Bragging is cool, right?

So much for anonymity...  I was featured on the front page of our local Sunday newspaper! (the link will only be active for a limited time only, and then I will reclaim my privacy on this blog, so please don't repost the link or my personal info.) But I couldn't resist sharing!!!

Ironically, it was an article about gender discrimination in the individual insurance market, specifically the exclusion of maternity coverage from most plans. In California, we are celebrating the end of gender discrimination pricing thanks to a new law that went into effect this month. National health care reform will provide the same protection and also require the inclusion of maternity coverage on all insurance plans throughout the county in 2014.

Before we even started trying to conceive, I started researching local OB's, thinking that I would find one who I could start building a relationship with via my annuals. It turned out that my individual insurance plan didn't cover any OB's in my county. I figured that I could just get a different plan, only to discover that most plans excluded maternity coverage. It was apparently a loophole exploited by the individual market. The more questions I asked, the more bizarre the answers got. (There was a state program that would cover maternity costs once I was pregnant, but only if ML and I got divorced...)

I really couldn't understand how it was possible that being a woman could be such an explicit liability.

I ended up getting connected with a lobbyist who worked with the state Commission on the Status of Women and the ACOG. She connected me with a legislator who was sponsoring legislation to close the loophole. I testified on two different occasions to the Assembly Health Committee. This is now the fifth(?) article that I've been quoted in. The issue needed a face and a personal story and essentially adopted me as their human interest story.

It is pretty incredible that this law has passed in California. It took the voices of many, and I am proud that my voice was one of them.

It is also ironic that this is part of my story. I just hope that someday I will have the confidence and strength to add my voice to the infertility awareness and insurance coverage movement.

Until then, I'm on the front page of our local newspaper!!!

Lurking Welcome

I totally missed International Blog Delurking Week, but really like the idea that there is a special effort once a year to encourage silent readers to find their voice. I know that for a long time before I started this blog I read and drew strength from the stories of others without ever leaving a comment behind. It took me a long time to feel strong enough to find my own voice and to be able to join the conversation. The women whose stories I followed but never commented on may never know what they meant to me, but I will be forever grateful to them for allowing me to lurk on their sites. 

Starting this blog was a HUGE step for me in regaining a sense of control over this journey. It gave me a place to share my my thoughts and emotions. and then, when I started receiving comments from other women who understood me, well that was like the most amazing thing ever. I went from feeling so isolated and alone, to feeling like I'd found a place where I was implicitly understood. It was amazing. 

I do love comments. I love receiving them, and I also love giving them. I always try to follow the links back to the blogs of those who comment, but there are a few of you who don't have blog or a way to send you an email from your blogger profile. I love your comments, and would love a way to continue the comment conversation. For anyone who reads silently and isn't comfortable 'publicly' commenting, feel free to email me at foxypopcorn@gmail.com.

I guess what I really what to say is WELCOME LURKERS! All of you. Any of you. Anyone who finds comfort or strength from my story is welcome here, whether you comment or not.  

And finally, this post wouldn't be complete without 'replying' to a few specific commenters... 

Rebekah - Sorry about your recent negative :(  I really love your comments! Do you have a blog? Your blogger profile says that it is 'not available'... Or would you be comfortable sharing an email address so that I can reply directly to your comments? 

Anonymous - Thanks so much for your recent comment. It was the first anon comment that I've received, and the first time that I actually thought about the silent readers who might be following my story. Your story is pretty incredible. Congratulations on your Twins! 

The Grateful Said

Have you seen Mel's newest community project: The Grateful Said!  I LOVE it!


I knew exactly which comment to submit. I love all of the comments that I've received this past year, (I really, really mean that,) but there was one that really meant so much to me when I received it and has continued to serve as a source of strength and encouragement. 


Thank you again Augusta for the loving supportive words you left for me this summer on my "My Scarlet Pain" post. 


*****
On a related, yet not totally, topic I recently stumbled upon Mel's "How to Leave a Good Comment" post series.  (Part 1, Part 2)


My most wonderful ML often asks me what I'm doing as I sit on the couch with my feet up typing away on my laptop. More often than not I'm commenting. ML now knows all about the special commenting week and also how much I love the comments that I receive. 


Since I love commenting so much and since Mel posed some discussion questions in her Good Comments posts, I am sharing my answers with you. 


What does commenting mean to you?  Why do you comment?  Hmmm. To be honest, I see comments as a place for me to process what I have read. I read a post and it gets me things, and right there is a space that is inviting me to share those thoughts. So I do it for myself, because writing is such an amazing way to organize my thoughts.  There is an element of giving back too. This online community has given me SO much, and for SO long I took without offering anything back, now I have the strength to pay it forward. And finally, I feel like some of you have become friends, and commenting is kind of like how we chat with each other.


