A Book Exchange

I had some time over the holiday to get some cleaning done. I now have a pile of things to send away to goodwill, and another pile of things that need to be returned to their home of origin. 


I also have a small pile of books that I'd like to pass along to some of my bloggy friends. I'm thinking that maybe this could become an informal book exchange of sorts. Not a one-to one exchange, just a chance for me to post the books I have to share and others to do the same, and somehow all the books end up with good new homes. 


So if you want to participate, just leave a comment with a link to your "Book Exchange" blog post. I'll update this post to list everyone who is participating with links to your "virtual bookshelf". In your "Book Exchange" blog post be sure to include a link back to this post, a list of the books you have for exchange, and your email address so that interested parties can send you their mailing information. The books on my list are mostly infertility related, but this exchange is not limited to IF books. 


Introducing the most awesome 2011 Book Exchange participants:
1. Foxy
 2. YOU!!!




And now, Here is my Virtual Bookshelf...

What To Do When you Can't Get Pregnant 
(Potter and Hanin c2005)
Rated almost 5 stars with 50 reviews on Amazon.


This is a great book for someone who is just beginning the process and needs a general overview of what might lie ahead of them. It has lots of good information, but is a few years old now. 

Budgeting for Infertility 

(Sterling and Best-Boss c2009)

Rated 5 stars with 4 reviews on Amazon

I was actually a little disappointed with this book. I was expecting more details about the reasonable costs of procedures, how to navigate the billing and insurance codes, and how to negotiate discounts with our clinic.  It has much more general information about budgeting in general.


Overcoming Male Infertility
(Schover and Thomas c2000)
Rated nearly 5 stars with 9 reviews on Amazon


This was one of the first books that I bought when we got out azoos diagnosis. It has some good general information, and helped me form some of our initial questions. It is another good book for someone just starting on the journey of testing.





So if you'd like one of my books, send me an email with your mailing address to foxypopcorn@gmail.com. And thanks for helping me finnish this clean-put process!

Happy New Year - A look back

When we got married in March of 2004 we were immediately inundated with the next big question - "When are you going to have a baby?". We knew that we weren't yet ready to start a family, not really sure when we would be, but knew that we had to have an answer to this question.

Not so much because it was our plan, but because we knew that the question wouldn't go away until we answered it, we started telling people - "5 years. We'll start our family in 2009." It was awesome. We pulled it off with such confidence that everyone backed off. Five years felt like a ton of time.

We've never used real birth control, because the pill always made me feel sick (and for whatever reason the idea of controlling my hormones like that just kind of freaked me out.) We used condoms for a long time, then sometime in 2005 or 2006 switched to the "pull and pray" method (aka withdrawal.) It worked for us, and while we weren't planning to get pregnant, I think that I was ready, and we both knew that it was a possibility. This method basically put ML in control of determining when the pull the trigger, so to speak.

After a couple of, what I thought at the time were going to be fateful, moments in 2007, we abandoned any method of prevention in January of 2008. I was grateful that we'd 'bought' ourselves this time to privately share the love and excitement. Everyone assumed that we were waiting until 2009 to start trying. I assumed that we would be welcoming a new addition to our family in 2009.

2009 was supposed to be such a great year.

Instead, 2009 started us on our infertility journey. I started a challenging new job. ML remained out of work watching the job market collapse (after losing his job in Nov 2008). We got ML's Azoospermia diagnosis in July, in September my bestie gave birth to little one, then a biopsy showed that there was no sperm production in October, and over Thanksgiving our beloved dog got sick and after a week in the Veterinary ICU we had to say goodbye. It was like we had become a punching bag and life just kept hitting us. I actually walked around holding my breath and physically bracing myself for the next hit.

I counted the hours until 2009 was behind us.

All I asked of 2010 was that the hits stopped coming at us. I didn't expect much. I was in shock from the trauma of 2009 and just needed a break. And all things considered, 2010 offered me just what I needed. I reorganized my support team so that it provided me the strength that I needed. I gained so many new coping skills, and have slowly regained control over my life.

The end of 2010 has brought work for ML (with a few additional projects lining up for 2011) and the chance for us to finally begin actually trying to start our family.  I really do have so much to be grateful for.

We have been able to afford all of the treatment costs we've incurred this year. Which is amazing really since ML was out of work for so long, but somehow we've done it without eating into our savings. Don't get me wrong, it does make me a little sick to see that 25% of our gross income has been spent on infertility treatment, but the stronger feeling is of gratitude. I am beyond grateful that our choices have not been driven by financial restrictions.

