Beta #4

At my second beta, before they gave us any indication of a pregnancy, I brought the clinic a batch of fresh baked oatmeal chocolate chip cookies. I presented them as a bribe for positive news, and since the clinic accepted the cookies I assumed that we had a deal! 

After today's beta results I feel safe to say it was a brilliant strategy on my part :)

Today's Beta #4 at 15dp3dt is 275 (with a doubling time of 34.56 hrs from the previous test)

at 9dp3dt our beta was 7.6
at 11dp3dt our beta was 30.5 (doubling time of 24.56 hrs from the previous test)
at 13dp3dt our beta is 105 (with a doubling time of 27.27 hrs from the previous test)

Our next appointment is on Monday April 18 for our first ultrasound. A second ultrasound is scheduled for May 2.

I am feeling great. Only symptoms I'm noticing are lightheadedness if I get up too fast, a sore rump from the PIO, a little bit of heartburn yesterday, and it could be in my head but I swear that I am farting way more than normal.
*****
I calculated the winner of my giveaway last night, and will be making the announcement very soon. Stay tuned!

Low Doubling Betas

Just got home from beta #3.

ML took the call confirming that we were in fact pregnant on Friday but didn't know to ask about the beta numbers. Our RE waits until after the second beta to give you any info, so I knew at least that we had two positive tests, and that the number had at least doubled.

Today when we were there, I was able to ask about the earlier beta's.

at 9dp3dt our beta was 7.6.
at 11dp3dt our beta was 30.5 (doubling time of 24.56 hrs from the previous test)

I've spent my fair share of time on BetaBase to know that these betas are on the low side. As soon as we got home I got online and confirmed my instinct. However, as long as they keep doubling we are looking good, so I remain cautiously optimistic.

We just got the call to let us know the results of beta #3

at 13dp3dt our beta is 105 (with a doubling time of 27.27 hrs from the previous test)

We have a 4th beta on Tuesday, so there is a little more reassurance coming our way soon enough!

I am so glad now that I didn't poas before my first betas, since these early levels would not have registered and I would have been needlessly disappointed. I have never seen a positive pee stick, and just might have to take one now, just for fun.
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This still feels very surreal. I think that there was a part of me that believed we would never experience pregnancy. and maybe a part of me that seriously wondered if we would ever have children no mater how hard we tried by any means. The self-preservation that led to those beliefs in the first place is fighting hard now to protect me now.

I want to be careful how I say this, but the reality of knowing that this child was created with the assistance of a donor is something that is weighing heavy on our hearts at the moment. There is an element of grief that has risen to the surface, which I think is healthy and necessary.

Don't get me wrong, we are happy, but not in the ecstatic overjoyed dancing in the streets way that I expected.

Maternity Clothes

I really want this. I've always wanted this. I knew when I was little and people asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. They thought it was cute when I responded by saying that I wanted to be a mom. I can honestly say that being a mom is the only thing I've ever expected and wanted out of life. It is the only thing that I've always wanted. 

I was talking to Bestie about finding her style as a new mom. She has always been attuned to the fashion of the day, so this is not a surprise.  I am not a particularly fashionable gal, never have been. Most of my clothes are hand me downs from my fasionista sister. I am embarrassed to admit that I still have clothes from high school in my closet. I wear what is comfortable, and clean, and and consideration for style is secondary. 

However, I have always imagined that I would be one of those cute fashionable pregnant women. Now, more than ever I dream of flaunting my baby bump. 

I've been doing a little online window shopping and wanted to share what I found. I'd love any suggestions about good online sources of affordable and cute maternity clothes, especially for us tall gals. 

Pea in a Pod Sweater

Old Navy Maternity Roll-Panel Boot-Cut Jeans - size 10 long #7372130021003 

Old Navy Maternity Roll Panel Twill Pants - size 10  #8183970120010 

Gap Demi panel corduroy pants - size 10 long black #7618610021003 

Gap Demi panel perfect trouser pants (navy pinstriped)- size 10 long #7799380021003 

Due Maternity Knit Maternity Pants by Maternal America - large black

A Pea in a Pod Short Sleeve Side Ruched Maternity Sweater - large brown #18755

ASOS Maternity - Everything!

