Its All Good.

The news is good.
We are thrilled, but I'd be lying if I didn't admit that the emotions are mixed.
I can't believe that this is for real.

Dear Santa

Dear Santa, 

All I want for Christmas this year is a baby (or two). I've been really good for a really, really long time. 

Please Santa. 

A Reason to Smile

ML and I spend a lot of time on the couch, with the tv on, while both of us are on our computer. Bestie laughs at us, but i suppose its our thing.

I love that man so much. I adore all of his different little quirks.

He has been playing a new video game and hums ever so softly as he plays. I love it. I adore it. It makes me bust out a great big smile every time I hear it.

I almost said something to him last night, about his adorable hum, but stopped myself. I doubt he knows that he is doing it, and it I say something he might stop. So instead, I sit here with him on the couch, catch his hum every so often, and have the sweetest reason to smile.

* * * *
In other news, I am having a great week at work. It feels so good to be back in the game. I am getting caught up and refocused on the outcomes that I want to achieve this year. It feels good to have that purpose.  This will be a really hard job to leave someday.
* * * *
ML and I went out to dinner to celebrate our (belated) anniversary the other night. We had a really great conversation. I was able to talk to him about how I was feeling. He is usually really responsive if I can just tell him what is going on in my head. It was also really REALLY helpful to be able to tell him that what he is feeling, what we are experiencing is normal. I can't thank you all enough for your comments to my emotional post last week. You heard and understood exactly what I was feeling. Hearing that so many of you have had similar experiences was,,, well, I just don't have the words,,, it was amazing. I only wish that we could have sat in a room for hours talking about it all!

I also had a good conversation with Bestie about it all. Her husband is pretty amazing. He works all day, comes home and plays with Little One, then he and Little One make dinner together, and he then walks her to sleep every night. He is one of the most hands on involved dads I've ever seen. Even so, there are times Bestie said when she feels like he should be doing more. She knows just how sweet ML is on me and we laughed about our crazy unachievable expectations.
* * * * *
A final note for the night... I wish so much that I had some pregnancy symptoms.  Some cramps, Sore boobs, increased urination, nausea, anything that will give me a sign that I am pregnant. Please Please Please can I have some pregnancy symptoms!

I go in for my first blood test tomorrow, but they won't tell us the results until after the second blood test on Friday. I am fine waiting for Friday, if only because it gives me two extra days of this hopeful feeling.

(Mama, Sister, Bestie - if you are reading this, I am going to tell you that we won't know until Monday, Okay? ML and I need the weekend to have this information for just us. So much else of this private process has been shared, and we want just a few days of privacy. Please just play along with me and don't ask until Monday okay? Speak now, or hold your peace till Monday :)

snow dog & 8dp3dt update

We are 8 days past our 3 day transfer - so far so good. I am not really feeling any symptoms, other than the sore PIO rump, a bladder that wakes me up to be relieved every night, some lightheadedness when I get up, and these maybe cramps. I can explain it all away as side effects of the massive amounts of progesterone that I am taking. Even my boobies that were painfully sore after the retrieval are feeling back to normal. 

My first blood test is tomorrow! But they won't tell me the results until the second blood test on Friday. I do envision spending the weekend celebrating or grieving the news with ML, but don't know how we can not tell our support people who are expecting to hear from us. This process kind of takes away the ability to make a grand announcement to our family on our own terms.  Any ideas or suggestions for how to deal with this? 

Before I run off to work, I had to share this adorable picture of my sweet puppy. We don't have snow where I live, but we do visit it regularly and she LOVES it!

my puppy LOVES the snow.

Much love to all! My IVF giveaway will be quickly coming to a close and I want to thank you all for all of the comments of support that you've left these past few weeks. I wish that I could afford to personally thank each one of you with a beautiful bloomtastic bracelet. You are all winners in my book!!!

a few foxy Shout-Outs

I am now 6dp3dt, still feeling really good. I think that I could be having a little bit of cramping, but also think it could just be that I want to be having a little bit of cramping and that my mind is playing with me.    :) it doesn't really matter because I am loving myself and loving this maybe pregnancy. I don't want to miss one minute of being able to appreciate that we had this chance, and if the twins are growing in there to love them too.

