Missing my First FurBaby

Last year ML and I had to say goodbye to our first furbaby, 'Lis'. It was one of the hardest and saddest things I have ever done. It happened only months after we got our Azoos diagnosis while we were still consumed with shock and grief. 2009 was the hardest year of my life. 2010 has been better, and I have the greatest hopes for 2011. 


I am remembering my beloved dog this week. 

(This is the email that I sent out to friends and family last year letting them know that we'd said goodbye.)
I am sorry to send this email out to you guys, but I just can't bear the thought of talking about it. The sadness and pain of this week is just too raw and overwhelming. After five days in critical care, his lungs were continuing to leak air into his chest, requiring a painful chest tube connected to a machine to suction the excess air. The vets working on him felt that it might have been an ongoing lung condition where bubbles form in his lungs then break creating small holes that take time to heal. Over time the bubbles get bigger and take longer to heal, eventually compromising his ability to breath. Because he was such a strong dog, he adjusted to the decreasing lung capacity until it finally become more than he could handle.

Lis was the best dog that ML could have ever brought home to our little house when we first moved to (hometown).  He spent over wonderful eight years with us and filled our home with love, laughter, and lots of activity. He had a very full life and went on many adventures, including some very exciting backpacking trips, many days and nights at the beach, and a few solo adventures where he broke out to explore the world on his own terms.

He was the most gentle dog. He was patient and careful with kids, and never met another dog that he didn't get along with. He was an awesome frisbee dog and I'm sure could have been our 'sugar-dog' if we'd taken him to frisbee competition. He was a great older brother to 'M', and taught her all about how to run the show at our house.

It was watching ML with Lis, the way that he so patiently cared for him and always anticipated his needs, that made me know what a loving father ML would someday be. Lis brought out the best qualities in us and taught us how to be a strong family.

His time with us way way too short and we will always remember the love that he shared with us.

$200 of Booze

We are canceled. I am so sad.

I rushed out of the office to pick up ML for our appointment at 3pm today. I was looking forward to starting this cycle and feeling so hopeful. The wand exam was a uncomfortable, and I watched on the screen as the Doc measured what I thought were my ovaries on each side. Then he stopped and said that the little bubbles were cysts. We would have to wait for the cysts to go away before we could proceed.

I got dressed and we met in his office to talk a little more. He wanted to prescribe bcp to help shrink the cysts down. The few times that I'd ever tried to take BCP in the past, they made me sick. I always stopped because the nausea was too much. But if this is what we needed to do, I was ready to sign up.

But then we started looking at the calendar for December, and it turns out that my December cycle would likely conflict with the two days of vacation that the Doc is planning to take over the NYE holiday. So we will have to cancel December as well. Gosh dang it.

He agreed that two months of natural cycle would be enough to shrink my cysts, so we are skipping the bcp, and just going to start again with my January cycle.

Needless to say I am so sad.

ML is as sad as I am. (I'm not sure if it is because he is sad for me, or if it is because he really does want this as much as I do. It doesn't really matter, it feels so much better knowing that he is sad with me.) He talked about just wanted to crawl into a hole.

I am contemplating become agoraphobic. Giving up on everything else and just hunkering down at home on my couch. Either that, or getting on a plane to Maui (or maybe Vegas) to hide there.

We stopped by the grocery to pick up 3 ingredients for the pies we will make tomorrow. The store was INSANE busy.

Somehow we ended up with $200 worth of wine, champagne, and liquor in our cart. I guess if we can't be trying to get pregnant I can drink all I want over the holidays. and drink I will. I started when we got home tonight. with mimosas. I love mimosas.

If I can't love this cycle, I am going to love my mimosas while I wallow in my sadness.
It just seems so unfair.

Quivers of Excitement

I woke up this morning with quivers of excitement. Actually ML came in to give me a kiss and let me know he was headed out. The puppy beat him onto the bed and cuddled up next to me which was what woke me up. 


As I lay there waking up I got so exciting thinking that we have our cd 4 monitoring appointment this afternoon for IUI #2. Writing about it is giving me butterflys right now. 


I feel so lucky that we get to try again. 
I feel so grateful that we have been able to afford this treatment.
I feel such intense love for ML.
I feel so much appreciation for my mom and sister and bestie who have given me such incredible support.
I feel gratitude for my amazing boss, and job flexibility.


