A Year Ago Today

I think it was a Monday. I was in my car. The meeting I was supposed to be at had been canceled. 

I was waiting for his text. 

ML was meeting with his new doctor. Getting the results of his first semen analysis. We’d been trying for 18 months and I kind-of knew something was wrong. 

     Foxy: Hi love

          ML: I’m at the office but haven’t spoken with the doctor yet

(about 30 minutes later)

          ML: weird news

          ML: Doctor went to call a urologist.

     Foxy: Can u call me?

     Foxy: no meeting - I’m coming now

          ML: Ok. I’m still at the doctor.

We must have talked at that point, I can’t remember. He told me that the results were zero. I didn’t understand. Apparently the doctor didn’t understand either. He looked at the results and had to leave the room to call a UR to find out what the zero results meant. 

My memory of the text exchange is crystal clear, as are a few other moments from that day. Searching google via my phone to discover the word azoospermia. Sitting at the taqueria for lunch sick to my stomach watching my lovers eyes fill with tears and seeing the pain that he was trying so hard to hide. Being at home later that evening, curled up together on the couch crying. Realizing that if I didn’t call my mom that night, I’d have to relive the pain again another day when I told her. Calling her, she was on the other line with her cousin, telling her and barely getting the words out. It was a short conversation, and I collapsed into uncontrolled sobs into the strong loving arms of ML. 

It hurt to breath. 

Thank god for google that night. We both searched desperately. Desperate to find a hope that we could cling to. A hope that the stupid doctor knew nothing about and failed to offer.

How is this possible. How could this pain hurt so much. How is it possible that my world could simply shatter around me so fast. I knew immediately that I would never be the same. I knew that we would never be the same. Everything had changed. I knew it.

How could my love for this man have grown so much stronger in a matter of a few hours. If I knew anything, it was that my love for him had never been so fierce. My commitment to him, to our relationship, was more important to me than anything. 

The loss I felt in those first hours was overwhelming. So many dreams had vanished into smoke. a natural conception. a house full of kids. a normal pregnancy. a savings account. 

I think I went into shock. I felt like I had been hit. hard. and that another hit was going to come at any moment. I had to brace myself for that next hit. I had to physically hold myself together. To hold my body stiff and solid so that I was ready for the next hit. 

I had to think about every breath. The natural reflex to breath had disappeared. Breath in. Breath out. Nothing was natural anymore. My world had stopped spinning. 

Whale Breath

As a follow-up to that awesome training I did two weeks ago I had a meeting planned yesterday to meet with a few of the other participants. You know how there are people who you feel so lucky to have crossed paths with - I feel so grateful to get to work with these two individuals. They are social scientists who have the most brilliant way of understanding group dynamics, group process, and how to actually get things done. We all work on a community collaborative as representative of our various organizations. They are a bit older and more experienced than I and really awesome mentors.

So yesterday morning I get an email asking if we could meet on a whale watching boat instead of at the office! Umm, Heck yeah! I was even able to bring my two girl cousins who are visiting for the weekend. So we bundled up and loaded up on the boat. As we headed out into the Pacific Ocean, the social scientists and I had the most productive discussion about how to proceed with our work. Before too long we were awed by the spouts of humpback whales. Pretty awesome to see these huge creatures breathing just above the water line.

My sweet cousins have never before been on a boat and were as impressed as two teenage delinquents could be expected to be.

Then we got lucky, the captain spotted a blue whale. We motored along to get closer and were overcome by the nastiest smell. Apparently Whale Breath is really gross smelling! We were in the vicinity of the largest animal in existence. And then it spouted - 30 ft into the air! Just as awesome was seeing it dive back down into the sea. I found this video on YouTube - not from our trip, but just as amazing. The span of their tail can be 25 feet wide!

At the training I had a fun conversation with the lady social scientist about wanting to tour all of the local outdoor fire-pits and write up reviews for them to post on a blog. The local Spa's too. I figure it would be a great excuse to explore my community a bit more and encourage me to keep writing.  So as we were boarding the boat, we started talking about social networking and the blurring line between privacy and self censorship. They were saying that they are selective about what they say in their social networks, because of the public nature of their work, yet we agreed that writing was a powerful process of self-reflection that allowed us to see problems and ourselves in a different light.

