Resiliancy

I've been working hard to build my resiliancy so that I am prepared for the road ahead of us. I think that I am generally a happy positive person. I like to have fun, I smile a lot, I try to always see the best in people. I've had periods of my life where anxiety and depression took over, but I've always bounced back. 

The Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines resilience as:

1 : the capability of a strained body to recover its size and shape after deformation caused especially by compressive stress2 : an ability to recover from or adjust easily to misfortune or change

I've always thought about resiliancy being like a rubber band that is stretched but then snaps back to normal. The thing is that its hard to snap back when other things keep stretching me, and the things that are stretching me are changing my original shape. It also feels like rather than an acute 'snap', it is a long slow process. I am resilient, but it has become a constant state of being that requires my constant attention. 

Mayo Clinic's website lists the following tips to improve resilience. 

Working on your mental well-being is just as important as working on your physical health. If you want to strengthen your resilience, try these tips:

• Get connected. Build strong, positive relationships with family and friends, who provide support and acceptance. Volunteer, get involved in your community, or join a faith or spiritual community.

• Find meaning. Develop a sense of purpose for your life. Having something meaningful to focus on can help you share emotions, feel gratitude and experience an enhanced sense of well-being.
• Start laughing. Finding humor in stressful situations doesn't mean you're in denial. Humor is a helpful coping mechanism. If you can't find any humor in a situation, turn to other sources for a laugh, such as a funny book or movie.
• Learn from experience. Think back on how you've coped with hardships in the past. Build on skills and strategies that helped you through the rough times, and don't repeat those that didn't help.
• Remain hopeful. You can't change what's happened in the past, but you can always look toward the future. Find something in each day that signals a change for the better. Expect good results.
• Take care of yourself. Tend to your own needs and feelings, both physically and emotionally. This includes participating in activities and hobbies you enjoy, exercising regularly, getting plenty of sleep and eating well.
• Keep a journal. Write about your experiences, thoughts and feelings. Journaling can help you experience strong emotions you may otherwise be afraid to unleash. It also can help you see situations in a new way and help you identify patterns in your behavior and reactions.
• Accept and anticipate change. Expecting changes to occur makes it easier to adapt to them, tolerate them and even welcome them. With practice, you can learn to be more flexible and not view change with as much anxiety.
• Work toward a goal. Do something every day that gives you a sense of accomplishment. Even small, everyday goals are important. Having goals helps you look toward the future.
• Take action. Don't just wish your problems would go away or try to ignore them. Instead, figure out what needs to be done, make a plan and take action.
• Maintain perspective. Look at your situation in the larger context of your own life and of the world. Keep a long-term perspective and know that your situation can improve if you actively work at it.
• Practice stress management and relaxation techniques. Restore an inner sense of peace and calm by practicing such stress-management and relaxation techniques as yoga, meditation, deep breathing, visualization, imagery, prayer or muscle relaxation.

I have what I call my Toolkit. All the things that I have in place to support me and help me get through this journey.

• My lover and our communication with each other.
• This blog journal and the wonders of writing.
• My sister, mom, and bestie who know everything and love me so much.
• This online community and the ability to read your stories and know that I am not alone.
• My happy pills.
• My wonderful therapist.
• My emergency happy pills for especially trying times.
• The Resolve group I recently found.
• Nail polish to keep my fingers and toes beautiful.
• Pilates - that I really need to go to more often.
• Permission to cancel any plans at any time for any reason.
• A boss who is supportive and understanding.
• A job that is rewarding and challenging and flexible and has meaning.
• my puppy and kitty who are so soft and cuddly.

I also have so much to be grateful for. So much. No matter how low I feel, I always come back to the many things that I have to be thankful for. And while I think that having that perspective is important, I feel like it is important to experience the feelings that I am having at any point on this journey. There is a balance. The feelings I am having are real and valid, and I want to honor them. However I don't want to take for granted any of the many wonderful things in my life. 

