Not so Fast.

I'm on a lot of medications at the moment, and am having a hard time keeping track of the days this past week and what exactly is was that 'broke' me. Here goes at my best attempt at recreating a timeline that led me to the Emergency Department for a Psych Evaluation.

Our Frozen Embryo Transfer went perfectly. My lining was better than it had ever been. The embryo defrosted perfectly as a day 5 AA CCS genetically perfect blasting out of its shell. I was so sure that it worked. I just knew that I was pregnant. I felt all of the right twinges and my boobs grew and hurt like a bitch. I knew I was pregnant.

I went for my beta 9 days later on Thursday, but when I got the call from the clinic it turned out that the lab had only ran a qualitative result (Yes or No). They had the lab working to re-run the test and would call us on Friday with the results. A few calls back and forth with the Clinic and the Lab to figure out what has happened and I finally had to beg the nurse to tell me that it was a Positive result. BFP!!! I was pregnant, just like I knew I was.

When Mr Fox got home that evening, I had Little Fox tell him "I'm going to be a big brother." It was the excitement and happiness that I've dreamt of. On Friday we got the actual beta of 45, which confirmed pregnancy, so I met up with my sisters and got a video of telling them that I was pregnant. It was so much happiness and joy. The next day Little Fox gave my mom a little onesie as I told her we were pregnant. Her reaction was beautiful. Later that evening we stopped by Bestie's house to make the big announcement there too. I made a sweet little meme image that we could share announcing Baby Fox due in November.

Mr Fox had plans in the City to engage in debauchery with a few buddies on Saturday night. I got my second blood draw done, knowing that it would take a day to get the results.

Sunday morning as Little Fox and I were getting ready to go to a birthday party I got a call from the Clinic that my beta had dropped from 45 to 8 and it wasn't a viable pregnancy. Danm it. I asked for another beta just to be sure. I left a message for Mr Fox. I sent a brief text message to important people saying that we'd celebrated too early and that it wasn't a viable pregnancy. And we went off to the 4 year old birthday party.

Mr Fox was home shortly and we were sad, but accepted that this is an imperfect science with odds against us. We still had one final embryo to transfer, so hope was not lost.

I went back to work that Monday and kept busy all week.

I woke up the following Saturday with awful cramps. I loaded up on Advil and fixed one of those back heater wraps to my tummy and went to an important work event. The Advil wasn't helping. My mother in law was in town for the weekend so I sucked it up and did afternoon activities as a family. Early that evening I retreated to bed and called my Dr to ask about the cramps.

Who knows what she really said, but what I heard was "you're fine, take some more advil, get over it." In retrospect this may have been the beginning of the unraveling. I had physical pain that was now directly connected to my emotional pain and I couldn't ignore it anymore.

We went to breakfast with the in-laws the next morning, and I want to bed for the remainder of the day.

The tears started that evening.

things to worry about

My Worry List...

Mr Fox is going to start drinking again. Sober for the moment, but it's like a thunderstorm waiting to flood our home. He declared that he is done with AA, and wants to try a 'drink yourself sober' program. I am trying so very hard to be open minded and rational, but hell, this is complicated. and definitely filling my worry cup so that there isn't much room left for the rest of it.

Zika Virus. I've only read headlines, and avoided clicking to read the stories, but I know enough to know that I am scared that Zika Mosquitoes will get me (and a baby that I am not even pregnant with).

Transitional Kindergarten. I just found out that Little Fox might be eligible to start real school in September. I thought we had another year. It would save us SO MUCH money to enroll him in school a year earlier, but I just can't picture him in a traditional classroom, and wish that there was a program for play-based learning that left all the academic stuff for later.

Stillbirth. A local mama, someone I know professionally enough to say hit to at the grocery store, but not much beyond that, delivered her baby still. I cried for her very real loss. I cried for my fears. I cried all week. I cried at the event that was held. I cried in front of Little Fox. I cried and cried.

Work. Depending on things I can't talk about I may or may not have my current job come January. There are options, lots of them, and I usually don't worry about finding work. BUT, the thought of finding/starting a new job while on maternity leave (for the baby that I am not even pregnant with yet) sounds really overwhelming. The thought of being a stay at home mom is even more overwhelming.

The Car. We made the final payment on our car and it promptly started making a weird noise. The mechanic fixed the weird noise (in exchange to many months worth of a car payment) and warned us that the transmission was on its way out. We have plans to buy a bigger car (for the baby that I am not even pregnant with yet), but didn't want to make that investment unless and until we knew that we would need a bigger car.

The things I can't talk about here that impact my job. I love my job and I love the people I work with. They are amazing, incredible, effective, and compassionate professionals. They are being attacked by gross people who lack integrity. I've always been good at not taking those attacks personally, but not so much these days. I am taking it all personally, and getting angry, and sad. and disillusioned with the reality of my current profession.

