the list

Waiting in the mail for me today when I got home was an envelope from my new OB. Inside was a printout with a list of all my OB appointments between now and December 15. I sat at the counter just staring at this printout.

It has my name on it.

These are my appointments.

It just feels so... still feels so surreal.

Today, while driving to a meeting, I couldn't help but think about how lucky we are. We have each other, we have jobs, we have our home, we are healthy, we have wonderful friends and family. How did we possibly deserve more luck to get pregnant? I'm not saying that we don't deserve it, just that suddenly feels so freaking unfair. Why us? Why not all us us?

People keep asking me how I'm feeling, alluding to the concept that I must be so excited and in love with this baby. But I don't feel that. All I can think is that every day that passes brings us one day closer to December. I have this feeling that I can't trust this, that this won't feel real until December, until we are finally holding this child in our arms.

I went to the bargain fair with my mom last weekend. It is like a massive community garage sale that is held every 4 months. My sweet mama is so excited. She had so much fun shopping for adorable little baby clothing. I found some gender neutral sleepers, but as I bought them, for $1 each, I felt a little like an impostor. Like I was simply engaging in a business transaction, without the emotional investment that I would soon enough be dressing MY long awaited baby in these clothes.

Later on my mom and I went to Macy's and found ourselves in the baby section. My sweet mom wanted to buy all of the perfect little outfits. Yet I could't let her. Maybe after December, it will be alright, but not now.

In more positive news, I am having a ton of fun shopping for myself! I just got my first delivery of maternity tops, all of which I absolutely love. Old Navy and Gap delivered me 6 awesome tops for less than $100 - can't beat that. My blouses are starting to bust at the bust, and aren't long enough to cover my maternity pants elastic band. It was a necessary purchase. And I guess that if I can keep loving my body, that some of that love will seep into the little life that is growing inside.

Week 13

A few weeks ago I signed up for a top pregnancy blogs contest on the Circle of Moms website. I must admit that I shamelessly voted for myself everyday, which is probably the only reason I got selected, but somehow I ended up in the top 25 on the list. They've asked me a few questions and will be featuring the blog on their site later this month. The one question that has me stumped is "What are 3 adjectives that describe your blog?" I don't know what to say... any ideas?

How far along? 13 Weeks

How is Mommy Feeling? 

- like I have a lot to say, and nothing to say, all at the same time. 

- the food aversions/nausea has started to subside. Maybe in part because I've learned to manage it all better with more regular eating, and a ginger beer every afternoon, but also I am guessing that the hormones are off a little.

- extra emotionally needy. I wish that ML could anticipate my needs more.

- thrilled that the sex restriction was lifted at our OB appt, but strangely not in the mood.

- still very overwhelmed by work, and falling farther behind everyday. I'm worried about next year and how my maternity leave will work and how I can put some plans into place so that I don't leave my boss hanging while I'm gone, and if I don't come back full time. 

- frustrated by the insurance game. I got some preliminary information about what our insurance will cover and felt like I was pulling teeth to get the whole story. I must have been crazy to think that our $3,000 out of pocket maximum meant that we'd only be paying $3,000 for our maternity care and birth. whatever. 

- still very much feeling that so many things i thought mattered, like where i deliver, and the type of birth i have, and whether i can stay home really don't matter. so long as we can bring this baby home with us, everything else is just a detail.

How is Daddy Feeling? 

- Lots of thoughts, but none to share with the world this week.

Total weight gain? 

- holding steady at 168.6. Pre-IVF I've been at 155 for years, but then jumped to 160 during the IVF cycle, and then up to 168 pretty quickly after getting our positive. It hasn't changed since.  

Symptoms? 

- the food aversions/nausea/hunger are still a daily issue to deal with, but seem to slowly becoming less and less.

- my boobies have grown so much, I could stare at them in the mirror for hours. 

- I am drinking more water, and thus making many more trips to the restroom. 

- insomnia is a recent addition to the list. I get up to pee in the night, and can't go back to sleep again. So I lay in bed for a while, then turn the tv on, and eventually fall asleep again. 

The Belly? 

