ecstatic

I always expected that we would be ecstatic when we finally got the wonderful news that we were pregnant. The reality has been so different. 

I expected to cry tears of joy, to embrace ML, to joyfully announce to my mom that she would finally be a grandma, to hug Bestie knowing that we are finally pregnant together. 

There were tears, my dear sister burst into sobs when I told her over the phone that she was going to be an auntie. It was the sweetest, purest reaction. Her heart is so big, and even though we've had our challenges, her love for me, ML and this baby is so clear. 

We've been so cautious as we've shared the news. And everyone has ben so careful to follow our lead in their response. At the same time as I want them to understand our hesitation in believing that this is actually happening, I want them to burst into tears of joy, to dance in the street, to respond ecstatic.

I really think that there was a part of me that believed we would never find ourselves here. My Someday mantra was specifically crafted in such a way that it looked beyond HOW we would become parents. Early on our journey huge pieces of the how were torn away from us and I spent a long time grieving that loss. Part of that process was letting go of a lot of the the expectations I had about how we would become parents. 

I had the tinyist bit of light pink spotting when I wiped yesterday. I was strangely calm, thinking that 'it was what it was' and there wasn't much I could do about it. But it also made me think that being pregnant, what I thought was an outcome I wanted, is really only a means to the ultimate outcome that I really want. 

Don't get me wrong, I've wanted this pregnancy more than anything. I want this more than anything I've ever wanted. However all these emotions are all existing together in that crazy mishmash of feelings that I've learned co-exist in each of us. 

Its been a week and 2 days since we got our good news, and slowly, very slowly, it is starting to sink in, starting to feel real. 

*****

Resolve is celebrating National Infertility Awareness Week with a Bust a Myth campaign. I've been trying to think about a myth that I can bust in honor of NIAW, and came across this Myth/Fact on the Resolve website. It seems fitting for what I am feeling right now. 

Myth: "You will be ecstatic when you get that positive pregnancy test."

Fact: There are many non ecstatic feelings aroused by that positive test. Most couples experience shock and disbelief. As one RESOLVE member said, "During eight years of infertility I had fantasized how I would react to the news we had waited to hear each month. I had dreamed how I would shout it from the roof tops and call everyone I knew that didn't happen. When the doctor told me...all I could say was 'are you sure?' I sat at the table, numb, trying to absorb what I had just heard. I guess what I feel is that I am protecting myself again." There is also a great deal of fear and anxiety, especially about pregnancy loss. Often there are symptoms, such as spotting, that escalate that fear. For many people, the anxiety is somewhat eased by an ultrasound showing a uterine pregnancy or by carrying into the third trimester. For others, especially those who have previously lost pregnancies, anxiety can remain until a healthy baby is delivered. One pregnant woman said, "My first 4 pregnancies ended in miscarriage...I cannot bear to hear people say, 'Oh, how wonderful! Congratulations!' No, it is not wonderful...being pregnant is frightening and anxiety producing and a situation in which daily life feels like walking on eggs."

I'm off to the spa with my mama. Hope that you all can find an excuse to pamper yourselves a little this week :)

An Open Letter to PETA

Read this post from Keiko first, then read my post, then write your own letter.

Ingrid E. Newkirk, President
People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals 
ingridn@peta.org

Dear Ms. Newkirk,

I too am a member of the infertility community and respectfully request that you immediately discontinue your "Win a Vasectomy" contest that is being held in honor of national infertility awareness week. Furthermore I request that your organization issue an apology to the infertility community for this insulting and hurtful ad campaign.

I am a lifelong advocate for spay and neuter programs. In fact I work in a capacity to direct significant funding to out local animal shelter for the purpose of spay and neuter programs, and ensuring the humane treatment of animals.

Being a mom is the only dream I've ever had. My husband and I were married for five years before we started trying to start our family. The day we received our azoospermia diagnosis was the worst day of my life. We spent the next two years undergoing extensive invasive testing to determine and treat the cause of our infertility. This is the most painful thing I have ever experienced, complete with embarrassment, stigma, and grief.

