The SHU

I've started reading the Scary Mommy blog and loved the recent post about how "Orange is the New Black Prepared me for Motherhood".

http://www.scarymommy.com/orange-is-the-new-black-prepared-me-for-motherhood/

The section that had me laughing out loud was:
"#2 Say Goodbye to Privacy. The bathroom stalls at Litchfield Correctional don’t have doors. And Piper found out the hard way that there are no private bedrooms, unless you get sent to the SHU. Motherhood is just the same, minus the luxury of an isolation unit."

I think that my single biggest surprise about parenting is that I would desperately long for time by myself. Never could I have expected that I would crave being along in a bed ALL NIGHT LONG, or want to take a vacation all by myself. It is rather ironic, right?

I've been stashing away little bits of money for a while now, with the intention of using it to go away for two nights all by myself to a beautiful retreat center that is a few hours from home. Maybe for my birthday later this Fall. Just to have some quiet time by myself, to sit, and think. and Sleep.

Making a Committment

One of the reasons I signed up for the Soul Coaching program is because I want to be very intentional about the volunteer commitments that I am making. There are so many things that interest me, and that I want to be a part of. Figuring out which ones are going to feed my soul, which ones are working with people who will inspire and encourage me, which ones I can have the greatest impact on, these are the questions that I need some time and space to ponder.

Today I am supposed to make a commitment to myself - something that I am committing to for the next 28 days.

I think that the most significant thing I can do for me, right now, it to commit to not making any commitments in the next 28 days. I am committing to give myself this space, this time, this process, so that I can think clearly about the opportunities and choices I have, and make intentional decisions about where and how I want to invest my time and energy.

At this moment, I think that the choices before me include:

- re-engaging in the early childhood development parent education non-profit I started many years ago. We just got notification that our big funder has renewed funding for the coming year. and no one on the current board is willing to step into a leadership position. What are the conditions that would need to be in place for me to decide to step back into the organization, and am I willing to take on a leadership role if I do?

- the local charter school, one that we would seriously consider sending little fox to is in the beginning process of building a new campus. I met with the Board President and walked away feeling so excited and energized. In a previous career I worked for a private school as we designed and funded a new campus. It was such incredibly rewarding work. And if I joined the board we would have priority, basically a guarantee lottery selection for little fox, in a few years when he is ready to start school. AND they want to include facility space and build programing for early childhood development classes - and are looking for a lead on the board to champion this work. (me?)

- Birth advocacy. I've been working with a very cool national organization that advocates for evidence-based maternity care and informed-consent for pregnant women. It is a fledging organization, with incredible success already under its belt, and the potential to grow in some meaningful ways. The energy of the Board is awesome. I love the entrepreneurial start-up mentality of everyone involved, and feel like I have so much to offer. The work I've done already has been really satisfying and significant in moving the group towards their goals.

- nothing. its definitely on the table. Maybe what I really need to do right now is ... nothing... nothing extra. Focus on my family. Be present for my little fox. Find ways to reconnect with Mr Fox. Visit my Tutu for lunch more often. plan my sisters baby shower (HURRAY!). be a friend to bestie. Maybe I need to take a time-out, disengage from volunteer work for a period of time, and just be.

- something else? I am open and listening.

Soul Coaching - Life Assessment

One of the questions that I was asked in my application was "what is your life purpose?"

I skipped it as I answered the other questions. because I didn't have an answer.

I mean, the only life purpose I've ever had was to become a mom.
Well duhh, I realized in that moment how far I've come in the past few years. Five years ago that question would have left me sobbing, and yet here I am today skipping the question because my life needs are met.

The next question asked me if I was living my life purpose? Without hesitation I answered absolutely! Which seemed strange since I wasn't able say what that purpose was. It didn't matter. I am confident that I am exactly where I need to be in my life right now.

What do I intend for the next 28 days? I think that maybe I just intend to make some space in my life for me, some space that will allow me to make intentional choices about where to give my time and energy. I intend to be open to the thoughts and ideas that come as a result.

What looks like resistance is often a lack of clarity. I will create space for change. My soul loves the truth.

taking care of me

I signed up for a 28 day Soul Coaching program. It seemed a little bit 'out there' but a few women who I really like and respect spoke highly of it, so I figured, why not. A big flowered box arrived in the mail last night containing a silk fabric, a binder with daily readings and assignments, a journal, and a few other goodies. This afternoon I'll join our first weekly conference call group meeting.

