No Miracle for Us

The doctor finally called with the results of Fridays SA.

No sperm.

Pretty much what I knew deep down to expect. I toyed with other expectations, but can't say that I actually believed that we would get any other news. As I told ML, we only get bad news.

So, thats that. We'll continue with the $1,600 /month FSH injections for another two months, then do another SA, then another $3,700 FNA MAP biopsy. Same plan as before.

I'd been expecting to get our SA results on Friday, but the nurse informed us it usually took 24 hours for the lab to get back with results. She promised to call us as soon as she had the info, most likely on Monday. I asked that they email us instead of calling if it was Monday before the results came. (I didn't want to be waiting by the phone all day.) We didn't hear from her on Friday by the close of business, so I figured first thing Monday we'd be getting a call and/or email. We got neither before ML and I left for work. I texted ML at noon to see if there was any news. I called him at 1:30 and asked him to call the office. He spoke with the nurse who said that she had the results, but didn't want to say anything about them and would have the Dr call us at 3:45pm.

This is what I wrote while I waited for 2 hours until we heard from the Doctor. (disclaimer: I really do LOVE this doctor and his nurse and his office. I just had to release my anxiety into words, and in this post he unfortunately gets the brunt of my pain.)

You can help. You can help minimize my anxiety and the trauma of this experience by setting clear expectations for me. The process of waiting for test results is so often more stressful than the actual test itself. Please be clear about when the results will be ready and how you will share them with me. Please do not ever again hold MY test results so that YOU can call me at your convenience to tell me about them. That is a really mean kind of torture. That is why I hate you right now. and why I hate having to deal with doctors. I promise you that my imagination is far worse than anything you could ever tell me. Your nurse could have told us what the results were, emailed us a copy of the labs, and then had you call us to discuss it later. You really don't have a clue about how hard this is for us. for me. this waiting is the worst kind of hell. 


So, either there is no sperm and we keep doing what we're doing... or there is sperm and we start freezing it for ivf. You told us before that those were the options. Is there some other option that you're going to spring on us now? please don't. Are there sperm, but there is something wrong with them? Are there a gazillion sperm and we can get pregnant naturally and you just wanted to be the on to tell us? F. You, because the stress hormones that you've flooded my body with will sure as hell interfere with that plan.


Your nurse said that she would call as soon as she go the results. But then we had to call her and she is making us wait to talk to you. damn it. 


I am trying so hard to just be present right here and now. Its not like my knowing at this moment will change anything. It won't. So I try to breath and focus on this first day back to work. But I just cancelled a meeting so that I can be by the phone for your call. F. You. It is hard to breath when that anxiety band around my chest feels so freakin tight. 


I may be a little neurotic about this, but I know what I am not alone. I know that all of my IF sisters will say the same thing as I am right now. It is a huge comfort for me to know that, and should be a huge lesson for you - one that you and your nurse need to learn and remember. In all other regards, you've been awesome, and I really do love you. I just wish that you cold know how hard this is for me to wait right now and that there are a few things you could have done to prevent this unnecessary anxiety. 

For what its worth I did tell him when we spoke that i wished his nurse could have given us this info when ML spoke to her hours ago and that it was really hard to wait. He apologized and said that he always gives critical information personally, and that she shouldn't have told us that she would call. For what its worth I think he might have picked up on the stress in my voice and will be more careful about the expectations that he sets with his patients from here on out.

Presenting My New Blog Design

Check it out! My new blog design! I love it. It makes me smile everytime look at it.

This blog has been a wonderful outlet for me. An essential tool in my toolkit of coping strategies. I wanted it to feel warm and welcoming when I visit. I wanted it to feel like 'me'. I wanted this space to hold my words and thoughts and emotions with strength and confidence.

Super awesome Alison, a fellow Azooser, at Giggly Girl Designs somehow managed to decipher the mess of ideas that I threw at her and come up with this beautiful design that I love. and in the process I got to talk with her on the phone, which may seem like such a tiny simple thing. It was however just what I needed to realize how much I really needed to get myself to a RESOLVE meeting. Little steps, one at a time, that lead me to places that I need to be.

***
I had a dream last night. I was pregnant. We'd just completed our first IVF cycle and I was in the 2ww, but I knew somehow. ML and I were overjoyed.  It felt so good, so positive, and so happy. In my dream I knew that we were only pregnant with one, although irl I have a sense/wish that there are twins in our future.

I've been reading and hoping for you gals (Rach,  Julie, Emmy) who are PUPO right now.  Maybe some of that positivity showed up in my dreams, and I am so thankful to have this comforting vision to hang on to as we move forward and actually get to 'try' for the first time later this fall.

I wish I could send some of my dream positivity from last night over to Jenni, who is struggling with a different set of dreams. My nightmares are the pretty standard 'a bad man is after me' dream where I wake up screaming for help.  I've actually had them with much more frequency than normal and I am wondering if it is a side effect of my happy pills. 

The more I think about it, the more inclined I am to head straight to IVF regardless of whether we can use sperm from ML. First of all, I am in a solid emotional state at the moment, but I question my emotional fortitude for doing more cycles than absolutely necessary. Since IVF has twice the chance at success as IUI, I can only assume that it means less cycles will be required to knock me up. Secondly, the cost of IUI with donor sperm is not cheap. We've been quoted between $2-4K per IUI cycle. So, three cycles could end up costing us as much as one IVF cycle with an equivalent chance at success. Except with an IVF cycle I wold likely have extra embryos waiting for me to use with a FET.  Has anyone else thought about this and actually run the percentages and costs? I'd be curious to know what others think about this.

In the meantime, I hope that you enjoy my new design as much as I do!

PS: Vegas is great. I spent all morning in the pool soaking up the sunshine. Ahhhhhh :)

Costs - in Summary

One of the first things I worried about, when I starting worrying that something wasn't working, was the financial cost of infertility. I just knew that it was going to get expensive, very expensive. 


Keeping track of the bills has become a chore. I have one binder with our medical records, and another to keep track of the finances.  Our insurance specifically excludes coverage for anything related to the diagnosis or treatment of infertility, including complications from any such procedures. Almost everything has been out of pocket expense, but I am still submitting it all to the insurance on the off chance that we might get a reimbursement. In order to submit a claim to insurance I have to get an itemized billing statement, which most often requires a written request. It ends up being a 4-5 step process to get a response from the insurance. It has paid off too - they did end up covering a few thousand dollars worth of bloodwork, and part of the cost of My Lover's first biopsy. 


I've been keeping track of all of this in spreadsheet, but was afraid to sum the total of our out of pocket expense. The Cade Foundation grant application asked for the total that we've spent, so the time came to add it all up. Keep in mind that we have not yet had an actual opportunity to get pregnant.


$14,399.66


Getting price quotes in advance of treatment decisions has been one frustration after another. I haven't found anywhere online that lists out the standard costs for infertility treatments and it seems like the costs can vary pretty significantly. Since I've got it all organized, I am going to post our costs here on my blog - on a page called "costs", so that anyone can see what this all costs. I have all the CPT codes too - and would be happy to share those as well with anyone who wants the details. 


Jeff at Don't Try This at Home is also posting their costs - check out his list too.
Please let me know if there are other infertility cost summaries out there, and I'll add a link.