Infertility is a silent disease. It is a disease that affects 1 in 8 couples, including just as many men as women. I am speaking out on behalf of the hundreds of thousands of inertial couples who have not yet found their voice.

Please do the right thing and correct this wrong immediately.

Sincerely,

Beta #4

At my second beta, before they gave us any indication of a pregnancy, I brought the clinic a batch of fresh baked oatmeal chocolate chip cookies. I presented them as a bribe for positive news, and since the clinic accepted the cookies I assumed that we had a deal! 

After today's beta results I feel safe to say it was a brilliant strategy on my part :)

Today's Beta #4 at 15dp3dt is 275 (with a doubling time of 34.56 hrs from the previous test)

at 9dp3dt our beta was 7.6
at 11dp3dt our beta was 30.5 (doubling time of 24.56 hrs from the previous test)
at 13dp3dt our beta is 105 (with a doubling time of 27.27 hrs from the previous test)

Our next appointment is on Monday April 18 for our first ultrasound. A second ultrasound is scheduled for May 2.

I am feeling great. Only symptoms I'm noticing are lightheadedness if I get up too fast, a sore rump from the PIO, a little bit of heartburn yesterday, and it could be in my head but I swear that I am farting way more than normal.
*****
I calculated the winner of my giveaway last night, and will be making the announcement very soon. Stay tuned!

Low Doubling Betas

Just got home from beta #3.

ML took the call confirming that we were in fact pregnant on Friday but didn't know to ask about the beta numbers. Our RE waits until after the second beta to give you any info, so I knew at least that we had two positive tests, and that the number had at least doubled.

Today when we were there, I was able to ask about the earlier beta's.

at 9dp3dt our beta was 7.6.
at 11dp3dt our beta was 30.5 (doubling time of 24.56 hrs from the previous test)

I've spent my fair share of time on BetaBase to know that these betas are on the low side. As soon as we got home I got online and confirmed my instinct. However, as long as they keep doubling we are looking good, so I remain cautiously optimistic.

We just got the call to let us know the results of beta #3

at 13dp3dt our beta is 105 (with a doubling time of 27.27 hrs from the previous test)

We have a 4th beta on Tuesday, so there is a little more reassurance coming our way soon enough!

I am so glad now that I didn't poas before my first betas, since these early levels would not have registered and I would have been needlessly disappointed. I have never seen a positive pee stick, and just might have to take one now, just for fun.
* * * * *
This still feels very surreal. I think that there was a part of me that believed we would never experience pregnancy. and maybe a part of me that seriously wondered if we would ever have children no mater how hard we tried by any means. The self-preservation that led to those beliefs in the first place is fighting hard now to protect me now.

I want to be careful how I say this, but the reality of knowing that this child was created with the assistance of a donor is something that is weighing heavy on our hearts at the moment. There is an element of grief that has risen to the surface, which I think is healthy and necessary.

Don't get me wrong, we are happy, but not in the ecstatic overjoyed dancing in the streets way that I expected.

Maternity Clothes

I really want this. I've always wanted this. I knew when I was little and people asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. They thought it was cute when I responded by saying that I wanted to be a mom. I can honestly say that being a mom is the only thing I've ever expected and wanted out of life. It is the only thing that I've always wanted. 

I was talking to Bestie about finding her style as a new mom. She has always been attuned to the fashion of the day, so this is not a surprise.  I am not a particularly fashionable gal, never have been. Most of my clothes are hand me downs from my fasionista sister. I am embarrassed to admit that I still have clothes from high school in my closet. I wear what is comfortable, and clean, and and consideration for style is secondary. 

However, I have always imagined that I would be one of those cute fashionable pregnant women. Now, more than ever I dream of flaunting my baby bump. 

I've been doing a little online window shopping and wanted to share what I found. I'd love any suggestions about good online sources of affordable and cute maternity clothes, especially for us tall gals. 