I'm overwhelmed at the thought of adding anything additional to my list right now, but excited that this is something that is really only just for me. It is for me to give to me. and I think that might be the right thing for me right now.

There are a handful of other things that I am flirting with engaging in... but am wanting to be really intentional about where I commit my energy. and I can't do it all. So it is really coming down to finding the right places with the right people to do work that is productive and meaningful.

My job share partner is expecting her second baby any day now and I'll be increasing my hours at work, so I need to be extra careful about my commitments given that I'll have even less time.

I've been exhausted the past week, like SO tired. But I think that it is going to take more than just sleep to restore me. It is the kind of emotional exhaustion that weighs on me so heavily. It is manageable so long as I am doing the right kind of work surrounded by the right kind of people. So that is my focus.

Mr Fox is 6 days sober with six meetings under his belt. It is good, but I am finding myself holding my breath that he is going to follow through with it.

We celebrated my grandma's 90th birthday last night. I love that woman so much. and I love seeing Little Fox talk with her. For anyone that remembers, years ago after her stroke, we ended up moving her into an elder care home. The whole family took over the back living room area and I hired a professional photographer to document the occasion. It was a really sweet evening. And I am grateful that she is still with us.

This is good. Writing makes me feel better, calmer. Thanks for listening.

It Gets Messy

This past Tuesday ranks as one of the worst days of my life. Probably right after the Monday that we got the Azoospermia news. I can't even recreate it all in my head anymore, with enough detail to write a recap of everything that took place leading up to that day, but it all happened. And we are here now.

Mr Fox is at his third meeting. This is his third day sober.

And at the same time that I feel scared shitless, I am strangely confident that everything will work out just fine.

It was so much simpler a few months back, when I cornered him in the shower and told him that I felt like he was choosing alcohol over me and that I wanted him to stop drinking. He said okay, and ended the conversation. I thought it was done, and over, and that we could move beyond it.

But the days passed and I *knew* that something wasn't right. Was it pills? Was he taking my anxiety meds? Should I hide them, count them? Something wasn't right. I even mentioned it to a friend, it was a relief to say it out loud, but felt like a betrayal of my beloved. He promised to stop drinking and I had no reason to ask him why something felt off - but it was, and I just thought that I must be crazy.

I wasn't crazy. He was lying. I still have a hard time wrapping my head around it. He thought, in his diseased mind, that as long as I didn't actually see him drinking that it was okay, and had started drinking again. I wasn't crazy.

When I discovered his stash in the garage, he was right there, and my first reaction was relief. Thank God it wasn't pills. I hugged him and told him I loved him, and that I was relieved it wasn't pills. But then over the next hours, I realized that it was betrayal. He had been lying to me, and didn't even realize how serious that was. I slept on the couch. I just needed some space to figure out what I was thinking. We talked the next night, but he really didn't get it. and I slept on the couch again. Nothing, in 14 years, has ever happened that led us not choosing to sleep next to each other. But I felt so alone emotionally, and needed to be alone physically.

We made love on Monday night, and I sobbed. We didn't talk about it, just loved each other.

But on Tuesday, it all fell apart on Tuesday. I said something that I still can't wrap my head around. I ended up telling him that I was taking our son and going to stay at my moms house until he had a plan he could share with me. I want to say that he made me give him an ultimatum, but somehow that doesn't feel fair to him. But once those words were spoke, everything changed. He finally 'got it'. He knew I was serious. He felt the weight of his choices. And yet, I wish I could take it back. I wish I could take those words back.


He negotiated two days to 'get his head ready to go to a meeting', and I agreed. So on Thursday night, he told me that he'd had his last drink, and on Friday at noon he went to a meeting.

The thing is, Mr Fox is an amazing husband and father. I love him with every cell in my heart. I knew that I was marrying an alcoholic and that someday we'd cross this bridge. I choose to make this man the father of my child, knowing that the day would come when I would have to hold him accountable for managing this disease. And I wouldn't change a thing.

The thing is, that if his 'plan' had been to continue drinking, despite my requests otherwise, I wasn't going anywhere. I was instead going to figure out how to get the support I needed to find peace with my decision to stay. The ultimatum was simply that I needed to know what his plan was, not that he had to stop drinking.

It's messy, and I'm guess that it might be messy for a while. So I'm back, if you want to ride this rollercoaster with me.

Privacy Please

Dearest Mom, Sissy, Bestie, and any of who know me in real life - I need to ask you a favor. I need this space back as an anonymous place to write. I am lovingly asking you to delete the link to this blog, and not to read any future posts. I love you and will talk to you when I need you. Right now I just need this as a safe place to process my messy thoughts. xoxo - Foxy

Missing You!