I know it is still early, but it takes time to get a nice wardrobe pulled together.  I am also wondering where I might find used maternity clothing. There must be thousands of women with closets full of beautiful maternity clothing. I want to collect a few pieces of my own, but would really love to buy a wardrobe from someone who has already built it, like the hand-me-downs I loved growing up. In case it matters, I'm 5'9" and 160 lbs. Do you know where I should look? 

Its All Good.

The news is good.
We are thrilled, but I'd be lying if I didn't admit that the emotions are mixed.
I can't believe that this is for real.

Dear Santa

Dear Santa, 

All I want for Christmas this year is a baby (or two). I've been really good for a really, really long time. 

Please Santa. 

A Reason to Smile

ML and I spend a lot of time on the couch, with the tv on, while both of us are on our computer. Bestie laughs at us, but i suppose its our thing.

I love that man so much. I adore all of his different little quirks.

He has been playing a new video game and hums ever so softly as he plays. I love it. I adore it. It makes me bust out a great big smile every time I hear it.

I almost said something to him last night, about his adorable hum, but stopped myself. I doubt he knows that he is doing it, and it I say something he might stop. So instead, I sit here with him on the couch, catch his hum every so often, and have the sweetest reason to smile.

* * * *
In other news, I am having a great week at work. It feels so good to be back in the game. I am getting caught up and refocused on the outcomes that I want to achieve this year. It feels good to have that purpose.  This will be a really hard job to leave someday.
* * * *
ML and I went out to dinner to celebrate our (belated) anniversary the other night. We had a really great conversation. I was able to talk to him about how I was feeling. He is usually really responsive if I can just tell him what is going on in my head. It was also really REALLY helpful to be able to tell him that what he is feeling, what we are experiencing is normal. I can't thank you all enough for your comments to my emotional post last week. You heard and understood exactly what I was feeling. Hearing that so many of you have had similar experiences was,,, well, I just don't have the words,,, it was amazing. I only wish that we could have sat in a room for hours talking about it all!

I also had a good conversation with Bestie about it all. Her husband is pretty amazing. He works all day, comes home and plays with Little One, then he and Little One make dinner together, and he then walks her to sleep every night. He is one of the most hands on involved dads I've ever seen. Even so, there are times Bestie said when she feels like he should be doing more. She knows just how sweet ML is on me and we laughed about our crazy unachievable expectations.
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A final note for the night... I wish so much that I had some pregnancy symptoms.  Some cramps, Sore boobs, increased urination, nausea, anything that will give me a sign that I am pregnant. Please Please Please can I have some pregnancy symptoms!

I go in for my first blood test tomorrow, but they won't tell us the results until after the second blood test on Friday. I am fine waiting for Friday, if only because it gives me two extra days of this hopeful feeling.

(Mama, Sister, Bestie - if you are reading this, I am going to tell you that we won't know until Monday, Okay? ML and I need the weekend to have this information for just us. So much else of this private process has been shared, and we want just a few days of privacy. Please just play along with me and don't ask until Monday okay? Speak now, or hold your peace till Monday :)

snow dog & 8dp3dt update

We are 8 days past our 3 day transfer - so far so good. I am not really feeling any symptoms, other than the sore PIO rump, a bladder that wakes me up to be relieved every night, some lightheadedness when I get up, and these maybe cramps. I can explain it all away as side effects of the massive amounts of progesterone that I am taking. Even my boobies that were painfully sore after the retrieval are feeling back to normal. 

My first blood test is tomorrow! But they won't tell me the results until the second blood test on Friday. I do envision spending the weekend celebrating or grieving the news with ML, but don't know how we can not tell our support people who are expecting to hear from us. This process kind of takes away the ability to make a grand announcement to our family on our own terms.  Any ideas or suggestions for how to deal with this? 

Before I run off to work, I had to share this adorable picture of my sweet puppy. We don't have snow where I live, but we do visit it regularly and she LOVES it!

my puppy LOVES the snow.