I don't know what I was thinking, but I confessed. I confessed to these friends that I had a secret blog, one that no one knew about, one where I didn't have to self-censor. I don't know why I told them, other than that it was an itty bitty teeny weeny step towards being more open about this whole experience.

Along the lines of being more open, and little bits of advocacy, I was at a healthcare forum last week with our Federal and State elected representatives. They were taking questions from the audience on little notecards. The question I submitted was about infertility mandates on health insurance, as a way to reduce the rates of multiples who require expensive NICU stays. At one point after I turned in my card I had the urge to run to the podium, interrupt the dialogue, and take back my card. I suddenly didn't feel strong enough to listen to then answer the question. A few deep breaths and I got my composure together. They ran out of time and never got to my question, but I am sure that the Reps at least read the remaining pile of questions and saw mine. Maybe it planted a little seed in their minds.

My awesome boss submitted the letter I prepared asking my employer to switch to an insurance plan that covered infertility services. She was gone last week, but we received a memo that the insurance rates will be increasing. Isn't that normally the same time that the whole insurance package is reviewed and the opportunity to make changes? I took the liberty of calling HR to follow up on her letter and ask them if now was the time to consider changes. I was informed that they were researching and preparing a response to my boss's letter. God, it would be so freakin awesome if I could get my employer to make a change like that! I would feel like superwoman!

Before I sign-off I want to send the biggest congratulations and lots of love to Julie and Jeff who are PREGNANT!!! 

Foxy's Favorite Posts Shout-Out #2

Happy 4th of July!

I was in a training from 9am-9pm all last week with two dozen community leaders learning conflict resolution and mediation skills. It was amazing. I have such high expectations for what can be possible if all of these different (and often competing agencies) worked together to solve the problems of violence and poverty and disenfranchisement that exist in our community. As we wrapped things up on Friday someone commented that we should really be celebrating today as Interdependence Day. Our County thrives as a result of our interdependence on on one another, and we could achieve so much more if we re-framed our story as one of connection and community and interdependence. A little food for thought on this beautiful summer day.

Welcome to the second edition of Foxy's Favorite Posts Shout-Out!

Circus Princess at Circus Children wrote a painfully honest post few weeks ago about the impossible choices that infertility can force upon us. I had to read it over and over again, because it put into words one of the deepest fears that I had when we started this journey. Having a family was the only thing I've ever expected out of life and I can't imagine, simply can't fathom, a life without kids, yet I value my relationship with my husband more than anything and can't imagine, simply can't fathom, my life without him by my side. When it became clear that our family creation options were narrowing I kept saying that living child-free was a choice that we needed to talk about - it needed to be on the table with ds and adoption. My lover kept saying that it was a choice he could reasonably consider, but that it was one he knew I would never accept, therefore it wasn't worth talking about. In so many ways he knows me better than I know myself. It gets complicated because he fears I would leave him if we decide to live child-free, and I fear he would leave me if we chose to have a non-genetic family.  I believe without a doubt that I would chose my husband over anything, and I know that he would chose me. But the reality of the choices facing us are not so black and white. 

One of the first blogs that I read was Jenny's at Among the Blossoms. Her site is so pretty and welcoming, and she has such a positive uplifted attitude. She recently opened an Etsy Store to sell her beautiful beaded fertility bracelets and is hosting a grand opening giveaway. Check out her beautiful jewelry and join the giveaway fun.

I can't stop thinking about my blogger friend Julie at Once More, With Feeling. She is PREGNANT! and I am so happy for her. Her story is similar to ours and I feel a strong sense of camaraderie. She is a beautiful writer and her posts are so easy to connect with. Her amazing dh Jeff also started his own blog, Don't Try this at Home, which makes me laugh every time I read it. I wish that Julie and Jeff lived in my town and that we could be friends. The thing is that Julie's beta is on the lower range of normal, and she is understandably anxious about what happens next. One of the first things I grieved when we found out that pregnancy would not come easily for us was the dream of a 'normal' pregnancy. The surprise of a late period and anticipation of a positive hpt. The unexpected call to my bff to share the news and the burst of joy that fills the room when I tell my mom. It will be different for us. There will be a caution, a hesitation, a protection of our hearts, a delayed joy. Julie comes across to me as being so positive and full of hope, yet she is unable to bask in the glow of this wonderful news that a perfect new life is growing in her belly. The fear of loss is overwelming. A part of me knows that I will react to my own pg with fear and anxiety, and that it is safe to feel so positive and hopeful for someone else. I wish that there was a magic wand that would free us all to experience all the love and joy and happiness of pregnancy regardless of what the future holds. 