One of the most wonderful things in my life is my bestie. I met her when we were in second grade. Our family moved in to the house next door to her. I 'met' her as she was escaping through her bedroom window. We became best buddies that day and have been besties ever since. I LOVE her and I LOVE her family and they LOVE me. She kept me company yesterday while I wallowed on the couch. Her adorable little daughter flirted with me and offered me so many sweet hugs.  She is a wonderful mom and I love being around her and her babe. I want to tell her about this blog, but I am hesitant to open it up to others in my real life. ML is the only one who reads it, but in the spirit of strengthening my support system, I think it could be a good thing.  I almost told her yesterday, but stopped. What do you think?

For the time being, this someecard says it all:

(check out Katie's post for more postcards, and a good laugh.)

Friday the 13th

I called in sick to work today. Thinking about leaving the house was just too much. I feel depleted.

Grandma update
Taking care of my grandma was fine, but really heavy stuff. I stayed with her in her hospital room on Wednesday night. All things considered we got a lot of sleep, in between the staff who came into the room every couple hours to check on here. There was one nurse who came in around midnight, turned the light on, and loudly announced that she as there to check vital signs. I jumped up and asked if grandma needed to be awake for the exam. Grandma had been asleep for a couple hours and I know that sleep is important for healing. I got the light turned off and quietly asked the lady to let grandma keep sleeping.

At one point in the middle of the night I heard some rustling and caught grandma as she was trying to get out of bed, on her own, to go potty. I got to her right away and was able to call for a couple additional nurses to help her. Had I not been there, she would have fallen out of her bed.

The next day was busy, with an almost constant stream of nurses and doctors and therapists coming and going. My aunt arrived from out of town just in time for the transfer to a rehabilitation center. I'd planned to go to work for the afternoon, but I was exhausted and didn't have a car anyways. So I stayed with my grandma while my aunt did some errands back to the house. I think that grandma will be in very good hands at the rehab facility. She is already making so much daily progress, and really wants to get home and be independent again.

They expect that she will be at this facility for two weeks before she can go home, at which point she will need a lot of help. I need to talk to my aunt, but assume that family will take on a large part of that responsibility.

Car(s) Update
Around five my mom came to help me get my car situation figured out. (ML was still waiting for our other car to get out of the shop.) We picked up the keys, got some water to fill the radiator (assuming it had just overheated), and called the tow truck. We waited for over TWO hours for a tow truck to arrive. The automated service had quoted us a 45 minute wait, and we'd received two automated follow up calls telling us that service was arriving any minute. Finally the tow driver called me directly and was so rude. He demanded to know why I needed a jumpstart on the highway. When I explained everything and stated that I might also need a tow, he got all upset with me. Excuse me. Finally we waved down a different tow truck, and within a minute our tow truck arrived. The guy really was a jerk. The car ended up getting towed after some arguments about what service our plan covered. I was ready to cry.

My mom and I hopped into her car to follow the tow truck, and as luck would have it, her car battery had died. The tow truck was gone and we were once again stranded. Mom called a friend who came and gave us a jump, and finally dropped me off with ML (at his work.) I felt like I was going to lose it, but he packed me up and we headed home just before eight. Our 'reliable' care was back in working order, with the 'old' van having replaced it at the shop.

The shop was able to fix up the van with new brakes, which apparently it really needed, a new battery, and new radiator fluid with a leaky hose fixed. We've spent way too much money to keep our lame old cars running this month and are wondering if we should just sell them and get newer cars. We've only ever driven or bought used cars, without ever having a car loan. We thought that we were saving money with this strategy, but right now we aren't sure if it might be cheaper to drive new cars that are reliable and don't require so much maintenance. We just bought ourselves a few more months with the ones we have, but we need to figure out a plan of action for the next time the cars quit working.

SA Update
It is what it is. Rather than being an acute emotional response, I think that it has just taken some wind out of my sail. My emotional reserves are a little depleted, which might make the rest of life's challenges this week a little harder to deal with.

Our plan is to continue for another two months with the FSH hormone injections for ML. We'll probably have another SA the first week of October, followed by another FNA mapping biopsy that same week. I'll probably want to check in with our RE sometime next month so that I can be ready for whatever comes next. If the SA or FNA show sperm, we'll need to continue the FSH injections and get me ready for IVF asap. If there is no sperm, then I think I'll want to try for diui with my next cycle. Either way that sets us up to cycle, for our first real attempt at pregnancy, this fall, in late October or November. I feel like there is a lot more to say about that, but I don't have the words just yet.

