HBear has a court appearance this Tuesday.
I have a lot of thoughts regarding this that I'm not sure I can share openly out of concern that they might find their way back to her mom. For the record, as I voice my own opinions, I do completely understand that her mom was doing the best she could, making the decisions that she believed were best for her family. I will never be able to fully comprehend the complexities of the life that she and HBear shared, but I do have compassion for the challenges that they faced.
Backing way way back, I was one of the few kids I knew in high school that didn't smoke pot. I worked hard in school and was a pretty good kid. I experimented with alcohol and boys a little, nothing dramatic, but was careful not to get caught for my 'bad kid' activities. I lied to my mom on occasion, only because I knew that she wouldn't agree with what I knew I could handle, and also because the few times I did reveal the truth about those situations she freaked out. (Yes mama, its true, I wasn't perfect!)
ML was a straight A student, without even trying. He got away with a lot as a result of his stellar academics. He smoked, he drank, he snuck out, snuck girls in, broke curfew, all sorts of 'bad kid' stuff. He gave his mom all sorts of heartbreak, but because he was a stellar student, held down a job, and managed his own finances, there was little she could do to force him to behave the way she wanted.
HBear, on the other hand, hasn't managed to figure out how to 'play the game' and get away with it. She has not done well in school, doesn't have enough credits to graduate, and yet is still trying to get away with what I suspect is fairly normal 'bad kid' behavior.
About a year ago, probably out of desperation, her mom started calling the cops to the house for help in dealing with HBear. One time it was because HBear and her mom got into a fight and HBear took off, making her mom even madder which led to the filing of a missing persons report, and ultimately her mom insisting that the cops take HBear in on a 5150 (mental health) hold. Other times it has been because HBear was being disrespectful, verbally abusive to her mom, and out of control on drugs. The cops, after determining that no drugs were involved or in her possession, were asked to lecture HBear about being nice to her mom. I've heard most of this directly from HBear, so it is totally possible that there is more to these stories than what I know. Regardless, I just can't imagine ever calling the cops on my child unless our lives were in imminent danger.
Earlier this summer, HBear tested positive for marijuana on a home drug test that her mom started giving her last year. Having run out of consequences to dole out her mother called the police to their house, showed them the positive home test, and insisted that they issue a citation. HBear was not under the influence at the time the citation was issued, however did admit to the cop that she'd smoked earlier in the week.
This is the part that I have a real problem with. What the heck was her mother thinking? Who did she think was going to have to deal with this? What kind of parent would turn their own child over to the police for something like this? for pot? seriously?
So on Tuesday, ML is taking the day off work to drive HBear back to her home town to go to court to fight this misdemeanor charge. It actually makes me really angry.
The citation was issued for penal code 647(f) disorderly conduct, specifically being under the influence.
California Penal Code Section 647
Every person who commits any of the following acts is guilty
of disorderly conduct, a misdemeanor:
...
(f) Who is found in any public place under the influence of
intoxicating liquor, any drug, controlled substance, toluene, or any
combination of any intoxicating liquor, drug, controlled substance,
or toluene, in a condition that he or she is unable to exercise care
for his or her own safety or the safety of others, or by reason of
his or her being under the influence of intoxicating liquor, any
drug, controlled substance, toluene, or any combination of any
intoxicating liquor, drug, or toluene, interferes with or obstructs
or prevents the free use of any street, sidewalk, or other public
way.
We are going to ask for a public defender, hopefully have a chance to explain the changes that have been made in her living/school/custody situation, and request to have the case transfered to our County. I'd love the advice of anyone who has ever dealt with something like this before.
*****
All things considered, this first week has gone much better than I anticipated. HBear is a really nice young woman. She has responded well to the expectations that we've laid out for her. She's been honest and respectful, helpful, and generally agreeable. There are of course the rules that she has challenged but its all been very appropriate. I'd be worried if she was just agreeing to everything!
She misses her mom and her home and her friends, and talks about how great her old school was compared to her new one. This has been a huge change for her and really, I am so impressed and proud of how well she is adjusting.
ML and I are holding firm to the expectations and rules that we outlined. The hardest thing so far has been figuring out how much freedom to give her with new friends. We want her to have the social outlet, but don't want to set her up for trouble. The poor girl has been holed up at home with us and needs to get out, but we just haven't built up enough trust to give her free reign. She had two new friends over on Friday night and we almost had a panic attack letting them leave the house to walk to the beach. Then last night when she wanted to go out for a few hours to one of the girls homes, I insisted on dropping her off and made her promise to text me if they went anywhere other than the home where I left her. She was home before curfew and texted to tell me when they went to BK for shakes. I was so happy that she followed thru on our agreements!
As with so many things in life, one step at a time, one day at a time, one week at a time. Thank you all for all of the support this past week!
