It is what it is

It is what it is. ML says that. and he is right.
We did everything that we could and now it is what it is.

He is really sad. In the way that boys show they are sad. But I know that this is really hard for him.

I feel... maybe in a little bit of shock still. Getting this news didn't feel like the punch in the gut that i was expecting. It feels quiet. decisive.

I was preparing for grey, for ambiguity. for results that presented some unexpected and additional choice. But this is black and white. and I although I hate the outcome, I have tremendous comfort in the certainty.

It is what is is.
and we will move forward from here.

***
I have to take a moment to thank each of you for your loving and kind comments recently. Each comment was like a pillar of strength that surrounded me in a moment when I wasn't sure I was strong enough to stand on my own. Your strength reminds me of just how strong I really am. Thank You.

nothing

the results are in.
they found nothing.

we tried everything.
and yet we get nothing.

depressed

I am depressed.

I told ML that I feel like my life has no purpose. Without kids, without my own family.

But then I feel selfish and guilty. My life is as close to perfect as I could have ever imagined it could be. But there is this one thing, this one basic and fundamental thing that is missing. and without this one thing, my life is incomplete. it is worthless. it is meaningless.

I couldn't bear to get out of bed yesterday. and then the tears started and didn't stop all day. I had to call my boss and tell her that I was a blithering idiot and not suitable to be seen in public. She understood and was nice about it, but I still felt like crap for leaving her hanging unprepared for an important meeting.

This feeling is partly an anticipation of the FNA results that we are waiting for next week, I know that anxiety is just building up inside of me.

This is also about just wanting so much to be on the other side of this. and until I get there, my life is just a series of actions that are only intended to pass the time.

This depression feels very different than what I felt last year. Last year I was consumed by shock and grief and fear, which left me so overwhelmed with emotions that the pain was nearly unbearable.

This year, it feels much more cerebral. I am dealing with the grief, and am building good coping skills to manage the anxiety of waiting. And now, there is space for this underlying belief to rise to the surface. What is the point? What is the point of any of this when it has nothing to do with my purpose for being?

Last year, I felt no hope, I experienced no real joy or laughter. I really was just going thru the motions because I was so caught up in my own grief and pain. This year that fog has lifted. I have laughed, I can envision our Someday, I have re-engaged with friends and family and community work. But beneath it all is this truth, this truth that my most fundamental reason for being is missing.

I get that this daily routine of going to work and paying the bills and so on and so forth is necessary. But it suddenly feels so damn meaningless.

Post its for Fall

Welcome Mama!

I've thought about so many different things to write about in the past 24 hours, but now that I am sitting here, none of them seem to be tangible.

I had a really nice dinner with my mom last night. I feel like it has been so long since I've been able to just sit and talk with her. I've been wanting to show her my blog for ever, and finally, after dinner last night I was able to tell her about it and pull it up on my iphone so she could see it. She is so wonderful and supportive and I am so lucky that we get to be connected as mother and daughter.

So, Welcome to my blog Mama!

Ohhh - and Sister and Bestie, You are now welcome here too!

You three have been so incredible and patient and kind and understanding and available to me during this journey and I am forever grateful.

So after dinner I was walking back to my car and noticed that the light was on at the massage place. This massage place is awesome - they offer hour long foot massages for $25 that are really a full body clothed massage that includes a hot water bath for your feet. I wandered across the street and found myself laid out in the chair enjoying an impromptu massage. I thought about so many things but successfully kept refocusing on the music that was playing. It felt so good to just stop and do something that was just for me. Then after the massage, I got my hair cut! I figured that I was already there, and I'd been wanting to get my hair trimmed for like the past year. The lady washed, cut and blew out my hair, and, it felt so nice.

I have a spa day all set for October 16th, with my sister and a few friends. (anyone want to join us? :) and another spa day scheduled for me and my mama the first week of November. My mama reminded me that I have got to be taking care of myself - thanks mama!

If everything proceeds as planned, we'll be getting started with treatment pretty quickly after getting the results of the FNA next Friday. I am trying so hard to let this journey be what it is but I seriously can't wait to get moving on what comes next. The sooner we start treatment, the sooner we get to Someday, and the sooner I get off this freakin roller coaster.

*** A perfect moment to share: ML and I called my grandma before stopping by her house the other day. She was so glad to hear from us and to hear that we were headed over. She asked if we could do her a big favor and run by the grocery. "Of course," we say, "What do you need grandma?" She replies "a bottle of Kettle One vodka!" 

Omg, I love you grandma!!! 

