Body Image

A dear sweet friend graduated from high school last week. I am so proud of her, and know that she is going to do great things beyond high school. Her family and mine have been close family friends for decades. I have two sisters, as does she, and we've all basically grown up together. She and her sisters used to come over to our house to watch my sisters and I get ready for school dances, and now, my sisters and I cheer her and her sisters on as they navigate adolescence and early adulthood.

It was a really beautiful event, and we took a ton of pictures, as we always do, lined up by age with my sisters and I in the back with the  younger sisters in the front. We have that same lineup at various events ranging back to the days when my sisters and I were holding the little girls as babies.

My littlest sister just posted a batch of photos on her Facebook page.

Oh Jeez.

I look awful. My face is all round. My sweater, the new sweater I was so excited about ordering, looks gigantic, with my breasts and tummy bulging. There is one picture that I just want to delete. Its just terrible. and there is a comment under it from a friend of my mom's. It just says "Foxy....?"

Why would I be so upset that I might be looking pregnant? I mean, I am. right?

Why would I be so offended by a comment like that? I immediately went to that place of, how dare she assume anything, she doesn't know what we've been thru, what if I wasn't pregnant, this is none of her business. So defensive. Yet I know that this lady is super sweet and kind and would never cause harm intentionally.

Maybe I've gotten so used to carrying around the invisible cloak of infertility, that it is hard to adjust to having my body reveal this sign of fertility.

I guess that my reaction to this picture goes beyond a body image issue, and touches also on my perception of self, and the way that other people 'know' me.

Until now, I've had the ability to reveal our pregnancy on my terms, telling people in the way that felt right to me, and most often including a statement about the journey that we took to get here. Just about everyone who I've shared our news with also knows how long and painful our path was. I guess it was inevitable that I would lose that kind of control over our message.

I do love my body. I love my growing breasts, and checking out my bulging belly from every different angle. I'm just surprised, I guess, at how 'our' news is going to quickly become not so private. I'm also surprised at how challenging it is going to be that cute pregnant lady that I always dreamt of being.