41 weeks 1 day

I am beginning to wonder if I might never go into labor.  I am beginning to doubt that this will ever happen. I know that there is a baby in my stomach. I feel it moving. I can push and poke it. We heard its heartbeat just a few days ago. We have names chosen for it, and a dresser full of clothing washed and ready for it to wear.

And yet, every morning I wake up ready and excited to birth this child and wait for my body to give me some sign that it might be time.  I know that it will happen. I do. I just wish that I could know that it would be soon.

In so many ways I am grateful for this extra time that I get to be pregnant. I am grateful that my baby is growing healthy and strong. I am grateful that my body has held up so well to being pregnant. I am grateful that I was able to take time off from work these past two weeks and that ML has been home to spend that time with me. I am grateful for every single bit of this experience.

Its just that with every day that passes the waiting seems to get harder.

Each day brings us closer to Christmas, which is kind of a bummer of a holiday to have to share with a birthday. We are also going to be hosting Christmas at our house with ML's mom and stepdad arriving on Friday, his sister and her family arriving on Saturday. We'd expected to have a baby that was a couple weeks old... not a day or two old... or possibly even not born yet!

Bestie had to leave town for the holidays and now she won't get to meet the baby until after Christmas. My grandma left on Thursday to go live with my Aunt in another state.  I am so sad that she won't get to meet her great-grandbaby.

I also can't ignore the anxiety that is creeping up about the logistics of our birth plans if we don't have the baby before next Friday. Our midwives will allow us to deliver at home up to 43 weeks, but I'm not sure how comfortable I am with going much past 42. Our old OB won't take us back into her practice after 40 weeks, so we are left going to the ER and getting whoever is on-call if we need to be induced.

The midwives suggested that although they normally don't recommend any testing until after 42 weeks, I could always get a biophysical profile done before then if I wanted. Because the midwives don't have hospital privileges they can't order one, so I am going to have to get creative in order to find an OB who will order and perform the test for me. I know that they won't turn me away if I show up in the ER saying that I am 42 weeks pregnant and worried about my baby, but I sure would prefer to avoid the stress of that kind of situation.

I have worked professionally with the head of OB at our local County Hospital, and mentioned to him a few weeks ago that we were doing a homebirth. Most OB's in this community are not midwife friendly, but he seems to be different. He is responsible for making VBAC's available in our County, and his hospital has the lowest rate of c-sections and epidurals around. I am going to send him another email and see if he might be able to order and/or perform the BPP for me next Wednesday (at 41w5d). I  am a little worried that it might be crossing some sort of professional boundary, but am not sure what else to do...

I am well informed about my birth options, and confident in my decisions, however I know how sensitive I am to comments that people make and really don't want to subject myself to an exam with an OB who is going to try and convince me otherwise.

At 8 days past our due date I am feeling really good. I've adjusted to the changes that these last few weeks brought on and with a much slower daily pace am doing really well. We go on a small walk everyday. I putz around the house, rest on the couch surfing the web, take a bath, chat on the phone, etc. There is virtually nothing for me to do, nothing for me to think about. I have the perfect amount of energy to do feel great. I'd been feeling very emotional and irritable before leaving work, but now that I have no responsibilities my emotions have been totally manageable. The hormones are at the surface no doubt, considering that I did burst into sobbing tears the other night when a horse died on the random TV show we were watching, and that I get super snappy at the retarded HR lady I had to talk to yesterday regarding the claims for my disability insurance.

Soooo, we wait. a little longer.

and I look at ML and smile.

and he assures me that it is going to happen, that this baby is coming.

Maternity Pics

Due Date!

December 9th.
This is the day that we've been waiting for. Give or take a few weeks, that is!
The Foxy Baby is officially due today.

I'd planned to work right up until I went into labor, HA! Last Friday I decided that enough was enough and called it my last day in the office. I thought that I'd work from home this week, but it hasn't actually played out like that. I saw my GP on Wednesday and she officially signed me out of work on disability. (Can you see me smiling?)