My relationship with ML is stronger than ever. I love him more than I ever thought possible. We've been through so much together in these past couple years. The stress of infertility, of male factor infertility, coupled with unemployment definitely qualified for the "worse" portion of our vows!

I have a newfound sense of self. A confidence that I am stronger than I ever gave myself credit for being. This journey is no longer happening to me, it is mine, it is who I am. And while I may not be able to control the things that happen, I can control the way that I frame them.

This is my story to write.

Happy New Year.

Dearest Bestie

Dearest Bestie,

Congratulations. From the depths of my soul I am so excited about your big announcement. It is the most wonderful news that a family could want, and I feel overwhelmed with love for you and the new life that is growing inside of you. 

Little One is the most precious little girl. I love being her auntie and watching her grow and giggling with her, too. I love watching you be her mother and seeing how beautifully you attend to her needs. She is going to be a wonderful big sister.

This was always your plan. You always knew that you’d have two, and that they’d be about two years apart. I knew that this announcement was imminent. I even had a dream last week that you were pregnant. 

I knew that it wasn’t fair when I told you (and my sister) that you couldn’t get pregnant before me. I knew it wasn’t fair, but I said it because it was how I felt. Nothing about it was fair, that I put such an unfair condition on you, or that I felt desperate enough to start my own family that I would ever say something so unfair to you. I am so sorry for the anguish that statement caused you. It just wasn’t fair. 

My heart broke as you delivered such wonderful news to me with such sadness. Your compassion for me has been incredible, and yet I hate that my struggle negatively overshadows what should wonderful moments in our lives.

To be honest, I didn’t know how I would feel when I got this news. These past few years I’ve been betrayed by my reactions and caught unprepared to deal with unexpected responses to normal wonderful things, like christmas cards for example. My reactions have not been fair or predictable, and have taken me captive on too many occasions. 

When I said that you couldn’t get pregnant again until after I got pregnant, I really meant it. I want so much to be pregnant and start our family, and it is hard to see that other people can have this thing that I want so much with seemingly little effort. And yet, at the same time, there is no way that I could say something like that and really mean it. I want you to have everything you want. And just as I know that you would do anything to help make my dreams come true, I would do the same for you. 

I want you to know that I am full of nothing but joy for you right now. I love you and cherish our friendship. I really am overjoyed that you will be having another beautiful little one (or two, hehe.) 

With a little luck I won’t be far behind you, ideally if this cycle works it’ll only be 5 weeks or so. And even if this cycle is a bust and we continue on our journey, I have faith for the first time since we started trying that eventually, one way or another, our children will someday play together. Until then I am so blessed to call you my Bestie. 

I love you, and Congratulations!

6dpo

I am 6 days post ovulation. Feeling very positive, not quite as positive as I was in my last 2ww, but still happy as a clam thinking that I could possibly be pregnant right now :)

As far as symptoms go, I attribute them all to progesterone and estrogen that I am taking. I've had a couple hot flashes that wake me up in the middle of the night. Just today I started getting that pre-nausea feeling. I was so tired this afternoon that I snuck away from the family and took a little nap-which was SO nice. My boobies are not sore, but they are feeling a little bit achy, in a hard to describe kind of way.  I must be fighting a cold too because I had a tickle in my throat yesterday and a full blown sore throat all day today. Bleghhh.

We are visiting ML's sister and her family for the holidays. She has a two year old little girl and a four year old little boy. They have SO MUCH energy! Christmas morning was so much fun, and I especially loved watching the kids play with the presents that I made for them. I'll have to post some pictures because I am so proud of these gifts I made.

I haven't had much to say, or much time to write this past week. I have been reading blogs though, and found a few new ones that I've been reading thru.
-The Life of Ashley - Ashley is on the new season of 16 and pregnant. She made the choice to adopt her daughter to her aunt and uncle. It was an episode that captivated me, just as Tyler and Caitlyn's did last season. She documented her journey on her blog, and I am finding it to be an insightful and interesting read.
-Amy just announced her new blog on the Resolve forum. I hope that she find the same kind of support that I have from this blog community. If you have a minute stop by and welcome her. She and I are both in our 2ww of our second IUI's.

 Merry Christmas! I hope that you all had a nice day with family and friends.

Rain and sleet make me happy!

Things are going pretty well here in my Foxy world. :)


ML and I spent the nicest weekend in the mountains with Bestie and her family. Her family is awesome. Crazy but awesome. Her parents were like second parents to me growing up, and her sister might as well be my sister.


