my missing voice

I've been silent as of late. Got a lot going on in my head, but seem to have lost my voice in this transition to pregnancy. Everything about this experience has been so different than I expected. It is hard to explain, and i am still searching for the right words. I think a lot about our decision to use donor  sperm, and wonder if it was the right one. I wonder why we never considered using donor embryos, wonder if I might feel differently about things.

We've started getting gifts of baby clothes and things, which is really sweet, but hard to accept. and hard to know what to do with when we bring them home. The garage is full of hand me downs from my wonderful sister in law. ML is missing his garage space and suggested bringing the big items inside to their permanent home, but I couldn't respond. It just feels too early. Do you think we can wait until after the baby is here to set things up?

Talking to Bestie the other day about some of the garage stuff, it occurred to both of us that my experience of this pregnancy is oh so different from hers. She asked if I was talking to the baby yet... what? um, no, i can't say that the thought has occurred to me. She asked if I was feeling more secure now that i'm into my second trimester... what? maybe, a little, but um no, the caution is still here with full force. She asked when I thought it would be okay to move the baby stuff inside... and I don't have an answer. It was actually a very sad conversation.

Melissa G at Banking on It had a great post that nearly made me cry because so much of what she said resonated with me. 

None of this is to say that I am not enjoying this experience, because I am. But in a way that is just so different from what I expected. I am feeling pretty good these days. Building my new wardrobe of cute maternity clothing. Thinking about starting my christmas shopping now so that we are ready before the little one arrives. Strutting my little bump into pilates this past Saturday. Its awesome, really. The gratitude that I feel is simply overwhelming.

I am taking it all one day at a time. Accept that how is feel is how I feel.

Bloganthropy and Mel

Mel recently posted that she has been selected as a finalist for the 2011 Bloganthropy Award, recognizing women bloggers who use social media to support a good cause.  There is no voting, the winner will be decided by a panel of Bloganthropy folks announced this coming week. 


I just love idea to honor bloggers who are using social media to make our world a better place!


It also feels like a fitting time to share a tiny bit about the significance of Melissa Ford's blog Stirrup Queens has had in my life. After suffering silently through the most painful devastating two years of my life I discovered the online ALI (Adoption, Loss, Infertility) community. Mel's insanely organized blogroll directed me to a list of blogs that were written by others who had our same rare diagnosis. Reading the stories of others who were going through the same challenges that we were facing was beyond incredible. I suddenly felt like i wasn't alone on this journey anymore. I discovered that there were words to communicate the mess of crazy thoughts that had taken over my head. I found my own voice. Most surprisingly I've made some incredible friends. 


Mel's projects - International Comment Leaving Week (ICLW), Lost and Found (LFCA), the Weekly Round-Up, etc - invite the participation of everyone in the ALI community. She has created a safe space for connection and growth, for love and support, for grief and celebration. 


I am so amazed that one women, a woman who doesn't even know me, could give me so much. I will be forever grateful to The Stirrup Queen for helping me find my own strength to navigate our personal and private journey of infertility. 

Body Image

A dear sweet friend graduated from high school last week. I am so proud of her, and know that she is going to do great things beyond high school. Her family and mine have been close family friends for decades. I have two sisters, as does she, and we've all basically grown up together. She and her sisters used to come over to our house to watch my sisters and I get ready for school dances, and now, my sisters and I cheer her and her sisters on as they navigate adolescence and early adulthood.

It was a really beautiful event, and we took a ton of pictures, as we always do, lined up by age with my sisters and I in the back with the  younger sisters in the front. We have that same lineup at various events ranging back to the days when my sisters and I were holding the little girls as babies.

My littlest sister just posted a batch of photos on her Facebook page.

Oh Jeez.

I look awful. My face is all round. My sweater, the new sweater I was so excited about ordering, looks gigantic, with my breasts and tummy bulging. There is one picture that I just want to delete. Its just terrible. and there is a comment under it from a friend of my mom's. It just says "Foxy....?"

Why would I be so upset that I might be looking pregnant? I mean, I am. right?

