Full Moon

ML and I admired the almost full moon last night. I've always heard that more maternity wards are extra busy on the full moon.

The next full moon will be on December 10th. I think that would be a perfect day for our baby to makes its entrance into this wonderful world.

And I can spend the next month watching the moon wane and wax knowing that each night is bringing me one day closer to my Someday family.

36 weeks

How far along? 36 Weeks

How is Mommy Feeling? 

- Great! I really am feeling fantastic, loving every minute of these final weeks. 

- Overwhelmed with gratitude. I can't stop thinking about how incredible this whole experience has been, about how lucky ML and I are to be where we are right now. I am overwhelmed by all of the love that has been showered upon us, by my mom and sister, by Bestie and her sister and their families, by the people at work who have all been so wonderful and supportive, by everyone I encounter everyday who sees this as the miracle that it is.

- I did wake up last Friday feeling very emotional. Little things started irritating me. People at work started getting to me. My patience with HBear got very thin. I started worrying about things again. I cried for the first time in months. Week 35 marked the return of the emotional Foxy. 

- I have a long list of things that need to get done before the baby comes, but I am so tired and unmotivated. I'd be thrilled if my only responsibilities every day were to relax on the couch, listen to music, go for a walk, do some yoga, eat some food (that someone else makes), cuddle with ML, and chat with friends. 

- I realized last week that we were not at all prepared for the possibility of a hospital delivery. I am not opposed to going to the hospital if need be, or to any of the interventions that are available to us at the hospital if need be. I am however  very concerned about the rest of the 'standard' hospital procedures and protocol that we'd be subject to that are not necessarily necessary. I've started worrying about seemingly simple things like the hospital staff bathing our baby - which I know seems dumb, but I really don't want to happen. I'm desperately worried about being left alone in the event of a c-section, during the time that ML would have to change into scrubs or if he had to follow the baby to the nursery.  Stuff like that... We talked about my concerns with the midwives, and I wrote up a 'just in case' plan that we'll review at our check-up next week. I have so much confidence in being at home, but don't want to set myself up for panic if we end up transferring. It will feel so much better to know that my team is prepared to advocate for me, if need be. 

How is Daddy Feeling? 

- Daddy is working so hard to get this studio remodel finished. Instead of renting out rooms of our home, we will have a totally separate private studio apartment to rent out come January. He has done almost all of the work himself and it looks great. We stood admiring his craftsmanship the other night and talked about how we could be totally comfortable in the 250 sqft 1 bedroom studio. 

- Not necessarily a feeling, but I think it is important to acknowledge that ML has been to almost every single appointment leading up to this pregnancy and birth. I only attended one fertility appointment on my own (at which I fully fell apart in hysterics) and there was one pre-natal that he wasn't able to attend. He has been so involved every step of the way. 

- Regardless of his involvement, he has expressed feelings of being left out of the experience. We've watched some birth videos and where I see a beautiful family cuddled up together following a birth, he sees a mother and child with a father standing awkwardly to the side. 

- Acknowledging that this is part of our experience, I have to share a comment that our midwife made a couple weeks ago. She was feeling my stomach and inquired as to my birth weight, then asked ML about his birth weight. She was trying to get a sense for the size of this baby, and ML had to kindly remind her about the genetics of our child. He was calm and matter of fact, but it still stung. We get it that this is not the last time we'll hear that kind of comment, but I hate that people who are supposed to know are not more sensitive. My heart breaks again and again when I think about this, and I would do anything to protect ML from that pain, and also to protect our child from ignorance. I know that none of it is intentional, but it doesn't make it okay. 

- Not necessarily a daddy feeling, but I can't help but say again how much I love and adore this man. I just know that he is going to be the most incredible father, and I can't wait to experience parenthood with him. 

Total weight gain? 

- I only gained 2 more lbs this last month, up 45 to 200. 

ML has been complaining about needing to shed a few lbs, but I keep encouraging him to wait until I'm ready to join him so that we can lose weight together. Besides, I really don't want to outweigh him... 

Symptoms? 

