Survivor

Reflecting on the loss of a deeply wanted pregnancy a year ago today. Lots of big complicated feelings to unravel. Picking up the pieces of shattered dreams is never easy and it's taken a serious toll on me and my family. 

I am grateful to know that I am stronger and more resilient than I ever wanted to be. 

And grateful to everyone who has stood by my side this past year to hold me up when I wasn't strong enough to stand alone. Life is nothing if not messy and complicated with beautiful moments scattered throughout. 

I survived this past year and will focus my next on gratitude for the beautiful things that are all around me.

For Me.

Microblog Mondays

I did a few things just for me this week.

On Thursday I let my sister talk me into going on a cruise, my her and my mom. I desperately needed something to look forward to.

On Saturday I sat in the sunshine. It was glorious.

Today I went for a walk when I got home from work. a quick walk around the block, and it felt so good.

On Wednesday I am taking the day off work to go to Science Camp. I'll visit with our local fifth graders and their teachers who are there all week and maybe get to play some games too.

A few things, just for me.

How Are You?

I found the Momastary blog after reading 'Love Warrior'. I loved Glennon's book and was desperate to consume more of her wisdom and beauty.

One of her posts from way back in 2014 includes a list of questions that you can ask a spouse instead of "How was Your Day?" I loved her contradictory complicated stream of consciousness response that remained unspoken when she was asked that question by her husband. It was so real.

I hate being asked "how are you?". It's such a fake loaded question.  No one who asks that question really wants to hear the real answer, especially if it is a complicated sad unfixable kind of answer. I have many of the same feelings about the 'When are you going to get pregnant?' question, and the 'you only have one?' question, but I hate lying so over the years I've had a whole set of different answers that I use to respond but deflect the question. Right now it is "I'm trying hard to focus on the things I am grateful for." It's not a lie, but it sure leaves the truth hidden safely away.

What I just realized reading Glennon's post is that I still ask people that same question - the question that I hate - "How Are You?" There are so many other questions that I could ask. I never thought about the fact that I am asking others to put on their mask and respond to me with some half-truth because we have all been taught how to answer that question in a way that makes the person asking feel good, regardless of the reality that you are experiencing. This week I am going to practice asking other questions and really being present to listen to the answers, starting at home.

For Work:
What are you working on?
Have you had any victories lately?
Do you have any exciting trips planned?

For Home:
What made you feel happy today?
Can I give you a hug?
What are you looking forward to today/tomorrow/ this week?

Language is indeed a gift.

Open Wounds

Love Warrior Glennon Doyle Melton wrote: "Make sure you're sharing from your scars, not your open wounds" and I agree, but how do you get the support and encouragement you need to heal when you are hiding your open wounds?

time for a blog remodel

I read a book this weekend. I rarely ever read anymore, and rarely ever finish a book when I start one. This one was like reading candy, it was really easy, and make me feel like I am not alone. Life is messy and complicated and hard and beautiful and there are no right or wrong answers. We are all just stumbling our way through it, doing the best we can.

If you can spare time for a good read I recommend Love Warrior by Glennon Doyle Melton. If you do read it, will you let me know so we can talk about it?  I feel like I need to talk about it.

Reading it made me remember how wonderful my blog was when was really difficult before.  I quit writing because I felt like it wasn't my story to tell anymore, but today I am taking back my words and owning my part of this messy complicated story. Circumstances are different this time, but I'm going to stick with this blog and find a new community of writers and hopefully reconnect with my old friends here.

I am trying really hard to focus on the things that I am grateful for, even when it feels like so much else is falling apart and out of control. I am grateful for this space and today I reclaim it as my own.

Anyone doing blog design work and want to help me with a little 'remodel'? Let me know.

xoxo