- My sister noticed a little bump the other day. She said it looked like I'd eaten a really big lunch.

The Boobies?

- the new bra's are fabulous. I never thought it was possible to love a bra as much as I love these bra's. 
- The sleeping bra was especially awesome, but I've been able to go without it a few nights this past week.
- I'd ordered some special breast warmers from Australia a few weeks back and they finally arrived yesterday. They are a thin fabric that reflects your own body heat to keep your breasts warm. I'm trying them out today and hoping that they do the trick.
- I asked my OB about the Boob Attacks, and she said it was not a common complaint and that I would need to talk with a Lactation Consultant. Then before I left, she consulted with her midwife who has another patient with nipple vasospasms and knew the perfect LC to refer me to. Yeahhh!
- I talked to the Lactation Consultant who knew exactly what I was experiencing, confirmed that it was nipple/breast vasospasms, aka Reynauds, and suggested that in addition to keeping warm I should also start taking some vitamin B6. She also said that there is medication that can be prescribed after the baby is born if the pain is a problem for breastfeeding. Good to know that we have solutions waiting for us.

What I miss? 

- not missing much this week. 

Big News this Week? 

- We chose our Doula! She will help us get prepared for the birth, attend to us during labor and delivery, and help make sure that we are all set afterwards. It is another out of pocket expense, but I feel so good knowing that we will have someone to help us have this be the best experience possible. 
- We had our first OB appt! It went really well and the Dr. took lots of time to answer all of my questions. I'll have to write more about it soon. Our next appt isn't until June 24th, which feels a long ways off... But everyday is another day closer to our dreams coming true. 

More Cuteness

So yeah, I can be pretty distractible. It turns out that I got mixed up with the shopping sites. My sister had originally share the Zulily site with me, but then The Queen aka Bumpy over at My Bumpy Journey invited me to join an even cuter site called Totsy. Julie also recommends Totsy as being even cuter and cheaper than the other shopping sites.

I've never been a big shopper, but I've been having way too much fun 'window' shopping online. I have a little bookmark folder full of adorable things that I want to get for Bestie's Little One, my niece and nephew, my sisters, my bloggy friends, my mama, and a few things that I want for myself too. These shopping sites are fun and cute, but I'm not so good at the impulse purchase and most of the sales have an expiration date on them. There must be similar shopping sites for vacations, right?  I'd love to 'window shop' for cheap last minute vacations. 

Cuteness

The Queen aka Bumpy over at My Bumpy Journey sent me an invitation to join a shopping site called Zulily. Oh my gosh it has the most adorable things at totally discounted prices. I just splurged $20 for a super cute Japanese Weekend maternity shirt that I know I am going to love wearing later this fall.

There are books and toys, clothes and shoes for you, and lots of cute little things for the little ones - all at prices that are downright affordable.

I shared it with my sister, who is a member of lots of different shopping sites, but claims now that this is her favorite. Check it out... Zulily

****
My heart is heavy for our beautiful Augusta. Please send her some loving thoughts.

Irritated

There are some things that I am really irritated by these days. Sorry for all the negativity, it really isn't like me. But letting it all out on my poor husband is not working so well, so instead I am going to download it here. Please don't take anything I am saying here personally. and please be warned that some of these thing are complaints about being pregnant (which i know can be hard to read sometimes.) For what its worth, I did have a good talk with my dr who gave me permission to blame everything on being pregnant. here goes...

1) captcha. I hate it. Is it really necessary? I understand not wanting to get computer-bot comments, but seriously, for the sake of people who actually read and leave comments, could be all just agree to disable captcha and delete any computer-bot comments?

2) blogger profiles that don't enable a reply-to email address. I have all comments sent to me via email, and sometimes I can hit reply and send an email directly back to the person who left the comment, but sometimes there is no reply email address to respond to.  How come I can reply directly to some comments, and not to others? Is it a bloggers setting?

3) food. this challenged relationship with food is getting old. psyching myself out to eat, forcing myself to swallow, is a lot  of work. i also have his expectation that everyone should be helping me with this by continually offering me appropriate snacks and meals so that all i have to think about is simply eating what is in front of me. its not rational, but its how i feel.