- the list is getting longer! It seems that I feel heavier and tireder by the hour. 
- I had some fairly intense episodes of pain last Sunday. I'd spent the morning cleaning the house then went to help my grandma with her shopping chores. As I was walking thru the grocery store my stomach started feeling sharp cramp like pains. I hunched over the cart and continued on, moving at a snails pace. The pains stopped when I stopped, started again when I started moving again. I decided to cancel the rest of the day's activities and head home to rest. The midwives said that I need to take it easy and the pains were little warnings that I was overdoing it. 

- My ribcage still hurts, only on the right side, a muscular aching that is relieved by movement, laying on my back with ice, by the prescription lidocane patch, by a hot bath, and by massage deep in between the ribs. 

- My SI Joint has started becoming tender and painful. I'll get sharp pains in that section of lower back right where the sacrum connects to my pelvic bones if I lay flat on my back or when I roll over or when I try to stand up from laying. Yoga and the chiropractor seem to be helping, but it is complicating my strategies for dealing with the rib pain since the only position that the rib pain is relieved is when I lay flat on my back. 

- I''ve been going to pre-natal yoga at least once per week. There is a class at my moms parenting program on Wednesdays, another class offered at the yoga studio on Thursdays, and another class run by my chiropractor on Tuesdays. Between the three, I've been able to get one class in every week. It is great.

- The chiropractor has helped a lot with my rib pain, which is isolated to my right side, worse later in the day or when I've been sitting for too long. The prescription Lidocane patches have also been lifesavers. 

- Heartburn is a regular visitor. I haven't had any more 

- Night sweats is a new symptom, but pretty constant this past week. 

- My bladder continues to shrink, and my thirst continues to grow, leading to many visits to the toilet. Every so often the baby will move and jab at my bladder leaving me gasping and hoping that I retain bladder control. I've joked about needing to throw an extra pair of pant in my trunk - just in case!

- My hands and feet feel swollen, but apparently not enough to actually classify as swelling by the dr or midwife.

- The irritability is irritating. 

The Belly? 

- it keeps growing. My sister saw me yesterday after two days of not seeing me and swears that it grew again :)

- I love it. 

- We are going to paint it at the blessingway.

The Boobies?

- They keep growing too. I need to get a new bra that fits. I've resorted to wearing GAP maternity tanks with shelf bras the past few weeks. 

- The stretch marks are growing...

Big News this Week? 

- Instead of telling this baby to stick around, I am supposed to tell it that it is okay to come out. I've been pondering this change in thinking, not sure that I'm totally on board with it just yet. It makes sense to me, and I'm glad that it was brought up this early, because I hadn't realized how powerfully I'd internalized the feelings of keeping the baby safe inside me.  KerriK mentioned some audio meditations that I think will be very helpful. 

- I cut my hours at work back from 40 to 32. It doesn't seem like a huge difference, but if I've got to keep working it is making it so much more bearable. I'm trying hard to get things wrapped up before I go on leave, but my mind just isn't in it. I feel bad for 'checking out' early, but I think I have as decent an excuse as they come! (My boss has been great and very understanding, but the other lady I work closely with seems to be getting a little frustrated about it all.) 

- Bestie and my mama are planning my Blessingway for next weekend. It will be a small gathering of some of my closest women friends at our house. It is important to me that in addition to preparing for the birth, that we acknowledge the journey that led us here, and also find a way to honor ML. I gave them a few ideas about how to achieve all of those goals, but am still thinking about how I might want to incorporate all of these things into a blessingway event. 

- Ohhh, it is my Birthday month! I'll be 34 next Thursday! Its going to be an amazing year. 

love and hugs,

Not Yet

We met with the midwife yesterday. We're far enough now that we'll be seeing her every week until the baby arrives. Pretty crazy when I think about it!

After they listened to me freak out about needing to have a 'just in case' birth plan in place so that we are prepared in the event of a hospital transfer and/or c-section delivery, they said something about not wanting me to work up until the due date.

Essentially they were telling me that I needed to allow plenty of time to prepare my mind and body, time to just focus on being ready to welcome this new life, to give birth to this new life.

The discussion was about when I'd start my maternity leave - which heck, I'd start now if it were paid - but really it was about taking the time to tell this baby that it is okay to come out.