What are your thoughts on new commenters (if they do so thoughtfully) especially those outside your experience (for instance, someone commenting on an adoption post though they’re doing IUIs)? What about long-time commenters leaving simple comfort on a post when their experience is far outside your own?  I love new commenters. I love long-time commenters. Whatever their experience, if they are moved by something that I have written and feel compelled to leave a comment, I welcome it. I know that it is hard sometimes when I'm on a new blog to know exactly what the history is and what the personality of the author is, and I do try to be a bit more careful in what I comment on. My general expectation is that a new commenter will read the summary that I have posted on my sidebar before commenting, so that they know what our diagnosis and treatment plan are. I try to do the same, but sometime there isn't much info to work with. Other times there just aren't any words that express the support that we want to give, and in that case, I think that a very simple "thinking about you" is appropriate to at least let the author know that they have been heard. Almost every comment I've ever read, on my blog or others, has been made with good intentions and deep compassion, and I so appreciate the way that this community supports its members. 


Do you ever close your comment box on a post?  I never have, but I totally reserve the right to do so! :) and I totally respect the choice of anyone to close their comments at any time for any reason. (Same thing goes for deleting comments. This is my space and I wouldn't hesitate for a minute to delete a comment that made me feel uncomfortable.)


Do you feel comfortable commenting on a new blog and what makes you feel like a comment is welcome vs. strangers keep out? After I started writing, there wasn't anything that could stop me. I leave comments on almost every blog I visit - maybe not every post I read. I love the 'conversation'. There is almost always something that the author has said that I can connect with and that gets me thinking about this journey in a new way. I guess that there are times when I am on a blog that has been around for a long time and has its own cadre of "friends" and I hesitate to join the conversation, but I usually get over myself and leave a comment anyway. The thing that really makes me feel 'welcome' is after I leave a comment and the original blogger comes back to my blog and leaves a comment. 


Do you think there should be a timetable for commenting?  nope, no timetable. no pressure. There are days and weeks when I have comments to share, and other times when i just don't. I think that comments should flow like conversation. Sometimes there is something to say and sometimes there isn't, and sometimes there is more to say later. 


Is it ever too late to leave a comment on a post if you don’t close your comment box after a given amount of time?  Oh my gosh, I've left a gazillon comments long after the post was written. I gain so much out of the stories that are shared here and often that includes reading back from the beginning of a blog. When a post hits home for me, I always try to leave a little note, no matter how long ago it was originally posted. 


What do you think about short comments that simply express sorrow or happiness for you?  I love them. I love the feeling of not being alone in my emotions. I love knowing that there are others out there who hear me and who understand. Sometimes the things I share here are not shared anywhere else, and the comments I receive are feedback that let me know I am in good company. 


What is some other advice you would offer on how to leave a good comment?
Compassionate, sincere, relevant, honest. Be those things, and your comments will be amazing and perfect. 


Do you hate the "Captcha" spam deterrent technology? (Mel didn't ask this question but I've been wanting to comment on it, so I'm adding it to the list here.) I HATE those captcha things. I get them wrong all the time and actually lose comments regularly because I am too lame at completing the captcha correctly. I don't have one on my comments and have never received a spam... Are those things really necessary? 


In closing, Three Cheers for Mel and The Grateful Said.  What was YOUR favorite comment from 2010?

The Bank Ad

I came across this commercial the other day and have kept the tab up in my browser since. I think that means that I have to share it, because clearly it means something to me.

(Unfortunately I can't remember whose blog I found it on originally, because I would love to give credit where it is due. If you are reading this, please leave a comment and thank you for sharing this!)

It is a little commercial for a bank that tells the story of a couple trying to conceive. In such a short little clip they do a great job of touching on the emotions of this journey.

http://www.bestadsontv.com/ad/32663/ASB-Bank-The-hub

On the homefront, ML and I are feeling pretty discouraged after this last failed IUI. On the one hand we realize that we've only had two months of 'trying', but on the other hand if feels like the financial and emotional bleeding just needs to stop already. We met with RE on Thursday to talk about our options, and, well, I need a little time to process everything, but I think that we might be taking a detour from the plan.

I'll be thinking and writing and drinking mimosas today, so another post will be coming soon.

Mimosas, My Friends?

No miracle for us this month. 

So instead of a champagne toast, I’m having a mimosa.

Would you care to join me?

It is what it is, once again.

We are okay. Bummed, but alright. 

The third time is a charm, right?

My Infertility Bookshelf

I introduced the "2011 Book Exchange" earlier this week. I hope that you all consider participating!


There are a few books that I will be keeping on my bookshelf, books that I would highly recommend. If you have any that you'd highly recommend, let me know. I'd love to add them to my collection. I am also starting to think about the books that I will someday share with my child to help us tell them the story of their conception. If you have any suggestions for those books please let me know.


