(Wanda) Claire

Oh my golly goodness.

(Wanda) Claire arrived safely at my home tonight. She had a long trip, all the way from Bumpy Journey's home, packed tight in a little box full of goodies. I opened the box, sitting in my car in front of the Post Office, just overwhelmed with love. I can't even begin to describe how I felt.

The Box of Awesome

She is going to have such a great time visiting! I can't wait to show her all of my favorite places. First things first she met the pets.

The Blackness

Maya my Sweet Puppy

Foggy Whitesox - Yep she's still hanging out here :)

Do you remember in elementary school when there was a stuffed monkey that got to go home every weekend with one student and that student got to go on all sorts of exciting adventures with the stuffed monkey and then write about them in a little journal that followed the monkey?

Yeah, I kind of feel like the lucky student who got to keep the stuffed monkey over a long holiday break. So cool! (Wanda) Claire is going to have a great time visiting me these next few weeks, and instead of a crumbled old journal I'll photo document her vacation right here on this blog.

Bumpy, you have no idea. I wish I could hug you so big right now.

Prolactin

I got a call from the IVF nurse this afternoon. They just got back my day 3 bloodwork (which I had done originally in fall 2009 and all was normal). My prolactin levels were a little high (I should have asked her to fax me a copy of the results so I knew the exact number) and the Dr wants me to have it tested again. I fasted last time, by default since I hadn't had breakfast before I had my blood draw, and they specifically asked me to fast this time. 


I consulted Dr Google and learned that:
1) high prolactin can be a cause of infertility since prolactin inhibits FSH and gonadotropin with are necessary for ovulation. These hormones are necessary to help eggs develop and mature. Too much prolactin can prevent ovulation from being triggered; and
 2) about 10% of the population has a tumor on the pituitary gland (Prolactinoma) in their brain that controls the release of prolactin; and 
3) that serotonin stimulates the release of prolactin and thus SRRI's can cause higher prolactin levels. 


I sent an email to the nurse reminding her that I am taking 20mg of Lexapro (SRRI) and .25mg of Klonopin a few times a week. I'd asked my GP about these meds and was assured that they were safe until the third trimester and that the benefit outweighed any risk. 


I really was a blithering idiot from the time we got our azoos diagnosis until I started taking these meds last year. I really can't imagine getting thru IVF without them. I suppose that I will have to argue my case to the Dr tomorrow when he draws my blood. 


I could be wrong, but I really I think that I'll be okay once I am finally pregnant. The stress of not being able to get pregnant is the only reason I needed to take these meds in the first place. I am finally feeling like myself again, and just can't fathom the thought of living like a blithering idiot again. 


I'm not panicked, yet, but am considering panic as a viable option depending on the conversation that I have with the Dr tomorrow.

What do you Need?

My therapist asked me at my last visit "What do you need right now? What will you need during the IVF cycle?" I didn't have quick answers but agreed to think about those questions and come up with some answers. 


Our support group of family and friends tell us all the time "Just let us know what you need, how we can help." It is a nice thing for them to say, but I don't know how to respond. 


I've jokingly told my mom that I need her to advance male reproductive science by 20 years. and I know that she would if she could. 


They have been pretty incredible, actually, anticipating our needs, and showing heroic levels of compassion. They all know that silence means bad news or a bad mood, and reach out accordingly when I retreat into periods of depression. They ask me respectful questions about our next steps and carefully check with me before bringing the topic up. I couldn't ask for more, really.


When I stop and think about what I need, I find myself distracted by appreciation for all that I have already. Bringing myself back to the question... What do I need? Can I challenge myself to articulate the things that I have already and find words to ask for the things that I think might be helpful?

I bought myself a $3 bouquet of daffodils
at the Farmers Market on Tuesday. They
are so beautiful and fragrant and make
me smile every time I see them :)

• I need to know that I am not alone - literally. I need ML to attend appointments with me. I need to know that ML or other visitors will be able to stay with me at home after the ER/ET. 
• I need to know that there are people who will listen to me talk about this experience... on this blog, in support groups, on the phone, via emails, in person, etc. The more I can talk about this experience, the more I can normalize it, and the less traumatic it feels. 
• I need people to reach out to me when I retreat into myself - with phone calls, voice messages, text messages, cards, emails, and invitations. Call ML to make arrangements to come over to visit if you can't get me on the phone...or just show up and give me a hug.
• I need people to help me 'care for me'. There are so many things on my mind and I need help acting on the things that nourish me. Pick me up and take me to farmers market for good food, cook good meals with me, make a massage/spa date with me, take me to an exercise class with you, the point being that I need you to take the lead in planning these nurturing activities for me. 
• I need to laugh and smile. Funny cards, Funny movies, giggles with Little One, etc 
• I need permission to say no. I have a limited emotional capacity and am doing my best to ration it out. 
• I need to get out of our routine every so often. A road trip, a different restaurant, mini vacations... I get into ruts at home, and a change of scenery does wonders for my perspective.