4) people at work. i want to hire some 3rd graders who were trained in conflict mediation to come moderate our meetings. i am embarrassed (and beyond frustrated) that adults in positions of great responsibility can behave so poorly. how do people rise to positions of such importance while lacking such basic communication skills?

5) my clothes. they just aren't fitting. my waist is thick so my pants are packed up. i have 5 awesome pairs of maternity pants that are still too big, but much better than too small. my boobs have grown two cup sizes so my shirts are busting at the seems and/or too short to cover up the maternity band on the pants. getting dressed has never been my favorite part of the day, but now, it really sucks.

6) my dear sweet puppy. i just feel like my patience for her antics is so thin. i come home from work and she is so so so excited, she gets her ball, runs around me, stops for a pet, but all i want to do is get my stuff set down and go to the bathroom, and get a drink of water and sit down. it feels like she is just in my way.

7) a stupid ticket i got earlier this year. we paid our registration, but they never sent us the sticker. months passed before we realized, but we did and made an appt at the dmv to go get it straightened out. a week before my dmv appt i get pulled over for not having the registration sticker on my license. i explain it all to the cop, who insists on giving me a fix-it ticket. jerk. So i take the afternoon off to go to the dmv, then to the police station to get the ticket signed off, then to the court house to pay the ticket but they don't have it in their records. So i go back to the pd, where they assure me that they sent it to the court. the pd calls the court, and ta da they find the ticket. long story short we are now getting these notices that i never cleared the ticket. they are demanding $1500 unless i prove that we cleared the ticket, but i have no idea where the original ticket even is. i just want ml to take care of it and make it all go away.

8) insurance. where to begin. i've been looking over our maternity benefits and called to make sure i was understanding correctly. this really deserves its own post, but as I should have guessed, our $3,000 out of pocket maximum is anything but that. Really it is the $500 deductible plus the $20 office co-pays plus the $3,000 oop plus any out of network charges. Oh and yes, the baby starts its own deductible and out of pocket max once its born. Oh and yes, just because we have an in-network obgyn and will be delivering at an in-network hospital, we can't assume that the people who work at that hospital (like an anesthesiologist or surgeon) will be in-network, and thus any of their charges will be in addition to our out of pocket maximum. Could anyone explain why we even bother having insurance? This really gets my goat, for oh so many reasons.

It does feel better to take these things, write them down, and let them go.

Leftovers

Is it called Friday leftovers? all of the random thoughts that I want to get out, but that might not all be connected. here goes.


- I totally failed ICLW. Its possible that I'll get caught up over the weekend, but as of right now, I totally failed.
- Work has been really stressing me out. I just can't seem to get ahead of the work curve, and feel like I am falling farther and farther behind. It is a kind of stressful job, but I love it. I just wish I could hit time out every now and then. 
- My puppy is shedding and there is fur everywhere.
- ML just got some work that will keep him employed for a few weeks. I've been stressed out about him not having any work, so this is good. very very good.
- My boobs hurt. a lot.
- My shirts are all too short, probably because my boobs have grown so much. I need new shirts, and have had an order with old navy up in my browser all week, but am worried about money and not hitting the 'checkout' button as a result.
- We got released from the sex prohibition and I couldn't be happier :) Ml is quite happy as well :)
- I resigned from one community Board that I've been on for 5 years, and was elected president of another community Board that I started 10 years ago. 
- My mom and I are going to the spa on Sunday, and I am so excited. I need to call and make my treatment appointment, but can't decide what I want.
- I can't stop thinking about the Greys Anatomy scene a few episodes back where meridith and derek were in the elevator and meridith started crying because she was jealous of Cali at her baby shower. 
- We had our first ob appointment on Wednesday, which was awesome, and deserves its own post.
- I also saw my regular doctor on Thursday to check in after i quit taking my lexapro at 8 weeks. 
- We usually celebrate christmas at my sister in laws house, but instead invited her and her family and my mother-in-law to come celebrate christmas with us. But now I'm wondering if we might be crazy. If the baby comes on time, we'll have a 2 week old at christmas. And a house full of people. We like them, and they'll help, but still. I don't want to set myself up for failure.
- We met with the Doula, and I want to write all about it. 
- A friend of ours, the first ones we talked openly about our infertility struggles with, are in their 2ww following a second IVF cycle. I really really want this for them. 
- My delinquent cousin has pushed my aunt over the edge... We are going to tour a boot camp that they want to send her to. I think its her only real chance at graduating high school and not ending up incarcerated. Again, I might be nuts, but I reiterated that our offer to have her come live here with us as another option if she refuses to go to the camp. 
- Apparently I've got a lot of thoughts floating around in my head at the moment. I think I'm going to dedicate some time to writing this weekend. 