In other news
I was honored this week to be asked to formally endorse a school bond measure for the November ballot. My name will be listed, with four other very prominent community members on the ballot statement. I've volunteered for years on some district committees, hoping that our local schools will improve before I ever need to send my kids. I said that if my name is being used, I need to be involved on the campaign steering committee, which is one more thing to feel overwhelmed about, but should end up being very rewarding.

The house is a mess. I feel like I should have cleaned it while I was home all day. The puppy is shedding a lot and there are fur balls everywhere. The kitchen is a mess, the bed needs new sheets, the laundry is all piled up. I just don't want to think about it.

ML is working on a political campaign. The big election is next week, so he is in crunch mode working LONG hours between now and then, including this weekend, leaving me solo to keep the household in working order. After this gig ends, he will be back to being unemployed. I am feeling a little nervous about that. He is so smart and talented and could do just about anything he wants. There is and will continue to be very little work in the field he studied so hard to become licensed in. Until things change, I think it is time to look at a back-up career.

A few Shout-Outs
I want to send a big hug over to The Queen at My Bumpy Journey for her shout-out. I love her blog and lover her attitude and am hoping that we will get to cycle together this fall. The awesome giggly girl Alison at The Privileged Infertile redesigned the Queen's header and has new plans in the works for IVF this fall! Keep your fingers crossed for Dory at Just Keep Swimming who had a successful ER and TESE. Her emotional story takes me back to the day ML had his biopsy. I'm also holding Kakunaa at Spermination Station in my thoughts as well as she nears the end of her 2ww.

*****
Writing all of my worries out seems to make them feel a little more manageable. I still think that I need some time to recoup and regroup. I have the weekend to take it easy.

Friday the 13th

I called in sick to work today. Thinking about leaving the house was just too much. I feel depleted.

Grandma update
Taking care of my grandma was fine, but really heavy stuff. I stayed with her in her hospital room on Wednesday night. All things considered we got a lot of sleep, in between the staff who came into the room every couple hours to check on here. There was one nurse who came in around midnight, turned the light on, and loudly announced that she as there to check vital signs. I jumped up and asked if grandma needed to be awake for the exam. Grandma had been asleep for a couple hours and I know that sleep is important for healing. I got the light turned off and quietly asked the lady to let grandma keep sleeping.

At one point in the middle of the night I heard some rustling and caught grandma as she was trying to get out of bed, on her own, to go potty. I got to her right away and was able to call for a couple additional nurses to help her. Had I not been there, she would have fallen out of her bed.

The next day was busy, with an almost constant stream of nurses and doctors and therapists coming and going. My aunt arrived from out of town just in time for the transfer to a rehabilitation center. I'd planned to go to work for the afternoon, but I was exhausted and didn't have a car anyways. So I stayed with my grandma while my aunt did some errands back to the house. I think that grandma will be in very good hands at the rehab facility. She is already making so much daily progress, and really wants to get home and be independent again.

Car(s) Update
Around five my mom came to help me get my car situation figured out. (ML was still waiting for our other car to get out of the shop.) We picked up the keys, got some water to fill the radiator (assuming it had just overheated), and called the tow truck. We waited for over TWO hours for a tow truck to arrive. The automated service had quoted us a 45 minute wait, and we'd received two automated follow up calls telling us that service was arriving any minute. Finally the tow driver called me directly and was so rude. He demanded to know why I needed a jumpstart on the highway. When I explained everything and stated that I might also need a tow, he got all upset with me. Excuse me. Finally we waved down a different tow truck, and within a minute our tow truck arrived. The guy really was a jerk. The car ended up getting towed after some arguments about what service our plan covered. I was ready to cry.

My mom and I hopped into her car to follow the tow truck, and as luck would have it, her car battery had died. The tow truck was gone and we were once again stranded. Mom called a friend who came and gave us a jump, and finally dropped me off with ML (at his work.) I felt like I was going to lose it, but he packed me up and we headed home just before eight. Our 'reliable' care was back in working order, with the 'old' van having replaced it at the shop.