I was reminded of this poem while we were in Vegas last weekend. It seems appropriate to share it here, with you, and as a reminder to myself. 

God grant me the serenity to:

Accept the things I cannot change

Courage to change the things I can, and

Wisdom to know the difference
Patience for the things that take time
Appreciation for all that we have, and
Tolerance for those with different struggles
Freedom to live beyond the limitations of our past, the
Ability to feel love, and to love each other, and the 
Strength to keep trying even when we feel hopeless

Wishing you all a joyful and safe Interdependence Day!

Miracle for me?

Sperm takes about three months to produce. ML has been on the FSH therapy for nearly 3 months now. The UR gave us a 50% chance of the FSH resulting in enough sperm for ISCI. I don't think that the FSH is actually going to work, but at the same time I have a secret hope that it will work so well that it will completely restore his sperm production and I'll have a surprise pregnancy. Its not likely, but it's what I want. The UR said that our case of late stage maturation arrest is so rare that he has only seen a few in his entire career. So really, the UR doesn't know what's going to happen. He can tell us that there is a 50% chance of the FSH working, He can tell us that even if it does work there will probably not be enough sperm to spill into the ejaculate, He can tell us that its going to be sunny on September 17th. He doesn't know.

I started my cycle today. Following the shortest cycle ever at 24 days. I am a very consistent 28 day cycle with ovulation on days 13-15.

Once before we were really trying, but after we'd quit really preventing, I had a 35 day cycle. I would have sworn that I had a chemical pg that month, until we got the azoos diagnosis, that is. I actually took a pg test after my period started. We jumped in the shower, I took the test and set it outside of the shower so that we could get the results together. That was my first pg test.

You always hear about women who swear that they had their period while they were pregnant. I admit that I watch all those TLV shows, and i just didn't / don't believe that my period is a sure sign that there is nothing else going on up in my belly. Azoos, on the other hand, is pretty definite in my mind. Since the Azoos diagnosis I have no doubt that there is nothing going on up in my belly.

So anyways. I started early today. and I have a secret hope that the FSH is going to work wonders. So maybe, just maybe, this is not my cycle, but instead its one of those pretend cycles that pg girls get. Maybe, just maybe, there could maybe be something going on up in my belly.  You think?

I don't believe it enough to do anything about it, like take a pg test or anything. But I do like thought, and I do like the hope.

Presenting My New Blog Design

Check it out! My new blog design! I love it. It makes me smile everytime look at it.

This blog has been a wonderful outlet for me. An essential tool in my toolkit of coping strategies. I wanted it to feel warm and welcoming when I visit. I wanted it to feel like 'me'. I wanted this space to hold my words and thoughts and emotions with strength and confidence.

Super awesome Alison, a fellow Azooser, at Giggly Girl Designs somehow managed to decipher the mess of ideas that I threw at her and come up with this beautiful design that I love. and in the process I got to talk with her on the phone, which may seem like such a tiny simple thing. It was however just what I needed to realize how much I really needed to get myself to a RESOLVE meeting. Little steps, one at a time, that lead me to places that I need to be.

***
I had a dream last night. I was pregnant. We'd just completed our first IVF cycle and I was in the 2ww, but I knew somehow. ML and I were overjoyed.  It felt so good, so positive, and so happy. In my dream I knew that we were only pregnant with one, although irl I have a sense/wish that there are twins in our future.

I've been reading and hoping for you gals (Rach,  Julie, Emmy) who are PUPO right now.  Maybe some of that positivity showed up in my dreams, and I am so thankful to have this comforting vision to hang on to as we move forward and actually get to 'try' for the first time later this fall.

I wish I could send some of my dream positivity from last night over to Jenni, who is struggling with a different set of dreams. My nightmares are the pretty standard 'a bad man is after me' dream where I wake up screaming for help.  I've actually had them with much more frequency than normal and I am wondering if it is a side effect of my happy pills. 