Why would I be so offended by a comment like that? I immediately went to that place of, how dare she assume anything, she doesn't know what we've been thru, what if I wasn't pregnant, this is none of her business. So defensive. Yet I know that this lady is super sweet and kind and would never cause harm intentionally.

Maybe I've gotten so used to carrying around the invisible cloak of infertility, that it is hard to adjust to having my body reveal this sign of fertility.

I guess that my reaction to this picture goes beyond a body image issue, and touches also on my perception of self, and the way that other people 'know' me.

Until now, I've had the ability to reveal our pregnancy on my terms, telling people in the way that felt right to me, and most often including a statement about the journey that we took to get here. Just about everyone who I've shared our news with also knows how long and painful our path was. I guess it was inevitable that I would lose that kind of control over our message.

I do love my body. I love my growing breasts, and checking out my bulging belly from every different angle. I'm just surprised, I guess, at how 'our' news is going to quickly become not so private. I'm also surprised at how challenging it is going to be that cute pregnant lady that I always dreamt of being.

the list

Waiting in the mail for me today when I got home was an envelope from my new OB. Inside was a printout with a list of all my OB appointments between now and December 15. I sat at the counter just staring at this printout.

It has my name on it.

These are my appointments.

It just feels so... still feels so surreal.

Today, while driving to a meeting, I couldn't help but think about how lucky we are. We have each other, we have jobs, we have our home, we are healthy, we have wonderful friends and family. How did we possibly deserve more luck to get pregnant? I'm not saying that we don't deserve it, just that suddenly feels so freaking unfair. Why us? Why not all us us?

People keep asking me how I'm feeling, alluding to the concept that I must be so excited and in love with this baby. But I don't feel that. All I can think is that every day that passes brings us one day closer to December. I have this feeling that I can't trust this, that this won't feel real until December, until we are finally holding this child in our arms.

I went to the bargain fair with my mom last weekend. It is like a massive community garage sale that is held every 4 months. My sweet mama is so excited. She had so much fun shopping for adorable little baby clothing. I found some gender neutral sleepers, but as I bought them, for $1 each, I felt a little like an impostor. Like I was simply engaging in a business transaction, without the emotional investment that I would soon enough be dressing MY long awaited baby in these clothes.

Later on my mom and I went to Macy's and found ourselves in the baby section. My sweet mom wanted to buy all of the perfect little outfits. Yet I could't let her. Maybe after December, it will be alright, but not now.

In more positive news, I am having a ton of fun shopping for myself! I just got my first delivery of maternity tops, all of which I absolutely love. Old Navy and Gap delivered me 6 awesome tops for less than $100 - can't beat that. My blouses are starting to bust at the bust, and aren't long enough to cover my maternity pants elastic band. It was a necessary purchase. And I guess that if I can keep loving my body, that some of that love will seep into the little life that is growing inside.

Week 13

A few weeks ago I signed up for a top pregnancy blogs contest on the Circle of Moms website. I must admit that I shamelessly voted for myself everyday, which is probably the only reason I got selected, but somehow I ended up in the top 25 on the list. They've asked me a few questions and will be featuring the blog on their site later this month. The one question that has me stumped is "What are 3 adjectives that describe your blog?" I don't know what to say... any ideas?

How far along? 13 Weeks

How is Mommy Feeling? 

- like I have a lot to say, and nothing to say, all at the same time. 

- the food aversions/nausea has started to subside. Maybe in part because I've learned to manage it all better with more regular eating, and a ginger beer every afternoon, but also I am guessing that the hormones are off a little.

- extra emotionally needy. I wish that ML could anticipate my needs more.

- thrilled that the sex restriction was lifted at our OB appt, but strangely not in the mood.

- still very overwhelmed by work, and falling farther behind everyday. I'm worried about next year and how my maternity leave will work and how I can put some plans into place so that I don't leave my boss hanging while I'm gone, and if I don't come back full time. 