My Favorite Infertility Books 
Navigating the Land of IF by Melissa Ford


This is my favorite. I've shared it with my mom, my sister, and my bestie. The awesome Melissa Ford covered all of the things that I was struggling with and made me feel that I had a trusted friend to advise me about how to deal with finding myself stranded on the IF island. I got this book before I found Mel and this online community, and I knew that I'd found someone who understood and could help me explain what this experience was like to others. Anyone (infertile of not!) who doesn't yet have this book should buy one ASAP. 












Helping the Stork  (Vercollone, Moss, and Moss c1997)

This is one of only two books that I have found that deals with the choice to use donor insemination. I read it in anticipation that it might be our path to a family, and appreciated all of the different bits of advice it offered. It really helped me start to get my head around DS as an option and what it might mean for us as a family. Now that we are headed down this path, I want to read it again, and see if I can get ML to read it too. I would definitely recommend this book to anyone who might be facing this choice.


Mommies, Daddies, Donors, Surrogates (Ehrensaft c2005)

This is the only other book that I have found that is focused exclusively on the issues facing families who grow with the help of others. I didn't like it as much as "Helping the Stork" but it does bring up some good things to think about and consider if this is going to be your path. 


Unsung Lullabies ( Jaffe, Diamond, and Diamond c2005)

It took me a while before I was ready to read this book. But when I was, It gave me some of the tools I needed to explore how I was feeling about this experience and to understand that these feelings are rooted deeply in who I am. I had to take this book in small doses because reading it gave me a lot to think about. It is one that I will keep on my bookself and come back to on occasion as I feel ready to do more inner-work and continue processing the complex emotions that this journey brings with it. 




Whats on your bookshelf that you LOVE?

Why i think i'm pregnant

I am 13 day since my IUI. I love thinking that I could be pregnant. My beta is scheduled for Wednesday afternoon.

These are the reasons why I think I am pregnant...

• my boobs are sore/achy
• my nipples are really sore/hurty (this is not normal for me)
• my lower back and hips are a little achy
• i am extra thirsty and i can't drink enough to make my lips not dry
• i feel lightheaded/dizzy (I attribute this one to the estrogen)
• my pee smells different
• i've had just a few mild cramps and twinges

I am feeling good. Looking forward to these next few days of loving my body and my (imaginary?) pregnancy symptoms.

love to all,

A Book Exchange

I had some time over the holiday to get some cleaning done. I now have a pile of things to send away to goodwill, and another pile of things that need to be returned to their home of origin. 


I also have a small pile of books that I'd like to pass along to some of my bloggy friends. I'm thinking that maybe this could become an informal book exchange of sorts. Not a one-to one exchange, just a chance for me to post the books I have to share and others to do the same, and somehow all the books end up with good new homes. 


So if you want to participate, just leave a comment with a link to your "Book Exchange" blog post. I'll update this post to list everyone who is participating with links to your "virtual bookshelf". In your "Book Exchange" blog post be sure to include a link back to this post, a list of the books you have for exchange, and your email address so that interested parties can send you their mailing information. The books on my list are mostly infertility related, but this exchange is not limited to IF books. 


Introducing the most awesome 2011 Book Exchange participants:
1. Foxy
 2. YOU!!!




And now, Here is my Virtual Bookshelf...

What To Do When you Can't Get Pregnant 
(Potter and Hanin c2005)
Rated almost 5 stars with 50 reviews on Amazon.


This is a great book for someone who is just beginning the process and needs a general overview of what might lie ahead of them. It has lots of good information, but is a few years old now. 

Budgeting for Infertility 

(Sterling and Best-Boss c2009)

Rated 5 stars with 4 reviews on Amazon

I was actually a little disappointed with this book. I was expecting more details about the reasonable costs of procedures, how to navigate the billing and insurance codes, and how to negotiate discounts with our clinic.  It has much more general information about budgeting in general.


Overcoming Male Infertility
(Schover and Thomas c2000)
Rated nearly 5 stars with 9 reviews on Amazon


This was one of the first books that I bought when we got out azoos diagnosis. It has some good general information, and helped me form some of our initial questions. It is another good book for someone just starting on the journey of testing.





So if you'd like one of my books, send me an email with your mailing address to foxypopcorn@gmail.com. And thanks for helping me finnish this clean-put process!

Happy New Year - A look back

When we got married in March of 2004 we were immediately inundated with the next big question - "When are you going to have a baby?". We knew that we weren't yet ready to start a family, not really sure when we would be, but knew that we had to have an answer to this question.

Not so much because it was our plan, but because we knew that the question wouldn't go away until we answered it, we started telling people - "5 years. We'll start our family in 2009." It was awesome. We pulled it off with such confidence that everyone backed off. Five years felt like a ton of time.