The more I think about it, the more inclined I am to head straight to IVF regardless of whether we can use sperm from ML. First of all, I am in a solid emotional state at the moment, but I question my emotional fortitude for doing more cycles than absolutely necessary. Since IVF has twice the chance at success as IUI, I can only assume that it means less cycles will be required to knock me up. Secondly, the cost of IUI with donor sperm is not cheap. We've been quoted between $2-4K per IUI cycle. So, three cycles could end up costing us as much as one IVF cycle with an equivalent chance at success. Except with an IVF cycle I wold likely have extra embryos waiting for me to use with a FET.  Has anyone else thought about this and actually run the percentages and costs? I'd be curious to know what others think about this.

In the meantime, I hope that you enjoy my new design as much as I do!

PS: Vegas is great. I spent all morning in the pool soaking up the sunshine. Ahhhhhh :)

Resolve Meeting - It was Awesome

I did it. Finally. I went to my first RESOLVE meeting last Sunday. It was wonderful. WONDERFUL.

My mom and I were going to be near the City to visit my grandpa for Fathers Day. She'd offered to go with me to a RESOLVE meeting in the past, and so I asked if she would be willing to go with me. We had a nice drive up in the morning. On the drive she asked how I was doing and how the hormone therapy was going for ML (my lover). I told her, again, the timeline and options that await us in the Fall. I adore my mom and she is more supportive than I could have ever asked for... but, it feels like I have to repeat myself and tell her again and again the 'plan' and the 'options'. In reality its probably only been a few times, and I know it is a lot to expect that she be able to remember all the details after hearing them once, but still... I just wish that she 'knew', without me having to say anything at all.

We had a nice afternoon with my grandpa. My cousins also came to surprise him. I have two teenage girl cousins who are just begging for trouble. Last time they came to visit me for a few nights I had to have the birds and bees talk with them, complete with a trip to planned parenthood so they could get the shot. Oh My god I would just die if one of them got pregnant. Cousin #1 confessed that she tried pot for the first time the week prior. I made her pinkie swear that she wouldn't do it again until she came back to visit me again.

Moving on to the best part of the day. My mom and I arrived at the RESOLVE meeting. It was held at a facility that provided advocacy and information about women's health issues. We were the first to arrive. The leader welcomed us and showed us to the circle configuration of cozy chairs and a couch. She was really pretty and nice. There was a coffee table with Resolve materials laid out. My mom picked up one of everything and chose a comfy chair seat. I took a portion of the couch across the circle near the leader. We made some small talk and waited for the other ladies to arrive. She mentioned that some of the other male factor couples would not be attending that evening, but that there were a few women considering donor eggs.

I honestly can't recall the order in which people arrived or exactly how the conversation came together. I was really nervous, but I could tell that a few of the other women were too. There were 8 of us in total at the meeting, including me and my mom. The leader made some introductory comments, read a poem (or maybe it was a segment from a book), then suggested that we go around the circle to share. I was the first one to share. It was great, but in all honesty overwhelming at the same time. I shared, then the other women shared. Seeing them nod and tear up as I spoke was... so... validating, reassuring, comforting... they 'knew' what i was saying, in that way that I didn't need to give the background, they just knew. They were right there with me. And then they spoke, and I nodded and teared up. I just don't have words for the experience. I felt like, like I didn't want to leave, like I wanted to sit with these girls for hours, and talk, and listen, and nod, and cry.

We did stay for a little bit after the meeting, a few of us. Two other women are using the RE that I had my initial work-up with. They love him and the clinic, which was nice to hear.

It was a big deal for all of us to be there, it was obvious by the wringing of hands and cautious smiles. My anxiety level was high for the entire meeting, but I felt like I just might have found a place that could be considered 'safe' to let down my guard. I have to say that again, I just might have found a group of women and a place where it is safe to let down my guard. Can you hear my exhale as I write that?

I can't wait to go back again. It is a four hour round trip drive on a Sunday night, but I can't wait.  the next meeting falls on the fourth of july holiday so it is being canceled and the next meeting won't be for a month. I will be there.

(Don't get me wrong, you gals RAWK my world, but until I can sit in a room with you for a few hours, the RESOLVE group is going to have to fill that void!)