Update: oh my god, I just read that my dear friend Augusta has lost her baby. I am simply heartbroken, devastated. She went thru so much to conceive her baby with more love and intention than I ever imagined possible. She has been the most incredible source of support for me, and it felt so perfect that we were getting to continue our journey together. I am shaken to the core. Her first OB appointment was on Wednesday, the same as me. She asked the Dr the same question as I "is the baby still there?" only she got the worst answer possible, whereas I got to breathe a huge sign of relief. How is this fair? How can this be? I just don't have any words, I am devastated. and I feel so helpless to help her thru this.

Dear Normal Pregnancy Doctor

Dear Normal Pregnancy Doctor,

We want to thank you for taking the time to read this letter, and ask that you share it with your staff and add it to our file.

ML and I have been together for 11 years, married for 7. After trying to start our family for nearly two years, we received a devastating diagnosis of infertility. We spent the next year and a half meeting with so many different doctors, undergoing invasive testing procedures, trying experimental therapies, and ultimately grieving the loss of a biological child. 

This past March, thanks to the miracles of modern medicine, we finally succeeded with IVF. We are excited, yet still feeling very cautious about this pregnancy. After getting bad news for so long, I guess it takes some time for good news to sink in and feel real. 

We are so happy to be graduating from the RE to your practice. In most respects we are normal first-time expectant parents, yet having invested so much into achieving this pregnancy we may at times benefit from some extra hand-holding and compassion. 

Specifically there are a few things we’d like to request of you and your team:

• We’ve been through a lot, and appreciate your patience, kindness, and smiles more than words can convey. 
• Foxy prefers not to be left alone in exam rooms. ML will attend most appointments and would like to join Foxy for any tests or exams.
• We prefer not to learn the gender of our child until the birth. 
• Before the end of our visit, or conversation, please ask us if we have any final questions. 
• We live and work in the next county over, so appointments are most convenient for us in the late afternoon. 

Thank you for taking good care of us.

Sincerely,

Foxy and ML

11 weeks

We went out of town for a long weekend with good friends. It was wonderful, but left us without reliable internet or phone service for a few days. It was good to be away, but its good to be back :)

How far along? 11 Weeks

How is Mommy Feeling? 

- pretty good. 

- really looking forward to our first OB appointment on Wednesday. beyond excited that the OB will (hopefully) lift the restriction on sex, and light exercise. 

- a bit irritable, like my patience is running thin, with people at work, with ML, etc. I am unreasonably irritated with the Family Building Act and the fact that we have so much medication leftover from our IVF cycle.

- that so many things i thought mattered, like where i deliver, and the type of birth i have, and whether i can stay home really don't matter. so long as we can bring this baby home with us, everything else is just a detail.

- wishing that i could take a rest every afternoon, and trying my best to bring work projects home so i can set up on the couch between 2-5pm.

How is Daddy Feeling? 

- less terrified that something bad might happen, but just as terrified that this might really be happening.

- excited that the baby is the size of a fig this week, because he really likes figs. However keep joking that his wife won't think the fruit comparison is as much fun when the baby is the size of a cantaloupe!

Total weight gain? 

- not sure. haven't weighed in.

- resigned that I'm eating the best I can to control the nausea, and will start exercising again soon. 

Symptoms? 

- My boobies still qualify as my number one symptom. The new bras help a lot.

