My homework this last weekend was to identify the top five cognitive distortions I identify with and write about them. The Distortions that I most identify with are:
Fallacy of Change - Expecting that other people will change to suit you if you just pressure them enough. My hopes for happiness depend on other people agreeing with me.
Fallacy of Fairness - I feel resentful because I think I know what is fair but other people don’t agree with me.
Polarized Thinking / All or Nothing - I tend to see things as being black or white. There is very little room for middle ground. This is usually related to an opinion that I have about being correct or wanting to control other peoples actions.
Personalization / Mind Reading / Emotional Reasoning - This one is bizarre because I only feel it as a parent. Generally speaking I am confident and could honestly care less what others think of me or my decisions. But as a parent I feel so much judgement from others and I take it so personally. I feel like everyone is watching and judging every interaction I have with my son, judging every decision that I make about my parenting. I find myself avoiding certain families and activities where families appear to have it more ‘together’.
Catastrophizing - I often think of a worst case scenario and overrate the likelihood that this will occur.
The thing is that I don’t see these as bad things. I see them as strategies that protect and serve me well. They help me plan my life. They help me control my anxiety. They help me achieve my goals and get things done and feel emotions that are appropriate for the situation, if necessary.
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I asked Mr Fox for feedback about what he saw as my top five distorted thinking fallacies. We walked out to the lake beach and watched as my little fox stripped off his clothing to play in the sand and lake. While watching him frolic with such carefree innocence Mr Fox and had a talk about mental illness. We talked about the stigma that comes with mental illness, comparing it to a broken leg. He would have to care for me and take on many of the same responsibilities if I had a major physical injury, but somehow this feels more unfair or more burdensome because it isn’t something that can be seen.
After much discussion, much of which revolved around whether these are current distortions or ones that I tend to fall within my general personality when I am not having a mental health crisis, Mr Fox identified what he thought were my top three. He initially identified every single one as an example of distorted thinking that he sees active in my current thinking process. After we talked about it, he clarified that he saw these as being specifically relevant to people and relationships. He concluded on a top three as being Fallacy of Change, and the Fallacy of being Right, (which Ihad on my top 5 as well) but he added:
The Control Fallacy - saying that I see myself as helpless and a victim of fate and for being responsible for the pain and happiness of everyone around me.
The thing I hated about our conversation is that I know he has been drinking, which activates all of my “Polarized Thinking”. I want to believe that it would be less triggering if I knew that he knew that I knew. This is a tangent that I’m not prepared to delve into just yet. I asked him to be honest with me about his drinking, to tell me when he was drinking, and he has failed to do that.
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In our discussion, I realized that I needed to add “Should” to my list of fallacies that I most identify with:
Should - Having a list of expectations of about how other people should act and being angered or frustrated when they break those rules. Having expectations for myself and feeling guilty when I fail to achieve my own expectations.
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There is something about being here, sitting under against the backdrop of a perfectly green tree-line under a uniformly blue sky that allows me to let my guard down, to hear Mr Fox and not get defensive. I’m listening the the geese and watching the ripples of the lake caused by my dog who is playing with a rope attached to the dock. The sun is so bright and feels warm through my clothing. With the exception of a plane every so often, all that exists is the silence. The perfect silence that exists in this place that I feel so perfectly comfortable and calm.
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Fallacy of Change / Fairness
Just last week I asked for a meeting with my therapist and Mr Fox to talk about changing my treatment plan. I felt that, I still feel that, I know what I need for my healing better than anyone, and that spending all day at the iop treatment center was not conducive to that recovery. I walked into the meeting with a plan, a proposal. I’d done my homework and verified that what I was presenting was possible. I wanted to reduce my days at the iop treatment center and then later in May spend 10 days here is the woods working on my writing, art, reading, and generally relaxing. I’d checked the dates that the condo was available, cross referenced my school board meeting dates, and confirmed that mom would be able to stay during the week when Mr Fox went home to work. I proposed that upon my return from the mountains I could see my old therapist three days per week and follow a set schedule of a more relaxed recovery at home.