It was raining on Saturday, and I grew out of rain skiing a few years back, so ML and I stayed at the lodge and watched Little One. (Well, I watched Little One while ML worked via the wi-fi connection.) She is walking now and much more vocal about her desires - to look at this, go here, go there, touch that, watch this, etc. We giggled a lot and finally she got tired and fell asleep in my arms. My heart just melts around that adorable little girl.


We were expecting a big storm on Sunday with lots of powder. Alas, we woke up to find that it was still too warm out and instead of powder we had a windy mess of rain and sleet. It was some nasty weather. So instead we stayed at the cabin, warm and dry. It was a wonderfully perfect day with wonderfully perfect people.


Bestie's sister is a graphic designer. Mostly she designs high-end wedding albums, but she is also one of the most creative gals I know. She gave me a mini lesson in digital design and digital scrapbooking. How cool is digital scrapbooking!!! I am inspired to give it a try, learn the basics of photoshop, and make  something awesome. I downloaded a few of the free digital kits from Shabby Princess to practice with last night. So much fun!


I'd love any ideas or suggestions about good sources of online tutorials and (free?) digital kits. Maybe I will design a Christmas/New Years Card after all :)


*****
UPDATE on Cycle #3...
I had my day 10 ultrasound yesterday. Two big follies were ready to go. I got my trigger shot and an appointment to return today and tomorrow for the iui's. The Doc noticed that my lining was not as thick as it should be so he prescribed me some estrogen (Vagifem) to thicken it up a little. I am still listening to my Circle Bloom audios and trusting that my body is doing everything that it needs to be doing.


Love to all!

Surprise Sunshine

To my surprise I started my cycle a whole week early last Saturday. I’ve never had such a short (21 day) cycle! I’d been having PMS-like cramps and sore boobies, but figured that my symptoms must be related to the cysts. I should have trusted that I know my body better than that.

Our November iui cycle was canceled due to cysts that were leftover from my first iui cycle. The holiday calendar meant that we would also have to cancel my December cycle. I was so sad. But I came to accept that this wait was a part of our story, and just as I embraced our chance to move forward with a cycle, I needed to embrace this wait as well. We made our holiday travel plans without regard to my cycle. I made plans with friends and family, without regards to my cycle day. I joyfully planned for a no-holds-bar NYE festivity. It was nice.

But then, low and behold, my cycle started a week early. I checked the calendar and it seemed like the timing just might work for a cycle this month. At first I questioned myself, wondering if I was pushing to hard, wanting this too much. A very rational conversation with Bestie reassured me that it was not unreasonable to think that I could pull off a cycle this month. ML was on board, and my RE was able to get me in for a day 3 baseline ultrasound on Monday. I knew that there was still a chance that I’d be sidelined by the cysts, but figured it was worth a shot.

ML and I floated out of the RE appt yesterday after getting the green light to cycle this month. The cysts are gone! We agreed to decrease the clomid from 100mg to 50mg since I responded so well last time. I got my prescriptions filled and we are ready to rock and roll!

We’ll be pushing up against Christmas for the actual IUI’s, but I was ready to trigger on day 10 last time, and I already have one follicle that should be ready to go before too long. This also means no drinking with the in-laws over Christmas, and sober NYE festivities, which I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t looking forward to. 

BUT IT IS ALL WORTH IT BECAUSE

I GET TO CYCLE THIS MONTH!!!

The Holiday Card Dilemma

Sitting in a glass vase in my home office is a pile of unopened Christmas cards, from 2009. Realizing that we have once gain entered the season of holiday cards, I am thinking about the best way to deal with these little deliveries again. 

It was one of the first normal life occurrences that caught me off guard after getting our Azoos diagnosis. Shortly after Thanksgiving last year I came home from work, collected the mail, and was delighted to see that we had received our first holiday card. 

I love receiving holiday cards. I love sending them out too. Every year I post all of the pictures from friends on family on the refrigerator. I love seeing people that I love throughout the year, right there on our fridge smiling at us. It makes the world feel smaller, and generally cheerful. 

But when I opened this first holiday card of 2009 to discover a beautiful picture of a beautiful little family, mom, dad, and precious little girl, standing together smiling, I lost it.  My immediate urge was to tear the picture into tiny little pieces and stomp on it. 

I started at the picture as tears poured down my face. I was consumed by emotions that had no words, that had no expression beyond my sobs. How could such a joyful and expected piece of mail cause me so much unexpected pain and sorrow? How could this family be so perfect when my dreams for my family had been shattered just months earlier? 