I'm sure that there is more. Things that I need specifically from our RE, from my therapist, from ML... But this is my start. What would you add?

Tagged Again

I got tagged by Jacki and Les. Months ago. and I'll bet they thought that I ignored them. But I didn't. Here goes...


1. What would your college major be if you could go back to school and choose one (make one up if you want) without having to worry about finding a job in the field?
First of all I will never ever go back to school. Ekkk. ML and I thought about taking some real estate classes and I nearly had a full blown panic attack when we walked into the lecture hall. School was always a challenge. I had to work hard, but I did and I even graduated early. In my family, college was always an expectation. I chose my major so that I'd have the best chances at getting accepted to the school I wanted to attend - it had nothing to do with getting a future job. In all reality my real intention in going to college was to meet my future husband. I have never had any dream job. The only future I'd ever pictured was one as a stay at home mom, PTA volunteer, and pee-wee soccer coach. I ended up getting my BS in Business Admin, which has served me well. 

2. What was the most embarrassing trend you followed during your high school days.
I am sure that there were many! For better or worse there is a lot that I have forgotten about High School. I even lost my yearbooks the summer after graduation. geez.


3. Describe the house where you grew up. Would you live there again if it came up for sale?
My dad was in the military and we moved quite a bit. By the time I was 12, I'd lived in 12 different homes. My mom was incredible and she made every house we lived in our home. My parents finally bought a house when I was almost finished with high school, which is where my mom still lives today, but I don't have any real attachment to the actual house.


On the other hand, my grandparents had a home that I would live in in a heartbeat if it ever came back up for sale and I could afford it (which I never would be able to). It was a huge old Mediterranean style home on the most perfect beautiful lot in a lovely town right near the ocean. It was originally purchased by my grandma's father and had been the family home for generations. I have so many wonderful and loving memories of that place, and have grown up hearing stories of the mayhem caused by my dad and uncles and aunt in that home. In fact, I think I dreamt about my grandpa's old study last night. They ended up selling it, which was probably for the best, but I would live there in a heartbeat if the opportunity ever presented itself. 

5. What concert would you love to see? What's the best one you've ever seen?
I love concerts and live music. The first concert I ever saw was Paula Abdul. Bestie and I won tickets on the radio, and must have been in middle school. It was awesome. 


Then in High School I saw REM with two of my sisters friends. That show was really awesome. To this day REM is one of my favorite bands, and I am in love with Michael Stipe. 


Then in college, after I met ML, he started taking me to see Phish, and String Cheese, and Yonder, and Galactic, and STS9, and Tea Leaf Green and so many more live shows. Last Fall we saw Phish for Halloween and had a really amazing fantastic time. It rates up there as one of my all time favorite shows. 

6. You're going on a 1-week vacation, but you can't take anyone with you. Where do you go, and what do you do there? Or do you give up the trip?
No way would I go on a vacation by myself. Are you kidding me, that sounds terrible! I am not a fan of being alone, under just about any circumstance. It would suck to give up a vacation, but there wouldn't even be a second thought.


7. Glass half-full or glass half-empty?
My glass is usually very full. overflowing with goodness. But when it runs dry, it is bone dry.


Now that you know me a little better than you did before, its your turn to share. If you are reading this, consider yourself tagged! 


I'm off to call the RE to let them know that my cycle started yesterday. deep breaths. peace within. I can do this.

Peace Within

"May today there be peace within. 


May you trust that you are exactly where you are meant to be. 


May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith in yourself and others. 


May you use the gifts that you have received, and pass on the love that has been given to you. 


May you be content with yourself just the way you are. 


Let this knowledge settle into your bones, and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise and love. 


It is there for each and every one of us."


I've received this poem via email a few times of the past few years, always at a time when it meant so much to me, so much more than the sender could have ever intended or known. I start my cycle today about a week before I was expecting it. It has me in a slight state of panic because I start BC with this cycle. I thought I had a few more days before the IVF plans were 'for real'. But here we are. We start today. And this perfect poem was waiting for me in my inbox tonight. May I have peace within.