The shop was able to fix up the van with new brakes, which apparently it really needed, a new battery, and new radiator fluid with a leaky hose fixed. We've spent way too much money to keep our lame old cars running this month and are wondering if we should just sell them and get newer cars. We've only ever driven or bought used cars, without ever having a car loan. We thought that we were saving money with this strategy, but right now we aren't sure if it might be cheaper to drive new cars that are reliable and don't require so much maintenance. We just bought ourselves a few more months with the ones we have, but we need to figure out a plan of action for the next time the cars quit working.

SA Update
It is what it is. Rather than being an acute emotional response, I think that it has just taken some wind out of my sail. My emotional reserves are a little depleted, which might make the rest of life's challenges this week a little harder to deal with.

Our plan is to continue for another two months with the FSH hormone injections for ML.

Reality Hits Hard

I never would have imagined how much it meant to receive so much love and support from all of you earlier this week. Thank you for walking this journey with me.

* * * * *

A few hours after my last post, I got a call letting me know that my Grandma had a stroke. She'd been at a writing class (no wonder I love writing so much!) and couldn't stand up to read her poem. Thank god that she was with so many people, because they called for help right away. She was able to get treatment very quickly. 

I adore my grandma. 

I am on night duty with her at the hospital tonight. We haven't left her alone since she arrive at the ED on Monday. Even laying in a hospital bed, with all of these iv's and monitors and bleeping lights, she is as graceful and composed as I have ever been. She really is an amazing woman. 

I miss my grandpa. His time with us ended just a few months after my wedding. He always was the family patriarch. We all looked to him for guidance and direction. What grandpa said was the way things were. He was so wise and strong. I miss him all the time. 

Grandma has been on her own since he passed. Its been hard for her, I know. But she is so strong. A military wife who raised four young ones while her husband fought for our county in wars where many soldiers never came home - yep she's a fighter. and I love her.

I cried when they sold the family home. We all did. They needed the money, and the house was too big. It had been grandma's parents home when they settled here. She lived there with the kids while grandpa was away at war. We lived there with grandma and grandpa when my dad got out of the army. That home was always home for me, for my dad, for grandma. 

My grandma is a beautiful woman. Really gorgeous. She was beautiful always, and has aged so gracefully. She told my sister this afternoon, "thank god her face looks okay, because that would just be too much." 

My aunt will arrive tomorrow. She is the youngest of the four, the only girl, and the one who grandpa left in charge of the affairs before he passed. She and grandma are hilarious together. Grandma loves it when Aunt comes to visit, and Aunt's heart breaks that she is so far away the rest of the time. 

You know, I dream of growing old with ML. I dream of celebrating our 50th wedding anniversary surrounded by our family, like we did for my grandparents. My grandma may be getting older, but she is not alone. Not tonight, and not ever. 

* * * * *

So on my way over to the hospital tonight, driving our 13 year old 275k mile minivan that we bought from my MIL 150k ago, I noticed the temperature gage was on hot. I called ML and he said not to panic, we'd deal with it the next day. It was just a few more miles so I continued. 

It felt like the car was losing power, but I was driving up a hill and at my exit anyway. As I roll up to the stoplight the car lost power. And then smoke started poring out of the hood, and into the cabin. I threw on the blinkers and jumped out of the car with my phone. Freakin Ay. 

Some guy stopped and helped me move the car out of way of traffic. My phone was nearly dead, my mom was waiting for me to relieve her from her shift at the hospital, I was so flustered that I couldn't figure out how to call for roadside assistance. Smoke continued to pour from the car.  I really was just down the road from the hospital so I grabbed my overnight bag, locked the car, and caught a ride to a safer location with the guy who had stopped. F. me - I'd locked the keys in the car. 

I called the roadside assistance and they said that they couldn't get a tow truck out until I had the keys. Gotta love it that our other car is currently in the shop. And just tonight we were talking about how reliable and trouble free the van has been. I should have knocked on wood.