I grabbed my phone and retreated into my closet where my sobs would be muffled and I would be safe from any other unexpected assaults to my traumatized soul. I called my sister - god bless my sister. This was not the first call she had received from a sobbing Foxy, and she handled it like a pro.  As I explained to her what had just happened, I felt like a crazy person for getting so upset over something so menial. But she validated my feelings and suggested something just as crazy. 

She suggested that I shouldn’t open any more holiday cards. She suggested that I ask ML to collect these deliveries from the mail and hide them away in a box. Then, if and when I was ready, I could open the cards later. It was a crazy idea, but it was brilliant. It made so much sense. 

So that’s what we did. All future holiday cards were diverted into a glass vase that sat in my office. The rest of the holiday season was manageable, and eventually I was able to laugh at the glass vase strategy we’d implemented. The only pictures we had on the fridge this year were of ML and I, and our puppies.

I also decided, during that evening that I hid and cried in my closet, that we would not be sending any holiday cards in 2009. The thought of choosing a picture of us smiling and looking happy when our world had just shattered around us and it was all I could do to keep breathing much less smile, just seemed wrong. There was nothing to celebrate. I decided to boycott Holiday cards in all forms. 

I always intended to go back and open those cards from 2009, but the time never came when I felt ready. 

The thing is, I really do love these holiday cards. I love the pictures, of friends, and their families, of little ones, and growing ones, of travel, and joyful moments, I love them. I even love knowing that there is a glass vase with cards and pictures waiting for me when I am ready for them. I would never dream of asking friends to not send us these cards, I want these cards. 

What I really want is to be able to send these cards with pictures of my family, of my little ones, of my growing ones, and joyful moments from my family. 

And here we are again, expecting to receive more little deliveries. ML and I talked last night and will implement the same strategy this year as last. All holiday cards will be diverted into the glass vase. 

Call it crazy. Call it sane.  I just know that it is one more choice that we make for self-preservation. 

I also know that next Christmas, I fully expect to be sending out our own picture cards complete with our Someday family, with the biggest smiles ever! (I also expect to receive yours!)

gratitude

I have a lot to say tonight. About lots of different things. Bear with me, I'm just in the mood to write :)

We watched Pump Up the Volume tonight. What a flashback! The music really took me back. Right back  to middle school. I loved that movie back in the day. Actually, I loved Christian Slater. Oh my gawd was he Hawt! It is crazy to think about how different things were in 1990 when that movies came out, only two decades ago. 


Pirate Radio Station then. Blog now. 


The first time I used the internet was my freshman year of college in 1996. Looking back I have no idea how I made it thru k-12 schooling without it. I really can't imagine how it would be possible to live without it now. Among other things, the internet has given me this blog, it has given me you. I suppose Mel could have figured out how to host her own pirate radio station for the ALI community, and I can only hope that we all would have found it. This journey would have been different without  you, thats for sure! I am SO grateful for the internet tonight! 

My favorite thing about vacation is hanging out with ML. I love spending the whole day with him, even if it is just hanging out at home. I just love being around him. I love being able to reach out and touch him, or give him a little kiss, or even just lock eyes with him. When I am with him, life seems just about as perfect as I could want. I don't know what I did to deserve such a wonderful man as my partner. I am am grateful for him, and grateful for this long weekend that I get to spend with him. 

Thanksgiving was really nice. We celebrated with family at my moms house. It was so great to spend the day with my sisters and their husbands. We all live nearby, but don't all get together as often as I would like. Everyone was in a good mood, the food was delicious, I supplied the mimosas, and we had a really enjoyable afternoon. 


Thanksgiving was always my favorite holiday, but things changed with the passing of my grandpa, and then my parents divorce, and now my sisters responsibilities to their husbands families. I always loved having all of the people that I loved in the same place for a whole day. I loved having nothing to do expect be together. Growing up my grandparents hosted the meal at their big family home. They had a huge backyard that my cousins and I played in while my grandma and aunts buzzed around the kitchen. Grandpa and my uncles watched football. It was the perfect day. Every year, Thanksgiving was basically the same. We grew, but the day was predictable and perfect, every year. Things have changed, but yesterday was a perfect day.

My cysts are hanging out still. I can feel them with a little twinge every now and then. I want them to go away already, so that maybe we could somehow magically make the schedule work for December. But in reality that is unlikely to happen. and would mess up our Christmas plans that we made after the month was canceled. I am doing my best to look at the silver linings, and think I'm doing an alright job. The mimosas are helping, but will have to stop when I have to go back to work on Monday. I am content (content isn't the right word)... I am at peace, for the moment, with the fact that much of this is out of my control right now. 