Capacity to Love

I found a new bloggy friend whose posts resonate so deeply with me. Ginger and Lime also has the nicest most wonderful readers and commenters. She wrote a post a while back about needing to have her pain seen and validated. It was exactly what I was trying to explain in my earlier post about My Scarlet Pain. And then she had a post about a Character Survey. I took it, and am kind of intrigued by the results. They actually seem to represent me pretty well.

Capacity to love and be loved

You value close relations with others, in particular those in which sharing and caring are reciprocated. The people to whom you feel most close are the same people who feel most close to you.

Gratitude

You are aware of the good things that happen to you, and you never take them for granted. Your friends and family members know that you are a grateful person because you always take the time to express your thanks.

Perspective (wisdom)

Although you may not think of yourself as wise, your friends hold this view of you. They value your perspective on matters and turn to you for advice. You have a way of looking at the world that makes sense to others and to yourself.

Creativity, ingenuity, and originality

Thinking of new ways to do things is a crucial part of who you are. You are never content with doing something the conventional way if a better way is possible.

Judgment, critical thinking, and open-mindedness

Thinking things through and examining them from all sides are important aspects of who you are. You do not jump to conclusions, and you rely only on solid evidence to make your decisions. You are able to change your mind.

The Virtual Lushary

I spent the morning having coffee with Jenni at the Yak Hotel, reading through her story from beginning to end. What an awesome gal she is! One of her posts led me back to Mel's Truth Lies and Bounce Virtual Lushary. What a great idea. I tried to leave a comment, but the link wasn't working. I really love the idea of a virtual bar. It inspires my imagination and I love the thought of sitting with all of you at a poolside bar, drinking mimosas, floating in the pool, and talking for hours about things that no one else in our lives seems to understand.

Mel asked us to:  Leave a comment below telling either a truth or a lie about yourself along with your monthly update about yourself.  It has to be one or the other, not a partial truth or a sort of lie.  If you’re going to lie, make it a good one.  And if you’re going to tell the truth, make it a damn fine one too.

Here is my response:
I'm a little late to this party but I'd love a Mimosa. Could you serve it to me out by the pool? (thanks!) And now for my truth/lie... The night I first met my husband, at a fraternity party in a house reminiscent of the house in Animal House, he propositioned me for a threesome with his buddy. I declined, but gave him my phone number verbally instead. Somehow despite being so inebriated that his glasses were fogged up, he remembered my digits and called me later to ask me out for lunch. The only reason I accepted the date was because I wanted a free lunch.

What do you think? Is this really how I met the man of my dreams?

*****
In other news, I spoke to the IVF nurse yesterday to let her know that we might be ready to move forward with a cycle ASAP if the FNA map shows sperm. She informed me that all of the testing that I had done for our IVF checklist "expired" in September. According to her, I'll have to repeat everything on the checklist before we can proceed. 

Are you f'ing kidding me? That will add another $5,000 to our cost. I feel sick about it. I have that nasty sinking stomach feeling, and just want to scream obscenities at a god I don't even believe in.

*****
This last week was hard, and I am so glad it is Saturday. However we made plans to visit some friends who have a one year old. We've done a great job at avoiding them all year, but finally ran out of excuses. For whatever reason, the thought of being around them with their perfect little boy makes me want to cry. The Travelers, good friends I've written about earlier, will also be at the party. Last I heard they were going to start 'trying' in June. I have this sick feeling that they are going to announce a pregnancy today. I wish we could cancel, instead I guess I have to rely on xanax.

This Rollercoaster Ride Sucks

I got the email from the Cade Foundation today.

We were not selected for their grant.

Maybe it would have been better to not even have applied. Because waiting and getting more bad news is really shitty.

I told the nurse yesterday that we only get bad news. She was so optimistic about the FNA map, which was sweet.



But whatever.
I feel tired again. and I didn't even go to work today.

This roller coaster freakin sucks.

It is what it is

I'm sitting in the waiting room while ML is undergoing FNA MAP #2. The SA that we had done this morning showed no sperm. Not such a big surprise, but still a disappointment.

Last time I cried while I waited, but today I feel ....

How do I feel?
I'm not crying.
We've done everything that could possibly be done to try and get this sperm. This is the exhaustion of all our options. We've left no stone unturned. So, at this point, it is what it is.

It is strange to not have my head full of racing swirling thoughts at a moment like this. Instead I feel strangely calm and collected. I might even say that I feel capable of rationally making decisions about what to do next.

We won't get our results from this FNA map for two weeks - by October 15th. The results will give us some percentage of success at finding sperm in an mTESE. One way or another, we will be able to move forward after October 15th. This part of the waiting game will be over. We close this chapter of the book and move on to a new chapter.