Much love to all! My IVF giveaway will be quickly coming to a close and I want to thank you all for all of the comments of support that you've left these past few weeks. I wish that I could afford to personally thank each one of you with a beautiful bloomtastic bracelet. You are all winners in my book!!!

a few foxy Shout-Outs

I am now 6dp3dt, still feeling really good. I think that I could be having a little bit of cramping, but also think it could just be that I want to be having a little bit of cramping and that my mind is playing with me.    :) it doesn't really matter because I am loving myself and loving this maybe pregnancy. I don't want to miss one minute of being able to appreciate that we had this chance, and if the twins are growing in there to love them too.

*****
My heart broke reading Sara's (empty whole) recent posts. She learned going into her egg retrieval that they were not able to find any sperm from her husbands mTESE. Her IVF was converted so that her eggs could be frozen. She is dealing with the significant loss and grief that comes with news like this, and also not sure what their path looks like moving forward.

Her posts bring back so many memories from our journey. The day that we got our initial Azoospermia diagnosis, the day that ML had his first biopsy that didn't find any sperm, the day that he had his first FNA map that confirmed the biopsy results, and the day that we got the results of the second FNA map confirming that we would never have biological children together. The grief that comes with news like this hits so hard. It fundamentally changes who you are as a person.

Reading StarFishKittyDreams recent post also brought heartache. Her kitty is dying. It just doesn't seem fair that one person should experience so much loss in such a short period of time. And it also brings back all of the sorrow that I felt when we had to say goodbye to our first furbaby.

Kerri and Augusta have both been awesome cycle sisters. In fact I think I actually have the cyclesista blog to thank for introducing me to Kerri, who is struggling with a case of OHSS and needs some extra support at the moment. Their positive attitudes have been such an inspiration. I am hoping beyond hope that this is our month.

I really feel like I've found a kindred spirit in my girl Bumpy who sent me the most incredible care package leading up to this cycle. I posted about Wanda the Gnome earlier, and have carried her around as a good luck charm since she arrived. I know that wanda has the travel bug, and expect that she'll soon be requesting a travel pass to her next destination.  Bumpy introduced me to the world of geocaching, and while I haven't ventured out to actually find a cache, I curiously looking up all of the cache locations around my house, my work, my moms house, our ski resort, etc. This is going to keep me entertained for  a very long time!

The beautiful mama Kir has been incredible too. I originally gravitated to her as the mother of twins, since I like to envision my own someday twins. She won a trip to a city near me and I immediately wanted to meet her. I wrote to her and almost begged her to let me know when she was coming so that I could share a meal with her. I had no idea then that I was reaching out to one of the most loving generous compassionate women I'll ever meet. Her cards are all in my purse reminding me every time I
reach for something that I am not on this journey alone. Now, I really can't wait to meet this wonder-woman!

There are so many more of you (Les, Marianne, Cherbear, Jenni, Kakunna, Rebekah, Julie, Alison, Dory, E, and on and on!) who have made me feel so supported and encouraged and loved, and I am forever grateful. Thank you all for all of the comments, especially these past few weeks!

Are there friends you've made here in this anonymous blogging community that have touched your life? Do you think that the relationships that are forged here can successfully translate into long term IRL friendships? I sure hope so, because you ladies rock my world!

(Don't forget that every comment during my ivf cycle is an entry into my giveaway! Thank you!)

The Emotions of Being 4dp3dt

Four days past our three day transfer everything is going well. We got the all yesterday to let us know that two of our remaining embryos grew to blastocyst stage and were frozen!

I am back to work and feeling good. We have the PIO routine down, with heat before and after ML gives each injection. My rump gets a little sorer every day, but it is totally bearable. Every night I take my low dose aspirin, 4mg of Medrol, 20mg of Parloden, 10 mg of Lexapro, and the vagifem suppositories. Every morning I take the progesterone suppository.

This 2ww feels different from the IUI waits. I still feel positive and hopeful, but in a much more subdued kind of way. I also feel more driven by these instincts to take extra good care of myself than I did before. There is something else too, though.

I couldn't go back to sleep last night after my second trip to relieve my bladder. I laid in bed thinking about these feelings and trying to find the words to describe them. My fear in 'saying' them out loud is that they will be misunderstood, misinterpreted, judged, by whoever I say them to, including possibly even in my own mind. But I need to get them out, so that I can work thru them, and let them go.