We've never used real birth control, because the pill always made me feel sick (and for whatever reason the idea of controlling my hormones like that just kind of freaked me out.) We used condoms for a long time, then sometime in 2005 or 2006 switched to the "pull and pray" method (aka withdrawal.) It worked for us, and while we weren't planning to get pregnant, I think that I was ready, and we both knew that it was a possibility. This method basically put ML in control of determining when the pull the trigger, so to speak.

After a couple of, what I thought at the time were going to be fateful, moments in 2007, we abandoned any method of prevention in January of 2008. I was grateful that we'd 'bought' ourselves this time to privately share the love and excitement. Everyone assumed that we were waiting until 2009 to start trying. I assumed that we would be welcoming a new addition to our family in 2009.

2009 was supposed to be such a great year.

Instead, 2009 started us on our infertility journey. I started a challenging new job. ML remained out of work watching the job market collapse (after losing his job in Nov 2008). We got ML's Azoospermia diagnosis in July, in September my bestie gave birth to little one, then a biopsy showed that there was no sperm production in October, and over Thanksgiving our beloved dog got sick and after a week in the Veterinary ICU we had to say goodbye. It was like we had become a punching bag and life just kept hitting us. I actually walked around holding my breath and physically bracing myself for the next hit.

I counted the hours until 2009 was behind us.

All I asked of 2010 was that the hits stopped coming at us. I didn't expect much. I was in shock from the trauma of 2009 and just needed a break. And all things considered, 2010 offered me just what I needed. I reorganized my support team so that it provided me the strength that I needed. I gained so many new coping skills, and have slowly regained control over my life.

The end of 2010 has brought work for ML (with a few additional projects lining up for 2011) and the chance for us to finally begin actually trying to start our family.  I really do have so much to be grateful for.

We have been able to afford all of the treatment costs we've incurred this year. Which is amazing really since ML was out of work for so long, but somehow we've done it without eating into our savings. Don't get me wrong, it does make me a little sick to see that 25% of our gross income has been spent on infertility treatment, but the stronger feeling is of gratitude. I am beyond grateful that our choices have not been driven by financial restrictions.

My relationship with ML is stronger than ever. I love him more than I ever thought possible. We've been through so much together in these past couple years. The stress of infertility, of male factor infertility, coupled with unemployment definitely qualified for the "worse" portion of our vows!

I have a newfound sense of self. A confidence that I am stronger than I ever gave myself credit for being. This journey is no longer happening to me, it is mine, it is who I am. And while I may not be able to control the things that happen, I can control the way that I frame them.

This is my story to write.

Happy New Year.

Dearest Bestie

Dearest Bestie,

Congratulations. From the depths of my soul I am so excited about your big announcement. It is the most wonderful news that a family could want, and I feel overwhelmed with love for you and the new life that is growing inside of you. 

Little One is the most precious little girl. I love being her auntie and watching her grow and giggling with her, too. I love watching you be her mother and seeing how beautifully you attend to her needs. She is going to be a wonderful big sister.

This was always your plan. You always knew that you’d have two, and that they’d be about two years apart. I knew that this announcement was imminent. I even had a dream last week that you were pregnant. 

I knew that it wasn’t fair when I told you (and my sister) that you couldn’t get pregnant before me. I knew it wasn’t fair, but I said it because it was how I felt. Nothing about it was fair, that I put such an unfair condition on you, or that I felt desperate enough to start my own family that I would ever say something so unfair to you. I am so sorry for the anguish that statement caused you. It just wasn’t fair. 

My heart broke as you delivered such wonderful news to me with such sadness. Your compassion for me has been incredible, and yet I hate that my struggle negatively overshadows what should wonderful moments in our lives.

To be honest, I didn’t know how I would feel when I got this news. These past few years I’ve been betrayed by my reactions and caught unprepared to deal with unexpected responses to normal wonderful things, like christmas cards for example. My reactions have not been fair or predictable, and have taken me captive on too many occasions. 

When I said that you couldn’t get pregnant again until after I got pregnant, I really meant it. I want so much to be pregnant and start our family, and it is hard to see that other people can have this thing that I want so much with seemingly little effort. And yet, at the same time, there is no way that I could say something like that and really mean it. I want you to have everything you want. And just as I know that you would do anything to help make my dreams come true, I would do the same for you. 

I want you to know that I am full of nothing but joy for you right now. I love you and cherish our friendship. I really am overjoyed that you will be having another beautiful little one (or two, hehe.) 

With a little luck I won’t be far behind you, ideally if this cycle works it’ll only be 5 weeks or so. And even if this cycle is a bust and we continue on our journey, I have faith for the first time since we started trying that eventually, one way or another, our children will someday play together. Until then I am so blessed to call you my Bestie. 

I love you, and Congratulations!