Oh how I miss this space, this time to write, and YOU!

There is much to share, but the thing that is on my mind at the moment is this:

HBear is Pregnant.

Her mom has been talking to my mom. She doesn't know who the father is. It is really sad.

If there is one thing I regret from when HBear lived with us it is that I didn't champion the birth control implant enough. I wanted her to make her own choices, and own those decisions, so I let the process move at a speed that was too slow, and it didn't happen before she went home.

She was doing so well too. Got her act together to prove everyone wrong and graduate from high school. Got herself a job at a local grocer, one that includes benefits and pays a low but livable wage. Repaired the relationship with her mom and was even paying rent to live at home. Bought herself a car. She was on a really good path. 

So now I am looking for a some advice about how to reach out to her. And how to bring up the topic of adoption with her. I want to show the appropriate level of excitement about the announcement, but also am very aware that her circumstances are less than ideal. I want to be sure that she knows what her options are, and still express confidence in her ability to succeed in whatever choice she makes. Any insight, thoughts, suggestions would be SO appreciated.

A love story

I am wanting to introduce baby cakes to the special story of how he came to be a part of our family. I've looked at some of the 'donor conception' books but they just don't feel right to me. So instead I  wrote a little story just for my boy... I am going to add lots of pictures and get it printed into one of those Costco Photo Books. (We already have a few of them, so it will fit in with our collection.)

I'd love your feedback... (asked with a tender heart)

All You Need is Love

Baby Cakes 's Story

Once upon a time there was a little boy and a little girl.

The little boy was named ML. He was born in Maine where he lived with his mommy and a daddy and a big sister who all loved him very very much. When he was still a baby his family moved to Boston, and then when he was even bigger he moved with his mommy and sister to San Diego.

The little girl was named Foxy. She had a mommy and a daddy and two little sisters who loved her very much. She was born in San Francisco, but her daddy was in the Army and so her family moved to many different places, until they finally settled in California to live near her grandma and grandpa.

ML was a very smart independent little boy. He loved to explore and build things. School was easy for him, and he had lots of different friends. He liked music and ...( getting ML to complete this sentence is like pulling teeth...)

Foxy was also a very smart and independent little girl. She loved to play in the forest near her house and make up stories with her friends. She tried very hard to do her best at school and always looked forward to playing sports after-school.

After they graduated from High School, ML and FOxy both went to college. ML studied Architecture and Foxy studied Business. They both made lots of friends and had a lot of fun with their new friends when they were not in class.

One special day, when they were almost finished with college, ML and FOxy met each other. FOxy thought that ML was very handsome and ML though that FOxy was very pretty. ML called Foxy and took her out on a date. The more time that they spent together the more that ML and Foxy liked each other.

ML and Foxy went on many grand adventures together. FOxy took ML to (home) to meet her mom and dad and sisters and friends. ML took Foxy to (home) to meet his dad, and to (home) to meet his sister, and to (home) to meet his mom and aunts and uncles. They went to parades and concerts with ML friends S, and T, and K, and C. They went skiing with FOxy's friends A, and M, and G, and D. They went camping, and to concerts, and a long train ride. They had so much fun together.

On another very special day, ML and Foxy invited all of their family and friends to join them as they publicly announced their love and commitment to each other at their wedding. It was one of the happiest days of their lives.

After they were married ML and FOxy continued to go on many fun adventures - skiing in the mountains, backpacking, camping on the beach with their puppy Callisto, traveling to Maui, and so much more. They had lots of parties at their house and spent lots of time with their friends and family.

ML and FOxy's life was so full of love and they wanted to share their love with a baby.

But after a long time they still did not make a baby so they decided to ask a doctor for help. There were many different doctors who helped them, and they took lots of tests and medicine. The doctors told ML and Foxy that they would need to use a special procedure called IVF and some special donor cells to help them get pregnant and have a baby. ML and Foxy were sad that they needed help, but happy that the doctors could help them.

ML and Foxy hugged and kissed each other and were so happy when they found out that FOxy was finally pregnant. Everyone watched FOxy stomach grow bigger and bigger as the baby grew inside.

Baby Cakes was born on December 27, 2011 in xxx. He was immediately welcomed into the arms of his mommy (Foxy) and daddy (ML) who loved him so very very much. They were so excited.

