My Weekend with the Girls

A few weekends ago I went on a girls getaway trip. I wrote about the anticipation of it in one of my first posts.  I wrote this right after the trip, but apparently forgot to publish it! 

It was a great trip, but I couldn’t help but feel like I was going thru the motions. 

My Bestie brought her Little One (who I’m going to call LO). Her little one is A.DOR.ABLE. Seriously the cutest sweetest little thing ever. and she loves me. really! We giggled together and cuddled and played all weekend. I told Bestie that she should not pack the stroller so that I could hold the little one instead. and I did, and it was wonderful. 

Bestie knows everything. and she is so sweet and supportive. and of anyone else who knows, I feel like she understands best. She has had her own struggles, struggles that I will never comprehend, and for better or worse she has that pain to draw from. 

Another friend met us, and brought her little girl. She just found out that she is pregnant again. I can’t say that I have much in common with this lady. She is nice, but not someone who I’d want to get into it with. She has a general idea that we’ve encountered struggles, but doesn’t know much more than that. All weekend she kept making comments about movie stars or other ‘single older women’ who use artificial insemination to get pregnant. I’ve never thought to by offended by that term, but omg I hate it. I hate the way she said it, the way she judged. It made me feel so sick. I wanted to scream at her ‘shut the F up and don’t talk about things you know nothing about’. 

I also hated the way that she challenged Bestie’s parenting style. Bestie is the most wonderful loving mother, attentive to the needs of her precious babe. I love watching Bestie be a mother and have so much respect that she stands her ground in the face of others who challenge her mothering. I may not personally agree with the parenting choices of this lady, but I sure as hell down’t put her down for making those choices or challenge her reasons for raising her daughter the way she is. grrr. 

Bestie’s sister who is also a good friend came too. She is a sweetheart, married to the. nicest. guy. I’m not sure what her plans are for starting a family, other than a desire to have their finances secured a little. Besties sister is super creative. She helped me make my first quilt a few months back and always inspires  my creative side. Her ipod was full of music that made me feel so happy, and I came home with a list of artists that I want to download into my music library. (Lauren Hill - remember her? totally takes me back to a very specific semester of college; Jack Johnson - I’d kindof forgotten about him, but have heard his songs pop up here and there a lot recently; Matchbox 20 - yep I loved their cd and their music reminds me so clearly of being on my college campus.)

I do really love girls weekends - getting away from the day to day distractions of life; having the time to have substantive conversations with good friends; remembering how much I love ML and my home. I couldn’t help but thinking that it would be amazing to have a getaway weekend with all of you. I start planning it out in my head, but then realize that none of us have the extra spending money to make something like that actually happen. I do think it would be the most amazing experience to spend a few days with a group of us who have this shared experience. Vegas is a pretty central place with cheap flights and cheap hotel options. If anyone is interested, let me know, and I would so love to plan an infertile weekend retreat. :)

Just Because - Favorite Children's Books

I remember our home always being rich with children's activities. We had books galore, and always had someone to read to us.

Kakunaa wrote a great post about her favorite Children's Books, and it got me thinking about all of my favorite books.... the books that I want to include when I build on my vision for my Someday Family. When I picture my future with children's things scattered around the house, I picture these things laying around.

I think that The Runaway Bunny might be my all time favorite book. It is so sweet and shows the unconditional love of a mother for her little bunny. Sometimes I feel like our journey to parenthood shadows this story.


“If you become a fish in a trout stream,” said his mother, "I will become a fisherman and I will fish for you.”

“If you become a rock on the mountain high above me," said his mother, "I will become a mountain climber, and I will climb to where you are.”

“If you become a bird and fly away from me", said his mother, "I will be a tree that you come home to.”

Mike Mulligan and the Steam Shovel is another one that I love. I think that I have probably read it a thousand times, as it was one that I used to carry with me in my babysitting bag of tricks and all the kids I watched loved it as well. Again it is a story about loyalty and unconditional love, mixed in with determination to persevere thru the most hopeless and challenging conditions.

Reading it now, I relate to the outpouring of love and support that helped fuel Mike and Mary Anne (his steam shovel) to achieve what seemed impossible.

I recently discovered this series of books by Sibylle von Olfers. I love the illustrations and the way that each story connects nature with imagination. I actually bought a whole bunch of these books off ebay - some of them are for gifts, but there is a complete set sitting on my bookshelf for My Someday family.

Someday, I will read these stories to my children and talk about the seasons, and imagine that snowflakes are really little snow children.


Please tell me that you all remember this record... I LOVED this record as a kid. I remember listening to this record in the living room while my mom put my little sister down for her nap. I was 3, maybe 4 years old. The record was a mix of songs and little stories, all with the message that you are perfect just the way you are.

There was a 25th anniversary edition book published recently that I randomly found at the book store. It is crazy how all of my memories of these songs and stories came rushing back to me. I bought a bunch of copies of the book, and have been giving them away as birthday presents.