ML had a very big interview on Wednesday. Out of town, for a project that could keep him gainfully employed for the next few years. His team was one of 6 who got shortlisted for interviews. 4 teams will be selected to have the work divided up among them. He feels really good about the interview and our fingers are crossed. Its been a rough few years for his industry, but we've managed. This would really be the most awesome thing if he gets this job. He'd be working from home, with periodic meetings in the city where the project is located, which happens to be one of our most favorite cities to visit. Please cross your fingers.

I am feeling more and more pregnant every day. More aches. More tired. More emotional. More ready to meet this baby. I haven't been sleeping very well at night, which means that I am tired during the day, but too uncomfortable to nap. Usually a hot bath will give me some temporary relief from the aches, but when I am tired nothing seems to help. I emerged from the bath on Tuesday in tears feeling so overwhelmed. I gave in on Wedensday night and took a sleeping pill which seems to have helped tremendously. My midwife encouraged us to have sleeping pills on hand to be sure that I am well rested when we go into labor - smart lady :)

The house is ready. The fridge is full. We picked up the birth tub yesterday. The bed is made up with multiple layers of sheets and plastic mattress covers. Plans are in place for HBear to go stay with my mom. I even have birth announcements mocked up and ready to go with labels printed.

I am excited. Feeling really positive about going into labor and being able to birth this baby. But also knowing that I am going to be so sad to not be pregnant any more. I've loved everything about the way that my body has grown and changed, the feelings of a little creature in my stomach, the way that people look at me, I've loved it all. Its been everything that I imagined it to me and so much more. I feel so lucky for the chance to have experienced this.

I've also done a lot of thinking about our plans for more. I'd always been so sure that I wanted a big family with ML - 3, maybe 4 kids. When it became clear that it wasn't going to be easy ML was clear that he'd be happy with one, if I insisted that we pursue treatment. I couldn't imagine the thought of only having 1, of an only child. However these past few months have changed my thinking. I feel so grateful that we are actually having this child. I'm not sure that I want to go thru everything again. I'm not sure that I want to expose my family to the rollercoaster of hope and grief that goes hand in hand with treatment.

Thinking that I might never be pregnant again, that I might never experience these belly kicks and bladder jabs, its an emotional jumble of gratitude and sadness, of love and loss. I suppose that we will cross that bridge when the time comes. We do have two frozen embryos, but at this moment in time, I am at peace with the thought that this is it.

So I sit here today, on Foxy Baby's due date, rocking my hips my birth ball, savoring every last minute of being pregnant, every last ache and pain, and waiting with anticipation for a sign that this little one is ready to meet its family. We are ready for you baby.

Temper Tantrums

I should probably knock on wood before I publish this post. I just read an article about the science of temper tantrums, and am really irked by the 'conclusions' that the researchers made and the ignorant comments made by people who read the article.  (http://www.npr.org/blogs/health/2011/12/05/143062378/whats-behind-a-temper-tantrum-scientists-deconstruct-the-screams)

As a child, I threw horrendous temper tantrums. I'm not sure when they started, but I can remember having them into middle school. My memory might not be perfect, but I have a pretty clear idea about what caused my blow-ups and what might have helped resolve them.

According to the researchers, the best thing for parents to do is to simply ignore the child, wait for the "anger" stage to pass, then offer comfort for the "sadness" stage.

     "The trick in getting a tantrum to end as soon as possible, Potegal said, was to get the child past the peaks of anger. Once the child was past being angry, what was left was sadness, and sad children reach out for comfort. The quickest way past the anger, the scientists said, was to do nothing. Of course, that isn't easy for parents or caregivers to do."

I respectfully disagree.

I'd argue that in most cases, temper tantrums are how a child communicates frustration when they don't have the words to express themselves or the attention that they need. Maybe I was a needy kid. Maybe I didn't have the language skills. It really doesn't matter. I have such clear memories of feeling desperate to be understood, while my frustration increased as my attempts to communicate failed, leading me to a place where I really didn't want to be.