- Food management is still an issue. Keeping my stomach happy requires maintaing a fairly constant level of food  intake. If I wait too long to eat, the nausea and aversion take over. Jamba Juice blueberry smoothies have been a daily staple. Plain Cheerios, potatoes, vanilla yogurt, and apples with peanut butter are consistently safe bets.

- I've been unreasonably irritable this week. I got cranky at ML twice for things that really were meaningless. I've also been extra stressed out about work and some projects that are just not going the way I need them to.

- I've had a tiny bit of cramping here and there. Usually I notice it in the morning before I get out of bed, and other times when i'm driving. Sometimes it turns out to be gas, but other times I pretty sure that it is just everything stretching and growing. 

The Belly? 

- Not much to report, other than that I love my maternity pants from Old Navy and the Gap.

The Boobies?

- yes, I am adding a special category to report on The Boobies as they have become a major player in this adventure.

- I broke down last weekend and found a special store that rents breastpumps and sells nursing bras and cloth diapers. It was open by appointment only, and so I made my appointment hoping that they could fit me with a bra that helped alleviate my pain. I've been a 34 B from the time that I bought my first bra. Until now when I measured a 38 C/D... She helped me find a perfect sleeping bra, and two other well padded bras for the daytime. She also warned me that my breasts are going to continue growing, and that I'll need to re-up again in a few months. All three are technically nursing bras, so I'll be able to use them again on the other side.

- I'm not typically a fan of bra's, and am known to not wear them unless there is a reason one is needed, but since I got the new bras, the only time I am not wearing one is when I'm in the shower.

- I've been on high alert to prevent any additional vasospasm attacks. Now that I think I know what is causing them, mainly cold, I am noticing the warning signs that one might be coming on and taking immediate action to get warm again.  Wearing a scarf and keeping my neck warm seems to help. 

Sleep? 

- I woke up one night this week to find ML missing from our bed. He had relocated to the couch so that his tossing and turning wouldn't bother me. I don't like his wiggles, but I dislike not having him next to me even more. 

What I miss? 

- drinking, yep, i miss it. I miss having a sunday morning mimosa, I miss having a vodka soda after a hard day at work, I miss having a glass of wine with dinner. I'm thinking that after the first trimester, I may decide to relax on the prohibition and allow the occasional adult beverage. 

- sex. like you wouldn't believe. i crave my husband.

- sex, yes I have to say it again. I miss it that much. 

Big News this Week? 

- We went to the doula fair, an event put on my our local Birth Network, last weekend. We met a lady who ML and I both felt comfortable with. She seemed very open minded whereas some of the other ladies seemed to have very set philosophies about birth. We met with her later in the week to talk in more detail about how she would work with us. 

- My mom sold her house, the house that she and my dad bought 15 years ago, the house that she thought she'd live in for the rest of her life. She is moving this weekend into a rental. This is like the 20th time that my mom has moved since she and my dad got married, (the first since their divorce 5 years ago), and I'm sure the hardest since it represents the loss of so many dreams. 

- We decided to turn two of our bedrooms into a studio with a separate entrance. ML bought a little kitchenette to install in one of the closets, and found a guy who can start working on it for us. We've rented out three of our extra bedrooms for the past 7 years, and finally the time has come that we want our privacy. We don't need the space, but would still like the extra income, and this seems like a nice compromise. 

Yes, But...

I'll support it, but I'm actually really disappointed by it.

Resolve has revealed the Family Building Act of 2011, or Senate Bill 965, introduced by Senator Kirsten Gillibrand to create a tax credit for certain out of pocket costs associated with infertility.

Having spent nearly 50% of our gross income trying to start our family last year, since our insurance specifically excludes anything remotely related to infertility, I feel strongly that something needs to change. However this feels like a misguided attempt to 'fix' the problem, potentially creating a whole mess of additional problems for us infertile to have to deal with.