It feels so good to think about the future so positively. I really do have a section of my bookshelf reserved to hold the growing library of books that I will someday read to my little ones. Until then, I am grateful for this space and for being able to share these books with you.

Little Bits of Gratitude

A short little post to share my gratitude this week. I am grateful for....

My Lover - who is the most amazing kind loving man. enough said.

My Boss - for supporting my request to work a flexible (less than 40 hr week) schedule for a few weeks. and for encouraging me to plan some additional time-off when a few big projects finnish up.

My regular doctor - for getting me in to see her right away and for being so gentle and understanding and for taking the time to listen to me and help me take care of myself.

My Grandma - for being such a fighter. for being able to eat soup with her weak hand without spilling and do up a zipper all on her own. She wants to get home so badly, and I love her determination.

My Bestie's Little One - for being so sweet and adorable. for giving me lots of cuddles and for sharing the sweetest little baby giggles with me.

My Bestie - for coming over and sitting on the couch with me all day when I needed her. and for being such a loving beautiful patient mother.

Baby Showers and Blog Posts

My best friend was twenty weeks pregnant when we got our azoos diagnosis. I had always pictured us being pregnant together.  I hosted her shower a few months after that. It was an intimate brunch with her closest friends and family. I sat at the table with tears running down my face. We went around the table to share words of wisdom as she became a mother and to share the meaning of our gifts to her. I had so much to say, but was unable to speak. It was all I could do not to burst out sobbing. The tears just rolled down my cheeks, my chin quivering on the verge. I love her so much and wanted so much to be a part of this special occasion, but the pain I felt was almost unbearable. Somehow I held myself together. I later apologized to her for not being able to say the things that I wanted to that day. She understood. She is a good friend.

I worried that seeing her baby would be hard for me. I wanted so much to love this little girl. We arrived at the hospital shortly after the birth, sweet baby was passed around to grandma and grandpa, aunt and uncle, and then to me. The tears came, but they were not of my pain, they were of a happiness and love for this little girl who had been born to the most wonderful family, of which I was a part. It was easy to place the little bundle back into the arms of my friend, her mother, right were she belonged. It was totally different than the baby shower. While I long to experience motherhood, this perfect little baby is somehow separate from that longing. I don't long for that baby, I long for my baby.

Another childhood friend recently had a baby shower. It was a long awaited pregnancy, following years of infertility, and I really am so happy for her. But I had the hardest time getting out of bed the morning of her shower. Instead I curled up and watched the 16 and pregnant marathon, and cried. I finally got to the shower an hour late. I smiled and managed not to cry, but actively avoided any conversations. I stayed long enough to participate in a few of the activities and watch her open my present, a little baby blanket that I made for her sweet baby girl. Then I left.  She understood, I know she hurts for me still. 

My sister in law has two adorable little ones. I love visiting them and wish they lived closer to us. Being with my nephew and niece has been okay too. These sweet little kids are hers, and while I love to visit them, I don't have any desire for her kids. I long for my family, the family that my lover and I will raise and love and nurture.
So many of our friends are starting their families. One couple, who I suspect may have struggled with infertility themselves, are celebrating the first birthday of their adorable little son later this month. This circle of friends does not know about out struggle. The thought of going to the birthday, of the people we'd see, and the conversations that are bound to take place, its more than I am up for. I don’t think that it is the baby that I am avoiding, it is the grown-up, the wives. I sent this friend an email, thanking her for the invite and saying that we love them but won’t be able to come to the party. I hope that she understands, even though she doesn’t know what’s going on with us right now. I’d hate to have her think that we are avoiding them because they are in a different place in life now. Its not that. 

I left the longest comment yesterday. I didn't realize how long it was until I submitted it. That comment became the basis of this post. There are so many incredible posts that really get me thinking. This post is really in response to two recent posts:

Mrs. Wood at Our Adventure with Infertility wrote a post about not being able to attend a friends baby shower. It is a struggle that got me thinking about the showers I’ve been to this past year and the emotions that have emerged.

Katie at 'from IF to when' wrote a post about bellies vs babies. It is an insightful post and really shines a light on what it is that I am feeling. I want so much for the experience of being pregnant, of having my belly grow big and round, of having my lover feel my stomach and the life growing inside with love and tenderness. I want that so much. I think about that so much. 

It should be me

Not that I know how I feel about this, but two of the three girlfriends who will come on my summer Girls weekend have little ones. Little girls who will be coming along for their very first girls getaway. You know, I was supposed to have a little one who would be tagging along with me too, but I don’t. I started trying years before these friends ever thought about it. In fact, I should have two little ones by now.

It wasn’t until recently that I’ve had any feelings of anger or jealousy. I have so many friends who have recently become parents. I am so sincerely happy for them. They are beautiful wonderful grateful mothers and I love seeing them in their new role. I wish for them all of the happiness and joy and love that they share with their perfect little ones.  So its not that I feel jealous of them.

But I do feel like it should be me. What did I do to deserve this? To be prevented from experiencing that joy and love? Why does it have to be so hard for us? It is just not fair and I hate that.