Welcome Mama!

I've thought about so many different things to write about in the past 24 hours, but now that I am sitting here, none of them seem to be tangible.

I had a really nice dinner with my mom last night. I feel like it has been so long since I've been able to just sit and talk with her. I've been wanting to show her my blog for ever, and finally, after dinner last night I was able to tell her about it and pull it up on my iphone so she could see it. She is so wonderful and supportive and I am so lucky that we get to be connected as mother and daughter.

So, Welcome to my blog Mama!

Ohhh - and Sister and Bestie, You are now welcome here too!

You three have been so incredible and patient and kind and understanding and available to me during this journey and I am forever grateful.

So after dinner I was walking back to my car and noticed that the light was on at the massage place. This massage place is awesome - they offer hour long foot massages for $25 that are really a full body clothed massage that includes a hot water bath for your feet. I wandered across the street and found myself laid out in the chair enjoying an impromptu massage. I thought about so many things but successfully kept refocusing on the music that was playing. It felt so good to just stop and do something that was just for me. Then after the massage, I got my hair cut! I figured that I was already there, and I'd been wanting to get my hair trimmed for like the past year. The lady washed, cut and blew out my hair, and, it felt so nice.

I have a spa day all set for October 16th, with my sister and a few friends. (anyone want to join us? :) and another spa day scheduled for me and my mama the first week of November. My mama reminded me that I have got to be taking care of myself - thanks mama!

If everything proceeds as planned, we'll be getting started with treatment pretty quickly after getting the results of the FNA next Friday. I am trying so hard to let this journey be what it is but I seriously can't wait to get moving on what comes next. The sooner we start treatment, the sooner we get to Someday, and the sooner I get off this freakin roller coaster.

*** A perfect moment to share: ML and I called my grandma before stopping by her house the other day. She was so glad to hear from us and to hear that we were headed over. She asked if we could do her a big favor and run by the grocery. "Of course," we say, "What do you need grandma?" She replies "a bottle of Kettle One vodka!" 

Omg, I love you grandma!!! 

Little Bits of Gratitude

A short little post to share my gratitude this week. I am grateful for....

My Lover - who is the most amazing kind loving man. enough said.

My Boss - for supporting my request to work a flexible (less than 40 hr week) schedule for a few weeks. and for encouraging me to plan some additional time-off when a few big projects finnish up.

My regular doctor - for getting me in to see her right away and for being so gentle and understanding and for taking the time to listen to me and help me take care of myself.

My Grandma - for being such a fighter. for being able to eat soup with her weak hand without spilling and do up a zipper all on her own. She wants to get home so badly, and I love her determination.

My Bestie's Little One - for being so sweet and adorable. for giving me lots of cuddles and for sharing the sweetest little baby giggles with me.

My Bestie - for coming over and sitting on the couch with me all day when I needed her. and for being such a loving beautiful patient mother.

Reality Hits Hard

I never would have imagined how much it meant to receive so much love and support from all of you earlier this week. Thank you for walking this journey with me.

* * * * *

A few hours after my last post, I got a call letting me know that my Grandma had a stroke. She'd been at a writing class (no wonder I love writing so much!) and couldn't stand up to read her poem. Thank god that she was with so many people, because they called for help right away. She was able to get treatment very quickly. 

I adore my grandma. 

I am on night duty with her at the hospital tonight. We haven't left her alone since she arrive at the ED on Monday. Even laying in a hospital bed, with all of these iv's and monitors and bleeping lights, she is as graceful and composed as I have ever been. She really is an amazing woman. 

I miss my grandpa. His time with us ended just a few months after my wedding. He always was the family patriarch. We all looked to him for guidance and direction. What grandpa said was the way things were. He was so wise and strong. I miss him all the time. 

Grandma has been on her own since he passed. Its been hard for her, I know. But she is so strong. A military wife who raised four young ones while her husband fought for our county in wars where many soldiers never came home - yep she's a fighter. and I love her.

I cried when they sold the family home. We all did. They needed the money, and the house was too big. It had been grandma's parents home when they settled here. She lived there with the kids while grandpa was away at war. We lived there with grandma and grandpa when my dad got out of the army. That home was always home for me, for my dad, for grandma. 

My grandma is a beautiful woman. Really gorgeous. She was beautiful always, and has aged so gracefully. She told my sister this afternoon, "thank god her face looks okay, because that would just be too much." 

My aunt will arrive tomorrow. She is the youngest of the four, the only girl, and the one who grandpa left in charge of the affairs before he passed. She and grandma are hilarious together. Grandma loves it when Aunt comes to visit, and Aunt's heart breaks that she is so far away the rest of the time. 

You know, I dream of growing old with ML. I dream of celebrating our 50th wedding anniversary surrounded by our family, like we did for my grandparents. My grandma may be getting older, but she is not alone. Not tonight, and not ever. 

* * * * *

So on my way over to the hospital tonight, driving our 13 year old 275k mile minivan that we bought from my MIL 150k ago, I noticed the temperature gage was on hot. I called ML and he said not to panic, we'd deal with it the next day. It was just a few more miles so I continued. 

It felt like the car was losing power, but I was driving up a hill and at my exit anyway. As I roll up to the stoplight the car lost power. And then smoke started poring out of the hood, and into the cabin. I threw on the blinkers and jumped out of the car with my phone. Freakin Ay. 

Some guy stopped and helped me move the car out of way of traffic. My phone was nearly dead, my mom was waiting for me to relieve her from her shift at the hospital, I was so flustered that I couldn't figure out how to call for roadside assistance. Smoke continued to pour from the car.  I really was just down the road from the hospital so I grabbed my overnight bag, locked the car, and caught a ride to a safer location with the guy who had stopped. F. me - I'd locked the keys in the car. 

I called the roadside assistance and they said that they couldn't get a tow truck out until I had the keys. Gotta love it that our other car is currently in the shop. And just tonight we were talking about how reliable and trouble free the van has been. I should have knocked on wood.

I had my mom leave a note on the windshield, and have my fingers crossed that the CHP doesn't tow us tonight. ML will bike the extra set of keys over in the morning and we'll deal with it then. 

* * * * *

I felt so tired today. Like the delayed emotion of Monday's news was slowly catching up with me. Not in the sense that I feel sadder now, just that I feel a little drained emotionally. Tired. and a little hopeless again. It all just feels so futile, and pointless. Like the pain/happiness balance is out of wack and there is just too much hurt. I want to think that the happiness will come back around again, but it feels so far away.