The meeting didn’t go as I’d planned. I made my proposal and worked hard to justify why it was best for me. I argued my points and tried hard to listen to the concerns that were expressed by my therapist. She laid out her bottom line, saying that it was her recommendation that I continue at 5 day per week but was willing to compromise at 3. She said that 10 days away was out of the question, both for insurance and for my health. I tried hard to make the case that what I needed was to spend my days sleeping in, reading in a hammock, writing from the deck overlooking the lake, and focusing on the simplicity that I had lost. Mr Fox expressed his fears that I would ‘bounce’ back into the.... depression/anxiety/nervous breakdown whatever we want to call it if I wasn’t at the iop treatment center 5 day’s week. He was fearful of me being left alone. I felt angry that I wasn’t being heard, that no one in the room trusted me to know what was best for me.
I argued that I’d been very clear about my needs every step of the way - even saying to Mr Fox and my mom when things got bad that I needed help, that I was waving the red flag and asking them for help when things got bad. In the same manner, I was voicing my intention to change my treatment plan.
I really tried hard to hear the concerns that were being expressed. I tried hard to act in ways that were not defensive. But I felt angry and helpless.
After my therapist gave her bottom line, I deferred to Mr Fox. Everyone said that ultimately the choice was mine about how to proceed. I tried to explain that it is isn’t really. The choices are not mine. Given the reality that I am not able to drive, that I’m not managing our finances, that Mr Fox has already taken significant time off of work, that I have a son who needs his mother present, the reality is that the very real consequences of my choices lead to the conclusion that the choice is not mine.
Three days a week at the iop treatment center with a clear plan for home therapy on the other two days was the conclusion of the meeting. We would go to the mountains for the weekend, but not for an extended stay.
I felt resentful and angry. Mr Fox suggested that it would be a waste of time to stay at the iop treatment center if I had decided that it wasn’t helpful, that I’d be ‘checked out’ of treatment and I felt like I had to look to my therapist and the other therapist to confirm that I was, in fact, an active participant in the group therapy, contributing in ways that are relevant and meaningful.
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Control Fallacy
One of the therapists stated in group recently that my ‘disease’ is helplessness. I feel that this statement is not accurate and honestly take offense to it. Mr Fox identified the “Control Fallacy” which also mentions seeing yourself as helpless. I generally consider myself as a very independent and capable individual, so to be labeled as helpless is confusing. In the past month since my breakdown I have most definitely required and accepted the help of others, and am generally good at asking for help from others when i need it but i’m having a hard time seeing it as a defining characteristic of myself.
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Should Statements
I definitely identify with the “Should” statements. I have very high expectations for myself and for others. I think that it is part of why i have never been a good employee. I find it difficult to do my job well when my boss or colleagues are not meeting the expectations that (I perceive) exist for their position. I hold myself to very high standards in the work that I do and feel confident that I am highly capable and excel in my responsibilities. I joke about being a bad employee, but the reality is that it is rare to find a job where everyone is as committed as I expect them to be.
The past 6 weeks have been one crazy rollercoaster. It was March 12 that I stopped going to work. This past week has been the first that I didn’t cry everyday and that I feel capable of doing normal things again. I stayed home alone for the first time in months, I reduced my use of benzo’s enough to for the first time (very briefly), I helped with childcare planning, and have taken on more responsibility with little fox. I felt so good that I even offered to help with a small work project. It was a small project but quickly I found myself overwhelmed. I completed the work, but said no when asked to do two more important projects. It was clear to me that I am so far from being able to return to the stress of work. I do feel guilty about leaving so much work to my colleagues during such a stressful time.
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Catastrophic Thinking
There is this looming question of when I will return to work. My colleges miss me and want me be back. I love my work and I want to return to work, but after feeling overwhelmed with such a small project I can’t hep but Catastrophes that I will never be able to return to work, that I’ll end up on long term disability, lose our health insurance, and my ability to provide for our family will be reduced a small disability payment and I won’t be able to contribute in meaningful ways to my community. My current employment is dependent on the June re-election of my boss. If she wins, my job will be waiting for me with any accommodations that I need. I’d been thinking about asking to return from .5fte to full time. If she loses, I will not have a job after December.