To simplify a temper tantrum by suggesting that it is a way for children to manipulate parents is downright disrespectful. No one, child or adult, wants to be put in a situation where they feel desperate and out of control. Having to turn for comfort to the person who ignored you when you were desperate for help isn't much better.

I'm not suggesting that my parents did anything wrong - or in any way "caused" my tantrums. I don't doubt for a moment that I wasn't a difficult child to raise. I am stubborn, always have been. I don't respond well to the imposition of rules when their necessity can't be explained to me. From a young age my parents taught me to think independently and question things I didn't understand. This really made it difficult for my parents to use the "because we say so" line, but we did have good open communication and were able to talk about the 'why' behind most situations.

There was one incident when I was in kindergarden. My mom had plans to go out but apparently they hadn't been communicated to me. There was something I needed to tell her, but she left before I could talk to her. When I realized she was gone, I started screaming for her. My dad wouldn't get her for me, and I thought that if she heard my crys that she would return so that we could talk. Instead of simply asking me what I needed and helping me either get my mom before she drove away or understand why she wasn't able to come back into the house, my dad put me into my room until I stopped screaming. I was beyond frustrated. I felt alone. I felt abandonded. I felt out-of-control and I hated it. In my 5 year old rage, desperate for my parents to hear to me, I threw my doll's high chair into my bedroom door, puncturing 4 little foot holes right through the door.

Why do we think that it is okay to ignore a child when they need us most? If my sister or friend called me, upset about something, I would never consider ignoring her, telling her to call me after she had calmed down. If she was upset or yelling at me, I might ask her to lower her voice or be respectful so that we could talk about what was going on, but I can't imagine a situation where I would simply turn them away completely. Why is it okay to do this to a child?

Bestie is doing an awesome job raising her daughter, who recently turned two and has begun to test the waters of defiance and independent thinking. Bestie explains that it has been helpful when she gets frustrated to think about treating her child as an adult with dementia, showing the respect and patience that you would give to a loved elder, recognizing that they have limited capacity to understand or deal with their feelings, but deserve to be treated with kindness, dignity, and love regardless. This makes so much sense to me.

I acknowledge that it is easy for me to write these thoughts, not yet having had to deal with my child in the midst of a breakdown, but I had to share. and hopefully when my own child challenges me I'll be prepared to rise to the occasion responding to their needs from a place of love and compassion.

39 weeks

How far along? 39 Weeks

How is Mommy Feeling? 

- So tired. I only got out of bed today to eat, pee, and take a bath. 

- Achy. Its like my whole body aches, my back, my ribs, my legs, everything.

- Poofy. I feel like I have little sausage feet. and yes, I know that i still have ankles and that it could be SO much worse, it doesn't change the fact that my poor body feel quite swollen.

- Irritable and emotional. Lame little things are upsetting to me and my patience has all but disappeared.

- Sad... that this pregnancy is going to be over so soon.  I just don't want it to end just yet.

How is Daddy Feeling? 

- hmmm. I'm not sure. I think that he is enjoying these last few days/weeks before our lives change forever. 

- He has a big interview for a very important project next Wednesday, and is a little nervous about the timing. We've decided that the baby can't come until after he gets home Wednesday night.

- Other than the interview, he is ready. Ready to have a wife who isn't so full of complaints.

- Scared that instead of having a pregnant wife, he'll have a sleep deprived wife and a crying baby. Not sure which is worse. 

- I think that he might also be a little excited about the delivery. Since we'll be at home, depending on how everything is going, he might be able to actually catch the baby as it is being born. Our midwife gave him a little lesson at our last appt. I'd never thought about it, but she made it sound like it was just about the coolest thing in the world, catching your baby as it is being born. 

Total weight gain? 

- yeah, we're not talking about the weight gain... I'm up 65 lbs to 215 according to the scale at the midwives. 

Symptoms? 

- My right ribcage still hurts, but I'm noticing it less and less, maybe because everything else hurts more and more. 

- My SI Join, at the base of my spine where my hips connect in the back, is very painful when I am in the wrong position on my back and try to move. 

- Heartburn seemed to disappear for a bit, but is back in force. Tums and Pepto are constant companions. 