- frustrated by the insurance game. I got some preliminary information about what our insurance will cover and felt like I was pulling teeth to get the whole story. I must have been crazy to think that our $3,000 out of pocket maximum meant that we'd only be paying $3,000 for our maternity care and birth. whatever. 

- still very much feeling that so many things i thought mattered, like where i deliver, and the type of birth i have, and whether i can stay home really don't matter. so long as we can bring this baby home with us, everything else is just a detail.

How is Daddy Feeling? 

- Lots of thoughts, but none to share with the world this week.

Total weight gain? 

- holding steady at 168.6. Pre-IVF I've been at 155 for years, but then jumped to 160 during the IVF cycle, and then up to 168 pretty quickly after getting our positive. It hasn't changed since.  

Symptoms? 

- the food aversions/nausea/hunger are still a daily issue to deal with, but seem to slowly becoming less and less.

- my boobies have grown so much, I could stare at them in the mirror for hours. 

- I am drinking more water, and thus making many more trips to the restroom. 

- insomnia is a recent addition to the list. I get up to pee in the night, and can't go back to sleep again. So I lay in bed for a while, then turn the tv on, and eventually fall asleep again. 

The Belly? 

- My sister noticed a little bump the other day. She said it looked like I'd eaten a really big lunch.

The Boobies?

- the new bra's are fabulous. I never thought it was possible to love a bra as much as I love these bra's. 
- The sleeping bra was especially awesome, but I've been able to go without it a few nights this past week.
- I'd ordered some special breast warmers from Australia a few weeks back and they finally arrived yesterday. They are a thin fabric that reflects your own body heat to keep your breasts warm. I'm trying them out today and hoping that they do the trick.
- I asked my OB about the Boob Attacks, and she said it was not a common complaint and that I would need to talk with a Lactation Consultant. Then before I left, she consulted with her midwife who has another patient with nipple vasospasms and knew the perfect LC to refer me to. Yeahhh!
- I talked to the Lactation Consultant who knew exactly what I was experiencing, confirmed that it was nipple/breast vasospasms, aka Reynauds, and suggested that in addition to keeping warm I should also start taking some vitamin B6. She also said that there is medication that can be prescribed after the baby is born if the pain is a problem for breastfeeding. Good to know that we have solutions waiting for us.

What I miss? 

- not missing much this week. 

Big News this Week? 

- We chose our Doula! She will help us get prepared for the birth, attend to us during labor and delivery, and help make sure that we are all set afterwards. It is another out of pocket expense, but I feel so good knowing that we will have someone to help us have this be the best experience possible. 
- We had our first OB appt! It went really well and the Dr. took lots of time to answer all of my questions. I'll have to write more about it soon. Our next appt isn't until June 24th, which feels a long ways off... But everyday is another day closer to our dreams coming true. 

More Cuteness

So yeah, I can be pretty distractible. It turns out that I got mixed up with the shopping sites. My sister had originally share the Zulily site with me, but then The Queen aka Bumpy over at My Bumpy Journey invited me to join an even cuter site called Totsy. Julie also recommends Totsy as being even cuter and cheaper than the other shopping sites.

I've never been a big shopper, but I've been having way too much fun 'window' shopping online. I have a little bookmark folder full of adorable things that I want to get for Bestie's Little One, my niece and nephew, my sisters, my bloggy friends, my mama, and a few things that I want for myself too. These shopping sites are fun and cute, but I'm not so good at the impulse purchase and most of the sales have an expiration date on them. There must be similar shopping sites for vacations, right?  I'd love to 'window shop' for cheap last minute vacations. 

Cuteness

The Queen aka Bumpy over at My Bumpy Journey sent me an invitation to join a shopping site called Zulily. Oh my gosh it has the most adorable things at totally discounted prices. I just splurged $20 for a super cute Japanese Weekend maternity shirt that I know I am going to love wearing later this fall.

There are books and toys, clothes and shoes for you, and lots of cute little things for the little ones - all at prices that are downright affordable.