I had my mom leave a note on the windshield, and have my fingers crossed that the CHP doesn't tow us tonight. ML will bike the extra set of keys over in the morning and we'll deal with it then. 

* * * * *

I felt so tired today. Like the delayed emotion of Monday's news was slowly catching up with me. Not in the sense that I feel sadder now, just that I feel a little drained emotionally. Tired. and a little hopeless again. It all just feels so futile, and pointless. Like the pain/happiness balance is out of wack and there is just too much hurt. I want to think that the happiness will come back around again, but it feels so far away. 

No Miracle for Us

The doctor finally called with the results of Fridays SA.

No sperm.

Pretty much what I knew deep down to expect. I toyed with other expectations, but can't say that I actually believed that we would get any other news. As I told ML, we only get bad news.

So, thats that. We'll continue with the $1,600 /month FSH injections for another two months, then do another SA, then another $3,700 FNA MAP biopsy. Same plan as before.

I'd been expecting to get our SA results on Friday, but the nurse informed us it usually took 24 hours for the lab to get back with results. She promised to call us as soon as she had the info, most likely on Monday. I asked that they email us instead of calling if it was Monday before the results came. (I didn't want to be waiting by the phone all day.) We didn't hear from her on Friday by the close of business, so I figured first thing Monday we'd be getting a call and/or email. We got neither before ML and I left for work. I texted ML at noon to see if there was any news. I called him at 1:30 and asked him to call the office. He spoke with the nurse who said that she had the results, but didn't want to say anything about them and would have the Dr call us at 3:45pm.

This is what I wrote while I waited for 2 hours until we heard from the Doctor. (disclaimer: I really do LOVE this doctor and his nurse and his office. I just had to release my anxiety into words, and in this post he unfortunately gets the brunt of my pain.)

You can help. You can help minimize my anxiety and the trauma of this experience by setting clear expectations for me. The process of waiting for test results is so often more stressful than the actual test itself. Please be clear about when the results will be ready and how you will share them with me. Please do not ever again hold MY test results so that YOU can call me at your convenience to tell me about them. That is a really mean kind of torture. That is why I hate you right now. and why I hate having to deal with doctors. I promise you that my imagination is far worse than anything you could ever tell me. Your nurse could have told us what the results were, emailed us a copy of the labs, and then had you call us to discuss it later. You really don't have a clue about how hard this is for us. for me. this waiting is the worst kind of hell. 


So, either there is no sperm and we keep doing what we're doing... or there is sperm and we start freezing it for ivf. You told us before that those were the options. Is there some other option that you're going to spring on us now? please don't. Are there sperm, but there is something wrong with them? Are there a gazillion sperm and we can get pregnant naturally and you just wanted to be the on to tell us? F. You, because the stress hormones that you've flooded my body with will sure as hell interfere with that plan.


Your nurse said that she would call as soon as she go the results. But then we had to call her and she is making us wait to talk to you. damn it. 


I am trying so hard to just be present right here and now. Its not like my knowing at this moment will change anything. It won't. So I try to breath and focus on this first day back to work. But I just cancelled a meeting so that I can be by the phone for your call. F. You. It is hard to breath when that anxiety band around my chest feels so freakin tight. 


I may be a little neurotic about this, but I know what I am not alone. I know that all of my IF sisters will say the same thing as I am right now. It is a huge comfort for me to know that, and should be a huge lesson for you - one that you and your nurse need to learn and remember. In all other regards, you've been awesome, and I really do love you. I just wish that you cold know how hard this is for me to wait right now and that there are a few things you could have done to prevent this unnecessary anxiety. 

For what its worth I did tell him when we spoke that i wished his nurse could have given us this info when ML spoke to her hours ago and that it was really hard to wait. He apologized and said that he always gives critical information personally, and that she shouldn't have told us that she would call. For what its worth I think he might have picked up on the stress in my voice and will be more careful about the expectations that he sets with his patients from here on out.

Hot Water

Hot water that comes of of the ground is freakin amazing. I never cease to be fully amazed at the wonders of nature when I discover naturally created hot pools of water inviting me to soak. We’d planned to camp at a hot spring last night. (*at the time of writing - this post had to wait for internet access.)