- I'm tired.

The Belly? 

- it definitely keeps growing, but I hear from so many people that it still looks quite small for me being so far along. 

- I love it. I am in awe every time I look at myself. 

- I love it when people touch it and notice it and love on it. 

The Boobies?

- yep, I've got me some real boobs! with real stretch marks.

Big News this Week? 

- I decided that I'm done going into the office. Whoever made me think that working until the baby arrived was reasonable is insane. I will do my best to get as much done from home next week as possible, but seriously, I'm just so tired and checked out. 

- ML got short listed for an awesome project. He is an architect and work has been scarce these past few years. This project would keep him busy for a few years!!! We really need this. Eight firms were selected for interviews this coming Wednesday. Four firms will get pre-qualified and the work will be divided up amongst them. The interview is out of town - about two hours away in one of our favorite cities. If this baby knows whats best, it will know to wait until Daddy rawks the interview before deciding to make its appearance. 

- I've done a few things that I fear have been thoughtless and possibly hurtful to my friends who are still struggling on this journey.  I didn't even think about them until much later and am probably spending way too much time thinking about it, but still need to apologize.  and also to express this frustration (or maybe it is a sadness) that it can't just be easy. No one said anything,  but it occured to me the title of my last post was really thoughtless. I also changed my facebook profile to be a photo of my painted belly from my blessingway. Finding the balance between wanting to celebrate every little bit of this experience while respecting the grief that got us here is a challenge. 

love and hugs,

Got Bump?

Grandma Foxy telling Baby Foxy that she can't wait to play. 

Belly Painting at my Blessingway

39 weeks! I still can't believe that this is for real! 

the just in case Birth Plan

I mentioned it yesterday and thought I'd share it here. As I said I am feeling really good about our decision to have this baby in the safety and comfort of our own home. Most of our preparations have been around a homebirth. I freaked out a few weeks back when I realized that we were wholly unprepared in the event that we needed to go to the hospital. I am not at all opposed to transferring if that is where we need to be, but felt like there was some slightly different preparation necessary. I found pieces of birth plans online and patched them together into this one.

*****

Birth Plan for  Foxy and ML

Unplanned Cesarian Section and/or Hospital Birth

Goal: It is our goal that should a cesarean be necessary for this birth, that the entire process be treated as the joyful, celebratory, respectful event that birth was meant to be. We realize that cesareans and other surgeries are a common event at hospitals. However, we ask that the staff respect that for us this individual surgery is neither common nor routine, but rather is a very special and long awaited event that will have effects lasting a lifetime. 

I strongly desire for my husband and friend (of my choice) to be with me AT ALL TIMES. I do not consent to being left alone without my husband and/or friend at ANY time for ANY reason during my hospital stay. 

Pre-op:
I desire to be modestly draped at all times.

I request that everyone in the OR be introduced to my partner and I and that we are explained what their role is.

Please place the IV in my left hand/arm.

I do not consent to tying my arms down unless I am unable to control them. I strongly wish to have at least one hand free to be able to touch the baby once the baby is delivered. If needed, release my right arm after the baby is delivered.

I do not consent to a catheter being inserted until after anesthesia is administered.

I prefer epidural anesthesia.

I do not consent to tranquilizers, sedatives or amnesiac drugs being administered. My husband or I will ask for these drugs if we feel they are necessary.

During the Cesarean:

I would prefer a low transverse incision.

Conversation between staff kept to a minimum (no casual chatter unrelated to the birth) with focus being on making my partner and I feel as at ease as possible and kept informed as to what is taking place.

I strongly wish that the father be the person to announce the baby’s gender after birth.

I strongly wish that the father be the person to cut the umbilical cord.

I strongly wish to see the baby being born either by lowering of the drape or providing a mirror.

I do not consent to a single layer suture to close my uterus.  A double layer closer with dissolvable stitches must be used.

I do not consent to staples to close my skin layer and instead want sutures.

I do not consent to my husband being separated from me even in the case of general anesthesia. It is important that the birth of our child be witnessed by a family member even if I am not in need of support at that time.