I shared it with my sister, who is a member of lots of different shopping sites, but claims now that this is her favorite. Check it out... Zulily

****
My heart is heavy for our beautiful Augusta. Please send her some loving thoughts.

Irritated

There are some things that I am really irritated by these days. Sorry for all the negativity, it really isn't like me. But letting it all out on my poor husband is not working so well, so instead I am going to download it here. Please don't take anything I am saying here personally. and please be warned that some of these thing are complaints about being pregnant (which i know can be hard to read sometimes.) For what its worth, I did have a good talk with my dr who gave me permission to blame everything on being pregnant. here goes...

1) captcha. I hate it. Is it really necessary? I understand not wanting to get computer-bot comments, but seriously, for the sake of people who actually read and leave comments, could be all just agree to disable captcha and delete any computer-bot comments?

2) blogger profiles that don't enable a reply-to email address. I have all comments sent to me via email, and sometimes I can hit reply and send an email directly back to the person who left the comment, but sometimes there is no reply email address to respond to.  How come I can reply directly to some comments, and not to others? Is it a bloggers setting?

3) food. this challenged relationship with food is getting old. psyching myself out to eat, forcing myself to swallow, is a lot  of work. i also have his expectation that everyone should be helping me with this by continually offering me appropriate snacks and meals so that all i have to think about is simply eating what is in front of me. its not rational, but its how i feel.

4) people at work. i want to hire some 3rd graders who were trained in conflict mediation to come moderate our meetings. i am embarrassed (and beyond frustrated) that adults in positions of great responsibility can behave so poorly. how do people rise to positions of such importance while lacking such basic communication skills?

5) my clothes. they just aren't fitting. my waist is thick so my pants are packed up. i have 5 awesome pairs of maternity pants that are still too big, but much better than too small. my boobs have grown two cup sizes so my shirts are busting at the seems and/or too short to cover up the maternity band on the pants. getting dressed has never been my favorite part of the day, but now, it really sucks.

6) my dear sweet puppy. i just feel like my patience for her antics is so thin. i come home from work and she is so so so excited, she gets her ball, runs around me, stops for a pet, but all i want to do is get my stuff set down and go to the bathroom, and get a drink of water and sit down. it feels like she is just in my way.

7) a stupid ticket i got earlier this year. we paid our registration, but they never sent us the sticker. months passed before we realized, but we did and made an appt at the dmv to go get it straightened out. a week before my dmv appt i get pulled over for not having the registration sticker on my license. i explain it all to the cop, who insists on giving me a fix-it ticket. jerk. So i take the afternoon off to go to the dmv, then to the police station to get the ticket signed off, then to the court house to pay the ticket but they don't have it in their records. So i go back to the pd, where they assure me that they sent it to the court. the pd calls the court, and ta da they find the ticket. long story short we are now getting these notices that i never cleared the ticket. they are demanding $1500 unless i prove that we cleared the ticket, but i have no idea where the original ticket even is. i just want ml to take care of it and make it all go away.

8) insurance. where to begin. i've been looking over our maternity benefits and called to make sure i was understanding correctly. this really deserves its own post, but as I should have guessed, our $3,000 out of pocket maximum is anything but that. Really it is the $500 deductible plus the $20 office co-pays plus the $3,000 oop plus any out of network charges. Oh and yes, the baby starts its own deductible and out of pocket max once its born. Oh and yes, just because we have an in-network obgyn and will be delivering at an in-network hospital, we can't assume that the people who work at that hospital (like an anesthesiologist or surgeon) will be in-network, and thus any of their charges will be in addition to our out of pocket maximum. Could anyone explain why we even bother having insurance? This really gets my goat, for oh so many reasons.

It does feel better to take these things, write them down, and let them go.

Leftovers

Is it called Friday leftovers? all of the random thoughts that I want to get out, but that might not all be connected. here goes.