My heart is with my friend StarFishKittyDreams this week. Sending her so much love and comfort and hope. and peace within.

My March IVF Cycle

So, yeah, i don't know why, but this post has been next to impossible to write...

We decided to do a March IVF cycle.

There, I said it, on my blog. I really don't know why it was so hard to write that.

After our last negative IUI we were really disappointed. It really hit us harder than we expected. and so we talked, ML brought it up actually, that we skip ahead to ivf, or at least ask the dr about it. I called and they got in in for an appt the next day.

The plan had been to do 4 iui's before moving forward with ivf. But it turns out that we just can't bring ourselves to have any more negatives than necessary. We needed better odds.

We signed up (and paid 50%) of a two cycle package. Two ivf's plus any fets's. While I am relieved on soem level, I am totally freaked out on another level. This feels like such a HUGE step to be taking. I want it, but it just feels SO overwhelming. I am honestly having a hard time getting my head around it, and thus a hard time actually posting about it here.

I had my pre-ivf ultrasound last week, and totally fell apart at the office visit. ML wasn't able to come with me to the appt, and as I sat there, waiting for the dr, with a paper gown, waiting by myself, for what felt like forever, my mind got the best of me. By the time the dr came in I was in a state of near panic, and started crying as soon as the exam was over. The office staff responded heroically, but it was too late.

At our appt with the IVF nurse this week, the dr came out and informed ML that he was required to attend all future appointments. We have our calendar, the meds start on March 8th, and the ER will be sometime the week of March 17th... is this really for real?

So, yeah, thats what I've been NOT writing about. but I just did. because I am that strong. I can do this. I know I can.



(And due to this new plan I won't be making it to Vegas for the awesome infertile weekend. But I would love, more now than ever, a Central/Northern California meet-up sometime in February. Anyone interested?)

Meet me in Vegas?

I read a blurb on LFCA about a Vegas retreat for infertile ladies that was in the works. I love Vegas and have wanted so desperately to have a chance to meet and spend some time with other ladies who understood this journey. I have dreamt  of organizing such an event myself, but haven't been un to the task. I found my way back to the post  referenced in LFCA that introduced the retreat and had shivers as I read it.


An excerpt from that post by Shelby at The Great Big If says: 
I invite all IF ladies. Whether you are newly diagnosed and have not been through treatment, whether you are in the throes of treatment, whether you have a kid or two at home, whether you have chosen to live child free, whether you are in the beginning stages of adoption or are newly paper pregnant, whether you have no idea where you are, or anywhere in between all that I've mentioned (or even a combination of the above), I invite you to enjoy the partnership and connection of those who 'get you' much more than many do.  There is already an amazing group of IF ladies who have committed to this and they alone are with the trip out. So if IF has found a place in your life, I know you could use a place to unwind. Let the ladies coming to FIF 2011 help you do just that!

If you're seriously interested in joining us, please let me know at redrivershel at gmail dot com. Everyone is coordinating (ie paying for) their own travel and lodging arrangements, but I want to make sure that we all keep in touch.


I immediately emailed her to let her know that I want to come, depending on our treatment timeline, of course. Vegas is a (relatively cheap) direct flight from almost anywhere in the county, and there are so many fine places to stay and be entertained, as well as some world class spa's that I've been wanting to visit. 


Shelby is advertising a ladies weekend, but there is a good chance that ML will join me, since I don't travel by myself so well, and we have a voucher for the Wynn :) My plan is to be pregnant by mid March, so there will be no libations for me, just lots of relaxation by the pool and at the spa.


There are so many of you who I've met online this past year who I feel so close to, who I would give anything to spend a weekend with, talking and sharing beyond the barrier of this computer screen. I know that it is asking a lot, but if it possible, I'd love to extend an invitation to YOU to come along. It would be the highlight of my year (behind my upcoming pregnancy, of course!) to meet you in person. 


Ohhh, I am excited!

Reality TV Junkie

yep, I admit it. I am a reality tv junkie.

Katie wrote a post curiously asking "WHAT on EARTH is the obsession in the IF community with shows like Teen Mom and 16 and Pregnant?"

Oh Katie, if only I knew the answer to that question. What I do know is that I do watch both of those shows. (Toddlers and Tierra's is another guilty indulgence.)  I don't know why I watch. I just know that I do. I record them on the dvr and watch them on the nights that I can't fall asleep, and sometimes on the weekends in the morning when I don't want to get out of bed.

