile?
by Megan at Bottoms off and on a Break

I've never been asked by a fertile person how it feels to be infertile.  No infertile person has ever had to ask how it feels.  However, I have often found myself wondering if I could explain to a fertile person how infertility feels.

It's so abstract.  I won't die from this disease.  I've not lost any limbs.  I don't have any visible scars.  In my own case I've not lost anything tangible really.  I've lost clusters of cells, even my one miscarriage was a blighted ovum; a non baby.

The only way I can describe how being infertile feels is to equate it to what I imagine it would be like to love a child...

Infertility feels like loving a child...but the exact opposite.

I imagine that when a child is born the parents feel overwhelming feelings of joy, pride, happiness, and love.  I'm sure it is indescribable.  I'm sure it is emotionally debilitating, makes you reevaluate your life, makes you change your life for the better.

Infertility has made me feel that way too...but the exact opposite.

I imagine that when you are a parent the love you have for your child permeates your life in all sorts of little ways.  I'm sure that sometimes that love catches you off guard in little moments.  You remember your love when you see a picture, hear a comment, or smell a scent.  I imagine that love for a child is like a pleasant whisper throughout the day.

Infertility has made me feel that way too...but the exact opposite.

I'm sure that everyday as a parent is not good.  Just as everyday without children is not bad.

However, if a fertile person ever thinks to ask me how it feels to be infertile; if a fertile person ever wants to understand; I would tell them to think of all the intense love they have for their child, all the little ways that being a parent makes them happy.  I imagine the intensity of feeling is the same.

But where they have love I have bitterness.
But where they have hope I have despair.
But where they have peace I have heartbreak.

And just as a parent will always be a parent.  I will always be infertile.

FIVE little follies

Oh my goodness
Oh my goodness

I took my clomid (100mg) on cycle days 3-7. I didn't notice any side effects, except for some wonderful excitiement :)

We went in for my first monitering appoitnment this morning. Everything looked good. Maybe a little TOO good!

We have FIVE folicles. Yep, FIVE beautiful round folicles with FIVE perfect little eggs. Three of them are ready to go, and the other two are right on the cusp of being ready.

The Doctor explained that he takes the risk of multiples very seriously and that he advises patients to cancel the cycle anytime there are more than three potential folicles. ML and I exchanged looks. I knew what he was thinking before he even opened his mouth. I love that man so much.

ML asks, "So are you advising us to cancel, or are you telling us that we have to cancel? We've been waiting a long time for this." I am so glad that he talks at these appointments, since I can barely open my mouth. I love him so much.

The Doctor replies that it is our decision, and again reviews the risks of multiples, and the process of selective reduction. We exchange looks again. ML asks if we can have a minute to talk privately. Oh my god do I love him.

The Doctor leaves the room, and I grab ML's hand. We decide to proceed. We agree to consider selective reduction to prevent high order multiples. We are ready for whatever comes next. I decide that only three of the eggs will release, so it won't be an issue. I adore ML more than words can describe.

The Doctor comes back into the room. We tell him our decision. He says alrighty then. We are ready to rawk and roll!

He gives me the trigger shot and an appointment to return on Saturday and Sunday morning for back to back IUI. A blood test is schedueld for November 16th!

I am overwhelmed with excitement and joy, and love - so much love, as we check out and pay our bill. I look at ML and he is more handsome than ever before. He is so strong and loving and wonderful. We walk outside and embrace. I could stand right there in his arms forever.

We take a few beep breaths together.
We can do this.
We are doing this.

Naive excitement

I feel kind of giddy.
Like there are little joyful butterflys floating around inside of me.
Like I have a special, potentially wonderful, secret that no one knows about.
I love this feeling.

When we first started trying I felt this excitement.
This lightness.
This sense of purpose and future.
Of possibility.

I don't feel like I am waiting any more.
Everyday that passes is a day that my body is doing important work.
This cycle is special.
This cycle is real.
This is our first real chance.
I am loving every minute of it.

inevitable questions

I can remember being in a grocery store with my mom. I must have been six or seven. My two younger sisters were in the cart. An older woman approached us to ohh and ahh over my littlest sister who was still quite young. I can so clearly remember the woman commenting on how different the three of us looked and asking my mother if we had the same father. The question confused me, but my mom explained to the lady that we all shared the same daddy. I remember so clearly that the lady was so nice and even now I don't think that she intended any harm by her question.


My mom was so matter of fact in her response, and so confident in her and my dads love for each of us, so proud of our differences. That was the first time I remember that question being asked, but most certainly not the last.


It is a totally inappropriate comment to make, regardless of the family circumstances. (In our case my sisters and I do share genetics from both our mother and father, but look very different from each other.) But people are curious and will ask questions, inappropriate or not. It is how we respond to and educate people about situations that they don't understand that really matters. It may not be a duty we signed up for, but it is necessary. I can only hope that others will offer me the same education when I say or do things that might be hurtful. 


As ML and I embark on building our family with the assistance of DS, I am thinking alot about how we will deal with the future questions and situations that are waiting for us. 


Mel reviewed a post by Kristen at I Spy a Family in her Round-Up last Friday. Kristen describes a situation that occurred in the grocery store, where a store clerk inappropriately questioned how her family was formed. She acknowledged that this was an inevitable situation for her family that has been built through adoption, but wishes that people would show respect for her children by asking questions when her children are not in ear shot. 