And really, I am so excited about this months cycle. 

floating

I had the nicest birthday party last Sunday night, with my mom and sister and a few good friends. They are all so wonderful to me and make me feel so special and loved. It was really nice to have them all fill my home with love and laughter, even though I’d been feeling like I wasn’t up for a party earlier in the day. I am so blessed to have such loving supportive people in my life. 

ML took me out for a special dinner on my actual birthday on Wednesday. We don’t often splurge on special outings like that and I was really looking forward to it. He also started a tradition when we got married of giving my jewelry for my birthday. I never thought that I was “that” kind of girl, one who would wear and love jewelry, but apparently I am. His precious gifts make me feel like I am the most precious woman alive. I wear some combination of the rings, necklace, earrings, and bracelet collection every single day and feel like I am wrapped in love. Most of the pieces are custom made just for me and I i just feel so rich with his love thinking about each one. 

*****

I made plans with my mom to go to the spa this Sunday, also in celebration of my birthday. We have the most incredible world class spa nearby our home, and although the treatments are pricey, they offer a day pass for $40 that allows us use of the amazing facilities all day long. Soaking in hot tubs, curling in a blanket next to a fire, relaxing in the sauna, bathing in the beautiful triple head shower. It is decadence. I wish you all could join us!

*****

My mom and I played hookie from work last Friday (mid 2ww) and went to get massages at an amazing hot spring resort. It is nestled along the cliffs of the ocean and has these beautiful pools filled with hot natural spring water. After a long drive down the coast, we checked in and found our way to a warm tub that overlooked the ocean. We floated as we listened to the waves crashing and watched as the fog slowly receded from the shore. It was so peaceful and restorative. I told my mom about the Circle Bloom meditations and my hope for this cycle. She couldn’t be more supportive and loving. She has since ordered her own CB CD so that she can listen along with me each day.

I moved into a little claw foot tub where I could stretch out yet be completely supported. The natural spring water felt so good on my skin and I focused on letting my whole body relax so that all of my reproductive functions were free to do exactly what they needed to be doing. I envisioned a couple little embryos floating down my tubes and finding a nice warm place to nestle into my uterus. Everything felt just perfect. 

My massage therapist finally called for me and led me into a sunlit room overlooking the ocean cliffs. The walls opened up to allow the ocean air to blow through the space and the sound of the waves to become the only thing I was focused on. The massage was amazing. It was perfectly matched to the support that I needed at that exact moment. I felt fully supported and able to relax more with each stroke and gentle touch. At the end she rolled me onto my side, wrapped me in a blanket and left me to be. I felt so safe and warm and actually fell asleep right there on the table! 

Some time later I awoke from the most restorative nap I have ever had. I wandered out of the room and found my mom perched on the sun deck watching the waves. I’d been peacefully asleep for nearly 2 hours! 

I took another leisurely float in the warm tub, slowly showered and dressed, and together we navigated our way back up the path to our car. We stopped by the little bookstore and picked up a catalog of the workshops that are held at this special place.  Our visit was thanks to a very generous gift certificate that a friend had given my mom, but I decided that ML and I needed to make a plan to splurge on a weekend vacation back to this place. 

At home that night, I pursued the catalog of workshops and found one in April that sounded like fun. I decided that it would be our babymoon trip. I know, a little crazy, but I did it, I planned our babymoon! I will be pregnant by then, and if I am not, we'll need a special getaway more than ever. 

Meh.

Beta is back down to zero.
I'm bummed, but okay.

The Dr said that the earlier beta of 1.5 was NOT from the trigger and that is is a really good sign that there was something happening in there. So that is good.

So now we just wait for my flow and do this again next month.

Not much more to say tonight.

Maybe baby?

One point five. Thats my beta. My 13 dpo beta.

A beta of 2 or more is considered positive for pregnancy. 

So I am not pregnant...

... but I'm also not not pregnant.

I fall right smack dab in the middle of a grey zone. 

The nurse who called with the results mentioned that the trigger shot could still be showing up, or it could just be too early.

I actually took a home pregnancy test last night. I didn't want to be surprised when we got the call today. It was negative, but it didn't get me down. I kind-of felt like it was too early for the pee test to register, but I still believed that there was a good chance I was pregnant. The internet told me that was a 20.3% chance of getting a false positive on a home pregnancy test at 12 dpo. I felt like i must have fallen in that 20% category. Hope prevails! 