* * * VEGAS SPA RECOMMENDATIONS?
I'll be in vegas this weekend, visiting family. I would LOVE to spend some time at a Spa, one where I can spend a portion of the day wearing a robe and slippers, order a drink, sit by a pool, soak in a sauna, and get a massage or some other decadent treatment.  Please let me know if you have any suggestions! Or if you live near Vegas and might want to meet up with me at the Spa :)

Baby Showers and Blog Posts

My best friend was twenty weeks pregnant when we got our azoos diagnosis. I had always pictured us being pregnant together.  I hosted her shower a few months after that. It was an intimate brunch with her closest friends and family. I sat at the table with tears running down my face. We went around the table to share words of wisdom as she became a mother and to share the meaning of our gifts to her. I had so much to say, but was unable to speak. It was all I could do not to burst out sobbing. The tears just rolled down my cheeks, my chin quivering on the verge. I love her so much and wanted so much to be a part of this special occasion, but the pain I felt was almost unbearable. Somehow I held myself together. I later apologized to her for not being able to say the things that I wanted to that day. She understood. She is a good friend.

I worried that seeing her baby would be hard for me. I wanted so much to love this little girl. We arrived at the hospital shortly after the birth, sweet baby was passed around to grandma and grandpa, aunt and uncle, and then to me. The tears came, but they were not of my pain, they were of a happiness and love for this little girl who had been born to the most wonderful family, of which I was a part. It was easy to place the little bundle back into the arms of my friend, her mother, right were she belonged. It was totally different than the baby shower. While I long to experience motherhood, this perfect little baby is somehow separate from that longing. I don't long for that baby, I long for my baby.

Another childhood friend recently had a baby shower. It was a long awaited pregnancy, following years of infertility, and I really am so happy for her. But I had the hardest time getting out of bed the morning of her shower. Instead I curled up and watched the 16 and pregnant marathon, and cried. I finally got to the shower an hour late. I smiled and managed not to cry, but actively avoided any conversations. I stayed long enough to participate in a few of the activities and watch her open my present, a little baby blanket that I made for her sweet baby girl. Then I left.  She understood, I know she hurts for me still. 

My sister in law has two adorable little ones. I love visiting them and wish they lived closer to us. Being with my nephew and niece has been okay too. These sweet little kids are hers, and while I love to visit them, I don't have any desire for her kids. I long for my family, the family that my lover and I will raise and love and nurture.
So many of our friends are starting their families. One couple, who I suspect may have struggled with infertility themselves, are celebrating the first birthday of their adorable little son later this month. This circle of friends does not know about out struggle. The thought of going to the birthday, of the people we'd see, and the conversations that are bound to take place, its more than I am up for. I don’t think that it is the baby that I am avoiding, it is the grown-up, the wives. I sent this friend an email, thanking her for the invite and saying that we love them but won’t be able to come to the party. I hope that she understands, even though she doesn’t know what’s going on with us right now. I’d hate to have her think that we are avoiding them because they are in a different place in life now. Its not that. 

I left the longest comment yesterday. I didn't realize how long it was until I submitted it. That comment became the basis of this post. There are so many incredible posts that really get me thinking. This post is really in response to two recent posts:

Mrs. Wood at Our Adventure with Infertility wrote a post about not being able to attend a friends baby shower. It is a struggle that got me thinking about the showers I’ve been to this past year and the emotions that have emerged.

Katie at 'from IF to when' wrote a post about bellies vs babies. It is an insightful post and really shines a light on what it is that I am feeling. I want so much for the experience of being pregnant, of having my belly grow big and round, of having my lover feel my stomach and the life growing inside with love and tenderness. I want that so much. I think about that so much. 

RESOLVE meeting in my future

Its all set. This sunday. After visiting my grandpa, my mom and I are going to my first RESOLVE meeting. The nearest group is a 2 hour drive from my home, and they meet at 7pm on Sunday nights, making it a logistical challenge to attend. Besides, I didn't want to go by myself, but didn't really have anyone to go with. I wrote to the Resolve lady at the start of the year, and have been getting the meeting reminder emails ever since. And Finally, I am going to go. 


I have to thank Alison, The Privileged Infertile, for helping me realize how much I crave a personal connection. She is working on a personalized blog design for me (I am so excited!) and called me to talk about what I want. It was so great to talk to someone else who is going through this. SO great! So great, in fact, I am going to finally attend a Resolve meeting. Thank you Alison!