I realized last night as I was talking to Bestie that I've spent so much time begging this baby to stick around, fearing that it might not stay for the long run, convincing my body to hold it safe and tight inside of me. Even now, I feel my stomach and this baby feels really good inside - I'm not ready to let it go, not yet.

the return of the emotional Foxy

Thirty Five weeks. Incredible.

Everyone want to know how I feel and I love answering "I feel Great." I really do.
In some ways, it feels like all of the hope and love that was missing during our journey to get pregnant is being paid back to me in dividends now. There really aren't words to describe the gratitude that fills my heart these days.

Having said all that, my body is feeling it! Its all fine and manageable, and I really don't have any significant complaints, but geez, this extra weight, this rib pain, the sharp jabs to my bladder, the aching in my hips and back... I can understand now why women say they are ready to be done being pregnant.

The thing is, I love this so much. I waited and wanted for this for so long. I don't want this to end, ever.

and yet, I am so excited about what comes next.

*****
ML is working so hard to finnish the remodel of two of our extra bedrooms into a private studio. We've rented out rooms of our home for years, but no longer want to share our space. The two side bedrooms are converting perfectly into a 1 bedroom studio with a private entrance and little efficiency kitchen. We'll still be able to collect rent, but won't have to share our home anymore. Finishing this remodel is at the top of the list to get completed before the baby arrives.

While we are planning on a homebirth, I drafted up a birth plan in the event that we end up with a hospital c-section. After having ML read it last night, I started to panic that he is not prepared to advocate for me if we end up transferring for a hospital birth. I've been asking him to read the Birth Partner book, and he keeps putting it off. I feel like everything will be fine as long as we are at home with our midwife team, but there are so many things that I worry we'll have to fight for if we end up in a hospital, and ML is going to end up being the one who has to fight for them.

I really hate that we can't have an OB and a midwife. I hate that we have to work with whatever OB happens to be on call if we end up at the hospital. I hate that we can't review our 'just in case' plans with our OB in advance. It feels so unfair, and just plain wrong.

My biggest fear about landing in the hospital with a c-section is that I'd be left alone, separated from ML. He didn't know that it is standard practice for the father to be present in the OR for the c-section delivery of the baby. He seemed surprised that I'd want the drape to be lowered in order to see our baby be born, even if from an incision in my stomach. He questioned my request that the baby not be bathed by hospital staff, and instead placed directly on my chest still wet. I hadn't realized how important these things were to me. or that I need them to be just as important to ML.

*****
I've been so emotionally steady and calm during this entire pregnancy. Its been such a nice change, and very much unlike the anxious emotional 'me' that normally appears during periods of life transitions. Maybe it is because I finally landed on the path that I believed would lead me to happiness, or because pregnancy hormones are really good to me, or possibly because I decided to continue taking my Lexapro for the duration of the pregnancy. All I know it that these past 6 months have been emotionally awesome.

But then, as if something changed when I woke up last Friday, I am feeling overwhelmed again. My body aches and pains are intensified. My emotions feel like they are sitting right on edge. I got into a fight with my sister, I didn't get anything that I needed to do done this weekend, and I totally fell apart crying to ML last night. I feel like it all just might come crashing down on me at a moments notice, and yet I hesitate to ask for the things that I really want and need. I hate feeling like I need to rely on everyone else again.
*****
I cut my hours back at work - from 40 to 32 per week. It's made such a huge difference for me. And while I have so much to get done before I go on leave, I just wish I could stay home and rest. I love my job, and am going to miss it while I'm gone, but am having such a hard time focusing on it as we lead up to my maternity leave. I'm off to work for the day, hoping to cross at least a few things off the list, then come home (hoping that ML won't be too tired from the remodel work to dote all sorts of love upon me.)

Thank You Announcements

Dear  Most Awesome Urologist,


Yep, its true, we are finally expecting a little one to join our family sometime before Christmas this year. Its been one heck of a ride to get here, but we are filled with so much gratitude and excitement - and a fair amount of trepidation as well!


We wanted to thank you for the role that you played on our journey. Your kindness and compassion was unmatched by any other medical professional we encountered. And your professional approach to our treatment plan, although it didn't result in the outcome we hoped for, did give us hope to continue on our journey to become parents. 