This plan will only cover costs associated with IVF. Only a fraction of the medical expenses that ML and I incurred last year would have qualified for this Family Building tax credit. Our diagnosis wasn't simple, and neither was our treatment plan.  Do we really want a tax code that handles medical credits and deductions on a case by case basis? It just doesn't feel right to me. It feels like we are leaving behind a huge segment of our ALI community. 

I think that most of us would agree that insurance mandates for infertility coverage would be an ideal place to start the discussions. Unfortunately I understand just how difficult that fight can be considering that I've been fighting unsuccessfully for California to simply require maternity coverage as a basic health benefit. In fact our governor vetoed such legislation at the urging of the (evil) insurance companies the past 4 years in a row.

Current federal tax law allows for a tax deduction for any medical costs over 7% of your income. In our case we  were able to deduct a significant portion of our medical expense, and will likely be in a similar situation again this year. Tax credits/deductions require that you spend the money first, then are able to play the tax game to hopefully recoup some percentage of your expenses. This is not an option for every family, nor is every family in a position to reach the 7% threshold in any given year. I assure you that it is a financially painful achievement.

If we really wanted to support hard working families, we'd start by making sure that they have access to comprehensive health insurance so that they don't incur huge medical costs in the first place. And if we can't do that, then then we should simply lower the 7% threshold so that they can deduct more of their costs. Its not a perfect solution, but it would be a step in the right direction.

I am not in favor of creating new, complicated tax rules that will only benefit certain individuals with certain conditions to receive certain treatments. This sounds to me like one more frustrating complexity that we will be left to figure out on our own, and it just rubs me the wrong way.

I'm also really put off by the idea that IVF is the only meaningful cost of infertility. We just spent a week busting myths, one being that IVF is the only treatment for infertility, that IVF is always successful, that IVF is the answer. It is just so disrespectful to our experience, and the experience of so many others, to suggest with this legislation that IVF is the only cost that really 'matters'.

Ideally, a Family Building Act would support public health goals that represent savings to the health care system. For example, insurance companies who do pay for IVF can restrict the number of embryos transferred resulting in more full term healthy babies born. The increased cost of IVF would be offset by the significant savings in NICU stays for preterm multiples. I'm not sure that I see the connection to public health in this legislation. In fact I perceive what might be perverse incentives in this legislation. IVF is not the best or first choice for every infertile couple, but when you start subsidizing one treatment option among many you start to disincentivize other potential more appropriate treatment options.

I do think it is commendable that RESOLVE is venturing into the political realm with this campaign, and I will of course support the Bill by contacting my US Senators and asking them to sign on a co-authors.

I understand only too well that in order to bring about change that we must stand together with one loud voice. I also understand that this is only one small first step toward the real changes that we know are necessary.

You can support it too by visiting http://www.resolve.org/family-building-options/insurance_coverage/federal-laws.html and following the links to contact your US Senators.

However I'm really disappointed that this is the best we could come up with.

Key provisions of the Fertility Act of 2011:

• The Family Act covers the out-of-pocket costs associated with in vitro fertilization (IVF) including diagnostic tests, laboratory charges, professional charges, and medications for IVF.
• The Family Act covers the out-of-pocket costs of fertility preservation procedures if the man or woman is diagnosed with cancer and the cancer treatment or disease itself may result in infertility.
• The Family Act has a cost sharing provision allowing 50% of all applicable medical expenses to be  covered up to a lifetime maximum of $13,360. You would need to have out-of-pocket costs totaling $26,720 to claim the entire credit in your lifetime.
• If you do not owe taxes in a particular year, do not owe enough taxes to use the whole credit, or do not reach the max amount in one tax year, it carries over to the next year for a max of five years after the first year you use the credit. 
• The Family Act is available to couples filing jointly with adjusted gross incomes of less than $222,520, but the credit is smaller for those earning between $182,500 and $222,520. 

Torpedo Tits

I had a nickname in high school. 
Torpedo Tits. 


I was late to mature and have never been well endowed. My nipples, however are another story. My nipples are sizable, nearly always erect, very sensitive (which used to be a great thing), and tend to show thru my clothing regardless of what I am wearing. 