A F'U' account. Some girlfriends at lunch recently brought up a fu account. I don't have one. I always thought that for sure I would have my own money in an account that only I had access to. But I don't. because I got complacent and didn't think that I needed one. But maybe I do. But I won't do it in secret. and it would be seriously complicated to bring up the topic with Mr Fox because of the issues in bullet one.  Just something to worry about.

okay and of course there is the Frozen Embryo Transfer that we have planned for later this month. I am consumed with anxiety about this transfer. about whether to transfer one or both of our embryos. about it working. about it not working. about responding to the meds leading up to transfer. about leaving Little Fox for the week that we will travel to the clinic for the transfer.

well. that about sums it up. It actually doesn't look as daunting when it is all written down here. It feels so much bigger when it is all in my head in the dark.

You are safe.

Maddy's death has shaken so many of us to our very core. It is all that anyone is talking about. We are confused, and upset, and angry, and scared. It is unimaginable. 

BUT at the same time I made a very deliberate decision yesterday to let my baby go play down the street with some neighborhood kids (including girls that we often pay as mother's helpers). It was the first time that we'd let him out 'alone'. 

I don't want to live or raise my child in a world that is scary. I want him to grow up knowing that people are generally good, that he is generally safe, that he belongs here in his community. THIS might be my only true desire for my child.

I grew up riding the city bus home from elementary school by myself, getting a hot dog at the transfer station, and then walking home from the final bus stop. Bad things happened to kids then too, but maybe it was different when we didn't watch those bad things play out hour by hour on social media.

I just read a facebook post about a fellow mom who was on the train with a few young girls. She helped them figure out their train stop and then got off the train to help them find the right street to proceed home on. It was this important reminder for me that there is good all around us. That the 'good' will always outweighs the 'bad'. I've been feeling like I needed to get all of these thoughts out and her post really helped frame my thoughts.

It wasn't 5 minutes before we could see my son with his friends through our back window. My husband and I just stood there watching him play, feeling all of the feelings that come with watching your child grow up before your very eyes. It feels like one of those moments that will be forever etched in my mind - standing huddled at the window watching intently as his head bobbed around and his laugh echoed off the neighboring houses. We decided it was time for me to walk over and bring him home. As I walked down the street he and his friends came skipping towards our house.

Kiss you babies tonight. And please remember that WE are the good in this world. Keep a loving and helpful eye on all of the other precious babies you encounter on your path.

BFN, Now What?

My beautiful little fox turned 3 years old in December and we decided it was time to start planning our FET cycles to use our two remaining frozen embryos. I started medications in December for a January transfer that was canceled at the last minute because my lining was not ready. So we signed up for the March transfer cycle. We doubled my meds, and everything was looking good. One of the blastocysts did not survive the thaw and we transferred the other one on March 20. I did a great job of being hopeful, but we got the call today that it is a negative result. 

I am disappointed, for sure. But its hitting me slowly, and the grief of it all is growing.

So now what? grieve, and spoil my son. and then we will have to make a decision about what to do next. 

To be honest, I had a hard time really getting exciting about it all in the first place, but I'm sure that a big part of that was the need to protect my heart from the total devastation that I felt with every BFN when we were trying to get pregnant originally. I keep rationalizing that our family is complete as it is, that we've already beat the odds and don't deserve to try again, that an only child will be fine because we have very close family friends he will grow up with, that the first year of having a baby was so hard and I'm not sure I could do it again (without ending up institutionalized). But then I know that I always wanted a big family, I can't imagine my life without my sisters. I want my son to have siblings to experience life with, I know how much my husband wants a second child, we are the only ones in our social circle who would have a single child, etc....

The thought of a full IVF cycle again is overwhelming, and the cost is not something that would be easy to swing. If we knew if was a sure thing I have no doubt we'd sign up tomorrow, but it is so hard to continue down a path where the odds are against you. 

Did we give it our best shot by using the two embryos? Can i live with that and feel like this is how our family is meant to be? Or is this a rollercoaster that we are not yet ready to get off of just yet? 

Thoughts and advice would be so appreciated. xoxo

a day for our family

Putting a call out for super sticky baby vibes! We have our Frozen Embryo Transfer tomorrow morning, and as much as I know the odds are against us, I can feel the hope creeping in deeper and deeper. 

Four years ago tomorrow was our embryo transfer that made me a mom, and eleven years ago tomorrow I married the love of my life. 

The day bodes well, but omg I am nervous.

How could I possibly deserve more than this?

Hang on tight

Here we go again!

It was inevitable. or so it felt.

and as terrified as I was, we made the call. I made the call.

And we sat in that office, listening to the Dr tell us about the two perfect grade A embryos that are sitting on ice. Our embryos. Two perfect little embryos that were waiting for us.

and our perfect little boy at home who keeps saying that he is going to be a big brother. because that is what all of his friends are saying. even though we keep correcting him and reminding him that he is a big cousin, not a big brother.

But here we are. Sitting in this office again. and I am terrified.