- I totally failed ICLW. Its possible that I'll get caught up over the weekend, but as of right now, I totally failed.
- Work has been really stressing me out. I just can't seem to get ahead of the work curve, and feel like I am falling farther and farther behind. It is a kind of stressful job, but I love it. I just wish I could hit time out every now and then. 
- My puppy is shedding and there is fur everywhere.
- ML just got some work that will keep him employed for a few weeks. I've been stressed out about him not having any work, so this is good. very very good.
- My boobs hurt. a lot.
- My shirts are all too short, probably because my boobs have grown so much. I need new shirts, and have had an order with old navy up in my browser all week, but am worried about money and not hitting the 'checkout' button as a result.
- We got released from the sex prohibition and I couldn't be happier :) Ml is quite happy as well :)
- I resigned from one community Board that I've been on for 5 years, and was elected president of another community Board that I started 10 years ago. 
- My mom and I are going to the spa on Sunday, and I am so excited. I need to call and make my treatment appointment, but can't decide what I want.
- I can't stop thinking about the Greys Anatomy scene a few episodes back where meridith and derek were in the elevator and meridith started crying because she was jealous of Cali at her baby shower. 
- We had our first ob appointment on Wednesday, which was awesome, and deserves its own post.
- I also saw my regular doctor on Thursday to check in after i quit taking my lexapro at 8 weeks. 
- We usually celebrate christmas at my sister in laws house, but instead invited her and her family and my mother-in-law to come celebrate christmas with us. But now I'm wondering if we might be crazy. If the baby comes on time, we'll have a 2 week old at christmas. And a house full of people. We like them, and they'll help, but still. I don't want to set myself up for failure.
- We met with the Doula, and I want to write all about it. 
- A friend of ours, the first ones we talked openly about our infertility struggles with, are in their 2ww following a second IVF cycle. I really really want this for them. 
- My delinquent cousin has pushed my aunt over the edge... We are going to tour a boot camp that they want to send her to. I think its her only real chance at graduating high school and not ending up incarcerated. Again, I might be nuts, but I reiterated that our offer to have her come live here with us as another option if she refuses to go to the camp. 
- Apparently I've got a lot of thoughts floating around in my head at the moment. I think I'm going to dedicate some time to writing this weekend. 



Update: oh my god, I just read that my dear friend Augusta has lost her baby. I am simply heartbroken, devastated. She went thru so much to conceive her baby with more love and intention than I ever imagined possible. She has been the most incredible source of support for me, and it felt so perfect that we were getting to continue our journey together. I am shaken to the core. Her first OB appointment was on Wednesday, the same as me. She asked the Dr the same question as I "is the baby still there?" only she got the worst answer possible, whereas I got to breathe a huge sign of relief. How is this fair? How can this be? I just don't have any words, I am devastated. and I feel so helpless to help her thru this.

Dear Normal Pregnancy Doctor

Dear Normal Pregnancy Doctor,

We want to thank you for taking the time to read this letter, and ask that you share it with your staff and add it to our file.

ML and I have been together for 11 years, married for 7. After trying to start our family for nearly two years, we received a devastating diagnosis of infertility. We spent the next year and a half meeting with so many different doctors, undergoing invasive testing procedures, trying experimental therapies, and ultimately grieving the loss of a biological child. 

This past March, thanks to the miracles of modern medicine, we finally succeeded with IVF. We are excited, yet still feeling very cautious about this pregnancy. After getting bad news for so long, I guess it takes some time for good news to sink in and feel real. 

We are so happy to be graduating from the RE to your practice. In most respects we are normal first-time expectant parents, yet having invested so much into achieving this pregnancy we may at times benefit from some extra hand-holding and compassion. 

Specifically there are a few things we’d like to request of you and your team:

• We’ve been through a lot, and appreciate your patience, kindness, and smiles more than words can convey. 
• Foxy prefers not to be left alone in exam rooms. ML will attend most appointments and would like to join Foxy for any tests or exams.
• We prefer not to learn the gender of our child until the birth. 
• Before the end of our visit, or conversation, please ask us if we have any final questions. 
• We live and work in the next county over, so appointments are most convenient for us in the late afternoon. 

Thank you for taking good care of us.

Sincerely,

Foxy and ML