Vacation is finally here!

Ohhh, I am so exited. We leave for vacation today. The one I wrote about a while back.

The best part of vacation is getting to spend so much time with My Lover. I told him that the other night, and it sounded so gooey lovey. But its true. I just love being near him.

I feel good that we are waiting until after we get home to do the SA. (Send me some good love next Friday!)

I am excited to see so many good friends who we love but who live so far away.

I can't wait to debut my sparkle costume, complete with fishnet gloves and the most awesome sparkle tutu ever.

I feel prepared to talk about our struggle to have a family, on my terms and with my boundaries. I do not fear this conversation or question.

I won't have (reliable) internet access, but I am bringing my laptop and picture hours of time to write, ahhhhh. I love to write.

Resolve Meeting - It was Awesome

I did it. Finally. I went to my first RESOLVE meeting last Sunday. It was wonderful. WONDERFUL.

My mom and I were going to be near the City to visit my grandpa for Fathers Day. She'd offered to go with me to a RESOLVE meeting in the past, and so I asked if she would be willing to go with me. We had a nice drive up in the morning. On the drive she asked how I was doing and how the hormone therapy was going for ML (my lover). I told her, again, the timeline and options that await us in the Fall. I adore my mom and she is more supportive than I could have ever asked for... but, it feels like I have to repeat myself and tell her again and again the 'plan' and the 'options'. In reality its probably only been a few times, and I know it is a lot to expect that she be able to remember all the details after hearing them once, but still... I just wish that she 'knew', without me having to say anything at all.

We had a nice afternoon with my grandpa. My cousins also came to surprise him. I have two teenage girl cousins who are just begging for trouble. Last time they came to visit me for a few nights I had to have the birds and bees talk with them, complete with a trip to planned parenthood so they could get the shot. Oh My god I would just die if one of them got pregnant. Cousin #1 confessed that she tried pot for the first time the week prior. I made her pinkie swear that she wouldn't do it again until she came back to visit me again.

Moving on to the best part of the day. My mom and I arrived at the RESOLVE meeting. It was held at a facility that provided advocacy and information about women's health issues. We were the first to arrive. The leader welcomed us and showed us to the circle configuration of cozy chairs and a couch. She was really pretty and nice. There was a coffee table with Resolve materials laid out. My mom picked up one of everything and chose a comfy chair seat. I took a portion of the couch across the circle near the leader. We made some small talk and waited for the other ladies to arrive. She mentioned that some of the other male factor couples would not be attending that evening, but that there were a few women considering donor eggs.

I honestly can't recall the order in which people arrived or exactly how the conversation came together. I was really nervous, but I could tell that a few of the other women were too. There were 8 of us in total at the meeting, including me and my mom. The leader made some introductory comments, read a poem (or maybe it was a segment from a book), then suggested that we go around the circle to share. I was the first one to share. It was great, but in all honesty overwhelming at the same time. I shared, then the other women shared. Seeing them nod and tear up as I spoke was... so... validating, reassuring, comforting... they 'knew' what i was saying, in that way that I didn't need to give the background, they just knew. They were right there with me. And then they spoke, and I nodded and teared up. I just don't have words for the experience. I felt like, like I didn't want to leave, like I wanted to sit with these girls for hours, and talk, and listen, and nod, and cry.

We did stay for a little bit after the meeting, a few of us. Two other women are using the RE that I had my initial work-up with. They love him and the clinic, which was nice to hear.

It was a big deal for all of us to be there, it was obvious by the wringing of hands and cautious smiles. My anxiety level was high for the entire meeting, but I felt like I just might have found a place that could be considered 'safe' to let down my guard. I have to say that again, I just might have found a group of women and a place where it is safe to let down my guard. Can you hear my exhale as I write that?

I can't wait to go back again. It is a four hour round trip drive on a Sunday night, but I can't wait.  the next meeting falls on the fourth of july holiday so it is being canceled and the next meeting won't be for a month. I will be there.

(Don't get me wrong, you gals RAWK my world, but until I can sit in a room with you for a few hours, the RESOLVE group is going to have to fill that void!)

* * * VEGAS SPA RECOMMENDATIONS?
I'll be in vegas this weekend, visiting family. I would LOVE to spend some time at a Spa, one where I can spend a portion of the day wearing a robe and slippers, order a drink, sit by a pool, soak in a sauna, and get a massage or some other decadent treatment.  Please let me know if you have any suggestions! Or if you live near Vegas and might want to meet up with me at the Spa :)

Summer Plans

A girlfriend emailed me today to make plans for a girls weekend this summer. She doesn’t know about our challenges with infertility. She proposed a date in August. First thing I had to think about was where we might be in our treatment. Can I make plans for August? What if I need to stay close to home for treatment that weekend? How will I explain if I need to cancel the trip? Maybe I just shouldn’t make plans at all.

Time-Out. My plans have been on hold for so long. Trying to plan my life around the possibility that we might be moving forward with IVF on a certain date is making it impossible to live my life. I wrote back and told her that I would LOVE to plan a girls weekend and the date she proposed would be perfect.

There is a scenario in which I’ll have to cancel because of treatment, but the chances are so small. Even though I just know that we have more bad news waiting for us when we get our next SA at the end of July, I want to believe that they will find sperm and we will start IVF with my cycle that month, which would mean I couldn’t go away. Small chances, so tiny, not even worth mentioning. Its amazing how a glimmer of a chance can be enough to control my life. I sure don’t plan my summer around the chance that I could catch the flu, get laid off, break my leg, win the lottery, etc. Crazy. When I think about it like that, I feel a little bit crazy!

Final Summer without Kids

It was a few years ago that I started thinking this could be the last summer we do this or that free from the burden of kids. (yep, we used to say things like that - little did we know the burden would actually be getting those kids.) What stands out most in my mind is a summer camping trip we take every year with a group of friends from college. Definitely not the kind of trip that would be appropriate for little ones, but loads for fun for us bigger ones.

We were on one of these adventures the first time we ‘slipped’ up on our birth control. It was late afternoon, we were having the most wonderful time, we got caught up in the moment, and, well, one thing led to another. I knew it was late in my cycle, but oh my god, we hadn’t planned on this, and anything was possible. I was happy. Really happy. Just knowing that there was a possibility that we could have conceived made me so happy. Just knowing that he might be ready to really start trying made me so happy.  It was a pure innocent kind of happiness, a calm happiness that I yearn to have again.

I was sure that trip we were on that summer would be the last one like it that we took without kids.

Fast forward to 2010. Yeah, so here we are years later planning the annual summer camping trip, headed back to the same forest where the first (what was supposed to have been fateful) incident took place.

I am excited about a vacation and spending time with our good friends. I especially love vacations because I get to spend so much time with him. The timing of the trip is really nice because we will be just finishing up four months of hormone therapy that is supposed to generate sperm production. We’ll get the SA before we leave, (expecting negative results), and will probably appreciate a chance to get away and grieve together.

I don’t find myself thinking anymore that maybe this will be the last summer we do this without kids. I just want to find a way to enjoy the experience without any expectation of what comes next. I want to enjoy the moment, to love in the moment, to let go of these expectations and fears and enjoy it for what it is. This is my life and I’ve spent too long thinking about conception and planning my life around it. This is it. It may or may not be our final summer trip without kids. Regardless, this is my life, and it is up to me to live it.