I dropped the boys (ML and Mr.T) off to take a 60 mile bike ride and spent the next three hours wandering around the cutest little town. The plan was to follow the path that they took and meet up with them at a ranger station. The plan fell apart when the road turned from a paved one to a gravel one. I could see their tire tracks so I figured they persevered to follow the plan. There were a number of forks in the road and I did my best to guess which way to turn. Every so often I’d come across a sign that pointed in the direction of my destination.  I was concerned that I might be lost, and that I was no longer following the path that the boys took, and that no one would know where to come looking for me if something happened, but continued on my way.

And then, after at least an hour of driving and forking, the gravel road was blocked. Totally blocked. A big gravel mound with a few fallen trees. No possible way over or around it. Crap. 

Panic started to set in. Where the fuck was I? Why didn’t they leave me a sign? There was nothing for me to do but back up and go back. I had no idea how to go back, there had been so many forks in the road. I thought that they must have just continued over the roadblock and continued to our agreed upon destination. Even if I did find my way back to where I’d started from it would take me an extra three or four hours to get to the destination on an alternate path. 

I looked at the clock. It was already 8pm. It was going to get dark soon. crap. I came across another fork in the road. I had to pee. As I got back into the car I had that awful skin prickly feeling that I get when anxiety is taking over. I took some deep breaths and decided that all I could do at this point was commit to a different direction. There was a directional sign at this junction. I wrote a note with my name, the date, the time, and the direction that I was heading in, thinking that the boys must be at the destination realizing that was lost in the national forest and maybe getting ready to send a ranger out to look for me.  I tucked my note into the sign and continued on.

Long panicked story short, I left a few more notes, finally ended up back on a paved road that had an arrow drawn into it with charcoal. Turns out that there were a whole series of arrows at each succeeding junction, and that they were in fact left for me. At some point my phone beeped with a text message from ML. The boys knew I must be lost and were waiting for me at a pizza place in the nearest town. He told me that they left arrows for me. Not sure how the text came thru, because I still had no cell service. 

Finally, I was found. The boys were found. An hour after sitting close to ML I was feeling back to normal. We were no where near our planned destination. We got some dinner at a little diner and directions to a nearby campground. 

There is more to say here (about dinner), but it is for another post.

We found a beautiful national forest campground (blue pool) right along a river. Perfect. and in the morning our neighbors told us about a hot springs a mile up the road. it was beautiful. We made some breakfast, packed up camp, unloaded a mile down the road and spent the next hour soaking up the glorious natural hot water that was emerging from the ground in a perfect little pool right alongside the river.  

Our best laid plans went terribly array, yet we still managed to find exactly what we were  looking for all along. Beautiful.

Ugly Babies

Early morning at the hideout. the dead weaving its way through the trees and tents. the sun hiding behind a blanket of high clouds, yet present in a gentle morning diffusion of light.  People emerging from their slumber, moving slowly, with sleep hazy smiles when they see me. sitting here on a camp chair, wrapped warm with a blanket, waiting for some coffee to brew. 

thinking this morning while cuddled next to my love what it is that I love about being here. The music of course, but there is something so much more. The people, my friends, who are here with me, I love them too, but it doesn’t allow for that deep personal connection of long late night talks. 

I am entertained here. there is just so much to look at. so many people and costumes and colors.

What i really need to get off my mind... I watch the people walk by and I stare at the bellies. is that a beer belly or a baby belly i wonder. the baby bellies are here, but mostly hidden. I stare at the families, especially the ones with the babes held close. The moms and dads look so happy, and in love. I feel their love.

Unfortunately the one that is here with our group makes me feel so negative and hateful. Maybe because she is so negative. She walks around talking to no one (maybe she thought I was listening) about how awful it is to be pregnant, and about how hard it is to travel with a babe. I told ML that her baby is ugly. I hate to be so mean, but i really feel that. I’m avoiding her. I considered saying something, but she wouldn’t get it, she wouldn’t care. I just want her to shut up, and to stay away from me. But I can avoid just as easily. 