I mentioned before that this ivf cycle has been hard on ML. A renewed grief has reared its head, and I don't know quite how to deal with it. There are little comments that I am carrying around with me, comments that I want to respect because I know that they are coming from a place of honesty of the loss and grief and fear of this experience. I might be overly sensitive, and this text doesn't begin to convey the tone and context of the conversations. I haven't yet spoken to ML about how I feel, but I will.

After the transfer, when we got in the car to head home, ML handed me the embryo printout and said "Here is the picture of your embryos."

The other night, laying in bed together, we were joking around about "the twins" and I asked ML if he loved them already. He replied, maybe jokingly, "No, I hate them."

Last night I reminded ML that we need to get a bed out of the garage for our new roommate, but that I wouldn't be able to help since I can't lift more than 10 lbs. I admit that I probably could have phrased the reminder better, but he gave me a really hard time about it- As if I shouldn't be trying so hard to protect these embryos' that are hopefully growing inside me.

Later, as we were watching TV together snuggled on the couch, I asked ML if he had any regrets. It was an open ended question, inviting a conversation about this cycle and our journey to start this family, but all I got in return was a "yeah, of course I have regrets."

And finally, as irrational and emotional as this might sound, I am upset that he is not doting on me more. This feels like an irrational thing to say only because he has been incredible, with me every step of the way, attending every appointment, prepping every shot, waiting on me hand and foot while I lived in the couch for a week. I'd be hard pressed to say what more I want from him, I just know that I 'feel' like I want 'more'.

Precautions - Coffee?

I am a coffee drinker. Every morning I emerge from bed and make myself comfortable on the couch with I slowly sip my morning cup of joe. There is just as much ritual as there is time for the caffeine to make its way through my system.

I love my morning cup of coffee. I used to have two, or even three cups some days, but when we really started ttc I made an effort to cut down to one cup... at least during the 2ww every month. I used to think that any baby I conceived would need to prove itself strong enough to survive my habits, and that there would always be another chance to conceive.  (I choke a little thinking that I could have ever thought that, but I did.)

All coffee restrictions went out the window between the time that we go the azoospermia diagnosis and last October when we did our first IUI. I even quit taking prenatals for a portion of that time. It was my way small of rebelling against our situation. (Like when I am upset I sometimes choose to not to brush my teeth before bed, as if that is a way to get back at the world for making me upset. Strange, I know.)

Even when we did our two IUI cycles I maintained my morning one cup of coffee ritual. I felt good about it, like it was a balanced decision. I didn't want to be too extreme about anything, and besides, I really loved my coffee. Dr Google also provided me with enough research to help me rationalize that one cup of coffee per day while pregnant was fine.

So now, here we are 2 day post my 3 day transfer (2dp3dt) and I can't bring myself to drink any coffee. My hesitation started the morning of our transfer. ML poured me a small cup delivered to me as I sat curled on the couch. I had a sip, but that was it. I wanted to drink it, I just couldn't. The dog accidentally knocked over the cup spilling my coffee all over the floor, and I actually felt good knowing that my cup was empty.

Then yesterday morning, I emerged from bed, shuffled to the kitchen, pulled a little white mug from the cupboard, reached for the hot coffee pot, but stopped short of pouring the delicious beverage into my mug. I rummaged around thinking that maybe I'd feel better about making a pot of decaf, but couldn't find any decaf grinds. Confused about what to do next I make a cup of hot chocolate. I needed... something!

What to do... I can at least get away without coffee if I don't have to be awake and leave the house before noon, but I have to go back to work tomorrow. Its going to be ugly for everyone if I try and do it without the caffeine!

I'm also a little hung up about letting myself get too extreme about anything. I know myself, and I know that I can get caught up in things. But, this possible pregnancy, I want to be able to let is be just what it is, not try to make it be anything more of less. I don't want to become one of those crazy obsessed pregnant women who freak out about every little thing.

I am curious to hear your opinions, but I don't expect that I'll be drinking any coffee anytime soon. I will pick up some decaf and see if I can rationalize that as a better option, one that allows me to maintain some semblance of normalcy for the time being. Or maybe the morning hot coco will become my new ritual.