We will forever be grateful to you and your staff.
Stay tuned for a birth announcement!


With deep appreciation,
Mr and Mrs Foxy.

Who would have guessed that there are so many doctors and clinics and therapists who I need to thank as I send them our "We're Expecting" announcements!?!

HBear Drama

Oh my goodness, we knew it was coming, but it really irks me more than I expected it to.

(For background reading on HBear check out this post and this post and this post.)

HBear is up to no good. We got a call today from her after-school job asking to confirm that she missed work last Friday due to a dr appt. Um, No. We purposely scheduled her Dr appt on Thursday after work even though it was much less convenient for ML and I. Apparently one of the other workers saw her at the corner store with some other kids which led to the suspicion. (This is the second time that she lied in order to skip work, after promising us that it wouldn't happen again. grrr.)

She called us "after work" on Friday to see if she could hang out with friends. We said fine. Then when she came home before curfew at 9pm, she immediately asked if she was in trouble. She asked if I'd received an email (in retrospect presumably from her boss), which I hadn't, and then insisted that we drop the conversation. We tried to push, but didn't have any reason to think that she'd done anything wrong, so we let it go.

Then on Sunday when I pay her for her weekly responsibilities, I asked her to verbally go over each one with me. We only have 4 house rules, Be respectful, Be responsible for yourself, Communicate, and Be honest. I asked her point blank if she had been honest with us this last week, and she said YES.

The other thing that is really bothering me is a brief conversation we noticed on facebook. (Yes, we spy.) It was an exchange last Wednesday between HBear and a boy we didn't recognize. He asked for her address, she responded with our address but said that her cousins (ML an I) are still awake. Then she writes and says that her cousins went to their room, but she needs to wait until they are asleep. he responds a bit later asking if they are still up. and thats it. no further messages. What the hell is that all about?

Last night, I wandered back into the living room for some unknown reason to find the lights on, the front door unlocked AND slightly ajar. After locking up again, I stopped by HBears room to find her laying in bed awake. I asked if she'd opened the front door and she looks up and says, "What, No, What" I asked her again with the same reply. Then I ask if she'd been in the living room, she says "What, No, Oh Yeah, I got a glass of water." I ask again about the front door, telling her that it was unlocked and OPEN, and she says "Um, oh, I, um heard a noise outside." What the hell am I supposed to think is going on? Seriously, I'm ready to lock her in her room at night.

We lost a lot of ground with the week-long school break. She had gotten into a rhythm of school, work, and homework, and had actually earned some freedom. We let her have the week to do as she pleased. Bad call on our part. She didn't actually seem to enjoy herself and got herself into some sort of situation where she and another girl at the part exchanged words. This drama apparently followed her back to school.

She saw her mom for the first time since she moved in with us at my shower. I worried that it might be a huge scene, but they quietly slipped into the back room and talked for a good while. All of their conversations by phone until then had lasted no more than a few minutes ending in someone yelling and hanging up on the other.  Their relationship is toxic. Really horrendous. But HBear loves her mom and wants so desperately for her mom to love her unconditionally. And her mom does love her, I don't doubt that for a moment, however she is so consumed with her own issues that she just can't seem to be there for HBear the way that this child needs her to be there.

Last Monday, first day back to school after the break, HBear called us to say that she was sick. We told her to stick the day out, and she did. Then on Tuesday she texted to say that we needed to come get her or else she was leaving campus. ML and I went to the school to meet with her and the counselor. She begged and threatened, anything so that she didn't have to stay at school. We didn't budge. She told us that she'd rather live in a group home than live here. I calmly told her that I'd help her find a good group home, but that until she moved she had to keep attending school. She threatened to just leave campus, and the counselor explained the truancy laws and enforcement in our County. Three unexcused absences lands you in front of a judge. She backed down and went back to class. Then that evening she told me that she didn't really want to live in a group home. Go figure.

When I take a step back and look at the big picture, she is really doing very well here. She is attending a full day of classes, compared to the 3 hours of classes that she barely attended at all. She is back on track academically to graduate with the class of 2013. She is working 8 hours a week at a job, compared to having to no other structure in her life. She is abiding by our house rules, for the most part, and generally making progress towards her long term goals of graduating from high school, getting her drivers license, and surviving as an independent adult.