Kristen's post reminded me of that day we were in the grocery store, and all of the times since that the formation of my family has been questioned. It is a gentle reminder to me that these questions are normal, that we can expect them. The only part of this equation that we can control is our response. For some of us the emotions of our situation make it difficult to respond in a matter of fact way, and that is totally understandable. What I will always remember is that my mom didn't hesitate in her response, she was so confident in our family, there was no doubt about her love for my dad and their love for us. She made it so clear that we belonged together and that our differences were valued. 


I hope that I - that we all - can find that confidence. I hope that we can use it to educate others, and most importantly to show our children just how loved they are. 


Thanks Kristen for this great post, and thanks Mel for making sure that I didn't miss it!

New Chapter

Today is the beginning of a new chapter of our journey. 

Until now we have not had one single opportunity to actually get pregnant. We've spent 20% of our income and 18 months of our life seeing doctors and getting tests and trying experimental hormone treatment, but not once did we have a real chance to get pregnant. So much time spent waiting, receiving bad news at every turn, the carrot of pregnancy moved just a little farther out of our reach every time.

After my dreams were shattered with the initial Azoospermia diagnosis, it took me a long time to see beyond the day to day struggle and envision that there is in fact a Someday family waiting for us at the end of this journey. I was so caught up with worry and anticipation of the next test, the next dr appt, the next decision facing us. It was so hard to put the details in perspective and see that they were all little steps that got us closer to our dreams. Refocusing on that dream made it so much easier to navigate the path. But it also took away any sense that my Someday was anytime soon. Until today.

Today is the first day 

of the first cycle 

where we will have a chance to get pregnant. 

We met with the new RE this morning, the local one. He reviewed everything and gave us the green light to do a donor IUI cycle this month, starting with this cycle!

(This is what I wanted, but on some level I was really expecting that there would be some reason why we had to wait again.)

We got lunch. We came home. We chose a donor. We sent our new account paperwork to the cryobank.     My cycle started this afternoon, just as expected. I called and made a Friday appointment for my initial ultrasound and meds.

It is happening. It really is. I almost can't believe it.

Balancing Act

I had lunch with my mom last week. She is the awesomest mom a girl could ask for.

She brought me some info about all of the recommended pre-natals that I need to start taking. She encouraged me to get up to date on my flu and whooping couch vaccinations. She offered to research chewable pre-natals for me, since the swallow pre-natals are gross. (I was hoping that my dinosaur chewables would suffice, but mama knows best.) *** if you can recommend any good chewable pre-natals, please let me know!!!

My brave mama also asked me about how the IUI process works thinking that maybe we could take back some control of the process, de-medicalize it, and do it at home. Wouldn't that be awesome? If all other factors were equal at this point, I would really love to conceive in love with ML in the privacy and comfort of our own home.

I am really glad that I could go thru all that with my mom, so that she can understand what options we have and the factors that we are using to make decisions. 

The thing is that all other factors are not equal at this point. The way I see it we are balancing three big factors - physical, emotional, and financial - and will be choosing from essentially three different treatment options - non-medicated IUI, aggressive medicated IUI, or IVF.

Physically
From what we know, I can get pregnant. I have regular cycles and ovulate regularly. I've never taken hormonal birth control and would rather not mess with things unless necessary.
treatment choice = non-medicated iui

Emotionally
I am a mess. I want to be pregnant now. I am done waiting. The sooner I am pregnant the sooner I can move beyond the despair of this journey. The thought of prolonging treatment cycles any longer than absolutely necessary sounds completely unacceptable to me.
treatment choice = IVF

Financially
We've already spent about 20% of our income on fertility testing & treatment this past year. We have some savings, but it is limited and it makes me sick to think about spending it all. But I know we will if we have to. We'd like to be cost effective in our decisions. At quick blush were looking at a cost of $1,200 per cycle for un-medicted iui (with a 10% chance at success), $3,000 for medicated iui (with a 20% chance of success), or $15,000 for IVF (with a 50% chance of success).
treatment choice = I don't know how to do that kind of statistics, but I think it would be medicated iui.

So that leaves us... I'm not sure where exactly, but I think in the middle with an aggressive medicated iui as our starting place.

We meet the new RE on Wednesday, so we'll get better info then. (and my cycle starts on Thursday, so cross your fingers that we can jump right in! ohhhh am I hoping.)

A good omen

A lady I used to babysit for just messaged me on face.book to ask if I knew anyone who needs a nice double stroller for twins.  


It was a pretty random message to get from someone I haven't seen or talked to in over a decade. 


I am going to take it as a good omen that my Someday Twins are on the horizon :)


I was brave in my reply. Offered to help put the word out, but also said "It is kind of funny that you ask though, since I am hoping that we will be lucky enough to find ourselves with "Someday Twins" someday soon. (I'll take this as a good sign that our time will come sooner rather than later...)"

a new hello

If you're brave to say goodbye, life will reward you with a new hello.

We are saying goodbye to the dream of having a family who shares our genetics. 

It is a loss unlike any we have ever experienced.

It is a choice I thought we could never make.

It will be different.

Different than we expected.

We will have a family.

Our love is unconditional.

We will navigate this new path with love and peace and patience.

Life will reward us with a new hello.