I do not consent to any students, interns, or unnecessary staff watching or participating.

I strongly desire for the baby to remain on my chest or in my arms throughout suturing, recovery, etc.

We intend to keep my placenta.  Please keep it clean and refrigerated.

Newborn Care:

I strongly desire for the baby to be placed STILL WET on my bare chest immediately following the birth. Please cover us both with with warm blankets as necessary and perform any essential newborn assessments while the baby is on my chest.  

If for any reason the baby cannot be placed on my chest, I strongly desire for the baby to be placed on the bare chest of its father. 

Bulb suctioning only unless baby shows signs of problems.  Any deep suctioning to be performed with a mobile unit while I hold baby or at my immediate side.

I do not consent to weighing, foot printing, PKU testing, Vitamin K injection, or other routine non-medically necessary tasks for the first five hours after birth. 

I do not consent to hospital staff bathing or cleaning the baby at all.

I do not consent to the use of any artificial nipples for the baby.

I do not consent to the administration of eye ointment or hepatitis b vaccination.

I do not consent to the baby being removed from my presence at any time. If the baby must go to the NICU or nursery for necessary medical treatment, the father must accompany the baby at all times.

Recovery and Postpartum Care:

My preference post-op is to utilize a PCA system for pain management.  If oral medication is used, orders to be written for me to be woken up for timely doses (not waiting for my request).

I would like to be able to eat real food following the delivery so that I have the strength to nurse & care for my new baby.

I would like access to the baby’s & my medical chart.

Additional things to remember:

If necessary, we prefer transfer to (hospitals with NICU). 

Please take pictures! Lots of them.

Please keep in mind our journey to get here and be sensitive about your comments.

It is important to me that this experience is as inclusive of both parents as possible.

Please listen to me and verify that you’ve understood me. I need to know that I’ve been heard.

unorganized thoughts

Lets see, I have lots and lots to write about. I have lots and lots that I want to write about so that it is captured, so that I remember it later. Its all unorganized though, and I keep thinking that I'll be able to sort it out and write up some organized posts, but the days keep passing...

Thanksgiving - I've been thinking all along that our baby could come anytime between Thanksgiving and Christmas. And now amazingly we are here, in that window of time where we will finally meet our child. After freaking out last week about not feeling ready, I am feeing better. Maybe not totally ready, but at peace with the timing of things. ML ordered the carseat, I bought the missing diaper wipes, we got the maternity shots, and had the blessing way. There is some stuff to finnish up at work, but honestly I'd be fine leaving it undone, and am really looking forward to not having to go back into the office for a while. (although I will be working thru my due date on Dec 9th, unless the baby comes before then.)

Sleeping - I've been snoring for a while now, but think that it might have turned into sleep apnea. Even when I am on my side it is happening. It is waking ML up at night, and also becoming an impediment to my own sleep. Thanksgiving I tried sleeping on the recliner couch. It was marginally better than the bed, but not by much. The next night I tried sleeping on the other couch, our big L shaped extra wide couch. I was able to get a better night sleep and figured out a way to arrange pillows in our bed so that I can sleep in a semi-reclined position with support on my back making it easier to sleep on my side. We had to push the bed into the corner in order to build my pillow fort, but its working out really well. The only challenge is the climb out of the bed to pee multiple times every night.

Cycle Buddies - As we approach our due date my thoughts are often with Augusta. We cycled together back in the spring, and celebrated our positives together. At her 12 week appointment, just a day before mine, she learned that her baby's heart had stopped beating. She and her husband were devastated and I was shaken to the core. Not that any of this makes sense, but I still can't get my hear around how so much loss and sadness is possible can be dumped onto a single wonderful human being.  I also struggle with knowing what to do or not do, to say or not say, wanting to continue loving and supporting this dear woman as her journey continues,  yet realizing how hard it might be for her as this due date of her much loved child approaches. I wonder how to communicate via the internet when sometimes there just aren't words.