ML's doctor, I'll call him Dr. Junk since he gets to play with ML's junk, is a really nice guy. He is the first doctor who we met with who didn't leave me in tears. He has a really nice way of putting us at ease and making us feel like we are in really good hands. He is also really good at giving us information so that we can make the best decisions for us. I really really like him. I would so highly refer anyone facing male factor infertility to him, if even only for a 10 minute phone consultation. In retrospect, one of the things I would have done differently on this journey was to get our consult with Dr. Junk much earlier. He has a blog too, and I'd encourage all my male factor bloggy friends to check it out...

I planned to take the rest of this week off work, as I've learned to plan for the worst with every procedure and every time we get test results. I am also going to block off some time after we get the results. Grieving is really hard work.

Tagged by Julie

Thanks Julie for the 'tag'! haha. I am not very good at all these personal questions but will give it my best shot :)

1. If you could live anywhere in the world, where would it be and why?

I really love my home. I live in the same town where I grew up. I hated it when I was younger and couldn't wait to leave. After being gone for college and then spending a year in a big city after graduation I couldn't wait to get back here. I appreciate it so much more now. I love being next to the ocean. I love the moderate weather. I love the small town community. I love that my family is known here (I am 4th generation). So in all reality I can say that I choose to live here. 

2. If you could have one magical item granted to you, what would the item be and what would it do? 

It would probably be a magic wand that I could use to bring comfort to people who are in pain or suffering. I can't tell you how often I actually refer to my imaginary magic wand as a way to help in a situation where words or actions just don't cut it.

3. If you could have dinner with one person from history, who would it be? (And where would you take them?)

This question is hard. I thought about it all night. My gut response was my grandpa. He died about 5 years ago, and I miss him so much. He was always such a strong paternal figure for our entire family. Sometimes I feel like certain things wouldn't have happened in our family if grandpa was still alive. He should have been at my sisters wedding. and he would have made my dad come too. I have no idea how, but somehow I feel like he would offer me a special kind of comfort during this journey. I don't want to just have dinner with him, i want him to be here with us, sitting in his wicker chair, in the living room of my grandparents old house. gosh, I miss my grandpa.

4. What is your favorite flavor of ice cream?

I love chocolate. But some days I love vanilla. And Cookies and Cream is really good too. But if mint chip is in the freezer then that is my favorite. We eat a lot of ice cream!  We are actually pretty snobby about it and only eat the premium stuff. The was a time when ML would polish off a full pint of haggen daaz every night after dinner. 

5. If you were only allowed to watch 3 movies for the rest of your life, what would they be?

Forrest Gump is an all time favorite of mine. Dirty Dancing and Goonies. Oh how I would LOVE to invite all you bloggy friends over for a Saturday afternoon movie party. 

6. Would you rather be a wizard or a vampire?

Hmmm. I don't think that I'd like being a vampire very much. I like the sunshine a lot, and would never want my existence to depend on sucking the blood of others. Yuk. But I don't know very much about wizards or what it might be like to be a wizard. Maybe I would prefer to be a witch. Witches get to make magic potions, and fly on broomsticks, and stay up all night with their other witch friends. But only for a little while, then I want to come home and be me, cuddled on the couch with ML. 

7. What is your favorite quote, and who said it?

"Let the Beauty we love be what we do. There are a hundred ways to kneel and kiss the ground." it is a Rumi translation by Coleman Barks. I discovered it while on a semester long backpacking trip in college. It spoke to me then and continues to be a guiding force for my life decisions. 

8. If you were offered a job you knew you would hate every second of, but they offered you a million dollars, would you take it?

Well it depends on the contract of course. Are they offering me a million dollar signing bonus? a million dollar a year annual salary? How long do I have to work at said job to get the million dollars? I have always been lucky enough to have the choice to work at a place that I enjoy doing work that I enjoy with people I enjoy. I would be willing to work at a job I hated, for a limited period of time, if it meant that I would have the option of not working for pay for the rest of my life. According to my calculations, one million dollars would pay out about $40k in interest annually, allowing me the flexibility to work where-ever I wanted for the rest of my life.

I did it! All questions are answered! Are you impressed? You should be!

Now I get to ask some questions of my own...

1. What is your favorite holiday and why?

2. How much time do you spend on the phone? on blogger? 

3. What are your favorite TV shows?

4. How did you meet your lover?

5. What is your favorite color of nail polish?

6. What in your life are you most proud of, personally or professionally?

7. Did you have a Batchelorette Party? What did you do?

8. Where do you blog from? (I mean, where is your computer, describe the setting.)

I am tagging everyone who reads this post (and wants to participate) to participate. Just be sure to leave me a comment so that I can come see your answers to this tag. (I am especially hoping that Brandie, Bumpy, Jenni, Augusta, Alison, and StarFish will all participate so I can learn more about you ladies.)