So many people had been waiting for Baby cakes's grand arrival and there was an explosion of love for this very special little boy. Soon after his birth he was visited by so many friends and family. They showered him with love and kisses and wishes for a life full of joy and laughter and adventure.

Once upon a time there was a little boy.

He was named Baby Cakes.

He had a mommy and daddy who loved him so very very much

All you need is love.

All you need is love.

All you need is love, love.

Love is all you need.

This Foxy Mama

I've been thinking a lot about this blog, this space, and wondering if i might need to revamp it. I miss writing so much, and I miss the community that I found here. However things are so different now than when I started writing. It occurred to me last night that it might be time for a new name and a new design. What started out as "Someday" became "My Foxy Family". But the truth is that I feel like its not really my place to write about my family, what I find myself wanting, and needing to write about is myself, and my (not so graceful) transition into this new role as "this foxy mama". So with that I'll be calling my girl Alison and asking if she can find some time to mix things up for me, possibly in the form of a new space altogether.

Now the writers block sets in....

I've been having a rough time the past few months. Well maybe its more that things started to come to a head, i was just hitting a wall. That scary place where you are so close to falling right off the cliff and losing your mind was edging closer and closer. I felt like I was going to implode and was barely hanging on to normal functioning ny my fingernails. I told ML that I was feeling out of sorts, I told him over and over each day that I just wasn't feeling right. I drove past the hospital on the way home from work and thought that maybe I should just stop and check myself in. I just needed a time out - a break from the responsibilities of everything, a safe place where I would be taken care of so that I have a chance to regroup and get my head straight.

Its not like I have any more responsibility than anyone else, In fact I am like a poster child of a supported mom. But it just wasn't working. I was so tired, cumulatively tired, exhausted, that I ceased to be able to think straight. My memory was a disaster, and my reactions to normal daily blunders were exaggerated and out of proportion. But apparently to everyone else it appeared that I was doing alight, dealing with the normal challenges of parenthood. 

As a side note, I have to say that I HATE the way that parenting challenges are 'normalized' by all the experts. It may be 'normal' to be tired, 'normal' to feel overwhelmed, 'normal' for a baby to wake up during the night, etc, but telling me its normal really doesn't help when I am so desperately asking for help. I understand that they want us all to feel like we are not alone, but seriously. It doesn't mean anything if everyone is in the same boat as me if I am the only one who is on the verge of falling overboard and drowning.

I was scared because I really thought I was losing my mind, I really thought that I was going to have to deal with this on my own. I'd been screaming (not really screaming) for help from my husbad, but not being heard.

I could explain the details of what all happened, but the bottom line is that I found a lady who finally listened. She listened and mapped out a plan. She gave me two simple choices and reassured me that things would get better. My anxiety was out of control and she had a solution to help me regain control - and get me the break i so desperately needed.

Thank god for good drugs. The short term plan is working out wonderfully. I feel so much better. I am sleeping so much better. I am working so much better. I am momming and wifeing so much better. And most importantly I can see clearly all of the moments that had been spiraling out of control and stop them in their tracks.

This Foxy Mama has not had a graceful transition into her now role. But then again there are very few transitions that I have been graceful about making. :) And in retrospect I've always been a fairly anxious little being. It makes sense that this wouldn't be much different.


Moving right along to the list of things that I'd love to write more about:

I was quoted in paper twice this week :) I am getting so tired of fighting to save a program in one community when there are so many other communities who are fighting to bring this same kind of service into their neighborhoods. But we seem to have growing support from the larger power structure, so the fight continues. And I pass the torch as Board President at our meeting next week.

I love my boss, seriously love my boss. She has taken on ACOG in the fight to keep midwifery legal in our state - and fix the legislative loophole that prevents medi-cal from offering homebirths midwives as a covered benefit. It is a rather fascinating study on the power of trade lobby groups controlling the legislative process, but she has empowered me to take it on and work every angle that we can to broaden the discussion to include those who are affected by these laws. You can learn more about the fight at www.cafamiliesformidwives.org.

On Thursday last week i ran away. Everyone thought that I was work. Work was told I was home sick, and I ran away to the spa. I slipped into the soft plush robe, sat in the soft recliner, felt the heat of the fire on my toes, and closed my eyes. It was glorious. It was so peaceful. I felt safe and relaxed for the first time in who knows how long. No one was going to bother me, interrupt me, expect anything from me. I got my nails painted. I took a long shower. I read a trash magazine. On the way home I worried for a moment that ML might be angry that I played hookie without letting him know, but then rationalized that it cost a third of what a therapy appt would have :) and I felt so refreshed.