Terrified of the roller coaster. terrified of a 'maybe' pregnancy. terrified of an infant. Terrified.

and he says "we've had a 60% rate of twins this last year". and I might get up and run.

But I do want it. as scared as I am. I do.

and so here we are.

wish me luck, send me love, I don't even know what to ask for.
I just know that I'm back here again, and I'm hanging on tight.

Make the Breastpump NOT Suck Hackathon

This coming weekend a group of AWESOME MIT folks are convening a "Make the Breastpump NOT Suck" Hackathon. How FREAKING cool is that!

I was one of the lucky ones whose milk came in and was able to nurse without any issues. It was easy. Little fox nursed like a champ for 18 months (until I cut him off, but didn't really cut him off so he still nurses on occasion, but that's a story for a different blog post), and I pumped milk at work every 2 hours for 9 months. Breastfeeding was a commitment, but it worked for our family.

But when I saw this hackathon was looking for ideas and feedback I JUMPED at the chance to share a few suggestions!

Again I was a lucky one who had a private office to pump in whenever I needed to, and a uber supportive boss who essentially made it part of my job to inquire about pumping rooms at every off-site location I visited (which happened at-least daily.) I was able to schedule meetings around my pump schedule and store my milk in the office fridge (which apparently is a problem for too many moms.)

This is one of those issues that I KNOW would be different if WOMEN were in positions of power to make things different. Most men will ever understand what its like to accidentally spill 3 ounces of milk that you spent 30 minutes extracting from your body with a noisy machine while visualizing being at home cuddling with a baby that you had to leave with a stranger. The size and noise of the pump was hideous and I drug that thing with me EVERYWHERE. The horror of being engorged at work and realizing that you forgot your flanges in the washer at home. There are so many things about pumping that SUCKED, in addition to the reality that a breastpump is nothing like a suckling baby.

What would you love to see in a breastpump? Submit your idea at http://breastpump.media.mit.edu/idea.php
and join the discussion at https://www.facebook.com/groups/hackthebreastpump/

First Day of Pre-School

A few friday's back Mr Fox and I sent little fox off to his very first day of pre-school. The moment is as sweet as I could have ever pictured it.

I was searching pinterest the night before for first day of school picture ideas and every third pin was about 'first day of school separation anxiety'. NOT THIS KID! He literally ran away from us, wearing his monogramed backpack, screaming Bye!

For a difficult the first year of his life was for us all, little fox has grown into the sweetest, gentlest, confident little guy. He is generally happy and kind. He has so many friends, who he loves to see and asks to play with often. He gives kisses and randomly says "l love you mommy". He sleeps through the night! He says please and thank you, regularly impressing people we don't see often.  He's awesome - serious, I mean it!

I'd love to take credit for it all, but really think that it is just WHO HE IS.

no nonsense foxy

Its a Saturday afternoon. Little fox is napping, and Mr Fox is out for a ride. The laundry is running, the kitchen is tidied, and I am sitting her wondering what I should be doing. I've been wanting to blog, but don't have any clearly formed thoughts - nothing specific to post about. I just poured myself a mimosa, cheers - kiki baba, and logged in.

Late Summer in the Foxy home has been alright. Mr Fox has been a little more moody than normal, probably a bit depressed, and I've been working full time for the past two months, but generally speaking things have started to calm down. Working full time has actually been really nice, there is more consistency to my days, and honestly, I get so much more (guilt-free) time to myself, which I really do need.

I resigned from a non-profit board that I've been heavily involved with since its formation, and although it has been sad to watch things that I invested so much of myself into fail to grow into what I envisioned, it is a serious relief to not have that weight to carry any more. I passed the torch to a fully capable group of women and they proceed at their own rate along their own path.

I promptly joined two more Boards, because, you know, I suddenly had so much free time. ha. Really I couldn't help myself. I am super excited about both groups and the people who I get to work with.

One is a local charter school. The public school where I live really isn't a viable choice for little fox. and there are many private school options, but omg it would be hard to find (and justify) the money. The charter school is a great compromise of a public school mixed with the dedication of private school faculty and parental involvement. The school is currently renting substandard classrooms from the local district and embarking on a capital campaign to build a new campus. Super cool project.

The other board is a national consumer advocacy organization working to ensure that women can expect to receive evidence-based maternity care as the norm, and that their right to informed consent and refusal of care is respected. The other women involved are like rockstar amazing women, and I am inspired everytime we interact.

With both groups I am wanting to engage fully, but not exactly sure where I fit. I am reminded that we all have our strengths and weaknesses as I see the inter-personal dynamics play out among the existing teams. And I find myself being more assertive and decisive than I ever pictured myself. I just don't have the patience to sit in meetings or to deal with things that are not outcome focused. I also find myself knowing more than I expect, and with the confidence to assert my knowledge and experience. Maybe its because I am no longer the youngest person in the room, or because I've wasted all my patience at home with my boys, or idk, maybe I've just turned into a B. Whatever it is, I really feel like they can take me or leave me, and I don't have the time or patience to deal with nonsense.