Before the show last night I was in the cuddle puddle (don’t ask) with Mr. Traveler and some others. I told Mr. T that I thought the baby was ugly. He was flabbergasted that I would say something so awful, but understood that I just had to get it off my chest. He was really sweet, and agreed that she was hard to be around. Everyone rolled their eyes when she cruised into our camp (from her RV camp) one morning and announced that everyone needed to be quiet because the baby was napping. Excuse us (all 20 of us) but maybe you should have stayed at your camp while your ugly baby sleeeps.

battery on low. until recharge.. xoxo

The World Travelers

We have these awesome friends. I’m going to call them Mr and Mrs World Traveler. (Mr T and Mrs T, for short.) Mr T and ML were in a fraternity together in college. 

They both drank like fish and and smoked so much 4.2.0. its surprising that they have functioning livers or lungs left. This fraternity was like animal house. A very diverse and random assortment of guys who, against all odds, have turned out to be some of the most successful people we know. Many of our closest friends are rooted in the relationships that ML formed through that fraternity. In fact, I met ML in that dirty house one night, but that too is a story for another post. 

So Mr. T and ML became good friends in college. Mr. T was ML’s best man at our wedding, and ML was Mr. T’s best man at his. I guess you could say that ML and Mr. T are like besties. When our world started to fall apart last year, (after the azoos diagnosis, work slowing down substantially for ML, and our dog died) I started feeling like ML must need a friend. I have a pretty solid support network with my bestie, my sister and my mom, but he really didn’t have anyone, and I worried about that. So I called Mr.T and without going into any details asked if he could reach out to ML. 

I think that Mr. and Mrs. T had some inclination that something was going on with us. We’d stayed at their house a few times when we had to travel to the City for early appointments. They knew that we were seeing doctors, and were stressed out about some stuff, but we’d sent some pretty strong signals that indicated we didn’t want to talk about it. 

I am friends with Mrs. T, but we are not super close. I love her and love hanging out with her, but we don’t actually have that much in common and probably wouldn’t make the effort if it weren’t for Mr T and ML. We’d always talked about starting our families sometime in 2009, and used to gossip about who was or wasn’t drinking at parties. She is super career oriented and travels a lot for her job. She’s always worried about how maternity leave will affect her career ladder. Earlier this year, on a ski trip, on a ski lift, she asked about our “plans”. Without saying much I just told her that we’d encountered some serious challenges and that it wasn’t going to happen without some serious assistance. And then last time we visited, maybe a few months ago, I must have been in a really good place because we talked about it a little more. I didn’t divulge many details, but was able to tell her how hard it has been and how hard the road ahead of us will be. She was really kind and empathetic, of course.

Every so often I ask ML if he has shared our situation with any of his friends, and he always says no. Until this weekend. 

We were festival camping with a big group of friends, including Mr. T.   I saw them sitting together and decided against joining them. ML later told me that he’d spilled his guts and told Mr. T everything. He said that it felt good to get it all off his chest. I feel so relieved. It feels so much better to know that ML has a friend who he can share this all with. A friend who knows the depths of what we are dealing with. 

One Day at a Time

ML fell, or maybe he jumped, off the wagon last Saturday night. He quit drinking in January of 2001. Its been almost 10 years. I freaked out. Lost it. I had no idea how scary it would be for me to see him drink again. I guess I always figured he would someday, but I wasn’t prepared for it. 

When I met him, he drank a lot. A lot. We had a TON of fun, don’t get me wrong, but it wasn’t what I wanted for my life partner. We dated for almost a year before I decided to move on. I remember telling him that he might consider the effects that drinking was having on his life, but I never predicated our relationship on status of his sobriety. 

We stayed in close touch. Even after I had graduated, moved away, and gotten a ‘real’ job. There was a point when something changed. Over the phone in a matter of a few weeks I felt like I had grown closer to him than I had in the year that I’d known him. It was like there was a depth that suddenly appeared. It probably wasn’t the best description but it was all that I could come up with at the time - I explained to him that there was an extra layer of pie, a layer that I never knew was missing, but that was so delicious and wonderful and made the pie complete.

He’d gotten a d.ui that January after I’d left and decided that it was time to make a change. I’ve been grateful every day since then that he made that choice that allowed our relationship to grow into the beautiful thing that it is today. 