In high school, they earned me the nickname Torpedo Tits. It was true, I couldn't fight it, so I embraced it and we had lots of fun with it. Remember the James Bond scene when the Bond girls open fire from their breasts? I loved to reenact that scene.  


My first serious boyfriend helped me discover just how wonderfully sensitive my nipples were. There is one first glorious encounter that I will never forget, mostly because I had no idea that my breasts and nipples could supply so much pleasure. 


I loved my nipples, thought that they were fantastic, but every so often, usually on colder mornings, I'd be overcome by nipple/breast pain. I'd sequester myself in a warm classroom, hands inside my shirt desperately pulling away the fabric of my bra and clothing from my nipples while simultaneously trying to warm them up. It didn't happen all the time, but I have very clear memories of the intense pain that accompanied the attacks. Crazy stuff is happening with a teenager body, and I just assumed that my boobs were growing or some other normal puberty thing was happening. 


I can't seem to remember any specific episodes of pain as intense as it was in high school, but suspect that there were a few now and again. Until now.


Last month, while were were waiting for our u-Haul truck, I was hit with a very intense very painful episode of breast pain. We were outside and there was a light breeze, it wasn't even that cold, but apparently cold enough to push me right over the edge. It was not tenderness, or discomfort, it was pain. Real, serious, intense PAIN. It lasted until we got into the truck and I started to warm up, maybe 15-20 minutes. 


I had another attack of really intense breast pain yesterday. I was at a big ceremony celebrating the expansion of a local college facility. My boss couldn't be there, so I was presenting a Proclamation on her behalf. It was outside in the garden area, and there was a slight breeze. Despite my three layers of clothing, the episode of pain came on strong. I tried to hug myself, to protect my breasts from the wind with my arms, but it just kept getting worse. Important people were giving speeches, but I had to excuse myself and run to my car to get my jacket. It took me another 10-15 minutes to warm up after which the pain subsided.




I consulted Dr Google when I got home, but my searches kept coming up with descriptions of breast tenderness, pre-menstrual breast discomfort, pain in a single breast as a result of an injury, nothing close to the cool temperature induced episode of severe intense breast pain that I experienced today. I kept searching, finally adding the term Raynauds. Raynauds is a vasospastic disorder that can cause pain within the affected extremities (most often hands and feet), discoloration (paleness) and sensations of cold and/or numbness. Wikepedia also explained that Raynaud's can occur in breastfeeding mothers, causing nipples to turn white and become extremely painful. Emotional stress and cold are classic triggers of the phenomenon." 


I first read about Raynauds on another blog, the description sounded so very similar to nipple pain that I used to experience in high school and again more recently. Intense episodes of pain that are brought on by cold. In classic Raynaud's the affected area changes colors from white to blue to purple. I've never been in a position to inspect my nipples while experiencing these episodes of pain, but am feeling pretty confident that this is a fitting explanation. 


I turned up a ton of useful information once I added Raynauds to my search. Apparently nipple pain is an often undiagnosed/misdiagnosed reason that women give up on breastfeeding. I found a really great article written by two lactation consultants in Australia that explains "Raynauds is a common condition affecting women of childbearing age with up to 22% of 21-50 year olds reporting symptoms.  It is likely therefore to be an underdiagnosed condition affecting the nipples of lactating women." Most of the stories I read described women who suffered for weeks and/or months, undergoing multiple treatments for other infections before finally getting an accurate diagnosis and appropriate treatment. The best part is that there are very effective treatment options for Raynauds, unlike the complete lack of treatment options for generic breast pain.


The research confirmed my suspicions that the attacks are brought on my cold, and thus one of the first preventative strategies is to prevent your body, especially your breasts from getting cold. I am desperate enough for relief from this pain that I ordered some breast warmers from Australia! I will also be talking to my new OB about this, especially since it has the potential to interfere with breastfeeding. (I kind of want to test her by not revealing the fruits of my research, but don't know how playing games like that will benefit me. I am really confident that she is a fantastic OB, who will take brilliant good care of me, just as she has taken wonderful care of Bestie.)

My torpedo tits have turned against me! But I am going to take some really good care of them so that they are ready for our little one come December.