I'm Confused by Resolve

I just completed the RESOLVE "Tell us about yourself" survey. It was short and sweet, so get online and fill it out yourself.

But now I'm sitting here with a scrunched nose. I'm confused.
Question number 6 asked:

*6.	Question - Required -How many years have you been trying to conceive?Less than 1 year 1-2 years 2-3 years 3 or more years No longer trying to conceive That seemed pretty straightforward, but then I got stumped by question number 7.

*7.	Question - Required -If no longer trying to conceive, which family building options are you pursuing?  Adoption Third Party Reproduction (donor sperm, donor egg, donor embryo, or surrogacy) Childfree Undecided None of the above

I am desperately trying to conceive. And the only way I can do that might be with donor sperm. But the question implies that I am no longer trying. And in some way I guess that trying implies that there is a chance it could happen any month, but it can't because we don't have sperm.  and all of that is actually a bit upsetting to me.

So I realize that RESOLVE deals with some of the most hormonal delicate sensitive ladies out there, and it must be really hard to chose the right words all the time, but still.... I wasn't expecting to get upset about an 11 question Resolve demographics survey.

*****

I had a dream that we were selected by the Cade Foundation for their 2011 family building grant. They will announce the awards later this month. In reality, I think that our application was really strong, but I worry that they won't understand some of the complexities we are facing with the MFI diagnosis. The application was definitely geared towards female factor infertility. For instance the application required a letter from our RE, even though we aren't working actively with an RE. I ended up sending a letter from both the UR and the last RE we met with.  Maybe next year I can offer a few suggestions for their application.

I am actually a little nervous, because if we are selected then we will have to 'go public' with our struggle. I knew it when we signed up, but it still feels really scary.



*****
I saw my regular dr today for what I think is a UTI, yuk. We had a chance to review my meds and my mood. I feel like she really listened to me and trusts what I am telling her. She suggested increasing the happy pill (lex.apro) dosage to 20mg, and adding Clonaz.epam .25 mg on an as needed basis. I'll still have the x.anax as a fast acting panic management tool, but hopefully will not need to use it as often. She assured me that, assuming this new plan works well for me, that I could maintain it through treatment. She said that we could reevaluate if/when i get preggers and likely stay on it until the third trimester. So that is good, and it feels good to know that I have a local doctor who is committed to helping me get through this.


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Ohhhh, and most exciting news - My friend, the sweetest strongest lady who did ivf with mtese a couple weeks ago, emailed me today with the results of her beta. The girl is PREGNANT! The beta was so high that the nurse thought it could be twins!!! There is good news sprinkled along this journey, and friends who I never would have met otherwise. Her success, Dory's success, Julie's success, Kakunaa's Success, Bea's success, Circus Princess success - You ladies give me hope that the impossible is possible.

Costs - in Summary

One of the first things I worried about, when I starting worrying that something wasn't working, was the financial cost of infertility. I just knew that it was going to get expensive, very expensive. 


Keeping track of the bills has become a chore. I have one binder with our medical records, and another to keep track of the finances.  Our insurance specifically excludes coverage for anything related to the diagnosis or treatment of infertility, including complications from any such procedures. Almost everything has been out of pocket expense, but I am still submitting it all to the insurance on the off chance that we might get a reimbursement. In order to submit a claim to insurance I have to get an itemized billing statement, which most often requires a written request. It ends up being a 4-5 step process to get a response from the insurance. It has paid off too - they did end up covering a few thousand dollars worth of bloodwork, and part of the cost of My Lover's first biopsy. 


I've been keeping track of all of this in spreadsheet, but was afraid to sum the total of our out of pocket expense. The Cade Foundation grant application asked for the total that we've spent, so the time came to add it all up. Keep in mind that we have not yet had an actual opportunity to get pregnant.


$14,399.66


Getting price quotes in advance of treatment decisions has been one frustration after another. I haven't found anywhere online that lists out the standard costs for infertility treatments and it seems like the costs can vary pretty significantly. Since I've got it all organized, I am going to post our costs here on my blog - on a page called "costs", so that anyone can see what this all costs. I have all the CPT codes too - and would be happy to share those as well with anyone who wants the details. 


Jeff at Don't Try This at Home is also posting their costs - check out his list too.
Please let me know if there are other infertility cost summaries out there, and I'll add a link. 

This year I am Stronger

I found the Cade Foundation in one of my many infertility web searches last year. Every year they offer a few family building grants of up to $10,000 to help couples build their family thru infertility treatment or adoption. The thought of ‘coming out’ and applying was too much for me to handle at the time. But this year is different. This year I am stronger.

Maybe I started feeling stronger when I came across Lily’s infertility e-class last November. (Lily authors  The Infertile Mind) I wanted to sign up, but holiday funds were tight and I wasn’t going to be near the computer enough, and, well, I had lots of excuses. It was okay though because just wasn’t quite ready.

Then Lily offered her class again in March. She titled it March Together and I loved it. I realized that I have so much to say. I realized that I needed my voice. I realized that I needed people who understood me. Every couple of days she posted a little assignment, a little question or task that helped me get my arms around this mob of thoughts that had taken over my brain,
and my life.
She broke it down into bite size pieces, so that I could start finding the right words.

I was actually scared at the start of the class to share anything. Lily made it a password protected blog and assured me that it was safe.
That I was safe.
And that what I needed to say could be said. Thank you for that Lily.
So I started writing, and writing, and writing. And ohhhhh, does it feel good. And things that I couldn’t say found their way to the computer screen, because I guess talking and writing are different somehow. And little by little, it is easier to talk about the stuff that I write about. I tested out the words in writing and if they felt okay, I tried them on verbally. Amazing how that process works.

So, Lily’s e-class was wonderful. And the March Together class was free! Instead of charging for it, she asked that we make a donation to the Cade Foundation. So I found myself back on the Cade Foundation website. They had just announced their 2010 grant cycle, and can you believe it, I applied. It was actually just a form that sad I intended to apply, but I did it. And I talked to my husband about it.
“coming out” on the application with my real name!
“talking” about the possibly of being public with our journey!

Big steps for me!

So I spent a good portion of the weekend (while I wasn't consumed reading My Bumpy Journey's entire, yes entire blog!) working on the full application that is due June 15th. I participated in the Q and A conference call this morning. I picked out a PICTURE, yep a real one!, that we will submit with our application.

I suppose I could go on and on about all of the things I thought about as I completed the application. The fact of the matter is that I am stronger and I can do this and we WILL have our someday family.

A final note of gratitude before I go.
Lily is one of those souls who touched mine. I will always remember the kindness that you showed me in our email exchange and the warmth that you exuded in welcoming me to let go and write and share. Your e-class is amazing and I hope that you keep doing it. I hope that you turn the assignments into a workbook so that I can buy it and give it to my therapist (especially the ones I don’t see anymore!). I want you to know that you opened doors for me and that I am thriving. I can’t thank you enough.