*****
My heart broke reading Sara's (empty whole) recent posts. She learned going into her egg retrieval that they were not able to find any sperm from her husbands mTESE. Her IVF was converted so that her eggs could be frozen. She is dealing with the significant loss and grief that comes with news like this, and also not sure what their path looks like moving forward.

Her posts bring back so many memories from our journey. The day that we got our initial Azoospermia diagnosis, the day that ML had his first biopsy that didn't find any sperm, the day that he had his first FNA map that confirmed the biopsy results, and the day that we got the results of the second FNA map confirming that we would never have biological children together. The grief that comes with news like this hits so hard. It fundamentally changes who you are as a person.

Reading StarFishKittyDreams recent post also brought heartache. Her kitty is dying. It just doesn't seem fair that one person should experience so much loss in such a short period of time. And it also brings back all of the sorrow that I felt when we had to say goodbye to our first furbaby.

Kerri and Augusta have both been awesome cycle sisters. In fact I think I actually have the cyclesista blog to thank for introducing me to Kerri, who is struggling with a case of OHSS and needs some extra support at the moment. Their positive attitudes have been such an inspiration. I am hoping beyond hope that this is our month.

I really feel like I've found a kindred spirit in my girl Bumpy who sent me the most incredible care package leading up to this cycle. I posted about Wanda the Gnome earlier, and have carried her around as a good luck charm since she arrived. I know that wanda has the travel bug, and expect that she'll soon be requesting a travel pass to her next destination.  Bumpy introduced me to the world of geocaching, and while I haven't ventured out to actually find a cache, I curiously looking up all of the cache locations around my house, my work, my moms house, our ski resort, etc. This is going to keep me entertained for  a very long time!

The beautiful mama Kir has been incredible too. I originally gravitated to her as the mother of twins, since I like to envision my own someday twins. She won a trip to a city near me and I immediately wanted to meet her. I wrote to her and almost begged her to let me know when she was coming so that I could share a meal with her. I had no idea then that I was reaching out to one of the most loving generous compassionate women I'll ever meet. Her cards are all in my purse reminding me every time I
reach for something that I am not on this journey alone. Now, I really can't wait to meet this wonder-woman!

There are so many more of you (Les, Marianne, Cherbear, Jenni, Kakunna, Rebekah, Julie, Alison, Dory, E, and on and on!) who have made me feel so supported and encouraged and loved, and I am forever grateful. Thank you all for all of the comments, especially these past few weeks!

Are there friends you've made here in this anonymous blogging community that have touched your life? Do you think that the relationships that are forged here can successfully translate into long term IRL friendships? I sure hope so, because you ladies rock my world!

(Don't forget that every comment during my ivf cycle is an entry into my giveaway! Thank you!)

The Emotions of Being 4dp3dt

Four days past our three day transfer everything is going well. We got the all yesterday to let us know that two of our remaining embryos grew to blastocyst stage and were frozen!

I am back to work and feeling good. We have the PIO routine down, with heat before and after ML gives each injection. My rump gets a little sorer every day, but it is totally bearable. Every night I take my low dose aspirin, 4mg of Medrol, 20mg of Parloden, 10 mg of Lexapro, and the vagifem suppositories. Every morning I take the progesterone suppository.

This 2ww feels different from the IUI waits. I still feel positive and hopeful, but in a much more subdued kind of way. I also feel more driven by these instincts to take extra good care of myself than I did before. There is something else too, though.

I couldn't go back to sleep last night after my second trip to relieve my bladder. I laid in bed thinking about these feelings and trying to find the words to describe them. My fear in 'saying' them out loud is that they will be misunderstood, misinterpreted, judged, by whoever I say them to, including possibly even in my own mind. But I need to get them out, so that I can work thru them, and let them go.

