ML fell, or maybe he jumped, off the wagon last Saturday night. He quit drinking in January of 2001. Its been almost 10 years. I freaked out. Lost it. I had no idea how scary it would be for me to see him drink again. I guess I always figured he would someday, but I wasn’t prepared for it.
When I met him, he drank a lot. A lot. We had a TON of fun, don’t get me wrong, but it wasn’t what I wanted for my life partner. We dated for almost a year before I decided to move on. I remember telling him that he might consider the effects that drinking was having on his life, but I never predicated our relationship on status of his sobriety.
We stayed in close touch. Even after I had graduated, moved away, and gotten a ‘real’ job. There was a point when something changed. Over the phone in a matter of a few weeks I felt like I had grown closer to him than I had in the year that I’d known him. It was like there was a depth that suddenly appeared. It probably wasn’t the best description but it was all that I could come up with at the time - I explained to him that there was an extra layer of pie, a layer that I never knew was missing, but that was so delicious and wonderful and made the pie complete.
He’d gotten a d.ui that January after I’d left and decided that it was time to make a change. I’ve been grateful every day since then that he made that choice that allowed our relationship to grow into the beautiful thing that it is today.
So, on Saturday night, after Mr. T poured ML a gin and tonic, I started to panic.
We’d decided, well I should clarify that I decided and asked him to agree, that we would be sober this weekend. Don’t judge us, but there are certain occasions where ML and our friends partake in recreational, err, uhh, party favors. And with all of our investment in ML’s sperm, I didn’t want to jeopardize anything. I’ve never felt the need to partake so it wasn’t an issue for me, but I agreed to not drink all weekend so that he wasn’t the only sober one.
It sucks that this time when we probably need to let lose and relax more than ever is the one time when we can’t. I felt awful asking him to refrain, but he would tell you that he is in full agreement.
He’d mentioned that he was thinking about having a cocktail earlier in the evening. It was the first time that I’d ever heard him talk about being tempted. He said that he felt disconnected from everyone and left out. He wasn’t having a good time. I didn’t know what to say. I mean it is his choice to make. I tried to say that it was a really big decision, one probably best made when not under temptation. I honestly didn’t think he was serious. I believed that he was tempted, I just didn’t believe that he would make the choice to have a drink.
On our way back to camp after the show we passed by a local band playing a rocking bluegrass version of gin and juice. Maybe that was the sign that he needed to make the choice he did.
So I freaked out. Totally surprised by my panic I climbed into my tent and the tears started. ML was clearly having a great time. He was happier than I’ve seen him in a long time. Smiling and talking and almost skipping around camp. I felt like a jerk climbing out of my tent and asking him to come to bed with me. He chose me and came to bed. I cried and blubbered about how scared I was and how I needed to know what ‘his plan’ was and what ‘this’ meant. He was so kind and sweet and listened and reassured me.
The next morning we talked a little. I was calmer. It is what it is. Today is different than it was 10 years ago. We’ll take this one step at a time.
My dad chose his alcoholism over me. It is a choice, and I would simply die if ML ever chose alcohol over me. I couldn’t take that. That is my fear. I know that he loves me, and would never want to make that choice, but my dad did, and I can’t deny that it doesn’t scare me that ML could do the same thing.
Its not all bad. On Sunday night we both had a few drinks and talked. We talked about stuff that we really needed to talk about. He told me that he is totally on board with our family. With whatever we have to do to build our family. He assured me that I will be pregnant and that he can’t wait and that it isn’t about him or sperm, but about US.
I told him that I’d been so unhappy for so long, that I had to grieve. That my unhappiness wasn’t about him, that my grief was real and necessary. That I too grieved over the loss of his sperm. It was SO wonderful to talk to ML about all of these things that we needed to talk about. I told him that it meant so much for me to hear him say these things, that I needed to know how he felt, and that I needed to know that he wanted this as much as I do. It was a conversation that caused tears, of happiness.
We laughed and talked with our friends and stayed up until the party people dispersed and finally found our way into bed for the night. I love him so much and I don’t doubt for a moment that he doesn’t feel the same for me. This journey is about US and we WILL make it through it.
I don’t know where this (the choice to drink) leaves us or where this will take us, or what it means for tomorrow. All I know is that it is happening one day at a time and all I can do is handle it the best I can one day at a time.