So, on Saturday night, after Mr. T poured ML a gin and tonic, I started to panic. 

We’d decided, well I should clarify that I decided and asked him to agree, that we would be sober this weekend. Don’t judge us, but there are certain occasions where ML and our friends partake in recreational, err, uhh, party favors. And with all of our investment in ML’s sperm, I didn’t want to jeopardize anything. I’ve never felt the need to partake so it wasn’t an issue for me, but I agreed to not drink all weekend so that he wasn’t the only sober one. 

It sucks that this time when we probably need to let lose and relax more than ever is the one time when we can’t. I felt awful asking him to refrain, but he would tell you that he is in full agreement.

He’d mentioned that he was thinking about having a cocktail earlier in the evening. It was the first time that I’d ever heard him talk about being tempted. He said that he felt disconnected from everyone and left out. He wasn’t having a good time. I didn’t know what to say. I mean it is his choice to make. I tried to say that it was a really big decision, one probably best made when not under temptation. I honestly didn’t think he was serious. I believed that he was tempted, I just didn’t believe that he would make the choice to have a drink. 

On our way back to camp after the show we passed by a local band playing a rocking bluegrass version of gin and juice. Maybe that was the sign that he needed to make the choice he did. 

So I freaked out. Totally surprised by my panic I climbed into my tent and the tears started. ML was clearly having a great time. He was happier than I’ve seen him in a long time. Smiling and talking and almost skipping around camp. I felt like a jerk climbing out of my tent and asking him to come to bed with me. He chose me and came to bed. I cried and blubbered about how scared I was and how I needed to know what ‘his plan’ was and what ‘this’ meant. He was so kind and sweet and listened and reassured me. 

The next morning we talked a little. I was calmer. It is what it is. Today is different than it was 10 years ago. We’ll take this one step at a time. 

My dad chose his alcoholism over me. It is a choice, and I would simply die if ML ever chose alcohol over me. I couldn’t take that. That is my fear. I know that he loves me, and would never want to make that choice, but my dad did, and I can’t deny that it doesn’t scare me that ML could do the same thing. 

Its not all bad. On Sunday night we both had a few drinks and talked. We talked about stuff that we really needed to talk about. He told me that he is totally on board with our family. With whatever we have to do to build our family. He assured me that I will be pregnant and that he can’t wait and that it isn’t about him or sperm, but about US. 

I told him that I’d been so unhappy for so long, that I had to grieve. That my unhappiness wasn’t about him, that my grief was real and necessary. That I too grieved over the loss of his sperm. It was SO wonderful to talk to ML about all of these things that we needed to talk about. I told him that it meant so much for me to hear him say these things, that I needed to know how he felt, and that I needed to know that he wanted this as much as I do. It was a conversation that caused tears, of happiness. 

We laughed and talked with our friends and stayed up until the party people dispersed and finally found our way into bed for the night. I love him so much and I don’t doubt for a moment that he doesn’t feel the same for me. This journey is about US and we WILL make it through it. 

I don’t know where this (the choice to drink) leaves us or where this will take us, or what it means for tomorrow. All I know is that it is happening one day at a time and all I can do is handle it the best I can one day at a time.

Encore

Gonna pick myself up off the ground
When that old feeling comes around again
I’ve had enough of feeling down
There’s something I’ve lost that must be found again

Sometimes it seems like such a hard life
But there’s good times around the bend
The rollercoaster’s got to roll to the bottom
If you want to climb to the top again

Driving down the highway in the rain
Look out of my window and see that southbound train
It’s headlights still shining in my brain
Stayed right alongside me just to ease my pain

Sometimes it seems like such a hard life
But there’s good times around the bend
The rollercoaster’s got to roll to the bottom
If you want to climb to the top again

Well the snow is gone and the springtime’s here
And the rivers song is buzzing in my ears
Sit and watch the treetops sway
Here comes a breeze to blow my cares away

Sometimes it seems like such a hard life
But there’s good times around the bend
The rollercoaster’s got to roll to the bottom
If you want to climb to the top again