I mentioned before that this ivf cycle has been hard on ML. A renewed grief has reared its head, and I don't know quite how to deal with it. There are little comments that I am carrying around with me, comments that I want to respect because I know that they are coming from a place of honesty of the loss and grief and fear of this experience. I might be overly sensitive, and this text doesn't begin to convey the tone and context of the conversations. I haven't yet spoken to ML about how I feel, but I will.

After the transfer, when we got in the car to head home, ML handed me the embryo printout and said "Here is the picture of your embryos."

The other night, laying in bed together, we were joking around about "the twins" and I asked ML if he loved them already. He replied, maybe jokingly, "No, I hate them."

Last night I reminded ML that we need to get a bed out of the garage for our new roommate, but that I wouldn't be able to help since I can't lift more than 10 lbs. I admit that I probably could have phrased the reminder better, but he gave me a really hard time about it- As if I shouldn't be trying so hard to protect these embryos' that are hopefully growing inside me.

Later, as we were watching TV together snuggled on the couch, I asked ML if he had any regrets. It was an open ended question, inviting a conversation about this cycle and our journey to start this family, but all I got in return was a "yeah, of course I have regrets."

And finally, as irrational and emotional as this might sound, I am upset that he is not doting on me more. This feels like an irrational thing to say only because he has been incredible, with me every step of the way, attending every appointment, prepping every shot, waiting on me hand and foot while I lived in the couch for a week. I'd be hard pressed to say what more I want from him, I just know that I 'feel' like I want 'more'.

Precautions - Coffee?

I am a coffee drinker. Every morning I emerge from bed and make myself comfortable on the couch with I slowly sip my morning cup of joe. There is just as much ritual as there is time for the caffeine to make its way through my system.

I love my morning cup of coffee. I used to have two, or even three cups some days, but when we really started ttc I made an effort to cut down to one cup... at least during the 2ww every month. I used to think that any baby I conceived would need to prove itself strong enough to survive my habits, and that there would always be another chance to conceive.  (I choke a little thinking that I could have ever thought that, but I did.)

All coffee restrictions went out the window between the time that we go the azoospermia diagnosis and last October when we did our first IUI. I even quit taking prenatals for a portion of that time. It was my way small of rebelling against our situation. (Like when I am upset I sometimes choose to not to brush my teeth before bed, as if that is a way to get back at the world for making me upset. Strange, I know.)

Even when we did our two IUI cycles I maintained my morning one cup of coffee ritual. I felt good about it, like it was a balanced decision. I didn't want to be too extreme about anything, and besides, I really loved my coffee. Dr Google also provided me with enough research to help me rationalize that one cup of coffee per day while pregnant was fine.

So now, here we are 2 day post my 3 day transfer (2dp3dt) and I can't bring myself to drink any coffee. My hesitation started the morning of our transfer. ML poured me a small cup delivered to me as I sat curled on the couch. I had a sip, but that was it. I wanted to drink it, I just couldn't. The dog accidentally knocked over the cup spilling my coffee all over the floor, and I actually felt good knowing that my cup was empty.

Then yesterday morning, I emerged from bed, shuffled to the kitchen, pulled a little white mug from the cupboard, reached for the hot coffee pot, but stopped short of pouring the delicious beverage into my mug. I rummaged around thinking that maybe I'd feel better about making a pot of decaf, but couldn't find any decaf grinds. Confused about what to do next I make a cup of hot chocolate. I needed... something!

What to do... I can at least get away without coffee if I don't have to be awake and leave the house before noon, but I have to go back to work tomorrow. Its going to be ugly for everyone if I try and do it without the caffeine!

I'm also a little hung up about letting myself get too extreme about anything. I know myself, and I know that I can get caught up in things. But, this possible pregnancy, I want to be able to let is be just what it is, not try to make it be anything more of less. I don't want to become one of those crazy obsessed pregnant women who freak out about every little thing.

