A Wonderful Wait

Foggy Whitesox has not returned since we sent her away yesterday morning, with her collar and little note. We keep checking at the door, but no kitty.

I think that she got grounded. I think that she showed up at her real home with her cute little purple collar and note and her parents freaked out. I think that they grounded her for being so promiscuous.

It is okay. She might still come back to visit us. We'll just have to wait and see.

I was thinking yesterday that waiting is not necessarily a bad thing. This two week wait has been awesome. Really, I really mean that! I am happier than I've been in ages. I love thinking that my someday family might be turning into a reality.

This is seriously the best kind of wait. There is a decent chance that this is it. That this wait is not a wait at all, but the reality that I've been dreaming of for so long.

At your wedding, were you 'waiting' for the ceremony to end so that the reception could start? You might look forward to the reception, but you love every second that you stand before your friends and family exchanging vows with the person you love.

Do you go to a movie and 'wait' for it to end? You might look forward to dinner after the movie, but you still enjoy the time that you spend at the theatre.

I feel like this two week wait is actually a precious time during which magic could be happening. I am not waiting for it to end, I want it to go on forever.

Foggy Whitesox

There is a little kitty cat that has been hanging out in from of our house the past fe weeks. She is a beautiful grey color with adorable little white paws. Everytime we come home and walk to the front door she is there to greet us with a sweet purr and gentle nudge on our legs.

Last night we invited her inside.

She is so sweet. She came right in and started eating the dog food. ML sat with our puppy (a great big German Shepherd) and the sweet kitty didn't mind at all. She walked around and explored every room of the house. She was so cuddly and sweet.  We named her "foggy whitesox".

Then our cat came in.

Sweet is not a word I would use to describe our cat. She is actually kind of mean. Our cat has all sorts of attitude and will turn on you in an instant. She'll be sitting on your lap, but if you touch her she will just bite you, hard. We've had her since she was itty bitty, rescued from a feral mother.  She has been spicy since day one.

Our cat was not pleased to see foggy whitesox. We sat on the floor and fed them both salmon to keep them from hissing at each other. They liked the salmon, but our cat didn't take her eye off of the intruder.

After about an hour we sent foggy whitesox on her way, back to her home? or maybe just back out on the street. She seemed much too sweet to be a stray.

This morning, foggy whitesox met us at the front door. Purring as she weaved her way in and out of our legs. We invited her in again, of course, and delighted in her sweetness. Our puppy hung out in the crate, calmly watching this new animal wander the living room. Our cat came in and carefully monitored this new house guest as well, before sulking back out into the yard to lay in the sun.

I want to keep her. I want foggy whitesox to live here with us. To cuddle with us. To be a part of our little family.  She makes me smile. and I love her.

So I found a little purple cat collar in our pet drawer. I wrote a little note, "Does this kitty have a home? We love her and call her foggy whitesox." I taped the note to the collar and put it on my new kitty.

What would you do if your cat came home with a collar and a note like that?
To be continued....

* * * * *
I am 9 days past ovulation.
I am using the 8% Crinone Progesterone gel suppository until we get a beta next week, and my Circle+Bloom meditations every day.

Still feeling great. Very positive. Surprisingly calm and at peace with the wait. I have complete trust that my body is doing everything that it needs to be doing to provide the perfect environment for those little embies to nestle in. Still have a slight dull pressure just above my public bone, and a very little bit of cramping that comes and goes. I've been sleeping better, but still waking up really early.

Yesterday, for the first time, I had what I am calling pre-nausea. It wasn't nausea, but it felt like it could turn into nausea. Maybe it was just butterflies of excitement in my stomach, maybe it was something more.

unloading a few fears

5 dpo. Still feeling pretty positive. Definitely feel like there is magic happening in there. I feel all sorts of little abdomen twinges, and a pretty constant pressure right above my public bone. I slept better last night but had so many vividly bizarre dreams. My stomach is usually pretty sensitive to stress and medication, and I am definitely noticing that, er, um, issue.


Circle Bloom is awesome, and I even downloaded some additional audio meditations from itunes. I'm not so good at staying focused on the meditation, but it is a really nice chance to take a time out and focus on me. I take comfort in knowing that there is no wrong way to meditate, because I am sure that my practice falls outside of the expectation. What matters I suppose is that I really like it. I will most definitely continue meditations throughout pregnancy.


***
ML thinks that there are three little eggs nestling in for the long haul. Bestie joked last night that there are four. I will be over the moon to learn that we have any little ones growing in there.