Regardless, I am so pissed that she lied to us.  We intended to confront her about it tonight, by giving her a chance to come clean on her own, and then taking the night to consider a suitable punishment. But ML was out late and by the time I'd finished homework with her, she went straight to bed. The reality is that we don't have anything significant (meaning anything that she cares about) to hold over her head.

It has to be her choice to make the right decisions. Our challenge is figuring out how to manipulate her into wanting to make better choices. Its hard though because I can't relate to where she is coming from.  I know why I lied to my parents (on the very few occasions that I did), but I'll stand to this day behind my reasons for making the choices that I did. My mom suggested that I was well behaved because I didn't want to disappoint my parents, which I'm sure was an underlying reason, but never something that I thought about specifically. I'd suggest that there were lots of things that I enjoyed in life, sports, ski trips, extra-curricular activities, borrowing the car, etc that I knew could be taken away from me.

We really are trying to figure out how to focus on HBear's strengths. We are trying hard to give her every chance to be successful. I wish that she could figure out how to play along.

The Big Announcement

It took me a while, but I finally took the big step and made the facebook announcement. It finally feels right. The awesome Alison at The Privileged Infertile created the design for my blog header, and I loved it so much that my dear sweet friend IRL helped turn it into an announcement. The response was almost immediate, with comments and likes and lots of love.

ML and I went through all of the baby shower gifts yesterday. He helped get everything organized and sorted. Rather than writing the thank you cards as we sorted, we just took pictures of each gift with the card. This will help me remember exactly who gave what to the baby. In a perfect world, I'll be able to snap a photo of the babe with each gift at some point over the next year and share that picture with the original gift-giver... ambitious, yes, but worth a try.

We have a whole library of books now set up on the bookshelf in our bedroom. Most people taped a picture of themselves in the front cover (just like we requested in the registry) and I have am hoping that I'll be able to add photos of the others once we get the baby shower pictures. I love the idea of showing our baby pictures of all the people who showered us with love.

I keep waiting for the nesting instinct to kick in. There is a lot of organizing that needs to be done around here, and we are quickly approaching the end of this pregnancy. 7 weeks until our due date, 5 weeks until we hit the window for a full term delivery. I had some sort of a stomach cramp yesterday afternoon that stopped me in my tracks for a few moments. ML suddenly became concerned that we need to get things in order around here. He had me pull the supply list for the home birth and suggested that we get our 'just in case' hospital bag packed today.

I on the other hand am still content to leave all the 'stuff' in the garage. I actually had a hard time taking tags off of clothing so that we can wash it. I am excited about these next few weeks, but still not ready to do any 'nesting'.

It was am incredibly gorgeous day here - one of the nicest we've had all year. ML went on a bike ride and I got invited to go for a walk to the beach with a close friend (the one who made my beautiful announcements), her amazing husband, and my puppy. It was warm enough that we could stand at the waters edge with our feet in the water. My friend is 17 weeks pregnant and rocking the most adorable bump. I am so excited that we will get to raise our babies together.

I placed the order for our thank you cards from Costco tonight and will be busy writing thank you notes the rest of the week. I still can't believe how many people made the trip to celebrate at my shower last weekend. I just don't have the words to describe my gratitude for this amazing life experience.

Showered with Love

Sunday was perfect. My moms house was packed with so many people who I love. I had the most wonderful time and was simply overwhelmed by the love that was bestowed upon me. We just got a preview of some pictures from the shower and I am so excited to share... I can't wait to see the rest!

Like Christmas Morning

I woke up early today. It feels a little like Christmas morning. But better - oh so much better!

Bestie and I went shopping yesterday and found a really cute tank top that I can wear for the shower today. We haven't been shopping sans kids in, lets see, two years since Little One was born. it was so nice to just hang out for a few hours.

I have a hair appointment this morning so that my hair will be styled and beautiful for the pictures today. My stylist is coming in special today just for me, just for the special occasion. :)

I painted my nails last night. It was a bit of a feat to get my toes painted, but I managed to pull it off for what will be the last time before this belly shrinks.