Pea in a Pod Sweater

Old Navy Maternity Roll-Panel Boot-Cut Jeans - size 10 long #7372130021003 

Old Navy Maternity Roll Panel Twill Pants - size 10  #8183970120010 

Gap Demi panel corduroy pants - size 10 long black #7618610021003 

Gap Demi panel perfect trouser pants (navy pinstriped)- size 10 long #7799380021003 

Due Maternity Knit Maternity Pants by Maternal America - large black

A Pea in a Pod Short Sleeve Side Ruched Maternity Sweater - large brown #18755

ASOS Maternity - Everything!

I know it is still early, but it takes time to get a nice wardrobe pulled together.  I am also wondering where I might find used maternity clothing. There must be thousands of women with closets full of beautiful maternity clothing. I want to collect a few pieces of my own, but would really love to buy a wardrobe from someone who has already built it, like the hand-me-downs I loved growing up. In case it matters, I'm 5'9" and 160 lbs. Do you know where I should look? 

Its All Good.

The news is good.
We are thrilled, but I'd be lying if I didn't admit that the emotions are mixed.
I can't believe that this is for real.

Dear Santa

Dear Santa, 

All I want for Christmas this year is a baby (or two). I've been really good for a really, really long time. 

Please Santa. 

A Reason to Smile

ML and I spend a lot of time on the couch, with the tv on, while both of us are on our computer. Bestie laughs at us, but i suppose its our thing.

I love that man so much. I adore all of his different little quirks.

He has been playing a new video game and hums ever so softly as he plays. I love it. I adore it. It makes me bust out a great big smile every time I hear it.

I almost said something to him last night, about his adorable hum, but stopped myself. I doubt he knows that he is doing it, and it I say something he might stop. So instead, I sit here with him on the couch, catch his hum every so often, and have the sweetest reason to smile.

* * * *
In other news, I am having a great week at work. It feels so good to be back in the game. I am getting caught up and refocused on the outcomes that I want to achieve this year. It feels good to have that purpose.  This will be a really hard job to leave someday.
* * * *
ML and I went out to dinner to celebrate our (belated) anniversary the other night. We had a really great conversation. I was able to talk to him about how I was feeling. He is usually really responsive if I can just tell him what is going on in my head. It was also really REALLY helpful to be able to tell him that what he is feeling, what we are experiencing is normal. I can't thank you all enough for your comments to my emotional post last week. You heard and understood exactly what I was feeling. Hearing that so many of you have had similar experiences was,,, well, I just don't have the words,,, it was amazing. I only wish that we could have sat in a room for hours talking about it all!

I also had a good conversation with Bestie about it all. Her husband is pretty amazing. He works all day, comes home and plays with Little One, then he and Little One make dinner together, and he then walks her to sleep every night. He is one of the most hands on involved dads I've ever seen. Even so, there are times Bestie said when she feels like he should be doing more. She knows just how sweet ML is on me and we laughed about our crazy unachievable expectations.
* * * * *
A final note for the night... I wish so much that I had some pregnancy symptoms.  Some cramps, Sore boobs, increased urination, nausea, anything that will give me a sign that I am pregnant. Please Please Please can I have some pregnancy symptoms!

I go in for my first blood test tomorrow, but they won't tell us the results until after the second blood test on Friday. I am fine waiting for Friday, if only because it gives me two extra days of this hopeful feeling.

(Mama, Sister, Bestie - if you are reading this, I am going to tell you that we won't know until Monday, Okay? ML and I need the weekend to have this information for just us. So much else of this private process has been shared, and we want just a few days of privacy. Please just play along with me and don't ask until Monday okay? Speak now, or hold your peace till Monday :)

snow dog & 8dp3dt update

We are 8 days past our 3 day transfer - so far so good. I am not really feeling any symptoms, other than the sore PIO rump, a bladder that wakes me up to be relieved every night, some lightheadedness when I get up, and these maybe cramps. I can explain it all away as side effects of the massive amounts of progesterone that I am taking. Even my boobies that were painfully sore after the retrieval are feeling back to normal. 