But I do have some fears about high order multiples. I am going to unload them here, and then let them go.


I read a bunch of Quadruplet blogs last night. Holy Moly! Love exploded from the pages, but my god, I realized that so many other things that I dream of for my children would change pretty drastically. Breastfeeding, co-sleeping, baby wearing, etc...

I want this.

We did sign a statement saying that we would pursue reduction is we conceive high order multiples. It is an easy thing to say, but imagine that it would likely be the most difficult decision to actually follow thru with. I am scared to think that we might have to make that choice. (and I can't find any blogs that talk about that issue... have you?)


ML and I agree (as of right now) that three is the magic number. We fear that carrying more than that would put everyone at risk. But like I said, I just can't predict my reaction to the reality of making that kind of choice.


I am envisioning that our little Someday twins are in there, happy as can be, feeling the love that is coming to them from everyone around me.


I read that 84% of pregnancies implanted on days 8-10 after ovulation, so those little embryos are still cruising down the tubes and scoping my uterus for a good spot to call home for a while. 

• 
  

****
I hung out with Bestie and Little One last night while ML worked late. LO is so freakin adorable. She just started walking, just a few steps at a time. It is so awesome to watch her. She has her first word, "up", totally mastered and was playing little games with me - I'd say "up" and she'd stand up, then I'd say "down" and she would crouch down. So smart she is! We giggled so much. I love that she giggles with me. She is fascinated with my pony tail and giggles every time I move my head. Bestie is ready to start working on #2. It would be so freakin  awesome if we could experience this pregnancy together. (fingers crossed)


****
It's too early for real PG symptoms, but I am convinced that the progesterone is playing with my head. I got pulled over for a paperwork issue with my car registration yesterday and totally ended up yelling at the cop. Not cool.  I felt so bad afterwards, and kind of want to apologize to him. He stayed so nice and professional, and even told me thank you. poor guy. I had a similar experience of feeling like I was going to lose my head at a meeting on Tuesday.


I'm off for a spa day and massage with my mom on Friday at one of the most beautiful and serene places in this Country. I'll try to snap a few pictures to share with you all. Oh my gosh, that is TOMORROW! Can you see me smiling!!!

Medjugore

I love my mother in law. She is a loving woman who really cares about her family. She is heartbroken for ML and I and wants so much for us to have a family. The thing is that she is also deeply religious, and we are not, which sometimes makes it challenging for us to communicate. 


She tells me that she knows that god has a child for us and that she prays everyday that he will bring that child to us. I tell her thank you for thinking about us, her support means a lot to us. 


I know that her intentions are good, and that it is so hard for her to see us in pain, and that she would do anything ANYTHING to help. 


Yesterday she sent ML an email about the Children of Medjugore. Among other things it said,  “Rare are the couples without children who do not conceive a child after they climb Mount Krizevac TOGETHER and ask for a child TOGETHER on their knees at the foot of the Cross!” She wants to send us on a pilgrimage to Bosnia to the little town of Medjugore so that we can climb Mount Krizevac. It makes it even sadder that she is in no position to finance such a trip, yet begged ML to let her send us. 


ML was so sweet to her on the phone. Rather than getting defensive and upset he just thanked her for caring about us so much and acknowledged that this was hard for her too. 


I told him that all things considered, she really is an awesome mother. She loves us with her whole heart is trying her best to be supportive. I feel really lucky to have her as my mother-in-law. 


* * * * *


I am 4 dpo. Still feeling pretty good. 


Super aware of every twinge in my belly. I am feeling a little crampy. I got crazy irritated at a couple meetings yesterday morning. Then got so tired yesterday afternoon that I had to come home to lay down. I didn't sleep very well last night, woke up really early, and am guessing that I'll be exhausted halfway thru the day again. I also think that I am losing more hair than normal. It may be all in my head, but I am wondering if these might be some side effects from the supplemental progesterone suppositories. 


Regardless of the cause, I am just listening closely to my body, trying not to judge any of these "symptoms", and giving myself permission to take care of myself. 


* * * * *
Ohhhhh - awesome news - The School Bond passed! 
I am so proud of the role I played on the campaign and really believe that my participation was a critical part of its passage. It feels really good to know that I am doing good things for my community. 

Good Advice

The best advice my mom ever gave me was when I was in college, my sophomore year.

She said, "Don't ever do anything once for a man that you don't intend to do for him the rest of your life."