I smashed my finger in the washing machine this afternoon. It hurt so much. No blood, but so much pain. ML jumped to my rescue with a painkiller and some ice. He jokingly expressed concern about my ability to handle childbirth someday. I'm glad that we can laugh about jokes like that. Progress. 

I am making a quilt for my boss for Christmas. I am so impressed with my quilt-making abilities! This will be my second quilt. I kept the first one for ML and I. It it a lap quilt that is so pretty and colorful and sits on the back of our couch, cheering up the whole living room. I spent all evening tying it off and securing the trim. She is going to LOVE it. I am so thankful to have such a wonderful woman to work with, and this feels like the perfect way to show my appreciation. 


I love ICLW. I've been following the breadcrumbs of comment left for me back to the most interesting women. Thank you all for visiting me, and for leaving such nice words behind for me. I wish I could thank each one of you with a mimosa! 





PS: Foggy Whitesox is back. I'll write more about that situation soon. :)

Missing my First FurBaby

Last year ML and I had to say goodbye to our first furbaby, 'Lis'. It was one of the hardest and saddest things I have ever done. It happened only months after we got our Azoos diagnosis while we were still consumed with shock and grief. 2009 was the hardest year of my life. 2010 has been better, and I have the greatest hopes for 2011. 


I am remembering my beloved dog this week. 

(This is the email that I sent out to friends and family last year letting them know that we'd said goodbye.)
I am sorry to send this email out to you guys, but I just can't bear the thought of talking about it. The sadness and pain of this week is just too raw and overwhelming. After five days in critical care, his lungs were continuing to leak air into his chest, requiring a painful chest tube connected to a machine to suction the excess air. The vets working on him felt that it might have been an ongoing lung condition where bubbles form in his lungs then break creating small holes that take time to heal. Over time the bubbles get bigger and take longer to heal, eventually compromising his ability to breath. Because he was such a strong dog, he adjusted to the decreasing lung capacity until it finally become more than he could handle.

Lis was the best dog that ML could have ever brought home to our little house when we first moved to (hometown).  He spent over wonderful eight years with us and filled our home with love, laughter, and lots of activity. He had a very full life and went on many adventures, including some very exciting backpacking trips, many days and nights at the beach, and a few solo adventures where he broke out to explore the world on his own terms.

He was the most gentle dog. He was patient and careful with kids, and never met another dog that he didn't get along with. He was an awesome frisbee dog and I'm sure could have been our 'sugar-dog' if we'd taken him to frisbee competition. He was a great older brother to 'M', and taught her all about how to run the show at our house.

It was watching ML with Lis, the way that he so patiently cared for him and always anticipated his needs, that made me know what a loving father ML would someday be. Lis brought out the best qualities in us and taught us how to be a strong family.

His time with us way way too short and we will always remember the love that he shared with us.

$200 of Booze

We are canceled. I am so sad.

I rushed out of the office to pick up ML for our appointment at 3pm today. I was looking forward to starting this cycle and feeling so hopeful. The wand exam was a uncomfortable, and I watched on the screen as the Doc measured what I thought were my ovaries on each side. Then he stopped and said that the little bubbles were cysts. We would have to wait for the cysts to go away before we could proceed.

I got dressed and we met in his office to talk a little more. He wanted to prescribe bcp to help shrink the cysts down. The few times that I'd ever tried to take BCP in the past, they made me sick. I always stopped because the nausea was too much. But if this is what we needed to do, I was ready to sign up.

But then we started looking at the calendar for December, and it turns out that my December cycle would likely conflict with the two days of vacation that the Doc is planning to take over the NYE holiday. So we will have to cancel December as well. Gosh dang it.

He agreed that two months of natural cycle would be enough to shrink my cysts, so we are skipping the bcp, and just going to start again with my January cycle.

Needless to say I am so sad.

ML is as sad as I am. (I'm not sure if it is because he is sad for me, or if it is because he really does want this as much as I do. It doesn't really matter, it feels so much better knowing that he is sad with me.) He talked about just wanted to crawl into a hole.

I am contemplating become agoraphobic. Giving up on everything else and just hunkering down at home on my couch. Either that, or getting on a plane to Maui (or maybe Vegas) to hide there.

We stopped by the grocery to pick up 3 ingredients for the pies we will make tomorrow. The store was INSANE busy.

Somehow we ended up with $200 worth of wine, champagne, and liquor in our cart. I guess if we can't be trying to get pregnant I can drink all I want over the holidays. and drink I will. I started when we got home tonight. with mimosas. I love mimosas.

If I can't love this cycle, I am going to love my mimosas while I wallow in my sadness.
It just seems so unfair.