My first blood test is tomorrow! But they won't tell me the results until the second blood test on Friday. I do envision spending the weekend celebrating or grieving the news with ML, but don't know how we can not tell our support people who are expecting to hear from us. This process kind of takes away the ability to make a grand announcement to our family on our own terms.  Any ideas or suggestions for how to deal with this? 

Before I run off to work, I had to share this adorable picture of my sweet puppy. We don't have snow where I live, but we do visit it regularly and she LOVES it!

my puppy LOVES the snow.

Much love to all! My IVF giveaway will be quickly coming to a close and I want to thank you all for all of the comments of support that you've left these past few weeks. I wish that I could afford to personally thank each one of you with a beautiful bloomtastic bracelet. You are all winners in my book!!!

a few foxy Shout-Outs

I am now 6dp3dt, still feeling really good. I think that I could be having a little bit of cramping, but also think it could just be that I want to be having a little bit of cramping and that my mind is playing with me.    :) it doesn't really matter because I am loving myself and loving this maybe pregnancy. I don't want to miss one minute of being able to appreciate that we had this chance, and if the twins are growing in there to love them too.

*****
My heart broke reading Sara's (empty whole) recent posts. She learned going into her egg retrieval that they were not able to find any sperm from her husbands mTESE. Her IVF was converted so that her eggs could be frozen. She is dealing with the significant loss and grief that comes with news like this, and also not sure what their path looks like moving forward.

Her posts bring back so many memories from our journey. The day that we got our initial Azoospermia diagnosis, the day that ML had his first biopsy that didn't find any sperm, the day that he had his first FNA map that confirmed the biopsy results, and the day that we got the results of the second FNA map confirming that we would never have biological children together. The grief that comes with news like this hits so hard. It fundamentally changes who you are as a person.

Reading StarFishKittyDreams recent post also brought heartache. Her kitty is dying. It just doesn't seem fair that one person should experience so much loss in such a short period of time. And it also brings back all of the sorrow that I felt when we had to say goodbye to our first furbaby.

Kerri and Augusta have both been awesome cycle sisters. In fact I think I actually have the cyclesista blog to thank for introducing me to Kerri, who is struggling with a case of OHSS and needs some extra support at the moment. Their positive attitudes have been such an inspiration. I am hoping beyond hope that this is our month.

I really feel like I've found a kindred spirit in my girl Bumpy who sent me the most incredible care package leading up to this cycle. I posted about Wanda the Gnome earlier, and have carried her around as a good luck charm since she arrived. I know that wanda has the travel bug, and expect that she'll soon be requesting a travel pass to her next destination.  Bumpy introduced me to the world of geocaching, and while I haven't ventured out to actually find a cache, I curiously looking up all of the cache locations around my house, my work, my moms house, our ski resort, etc. This is going to keep me entertained for  a very long time!

The beautiful mama Kir has been incredible too. I originally gravitated to her as the mother of twins, since I like to envision my own someday twins. She won a trip to a city near me and I immediately wanted to meet her. I wrote to her and almost begged her to let me know when she was coming so that I could share a meal with her. I had no idea then that I was reaching out to one of the most loving generous compassionate women I'll ever meet. Her cards are all in my purse reminding me every time I
reach for something that I am not on this journey alone. Now, I really can't wait to meet this wonder-woman!

There are so many more of you (Les, Marianne, Cherbear, Jenni, Kakunna, Rebekah, Julie, Alison, Dory, E, and on and on!) who have made me feel so supported and encouraged and loved, and I am forever grateful. Thank you all for all of the comments, especially these past few weeks!

Are there friends you've made here in this anonymous blogging community that have touched your life? Do you think that the relationships that are forged here can successfully translate into long term IRL friendships? I sure hope so, because you ladies rock my world!

(Don't forget that every comment during my ivf cycle is an entry into my giveaway! Thank you!)