My beta was originally scheduled for next Tuesday, at 16 dpo. But I asked to have it moved up to today, at 13 dpo. I wanted to have the weekend to process the news and thought for sure that a blood test at 13 dpo would be accurate. What do I know! Now I have the weekend to ponder a maybe pregnancy. 

Do you think that somehow my love of the 2ww has backfired on me? Maybe my body really is listening to me! (he-he)

So, I am headed back on Tuesday, at 16 dpo, for another beta test. 

All things considered, I still feel good. I feel like I just have to be pregnant. I wish I didn't have to wait again, but, you know, it is okay. All I can do right now is take extra special care of myself, and that shouldn't be difficult to do for the next few days. 

*****

In the meantime, I am celebrating my 100th post! I'd been picturing that this post would be an exciting announcement of our results today, but somehow it seems more fitting that it is about a random and unexpected test result.  Our journey to become parents has been been so full of curves and bumps, it somehow seems appropriate that my 100th post follow suite. 

I read back through my old posts on a fairly regular basis. It reminds me how far I've come. It reminds me that there are ups and downs, and that I am stronger than I ever gave myself credit for. 

I read back over the comments that others have left and the crumbs that I've left leading back to others posts and am blown away by the unbelievable support that I've found here. The women who I have met here are some of the most incredible, strong, and compassionate souls and I feel so blessed to have received your kind words and been the recipient of your loving thoughts. I can only hope that I have given back some fraction of the support that I have received.

I never would have imagined when I started this blog seven months ago that I'd hit 100 posts. But here I am! and I love it here in my little corner of the internet. 

What I really want to say in this 100th post is THANK YOU. This blog is for me, but knowing that you are all there to support me is what keeps me coming back. YOU are incredible.

*****

Just in case you were feeling like I didn't have enough news, It is my Birthday Week!!! I turn 33 next Wednesday and I have a little something up my sleeve, so I hope that you will stop back to celebrate with me then. Don't you just love the special Birthday header that Giggly Girl Alison whipped up for me? I do :)

good to feel good

Don't get me wrong, I really want to know for sure.

It just feels so good to feel good. and to feel hopeful again.

A Wonderful Wait

Foggy Whitesox has not returned since we sent her away yesterday morning, with her collar and little note. We keep checking at the door, but no kitty.

I think that she got grounded. I think that she showed up at her real home with her cute little purple collar and note and her parents freaked out. I think that they grounded her for being so promiscuous.

It is okay. She might still come back to visit us. We'll just have to wait and see.

I was thinking yesterday that waiting is not necessarily a bad thing. This two week wait has been awesome. Really, I really mean that! I am happier than I've been in ages. I love thinking that my someday family might be turning into a reality.

This is seriously the best kind of wait. There is a decent chance that this is it. That this wait is not a wait at all, but the reality that I've been dreaming of for so long.

At your wedding, were you 'waiting' for the ceremony to end so that the reception could start? You might look forward to the reception, but you love every second that you stand before your friends and family exchanging vows with the person you love.

Do you go to a movie and 'wait' for it to end? You might look forward to dinner after the movie, but you still enjoy the time that you spend at the theatre.

I feel like this two week wait is actually a precious time during which magic could be happening. I am not waiting for it to end, I want it to go on forever.

Foggy Whitesox

There is a little kitty cat that has been hanging out in from of our house the past fe weeks. She is a beautiful grey color with adorable little white paws. Everytime we come home and walk to the front door she is there to greet us with a sweet purr and gentle nudge on our legs.

Last night we invited her inside.

She is so sweet. She came right in and started eating the dog food. ML sat with our puppy (a great big German Shepherd) and the sweet kitty didn't mind at all. She walked around and explored every room of the house. She was so cuddly and sweet.  We named her "foggy whitesox".

Then our cat came in.

Sweet is not a word I would use to describe our cat. She is actually kind of mean. Our cat has all sorts of attitude and will turn on you in an instant. She'll be sitting on your lap, but if you touch her she will just bite you, hard. We've had her since she was itty bitty, rescued from a feral mother.  She has been spicy since day one.

Our cat was not pleased to see foggy whitesox. We sat on the floor and fed them both salmon to keep them from hissing at each other. They liked the salmon, but our cat didn't take her eye off of the intruder.

After about an hour we sent foggy whitesox on her way, back to her home? or maybe just back out on the street. She seemed much too sweet to be a stray.