I am curious to hear your opinions, but I don't expect that I'll be drinking any coffee anytime soon. I will pick up some decaf and see if I can rationalize that as a better option, one that allows me to maintain some semblance of normalcy for the time being. Or maybe the morning hot coco will become my new ritual.

Celebrating Health Reform

I am posting this today in celebration of the one year anniversary of the Affordable Care Act as part of the National Woman's Law Center and MomsRising Blog-aThon. 

Way back, even before we really started trying to get pregnant, I decided to find a local obgyn who I could start building a relationship with so that, when the time came, I would have a dr for my pregnancy. Little did I know that years later I'd still be trying, but that is besides the point of this story. 

Back in 2007 I was a successful small business owner running an industrial fruit brokerage business. My husband was busy working as a self-employed architect. We have always taken a lot of pride in being financially responsible, built a solid emergency fund, set up and made regular contributions to our retirement accounts, and each carried a high-deductible individual health insurance policy. We live frugally, but very comfortably and had made conscious decisions to build flexibility into our careers that would allow us to support our future family. 

We'd talked about starting a family, so I checked my health insurance plan to see which doctors were covered. You can imagine my surprise when I learned that my health insurance plan did not include any OB-GYN in the county where I live. The real shock set in when my insurance broker explained that the rules for individual plans were different from group health plans and that as a result almost all (98%) of the individual plans offered in my County excluded maternity coverage. 

As my broker reviewed the options availalbe for a plan that would include maternity coverage, it quickly became clear that the risk pool for these plans was limited to women who intended to become pregnant. The monthly premiums were over 5 times the amount my husband was paying and the deductibles approached $15,000 compared to the $3,500 deductable on my husbands plan. I could recall that we'd switched my husband to a non-maternity plan a year earlier in order to save a few dollars per month on his premium. 

I felt that my anatomy made me an expensive liability that was going to drain our hard earned savings and saddle our family with medical debt.  I felt like a second-class citizen at the mercy of decision makers who didn't care about my health, dreams or goals.  The more I learned, the more disheartened I felt with the whole system.

For us, the issue of maternity coverage has been resolved thanks to a new job I accepted in 2009 - with a large employer who offers an excellent group insurance plan. Ironically this new job will provide me with the maternity coverage I need to start a family, while ultimately preventing me from maintaining the work-life balance that will allow me to raise my future children. I will always be proud of the success I achieved as a small business owner. 

Considering that an estimated 50% of pregnancies are unplanned, and that no form of birth control is 100% effective, it is simply irresponsible for any woman of child-bearing age to carry health insurance that does not include maternity coverage.  

I testified before the California Assembly Health Committee in 2009 because the rules governing the Individual Health Insurance market, specifically as they relate to the exclusion of maternity coverage, prevent young couples like my husband and I, from being able to start a family without the threat of financial ruin or dependence on state subsidized programs. 

Over 60% of the births in my County are paid for by Medi-cal or other state subsidized programs. I urged our legislature pass legislation that would allow women to take responsibility for their own health care.

Without this legislation and without access to comprehensive individual health insurance that includes maternity, women will face growing challenges providing for their own basic health needs. The current system makes it exceptionally hard for women to take responsibility for their own health care, a necessary pursue their dreams as self-employed entrepreneurs and stay at home mothers.

So many of us lament the exclusion of infertility benefits from our health insurance plans, and that is something that we need to start speaking up about, but to think that we live in a society that doesn't value women and families enough to ensure that woman can purchase their own health insurance with assurance that it will cover their most basic health needs, well that just makes me sick.

California Senate Bill 155 has just been introduced to require individual insurance plans in California to include basic maternity coverage. Yeah, you read what I wrote correctly. Most individual insurance plans in California exclude coverage for basic maternity.  In fact most individual insurance plans across the country exclude maternity coverage, except in those states where is is mandated. Somewhere along the way, maternity coverage became classified as an extra, an unnecessary expense, and thousands of young women were left holding the bag.

