the storm is over

Whose blog is this anyway?

I've been thinking, Whose blog is this anyway?

It was mine. but then he came.
It is my story, but it feels so much like his story.
They are so much the same, but oh so different.

and I realize that I hesitate to tell his story, because it is his, but that means that I don't get to tell mine anymore.

Not that I have ANY free time to write - or to think enough to have anything to write about.
But I want to keep writing. I want to keep writing my story. MY story as his mama.

The other day my boss was telling me about a women's group that she joined that meets via phone once a week. She is a very public local figure and most people that befriend her are looking to get something out of the relationship. The phone group allows her to connect with likeminded women while maintaining her anonymity. I totally get it. and I totally MISS it. I used to have that here. and I want it back.

My baby grew up!

My baby grew up- I think it happened overnight.

I think it happened last week. He is walking. And changing almost before my eyes.

I have a long long post in the works, looking back at his birth last year.

Until then...

I love him. Really. I really love him.

Best Noise EVER

And ML and I got to watch him take his first step on Friday after Thanskgiving. So cool.

round two - oh hell no!

Lots of discussion about 'round 2' these days. It was the topic of discussion at baby class the other day. I panicked when I saw it written on the board, and actually contemplated leaving. The topic is beyond loaded and I just wasn't feeling able to 1) listen to others talk about their seemingly simple 'plans', or 2) make sense of my own thoughts on the subject enough to say something inteligible.

I mean, my immediate reaction to the question has been "oh Hell NO".

First, Pregnancy did a number on my body. My back SI joint is still a mess. I suspect that my tailbone is going to hurt forever. I am still carrying 15 extra lbs that won't seem to budge. My bladder control leaves something to be desired. and while it seems weird, I swear that I damaged my feet during delivery - they are so stiff and achey in the morning when I first get up now. Weird right?

Second, The first few months with babycakes were not pleasant. In fact, they were pretty awful. He was so unhappy, and nothing I did helped him. It felt like he hated me. The truth is that I wasn't so fond of him either. (yeah, i really said that about the baby that I fought SO hard for.) I was not graceful in my adjustment to my new responsibilities.  I honestly do not think I could go through anything like that again. Really, the thought of having a newborn again terrifies me. I am even more terrified that if we tried again we'd end up with twins, and that scares me even more!

And finally, although it felt totally reasonable at the time, I have serious hesitations about going thru fertility treatments again. The emotional toll it takes just feels like more than I can handle again.

Everyone assures me that I will change my mind. That before I know it I'll catch the baby fever. I'm not so sure. But we do have two embryos on ice, and ML is intent on a sibling for babycakes.

SO, it IS a totally loaded question.
I know its okay to not have a plan, but people keep asking.
Loaded.

Kiki Baba

Its my birthday today. The best birthday that I've celebrated in years. I can't help but reflect on what the past year has brought me.

My babycakes is passed out on the couch, what we thought was a late nap appears to be a baby down for the count. It was a busy day with lots of folks here to celebrate with mimosas and donuts. Sweet boy must be exhausted.

Last year, even at 8+ months pregnant, I didn't fully believe that my dreams were coming true. I was waiting until I had that baby in my arms to finally breathe. But here he is, asleep on the couch, and I am planning his first birthday.

Birthing my son was an experience unlike any I could have ever imagined or prepared for - and I rocked it. Parenting an unhappy baby, one who screamed for months, reduced me to basic survival. Watching my lover reveal the most loving fatherly heart melted mine. Experiencing my dreams coming true - this year has been so full of the highest highs and lowest lows - nothing about it has been easy and yet everything about it has been amazing.

Please join me in toasting to another amazing journey around the sun!

Kiki Baba

Thursdays with Baby Cakes

Written By Grandma

Looking at wisps of baby fine hair, the swirls of a perfectly made ear, the dimples of a chubby hand and wrist; listening to the sweet regular breathing of a sleeping baby; feeling a trusting body molded into my chest—these are the gifts I get to soak in every Thursday afternoon.  This is when my grandson and I are together for playtime and then a “Grandma nap.”

Meditation is a time of “just being,” contained or extended thought, reflection, and a time to think
about something deeply. I have been taking classes on meditation for several years and struggle to fit in a regular practice; there always seems like something else needs to be done.

However, when it is “Grandma nap time,” Baby Cakes and I rock in his room, while he is snuggled against me in the Moby, a quiet place with white noise (this little guy has acute hearing and an intense interest in what is going on around him),and I sing my favorite MaryLee lullaby “Noyana” to him.  There is nothing else that commands my attention.  My phone is not with me and my thoughts are only on my gratitude of being with this precious child.

Baby Cakes gets a long nap and I get a long time for mindful awareness, with numerous benefits: physical, emotional, cognitive, and behavioral. What a wonderful combination!  As his naptime begins to wane, and he shifts, wiggles, opens his sleepy eyes and sees me and then smiles and grabs a few more winks, I melt further into the rocking chair and hug him just a tiny bit closer.  This waking may take some time and I am in no hurry for it to end (though I do look forward to playtime that follows!).  Sometimes the dog barks outside and in an instant BabyCakes rears his head, opens his eyes  and is on alert… “What did I miss?” or “let’s get moving, right now!”

Moral of the story, you don’t have to wait to be a grandmother (or grandfather) to grab those times of
“just being” with and enjoying your child.  Even with an endless to do list, the days (and nights) do pass by and your memories of breathing in, watching and soaking in the presence of your child are more than worth it.

Is it Thursday yet?

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My mom wrote this last month for a local newsletter.
I had to share.

happy halloween

what the f mom.

Random Fear

I worry like crazy that someone is going to sneak into my house at night and steal my baby.

Otherwise, I generally feel like my baby cakes is invincible. I don't worry about illness, or injury, or anything bad happening to him.

But I am obsessed with this fear of someone stealing him out of his crib at night.
Too weird.

Nine Months On

I can't begin to describe the surreal feeling that is watching my baby play with the babies of my bestest childhood friends. Last night a good friend visited with her 2 year old daughter. She had also struggled with years of infertility. It gave me shivers to watch my baby cakes chase after her daughter. Our two little miracles.  

Little Dude is cutting his first tooth, on the top, and I feel so proud - as if I have anything to do with it!

I give up as far as any expectations about sleeping through the night ever again. I just give up.

Work is going well. Beyond loving my job, I actually really enjoy being out of the house and away from little dude. I never expected to feel this way, and am so grateful that everything has worked out the way it has.

Just this weekend my baby started standing on his own. We get a few seconds before he panics and sits down, but it is happening more and more, and I can watch him getting stronger.

An ivf friend with a babe about the same age as mine already cycled again for #2. I am still feeling very sure that we are DONE. I seriously don't think I can do the infant thing again. and the thought of twins absolutely terrifies me. This whole experience has kicked my butt big time!

Two good friends are expecting this winter and I want to sew them little presents, but haven't had any dedicated time to work on these gifts. It makes me realize just how little time I actually have for myself for anything anymore.

I continue to feel closer to my little dude. Its taken some time, but I am growing into my role as his mama. It helps that he shows me now that he loves me. Sometimes (rarely) when I leave for work he cries or reaches for me, which strangely makes me really happy. I love knowing that we are connected like that.

Much love to all of you who are still fighting for your dreams. You are always in my heart.