Azoo Buddies - Julie, Laura, Alison, and Genevieve - I will never be able to thank you girls enough for sharing your stories so honestly. You've given me so much strength. The love and admiration that you have for your husbands, for your beautiful babies, The compassion that you have for others who are on the same path as us, my heart simply overflows with gratitude.

The Class of 2030 - If things had worked out differently, ML and I would be preparing to celebrate the fourth birthday of our first child later this winter. We would have been ahead of the curve when it came to starting our family in comparison to our friends. Interestingly many of our friends waited until their early 30's to build their families, and as it turns out our timing with this baby couldn't be more spot on.

The evening of our blessingway, ML got a call from his best friend Mr Traveler announcing that Mrs. Traveler is pregnant! They'd been trying for some time, but she's watched so many friends struggle (and a handful give up) with fertility treatments that she wasn't sure that it was a path they'd choose.  I couldn't be more excited that we will get to experience this parenthood thing with this awesome couple. I am especially thrilled that ML and Mr T will have each other for support!

As they talked, they realized that there are a whole lot of our friends (including a bunch of the guys from ML's fraternity) who are expecting babies for the class of 2030. A decent handful of us are all on #1, with a few on #2, and a few more who just announced that they are expecting #3. Not only am I really excited that we will have so much good company, but I am also so relieved that we've been pregnant as all of these pregnancy announcements hit.

My Blessingway - Bestie and my mom hosted the sweetest blessingway for me last weekend. It was small and simple, but perfect and just what I wanted and needed. We sang a few songs, the ladies who'd gathered shared some poems, stories, and other words of encouragement. I sat with my feet in a delicious footbath and got hand and foot massages. We blessed our home. Then we painted my belly. It was so nice. Then we invited the boys to come over for dinner. ML emerged from the bedroom where he'd been in hiding and was showered with gifts of daddy books. I'd wanted to find a way to include him in the celebrations and this was just perfect. Watching him open these sweet gifts and seeing the smile on his face nearly made me cry. I love him so much.

Group B Strep - Among the things I was worried about last week was the Group B Strep test. The midwives offered me the test if I wanted it, but explained that most of their clients declined the test since there wasn't a good way to treat it at a homebirth. They suggested I read up on it and let them know what we'd like to do. I read up, and there was no way that I wasn't going to treat it if it was positive. We've been in the less than 1% category too many times for me to think that it wouldn't apply to us, and the 1 in 200 odds of a sick baby if I was GBS + and didn't get the IV antibiotics simply wasn't a risk I was willing to take. I let them know, and they started looking into our options in case the test came back positive. I decided not to worry too much until we got the results which it turns out are negative.

HomeBirth - Things are coming together nicely. I am feeling so good about our choice. I love my home, I love my bed, my shower, my puppy. I love it here. I feel so safe here. I won't argue for a second if we need to transfer to the hospital, but I do feel really good about our choice to stay at home so long as everything is safe and normal.

Just in Case BirthPlan - In the event that we need to transfer to the hospital or have a c-section I need to know that we were prepared, that my people were prepared to advocate for what I wanted. It isn't ideal because we won't have the opportunity to review our plan in advance with the on-call OB, but certainly better than nothing. My biggest fear is of being left alone, at any time, for any reason, while in the hospital. I think ML knew this, and I think that I impressed this onto the midwives so that it won't be an issue. I do worry though that hospital policy might not be so accommodating.

Work - I reduced my hours to 32 per week. I really wish that I could call it quits though, and just take it easy putzing around the house, getting my christmas shopping done, taking three baths a day, writing my thank you notes, and generally letting my mind be as unengaged as it wants.

Maternity Pictures - After my breakdown last Saturday, we got our maternity shots taken on Sunday morning. I felt great, and can't wait to see the pictures. Oh my gosh I can't wait.

Anticipation - We've officially entered the "It could be anytime" phase. There is most definitely an anticipation in the air at the Foxy Home.

Most Perfect Diaper Bag Ever

I have the best Bestie a girl could ever ask for. Not only did she help plan the sweetest blessingway, talk me down from the edge yesterday, but she made me the most beautiful perfect diaper bag a girl could ever ask for. 