Hopefully my meeting won't be like Laura's at Bumpy Journey, attended only by a lady gnome.  I still think that Laura is a HERO for attempting to lead a group. Someday I hope I'll be as awesome and strong as she is right now. 


On another topic, I am really loving all of the posts about Fathers Day. I had no idea that this would be such a hard day for me. The cards at target caught me so off guard, but I am feeling now like I am in very good company. These posts are so validating and make me feel like I am not alone.  

Costs - in Summary

One of the first things I worried about, when I starting worrying that something wasn't working, was the financial cost of infertility. I just knew that it was going to get expensive, very expensive. 


Keeping track of the bills has become a chore. I have one binder with our medical records, and another to keep track of the finances.  Our insurance specifically excludes coverage for anything related to the diagnosis or treatment of infertility, including complications from any such procedures. Almost everything has been out of pocket expense, but I am still submitting it all to the insurance on the off chance that we might get a reimbursement. In order to submit a claim to insurance I have to get an itemized billing statement, which most often requires a written request. It ends up being a 4-5 step process to get a response from the insurance. It has paid off too - they did end up covering a few thousand dollars worth of bloodwork, and part of the cost of My Lover's first biopsy. 


I've been keeping track of all of this in spreadsheet, but was afraid to sum the total of our out of pocket expense. The Cade Foundation grant application asked for the total that we've spent, so the time came to add it all up. Keep in mind that we have not yet had an actual opportunity to get pregnant.


$14,399.66


Getting price quotes in advance of treatment decisions has been one frustration after another. I haven't found anywhere online that lists out the standard costs for infertility treatments and it seems like the costs can vary pretty significantly. Since I've got it all organized, I am going to post our costs here on my blog - on a page called "costs", so that anyone can see what this all costs. I have all the CPT codes too - and would be happy to share those as well with anyone who wants the details. 


Jeff at Don't Try This at Home is also posting their costs - check out his list too.
Please let me know if there are other infertility cost summaries out there, and I'll add a link. 

Little Bits of Advocacy

My employer's group health insurance plan specifically excludes coverage for anything related to the diagnosis and treatment of infertility. I live in California and work for one of the largest employers in my County. I work for the boss, well, one of the bosses. If anyone can fix our insurance, she can, right?


I told her about our struggles last summer, when I was in Zombie condition. She is wonderful, understanding and kind. She knew when she hired me that having a family was my number one priority and that I would likely end up working part time at some point to be with my kids. She says the nicest things when I apologize for being distracted by our struggle, like, "Foxy, you are more effective now than most people when they are at 100%." It is nice and I know that she would do anything she can to support me.


I am super private about our infertility with everyone else at work. I'd originally called HR to ask about the options for changing our insurance, but didn't feel comfortable going into any details about our situation. I work very closely with the HR folks on work related stuff, and really don't need them knowing my personal business. I've been pondering how I can help my boss ask the right questions without revealing that I am the reason why.


The RESOLVE website has a generic letter to employers, and encourages all of us to send the letter to our employer and encourage them to change their insurance policy. There is apparently good research to show that infertility coverage actually results in lower premiums, higher employee productivity, etc...  So I took the letter, customized it for my workplace, and drafted it as though it was coming from my boss at the request of an anonymous employee. I've had the draft letter on my desk for two weeks and finally took a deep breath and pitched it to my boss on Friday. She could tell it was a hard thing for me to ask her and let me change the subject immediately.


I'd worked with a state lobbyist in the past on maternal health issues. She called me earlier this year to see if I would be willing to testify about those issues in the Health Reform  hearings. I let her know that I would be happy to testify, but confided that it would be hard considering our current struggles. Apparently she is also a lobbyist for fertility doctors. She told me all about some efforts that were underway to try and convince insurers to include coverage for IVF as a way to save on NICU costs. An insurer who covers IVF can limit the number of eggs that are transferred, lowering the 'risk' (or so they call it) of multiples. Multiples are more likely to spend time in the NICU, which is significantly more expensive than IVF.  Someday I hope that I will be strong enough to testify in support of this rational and logical approach to insurance coverage.


The thing is I just know that My Lover and I are not the only ones struggling with this. If one in eight couples experience infertility, then there must be many more in my workplace who are silently suffering. I am in a position to change things. We are all in a position to change things, when we are strong enough to speak up and have our voice heard.