Our new Insurance Commissioner Dave Jones came out early in support of SB 155 and even though similar legislation was vetoed by our previous Governor four years in a row, we have every reason to believe that our new governor Jerry Brown will sign the Bill this year. 

This is just one of the reasons that I fought so hard for the passage of the The Affordable Care Act. Come 2014, when this provision of the ACA becomes law, all women in all states will be guaranteed maternity coverage as a fundamental part of their health insurance.

Until then, we are on our own. I actually spent a good portion of this past weekend trying to figure out how to get maternity insurance coverage for a good friend who is ready to start her family. Our conclusion was that without state or federal legislation like SB155 or the ACA, she is out of luck.  


EDITED: For a complete list of posts celebrating Health Care Reform:
http://www.nwlc.org/our-blog/affordable-care-act-and-womens-health-blog-thon-–-posts

(Don't forget that every comment during my ivf cycle is an entry into my giveaway! Thank you!)

Precautions - Celibacy?

As we were getting our parting instructions after the transfer yesterday, the nurse stopped at the bullet that said "No intercourse or orgasm until otherwise instructed."

I wasn't surprised to see that listed as a precaution, since just days before they'd pierced the walls of my vag with big huge needles, leaving a stitch behind to close the wound. I wanted those wounds healed completely before welcoming anything else up in there, if you know what I mean!

The nurse wanted to draw my attention to the "until otherwise instructed" portion of the statement. She felt that it should be pointed out to me that, in the event of a pregnancy, the Dr will never instruct otherwise! This precaution will remain in place until week 12 when we are released to an OB, who may then choose to lift the ban.

Okay, time out. I've been reading these blogs for almost a year.
How in the world did I miss the fact that sex is banned for 3 months after IVF? 
How in the world was I not aware of this until yesterday afternoon?

Don't get me wrong, I am thrilled to follow ALL of the rules and precautions, I have a lot invested in this, but I sure as heck reserve the right to complain about it! and no, the irony of the face that not only did we not have sex to get pregnant, but we can't have sex once we are  does not escape me.

ML had stepped out of the room during the discussion with the nurse, so i had to break the news to him in the car on our way home. He was as shocked as I - I mean, three months is kind of a really long time! I texted/tweeted the girls (you know who you are) and got a ton of feedback affirming the 'precaution'. How could I have miss this before? I called my mom to tell her that the transfer went well, but also to pick her brain about why such a precaution might exist. She had some theories but was just guessing. I called Bestie to express my dismay.

I think the thing that I am most surprised about it that this was a surprise to me.  Is no one else writing about this? Do the Dr's think that this isn't the kind of thing that they might want to warn us about in advance?

(Don't forget that every comment during my ivf cycle is an entry into my giveaway! Thank you!)

Grow Embies Grow!

Transfer today went smooth and pain free = Happy Foxy :)

Of the ten fertilized eggs, eight were continuing to grow. We chose to transfer one 8 cell grade 1 embryo and one 7 cell grade 1 embryo.

There are still 3 more 7 cell grade 1 embryos, and three more below that, which we are going to grow for a few more days and freeze those that make it to blastocyst stage. It feels really reassuring to know that we might have some frozen embryos for future cycles.

I'm on couch rest for the next few days, and hope to have time to write up some of the many posts ruminating in my head.

This has been hard for ML, and I wish I knew what to do to be a better support to him. I spent a good portion of last year grieving our loss, but I think that this IVF process is making it all real for him and bringing up some of his grief now. He has always been scared about starting a family, and it is hard for me to know whether his expressions are of that fear or fear of our choice to use donor sperm. I know that everyone says that it does't matter when you finally meet your child, but I wish that I could hear those people talk more about the realities of this choice.

Wishing a big huge congratulations for Kakunna on the arrival of her Cricket. Her story has been a huge source of strength and inspiration for me.

(Don't forget that every comment during my ivf cycle is an entry into my giveaway! Thank you!)