This morning, foggy whitesox met us at the front door. Purring as she weaved her way in and out of our legs. We invited her in again, of course, and delighted in her sweetness. Our puppy hung out in the crate, calmly watching this new animal wander the living room. Our cat came in and carefully monitored this new house guest as well, before sulking back out into the yard to lay in the sun.

I want to keep her. I want foggy whitesox to live here with us. To cuddle with us. To be a part of our little family.  She makes me smile. and I love her.

So I found a little purple cat collar in our pet drawer. I wrote a little note, "Does this kitty have a home? We love her and call her foggy whitesox." I taped the note to the collar and put it on my new kitty.

What would you do if your cat came home with a collar and a note like that?
To be continued....

* * * * *
I am 9 days past ovulation.
I am using the 8% Crinone Progesterone gel suppository until we get a beta next week, and my Circle+Bloom meditations every day.

Still feeling great. Very positive. Surprisingly calm and at peace with the wait. I have complete trust that my body is doing everything that it needs to be doing to provide the perfect environment for those little embies to nestle in. Still have a slight dull pressure just above my public bone, and a very little bit of cramping that comes and goes. I've been sleeping better, but still waking up really early.

Yesterday, for the first time, I had what I am calling pre-nausea. It wasn't nausea, but it felt like it could turn into nausea. Maybe it was just butterflies of excitement in my stomach, maybe it was something more.

unloading a few fears

5 dpo. Still feeling pretty positive. Definitely feel like there is magic happening in there. I feel all sorts of little abdomen twinges, and a pretty constant pressure right above my public bone. I slept better last night but had so many vividly bizarre dreams. My stomach is usually pretty sensitive to stress and medication, and I am definitely noticing that, er, um, issue.


Circle Bloom is awesome, and I even downloaded some additional audio meditations from itunes. I'm not so good at staying focused on the meditation, but it is a really nice chance to take a time out and focus on me. I take comfort in knowing that there is no wrong way to meditate, because I am sure that my practice falls outside of the expectation. What matters I suppose is that I really like it. I will most definitely continue meditations throughout pregnancy.


***
ML thinks that there are three little eggs nestling in for the long haul. Bestie joked last night that there are four. I will be over the moon to learn that we have any little ones growing in there.


But I do have some fears about high order multiples. I am going to unload them here, and then let them go.


I read a bunch of Quadruplet blogs last night. Holy Moly! Love exploded from the pages, but my god, I realized that so many other things that I dream of for my children would change pretty drastically. Breastfeeding, co-sleeping, baby wearing, etc...

I want this.

We did sign a statement saying that we would pursue reduction is we conceive high order multiples. It is an easy thing to say, but imagine that it would likely be the most difficult decision to actually follow thru with. I am scared to think that we might have to make that choice. (and I can't find any blogs that talk about that issue... have you?)


ML and I agree (as of right now) that three is the magic number. We fear that carrying more than that would put everyone at risk. But like I said, I just can't predict my reaction to the reality of making that kind of choice.


I am envisioning that our little Someday twins are in there, happy as can be, feeling the love that is coming to them from everyone around me.


I read that 84% of pregnancies implanted on days 8-10 after ovulation, so those little embryos are still cruising down the tubes and scoping my uterus for a good spot to call home for a while. 

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I hung out with Bestie and Little One last night while ML worked late. LO is so freakin adorable. She just started walking, just a few steps at a time. It is so awesome to watch her. She has her first word, "up", totally mastered and was playing little games with me - I'd say "up" and she'd stand up, then I'd say "down" and she would crouch down. So smart she is! We giggled so much. I love that she giggles with me. She is fascinated with my pony tail and giggles every time I move my head. Bestie is ready to start working on #2. It would be so freakin  awesome if we could experience this pregnancy together. (fingers crossed)


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It's too early for real PG symptoms, but I am convinced that the progesterone is playing with my head. I got pulled over for a paperwork issue with my car registration yesterday and totally ended up yelling at the cop. Not cool.  I felt so bad afterwards, and kind of want to apologize to him. He stayed so nice and professional, and even told me thank you. poor guy. I had a similar experience of feeling like I was going to lose my head at a meeting on Tuesday.


I'm off for a spa day and massage with my mom on Friday at one of the most beautiful and serene places in this Country. I'll try to snap a few pictures to share with you all. Oh my gosh, that is TOMORROW! Can you see me smiling!!!