It was really good advice, really. It has worked out incredibly well for me, although I think I also lucked out with ML who is awesome about sharing chores and is actually much cleaner than I am. Someday I will give the same advice to my daughter (or my son's little girlfriends.)

*****

ML and I were on our way to a wedding a few years ago. We were listening to the radio and a report came on about the secret of long happy marriages.

The researches who conducted the study theorized that the secret was shared housework, or secure finances. To their surprise, they discovered that the common thread among the happiest longest married couples was this: A husband who immediately and enthusiastically agreed with his wife.

It is such simple advice. And for the past few years ML has lived it. He doesn't agree on everything, but when he does it is immediate and enthusiastic, and I love it. I never would have guessed that his responses could mean so much to me, but they do, and they create a wonderfully positive feedback loop of communication.

*****
I am two dpo from my very first chance at actually being pregnant. Feeling good. Feeling positive. Maybe a little worried about multiples, but so ready. I've been doing the Circle Bloom meditations, and really think that they are helping me stay calm and positive. ML keeps looking at me with that little sparkle in his eye. I feel like everything is happening just as it needs to.

Megan is Brilliant

I just read the most incredible post by Megan at Bottoms off and on a Break. She is an amazing blogger who has some of the most amazing creative projects, videos, and infertility artwork. I hope that I am not violating blog etiquette by reposting this here - but it is just that incredible.  Please go to her site and let her know if you are also blown away by the power of her words.

How does it feel to be infertile?
by Megan at Bottoms off and on a Break

I've never been asked by a fertile person how it feels to be infertile.  No infertile person has ever had to ask how it feels.  However, I have often found myself wondering if I could explain to a fertile person how infertility feels.

It's so abstract.  I won't die from this disease.  I've not lost any limbs.  I don't have any visible scars.  In my own case I've not lost anything tangible really.  I've lost clusters of cells, even my one miscarriage was a blighted ovum; a non baby.

The only way I can describe how being infertile feels is to equate it to what I imagine it would be like to love a child...

Infertility feels like loving a child...but the exact opposite.

I imagine that when a child is born the parents feel overwhelming feelings of joy, pride, happiness, and love.  I'm sure it is indescribable.  I'm sure it is emotionally debilitating, makes you reevaluate your life, makes you change your life for the better.

Infertility has made me feel that way too...but the exact opposite.

I imagine that when you are a parent the love you have for your child permeates your life in all sorts of little ways.  I'm sure that sometimes that love catches you off guard in little moments.  You remember your love when you see a picture, hear a comment, or smell a scent.  I imagine that love for a child is like a pleasant whisper throughout the day.

Infertility has made me feel that way too...but the exact opposite.

I'm sure that everyday as a parent is not good.  Just as everyday without children is not bad.

However, if a fertile person ever thinks to ask me how it feels to be infertile; if a fertile person ever wants to understand; I would tell them to think of all the intense love they have for their child, all the little ways that being a parent makes them happy.  I imagine the intensity of feeling is the same.

But where they have love I have bitterness.
But where they have hope I have despair.
But where they have peace I have heartbreak.

And just as a parent will always be a parent.  I will always be infertile.

FIVE little follies

Oh my goodness
Oh my goodness

I took my clomid (100mg) on cycle days 3-7. I didn't notice any side effects, except for some wonderful excitiement :)

We went in for my first monitering appoitnment this morning. Everything looked good. Maybe a little TOO good!

We have FIVE folicles. Yep, FIVE beautiful round folicles with FIVE perfect little eggs. Three of them are ready to go, and the other two are right on the cusp of being ready.

The Doctor explained that he takes the risk of multiples very seriously and that he advises patients to cancel the cycle anytime there are more than three potential folicles. ML and I exchanged looks. I knew what he was thinking before he even opened his mouth. I love that man so much.

ML asks, "So are you advising us to cancel, or are you telling us that we have to cancel? We've been waiting a long time for this." I am so glad that he talks at these appointments, since I can barely open my mouth. I love him so much.

The Doctor replies that it is our decision, and again reviews the risks of multiples, and the process of selective reduction. We exchange looks again. ML asks if we can have a minute to talk privately. Oh my god do I love him.

The Doctor leaves the room, and I grab ML's hand. We decide to proceed. We agree to consider selective reduction to prevent high order multiples. We are ready for whatever comes next. I decide that only three of the eggs will release, so it won't be an issue. I adore ML more than words can describe.