Packages have started arriving at our house addressed to " Baby Foxy". They are all sitting by the door so I can just look at them and know that they will all soon be loved by our very own baby. It feels so surreal and perfect and wonderful.

My sister-in-law is here with my little niece, my aunt flew in from out of state, and so many other friends and family are coming into town to celebrate this special occasion today.

I can't believe how much love there is here right now.

32 weeks and feeling good

Ohh Booo, I wrote a whole update, and then it disappeared... here goes again...

How far along? 32 Weeks

How is Mommy Feeling? 

- Still feeling great. Finally loving this pregnancy.

- I love my growing belly and the way that my body looks being pregnant. It is so much more beautiful than I ever imagined it would be. I need to start thinking about a maternity photo shoot with ML. I don't ever want to forget this.

- I love feeling the baby move around. I sometimes wish that it was more constant movement and that it was stronger, but I've been reassured that all is well. 

- Increasingly confident about my ability to give birth to this baby. I was worried, not about my physical ability to do this, but about the emotional experience of labor and delivery. We took our Birthing from Within childbirth class this past weekend and I am feeling more confident about my own ability to ask for the kind of help that I need. I'll do a review of all the childbirth books that I've been reading at some point.

- Crazy silly excited about my baby shower this weekend. My mom and sisters have been planning for months (maybe even for years :) and I know that every detail will be just perfect. There are so many people coming and, well, I am beyond excited.

How is Daddy Feeling? 

- Scared. of a lot of things. Of how our lives are going to change and of the kind of dad that he will be, that he might not like it all among other things. I'd always thought that he was joking when he said things like this, but recently realized that he is quite serious. 

- He was able to hear the baby's heartbeat today just by putting his ear up to my stomach - crazy cool. 

Total weight gain? 

- up 43 lbs to 198 as of this morning. 

- However I've had more than a few people tell me that it looks like I've only gained weight in my belly. I am inclined to believe them, but also have to wonder if they ever paid any attention to what I looked like before I got pregnant.

Symptoms? 

- I am having some serious pain and discomfort on the right side of my rib cage. It is definitely slowing me down. Making it hard to sit in the car for very long, or to lay on my side, or even to sit in a meeting if I can't move around. Laying on my back with an ice pack seems to be the only way to relieve the pain. I don't want to complain, and know that it is temporary, so am inclined to say that I am fine and it is totally manageable. 

- Heartburn is a regular occurrence, and I carry tums with me at all times. A bit of a bother, but totally manageable. 

- My body aches, but I'd expect that with all this extra weight. 

The Belly? 

- No doubt about the baby bumb I'm rawking. 

- I might be crazy, but I think that it might be on the small side for 32 weeks. I am wondering how much more it will grow between now and when the baby comes. 

The Boobies?

- We've got our first stretch marks on my right breast. There are three little marks. I'm actually kind of proud of them, but at the same time I love my breasts and am realizing that they will never be the same again. 

- We've got liquid! Enough to leave a little wet mark if I squeeze my nipple a little. 

- The pain issues have subsided enough that I am no longer terrified of breastfeeding. I'd always planned to bf, but there was a while that the pain was so bad the thought of anything touching my breasts was out of the question. 

What I miss? 

- I'm feeling pretty good these days, not missing much, and really relaxing into the experience. 

Big News this Week? 

- Baby shower is on Sunday. Did I mention that I am over the moon excited? My mom hired a photographer, so I'll have a ton of pictures to share. I really can't wait to see everyone, open my very own sweet baby gifts, and have my belly touched and loved. 

- HBear finished her first quarter with us. We are awaiting the formal report card, but based on our regular communication with each of her teachers expect it to show all passing grades. This is a HUGE accomplishment for her and I am so proud. 

- I found a lady to fill in for me at work while I am out on maternity leave. She is going to be fantastic and I won't have to worry about anything. Secretly I am thrilled that she is headed to grad school in June, so I also don't have to worry about her 'taking' my job! 

- The midwives suggested that I try drinking a bit of wine to take the edge off of the rib pain. I couldn't be more thrilled to have the excuse to have a little drink. Cheers!

love and hugs,