Next up is a plan to escape to a retreat down the coast for a night. They normally are booked for workshops, but if you call in the morning, they sometimes have an extra room available. I've mapped out the days that I could make it work and set a reminder to call those mornings. It wil be my first night away from my baby, but I need it. and I know that he and daddy will deal just fine. :)

My time is up... may this foxy mama rise to the challenges that await!

Three years later

Mothers Day 2010 was my first post on this blog. It was a dark time of general despair about our future. Wow do things change. I will be celebrating my second mothers day on Sunday... There must be more to say abut this, but I'm not sure what, exactly. Life is so full these days, and I am often too tired to think beyond the next hour, much less into the future.

Reviewing my calendar this week, I had 'lunch with kim' scheduled for Friday. Disturbingly I had no memory of making plans and hadn't left myself any clues in the appointment. I texted two friends named Kim - who are both out of town this week - and the lunch was with neither of them. This is just one example of the memory loss that comes with sleep deprivation.

Among the things that I really do want to write about are:

The embryos - we paid for storage for another year. and ML keep saying, with great intent and very genuinely, that he does not want BC to grow up an only child. He is serious about trying again. and the thought still terrifies me.

Nursing - It is becoming an increasingly frustrating situation. It is like BC is obsessed with my breasts, and if I am around all he can think about is getting at them. I see other moms talk about the 'drive-by' nursing, but my child seriously wants me bare-chested with constant access. He pulls on my shirt which makes me .insane. I.hate.it. and find myself yelling at him when he pulls on my neckline. I'd intended to nurse as long as he wanted to, but am seriously considering if it is time to start limiting access.

Politics - I work in politics. Local politics mostly, and there are some intense local issues at play. More and more often I feel like I must be missing some critical piece of the picture, because the actions of people just don't add up. For a long time I was able to keep the emotions of my work very separate, but i find myself getting caught up in the drama more and more. I blame the lack of boundaries on being too tired to maintain clear separation, but it also probably has a lot to do with knowing that the issues facing our community now will significantly impact BC's future here.

Milestones - My baby is on the verge of talking. He started saying 'mama', 'ta-ta', and 'NO' this week. He'd been saying 'ice', 'booo' (for book), 'baaloo' (for balloon), and whoo-whoo-whoo (for dog - whoof whoof whoof) for a few weeks now. All of a sudden he is trying harder to repeat words that we say and paying close attention to language. It is pretty incredible to watch growth that feels like it is happening SO fast!

God Parents - yes, we are thinking about how this might work. and what to call it, since we are not religious. I'd love your thoughts, and suggestions.

New Furniture - We have been looking at new furniture and decided to take the plunge and order anew living room set. We've had our current couch for over ten years, and received it as a hand-me-down when it was retired from ML's dad's home. It is long overdue for replacement, and in such bad shape I don't think we could even give it away. The thought of a real living room set makes me feel like a real grown up! I am so excited.

Midwifery - I've found myself coordinating local advocacy for midwifery issues. The authorizing language for licensed midwifes is sun-setting as part of the Medical Board of California Sunset Review 2012. The California Association of Midwifes is working to ensure that their ability to practice in the state is not impacted negatively by the reauthorization legislation. Rather than actually pushing aggressively to correct some ridiculous limitations that are in the current legislation it seems as though they have chosen to take the path of least resistance and deal with the real issues later. Fundamental to the practice of midwifery in California is that current legislation requires that Licensed Midwives operate under the supervision of a physician and surgeon, however malpractice insurance will not cover any physician who supervises a midwife, and thus there are essentially no formal supervision arrangements in place. The Medical Board continues to issue new licenses to midwifes and has not enforced this provision, however medicaid refuses to pay for midwifery care that does not include a supervising physician. 

Facebook - I have SO loved staying in touch with some of my blog friends via facebook. It is so much easier to type a short update - or post a quick picture - than to get online and comment on blogs. My profile is hidden, and none of my facebook friends know about this blog, so I'm hesitant to post it here, but feel free to let me know if you want to connect there and I'll send you my profile link. (email me at foxypopcorn@gmail.com)

I do want to find more time to write. about some of these things that keep me up at night these days. actually, i fall asleep as soon as my head hits the pillow most nights, so maybe I should say -the things I think about while awake at night nursing BC. In any case, i miss writing.

Love to you all, and a big thanks to all who advocated at Advocacy Day and during NIAW!