The Doctor comes back into the room. We tell him our decision. He says alrighty then. We are ready to rawk and roll!

He gives me the trigger shot and an appointment to return on Saturday and Sunday morning for back to back IUI. A blood test is schedueld for November 16th!

I am overwhelmed with excitement and joy, and love - so much love, as we check out and pay our bill. I look at ML and he is more handsome than ever before. He is so strong and loving and wonderful. We walk outside and embrace. I could stand right there in his arms forever.

We take a few beep breaths together.
We can do this.
We are doing this.

Naive excitement

I feel kind of giddy.
Like there are little joyful butterflys floating around inside of me.
Like I have a special, potentially wonderful, secret that no one knows about.
I love this feeling.

When we first started trying I felt this excitement.
This lightness.
This sense of purpose and future.
Of possibility.

I don't feel like I am waiting any more.
Everyday that passes is a day that my body is doing important work.
This cycle is special.
This cycle is real.
This is our first real chance.
I am loving every minute of it.

inevitable questions

I can remember being in a grocery store with my mom. I must have been six or seven. My two younger sisters were in the cart. An older woman approached us to ohh and ahh over my littlest sister who was still quite young. I can so clearly remember the woman commenting on how different the three of us looked and asking my mother if we had the same father. The question confused me, but my mom explained to the lady that we all shared the same daddy. I remember so clearly that the lady was so nice and even now I don't think that she intended any harm by her question.


My mom was so matter of fact in her response, and so confident in her and my dads love for each of us, so proud of our differences. That was the first time I remember that question being asked, but most certainly not the last.


It is a totally inappropriate comment to make, regardless of the family circumstances. (In our case my sisters and I do share genetics from both our mother and father, but look very different from each other.) But people are curious and will ask questions, inappropriate or not. It is how we respond to and educate people about situations that they don't understand that really matters. It may not be a duty we signed up for, but it is necessary. I can only hope that others will offer me the same education when I say or do things that might be hurtful. 


As ML and I embark on building our family with the assistance of DS, I am thinking alot about how we will deal with the future questions and situations that are waiting for us. 


Mel reviewed a post by Kristen at I Spy a Family in her Round-Up last Friday. Kristen describes a situation that occurred in the grocery store, where a store clerk inappropriately questioned how her family was formed. She acknowledged that this was an inevitable situation for her family that has been built through adoption, but wishes that people would show respect for her children by asking questions when her children are not in ear shot. 


Kristen's post reminded me of that day we were in the grocery store, and all of the times since that the formation of my family has been questioned. It is a gentle reminder to me that these questions are normal, that we can expect them. The only part of this equation that we can control is our response. For some of us the emotions of our situation make it difficult to respond in a matter of fact way, and that is totally understandable. What I will always remember is that my mom didn't hesitate in her response, she was so confident in our family, there was no doubt about her love for my dad and their love for us. She made it so clear that we belonged together and that our differences were valued. 


I hope that I - that we all - can find that confidence. I hope that we can use it to educate others, and most importantly to show our children just how loved they are. 


Thanks Kristen for this great post, and thanks Mel for making sure that I didn't miss it!

New Chapter

Today is the beginning of a new chapter of our journey. 

Until now we have not had one single opportunity to actually get pregnant. We've spent 20% of our income and 18 months of our life seeing doctors and getting tests and trying experimental hormone treatment, but not once did we have a real chance to get pregnant. So much time spent waiting, receiving bad news at every turn, the carrot of pregnancy moved just a little farther out of our reach every time.

After my dreams were shattered with the initial Azoospermia diagnosis, it took me a long time to see beyond the day to day struggle and envision that there is in fact a Someday family waiting for us at the end of this journey. I was so caught up with worry and anticipation of the next test, the next dr appt, the next decision facing us. It was so hard to put the details in perspective and see that they were all little steps that got us closer to our dreams. Refocusing on that dream made it so much easier to navigate the path. But it also took away any sense that my Someday was anytime soon. Until today.

Today is the first day 

of the first cycle 

where we will have a chance to get pregnant. 

We met with the new RE this morning, the local one. He reviewed everything and gave us the green light to do a donor IUI cycle this month, starting with this cycle!

(This is what I wanted, but on some level I was really expecting that there would be some reason why we had to wait again.)

We got lunch. We came home. We chose a donor. We sent our new account paperwork to the cryobank.     My cycle started this afternoon, just as expected. I called and made a Friday appointment for my initial ultrasound and meds.

It is happening. It really is. I almost can't believe it.