The other looming question is if or when we will try to do another Frozen Embryo Transfer. We have one final genetically normal embryo waiting for us. If we do decide to try again, it means twice weekly blood draws and acupuncture, ultrasound appointments, and a shit ton of hormones that are constantly changing based on the blood and ultrasound results. It also means a week in Denver and ultimately a 65% chance of a live birth 9 months later.
I’ve never worried about finding work. I may not be a good employee but I can find and excel at contract work and/or start up my own gig. BUT everything feels up in the air if I am still recovering from this breakdown, if i am pregnant, and if my job disappears, in June. This could certainly qualify as catastrophic thinking, but in my mind its just planning ahead. I don’t know what formal disability diagnosis i might have but Generalized Anxiety Disorder seems to fit and i’m sure I also have a sleep phase disorder.
I think I am beginning to see that I am using all of these cognitive distortions to keep myself busy to distract myself from my anxiety, rather than addressing the underlying issue that is the anxiety. It's like saying "ohhh your leg is broken, let's put some tape around it, and keep hiking".
I'm not yet sure how it plays out from here, since I will most definitely remain involved in my community, but I'm going to have to figure out how to do it in a way that is sustainable. One of my most favorite quotes has always been and Rumi / Coleman Barks quote "Let the Beauty we love be what we do, There are a Hundred ways to kneel and kiss the ground." I always took that to mean that I could give to my community in ways that made me feel good. I guess that I need to think about myself as being 'beauty that I love' in the same way that I love the community work I do. 
Remembering that I have to come first. In order to be present for anyone else I have to take care of myself first. Keep a list of the things that I can do to restore and care for myself.
We made it to the mountains. I wanted it but didn't believe it would actually happen. But here I am, sitting on the deck, listening to the frogs sing songs of a winter gone by too quickly. Although I suppose it is almost May and might qualify as Spring. On Tuesday I'll celebrate a May day festival at my sons preschool.
I’m grieving the reality that I did not get to go skiing this year. It would have been the first chance I had to get back on my ski’s since getting pregnant with Little Fox. The weekend that we had planned to come up and spend a real day skiing fell apart that Friday when I ended up in the Emergency Dept for a Psych Evaluation. That most definitely was not the plan. Had it not been for Mr Fox who insisted on an outpatient Psych appt, which magically became available, I would have spent that weekend as an inpatient in order to be seen by a psychiatrist. 
I’m pretty sure it's why I have been fired or politely asked to leave almost every job I’ve ever had. i do not make for a good employee. i do however kick ass when I am working under my own rules, under my own determination. 
I personally think that I am pretty easy going and down with whatever the plan is. But when I have an opinion about something, you can bet that I am going to stand my ground. 
I’ve not been graceful in my transition to motherhood, nor have I been graceful in my hormone filled attempts to grow my family. I care deeply about my family and my community, and feel like I have so much to offer. As a result I am involved in A LOT of organizations and take on what is apparently too much responsibility. 
The other night, after I’d had a really successful public board meeting and convinced my treatment team to reduce my days from 5 to 3, I felt so accomplished. I felt sure that this was the right plan and that I was on the right path. I even got home that afternoon and drove, for the first time in 2 months, just across town to the the enrollment papers for my son to start school. I was feeling so independent. But at the same time i wasn’t. I was overwhelmed and not so sure that I was as far along as i had envisioned myself to be. 
I them attempted to do some work -a small project for work. There are things that i can do that will take 5 minutes but to leave them to someone else it could take them 5 hours. I completed the two tasks that i’d been asked to help with but found myself feeling SO overwhelmed. i couldn’t focus on the work the way I needed to, and it took so much energy to complete such simple tasks. I was asked to do more but I had to say no. As much as I want to be involved, I want to be helpful, I want to be efficient, I wasn’t in a position to do any of it. I had to say no. 