I love her. 

I love this bag.

and I love everything that this bag represents. 

I am so beyond lucky. 

Blithering

I feel like I am falling apart at the seams.

I've been on the verge of tears all day. The kind where they well up in my eyes and break my voice up if I try to talk.

I'm feeling the pressure of a deadline that could be tonight or could be five weeks from now.  Combined with a tired that seems to be growing as a result of all the tossing and turning I do at night and a set of body aches that are just wearing me down.

I woke up a couple weeks back overcome with emotions that had left me alone for the majority of this pregnancy. The tears, the frustrations, the irritability, the grump, these unwelcome guests just forced their way back into my life.

Last Friday I got into a fight with my sister about Thanksgiving. She left in tears and I felt awful. It is a longstanding issue in our family, but seriously there is no excuse for me to say anything to make her cry.

At work this week I almost tore into a colleague because she wasn't following through on a request that I'd made of her earlier. I was so frustrated that I actually called her boss to report her defiance - luckily he wasn't there and I had time to collect myself before making a scene about something that has been this way for a long time and probably isn't going to change until she retires.

Worst of all, I blew up at ML this morning. Its like I was possessed and unable to communicate rationally. I swear I have rational thoughts, but instead they come out like obsessive demands, and when he responded to them as such I just fell apart. and its taken me all day to try and regain my composure.

I am so worried about meeting this deadline, and yet I basically lost a whole day of preparation to these emotions.

Among my biggest issues at the moment is maternity pictures. I want these pictures. I've dreamed of these pictures. And yet I've put off scheduling these photo shoot for some unknown reason. For a long time I was afraid to plan anything, and then I wanted them to be perfect and waited until I had the time to decide exactly what I wanted, and now I feel like if we don't do them NOW, there is a chance that they won't happen at all.

I hit my breaking point this morning when I asked ML to take some pictures with me before breakfast and he suggested that it could wait until later in the day. I honestly can't recall how it all fell apart, but it did. I told him that I would never forgive him if I didn't get these pictures. As I started to lose it, he tried to offer a few other suggestions that only made me more upset.

Bestie and I ended up talking. I explained that I was such a mess at this point that I just needed ML to take charge and make the photos happen. I was beyond the point of being able to choose or call a photographer. I was beyond the point of being able to select clothing to wear or the types of pictures I wanted. I had turned into a blithering idiot who needed to be coddled. Her sister had recommended a photographer earlier, so her sister called the guy to see if he was available for a shoot today. He wasn't, so she text his info to ML so that he could set up a time tomorrow. ML promptly forwarded the contact info along to me so that I could call the guy....

Apparently I don't know how to communicate to him that I am just so overwhelmed that I need him to take over for a bit. And how is he supposed to know what I need if I can't tell him?

I feel like there are a few things that I feel like I've been asking for from ML in preparation for this baby, and while he is taking on a TON of other really important responsibilities he is not understanding why these things are important to me.
A book I wanted him to read - one book to prepare him to be a good birth partner. I know how much I am going to rely on him and need to know that he is prepared.
A few birth classes that I signed up up to take together - the curriculum turned out to be less than robust and we didn't really learn much of anything, but I took it so personally that he balked attending.
These maternity pictures - how can he not see that we are running out of time?
Just thinking about it now is bringing on the tears again.

I feel so lame for being so lame.
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I am not ready for this to be over. I am not. and I feel the clock ticking that this pregnancy is coming to an end. And while I sit here complaining, I just want it to last for a while longer.

I just don't know if we will ever do this again. The more I think about it the more I find myself thinking that this just might be it. and I want these last few days/weeks to be great. and I want the birth to be the best that it can be. There is no going back.
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The photographer is coming tomorrow at 10:30 for our photo shoot. ML took me shopping to get some clothes for the pictures. My mom is taking me for a foot massage this evening. Bestie and my mom are throwing me a small blessingway tomorrow. We are going to bless this home, paint my belly, sing some songs, and hopefully help me find a better emotional place to be.