I watched the entire first season of 16 and Pregnant the morning before I had to go to a good friends baby shower. I stayed curled up in bed until after the shower had started, watching tyler and caitlen choose adoption for their daughter, with a pillow wet from tears. (and then arrived late to the shower that I also left early from.) After watching Ashley's episode in the second season, I spent a whole day of Christmas break reading her blog.

I've thought long and hard about a response to Katie's question, and can't seem to come up with a good answer.

Maybe it is because these shows make me feel. Maybe because I live vicariously thru them. Maybe because I just want what they have so much. Maybe because they make me cry. Maybe because it reminds me that we all have our struggles and maybe because I feel like having a child when you are not ready is an ironically similar life crisis to being told that you can't have a child when you are ready.

Maybe these are reason why I watch, but none of them really seem very compelling. Most of the comments in response to Katie's post were from ladies who don't watch those shows, so I didn't get any clues there.

I know that I am not the only one who watches. Does anyone else have a better answer?

Bragging is cool, right?

So much for anonymity...  I was featured on the front page of our local Sunday newspaper! (the link will only be active for a limited time only, and then I will reclaim my privacy on this blog, so please don't repost the link or my personal info.) But I couldn't resist sharing!!!

Ironically, it was an article about gender discrimination in the individual insurance market, specifically the exclusion of maternity coverage from most plans. In California, we are celebrating the end of gender discrimination pricing thanks to a new law that went into effect this month. National health care reform will provide the same protection and also require the inclusion of maternity coverage on all insurance plans throughout the county in 2014.

Before we even started trying to conceive, I started researching local OB's, thinking that I would find one who I could start building a relationship with via my annuals. It turned out that my individual insurance plan didn't cover any OB's in my county. I figured that I could just get a different plan, only to discover that most plans excluded maternity coverage. It was apparently a loophole exploited by the individual market. The more questions I asked, the more bizarre the answers got. (There was a state program that would cover maternity costs once I was pregnant, but only if ML and I got divorced...)

I really couldn't understand how it was possible that being a woman could be such an explicit liability.

I ended up getting connected with a lobbyist who worked with the state Commission on the Status of Women and the ACOG. She connected me with a legislator who was sponsoring legislation to close the loophole. I testified on two different occasions to the Assembly Health Committee. This is now the fifth(?) article that I've been quoted in. The issue needed a face and a personal story and essentially adopted me as their human interest story.

It is pretty incredible that this law has passed in California. It took the voices of many, and I am proud that my voice was one of them.

It is also ironic that this is part of my story. I just hope that someday I will have the confidence and strength to add my voice to the infertility awareness and insurance coverage movement.

Until then, I'm on the front page of our local newspaper!!!

Lurking Welcome

I totally missed International Blog Delurking Week, but really like the idea that there is a special effort once a year to encourage silent readers to find their voice. I know that for a long time before I started this blog I read and drew strength from the stories of others without ever leaving a comment behind. It took me a long time to feel strong enough to find my own voice and to be able to join the conversation. The women whose stories I followed but never commented on may never know what they meant to me, but I will be forever grateful to them for allowing me to lurk on their sites. 

Starting this blog was a HUGE step for me in regaining a sense of control over this journey. It gave me a place to share my my thoughts and emotions. and then, when I started receiving comments from other women who understood me, well that was like the most amazing thing ever. I went from feeling so isolated and alone, to feeling like I'd found a place where I was implicitly understood. It was amazing. 

I do love comments. I love receiving them, and I also love giving them. I always try to follow the links back to the blogs of those who comment, but there are a few of you who don't have blog or a way to send you an email from your blogger profile. I love your comments, and would love a way to continue the comment conversation. For anyone who reads silently and isn't comfortable 'publicly' commenting, feel free to email me at foxypopcorn@gmail.com.

I guess what I really what to say is WELCOME LURKERS! All of you. Any of you. Anyone who finds comfort or strength from my story is welcome here, whether you comment or not.  

And finally, this post wouldn't be complete without 'replying' to a few specific commenters... 

Rebekah - Sorry about your recent negative :(  I really love your comments! Do you have a blog? Your blogger profile says that it is 'not available'... Or would you be comfortable sharing an email address so that I can reply directly to your comments? 

Anonymous - Thanks so much for your recent comment. It was the first anon comment that I've received, and the first time that I actually thought about the silent readers who might be following my story. Your story is pretty incredible. Congratulations on your Twins!