Infertility E-Class

This past March I took an infertility e-class with Lily from The Infertile Mind. It was incredible. I wrote a post about it earlier, and will forever be grateful to Lily for the gift that she gave me via that class. It was that class that opened the world of this online community for me, and helped me find the most essential tool of writing to help me on this journey.

I am so excited to announce that Lily is going to offer another infertility e-class starting in October! I can't recommend this class highly enough and hope that you will all sign up and participate.

A trip to Australia by Diane Armitage

I've seen this posted here and there. I think it was originally written about adoption, but sure seems fitting for all of us grieving the ability to conceive naturally.


"Deciding to have a baby is like planning a trip to Australia. You've heard it's a wonderful place, you've read many guidebooks and feel certain you're ready to go. Everyone you know has traveled there by plane. They say it can be a turbulent flight with occasional rough landings, but you can look forward to being pampered on the trip. So you go to the airport and ask the ticket agent for a ticket to Australia. All around you, excited people are boarding planes for Australia. It seems there is no seat for you; you'll have to wait for the next flight. Impatient, but anticipating a wonderful trip, you wait--and wait--and wait. Flights to Australia continue to come and go. People say silly things like, "Relax. You'll get on a flight soon." Other people actually get on a plane and then cancel their trip, to which you cry, "It's not fair!" After a long time the ticket agent tells you, "I'm sorry, we're not going to be able to get you on a plane to Australia. Perhaps you should think about going by boat." "By BOAT!" you say. "Going by boat will take a very long time and it costs a great deal of money. I really had my heart set on going by plane." So you go home and think about not going to Australia at all. You wonder if Australia will be as beautiful if you approach it by sea rather than air. But you have long dreamed of this wonderful place, and finally you decide to travel by boat. It is a long trip, many months over many rough seas. No one pampers you. (Isn't that the truth!) You wonder if you will ever see Australia. Meanwhile, your friends have flown back and forth to Australia two or three more times, marveling about each trip. Then one glorious day, the boat docks in Australia. It is more exquisite than you ever imagined, and the beauty is magnified by your long days at sea. You have made many wonderful friends during your voyage, and you find yourself comparing stories with others who also traveled by sea rather then by air. People continue to fly to Australia as often as they like, but you are about to travel only once, perhaps twice. Some say things like, "Oh, be glad you didn't fly. My flight was horrible; traveling by sea is so easy." You will always wonder what it would have been like to fly to Australia. Still, you know God blessed you with a special appreciation of Australia, and the beauty of Australia is not in the way you get there, but in the place itself."

By Diane Armitage printed in the April 21, 1995 "Dear Abby" column.

No Cavities

I went to a new dentist this morning. They gave me a new patient questionnaire to complete. Name, employer, general health history, etc.  Then there was the question that gave me pause. "Are you pregnant / trying to get pregnant / nursing?"


Really, it is a simple question with a simple answer, but as I stared at the question, I was almost offended. (offended really isn't the right word, but I can't figure out a better one.) For a decent number of women who complete that questionnaire, that answer is far from simple. I understand that their reason for asking is all about the x-rays that they take and their intent to protect the unborn. So while the truth is that I am desperately trying to get pregnant, the fact of the matter is that they don't need to protect me from the x-rays because there is no chance that I am pregnant.


I thought about circling the "trying to get pregnant" answer, since I really am. But it would have just led to a pointless discussion that I didn't really want or need to have.  So I left it blank. As far as my dentist is concerned I am not trying. Why, I wonder, am I so bothered by that?


Maybe the question could have read, "Are you pregnant? Is there any chance you might be pregnant?" I wouldn't have to lie about a question like that.  (I do know that this is taking it a bit far, but it is honestly where my mind went as I lied there with my mouth open and full of instruments.)


Maybe I am a little obsessive, but I thought about this question for the duration of my cleaning, and now I am here writing about it.  Now I can let it go.


* * * * 
Unrelated to the dentist, I cam across an old post, "Confessions of a lurker", on "Somewhat lower" that I need to share. Sara talks about how and why the pain of infertility is different. She says: " The fact is that little in life can prepare you to have to make such potentially life-changing decisions, often with so little information, and with so little social support."  Something about reading that was so incredibly validating for me. Of course. I am learning how to deal with this as I experience it. It is like learning how to swim after being dumped in the middle of the Ocean. Considering that, I am doing a pretty good job!


She also talks about the length of time that we are left alone in that Ocean. She says: " I think that's the problem. With many other kinds of loss, the loss happens as an event. With infertility, it's not an event, it's a process that can go on for years. The outcome is not clear. The only way to know if a decision was good was with 20/20 hindsight. So, it's hard to know when to laugh, when to cry, when to mourn, when to pick yourself up and try again, and when to move on."  With so many other kinds of loss, there is a specific event, a specific time-frame. We can see the shore and swim towards it. But with infertility we are swimming in a direction that we hope will take us to the shore, we could be swimming in circles, we might have chosen the wrong direction and actually are swimming away from the shore. And all the while we are using up our energy, our limited resources. Reading Sara's post made me feel like I am not alone in the Ocean. There are others who are out here with me - and a team of cheerleaders back on shore rooting for me to keep going, knowing that i will eventually get there. 


I felt like she was reading my mind. It is an incredible post. Thank you Sara.