The Mountains

We made it to the mountains. I wanted it but didn't believe it would actually happen. But here I am, sitting on the deck, listening to the frogs sing songs of a winter gone by too quickly. Although I suppose it is almost May and might qualify as Spring. On Tuesday I'll celebrate a May day festival at my sons preschool.

I’m grieving the reality that I did not get to go skiing this year. It would have been the first chance I had to get back on my ski’s since getting pregnant with Little Fox. The weekend that we had planned to come up and spend a real day skiing fell apart that Friday when I ended up in the Emergency Dept for a Psych Evaluation. That most definitely was not the plan. Had it not been for Mr Fox who insisted on an outpatient Psych appt, which magically became available, I would have spent that weekend as an inpatient in order to be seen by a psychiatrist. 

My assignment for the weekend is to identify my distorted thinking. It sort of goes with my ingrained sense of stubborn. I look at my life and for as long as I can remember I have had such certainty and confidence in my decisions, in my opinions, in my personal determination.

I’m pretty sure it's why I have been fired or politely asked to leave almost every job I’ve ever had. i do not make for a good employee. i do however kick ass when I am working under my own rules, under my own determination. 

Without even looking at the list of distorted thinking I can say with some confidence that it is those thoughts, at least some of those thoughts, that have led to my success. It's true that I can be a pain in the ass when I am on a mission, when I am convinced of something and convinced that I can convince you. For the most part though, I think they have served me well. Everyone who knows and loves me will tell you that I am incredibly stubborn. 

I personally think that I am pretty easy going and down with whatever the plan is. But when I have an opinion about something, you can bet that I am going to stand my ground. 

What I think I am realizing, again and again, is that my real distortion comes in knowing what I am able to handle, knowing how much of it I can handle, and knowing how to say no with a full and loving heart. 

I’ve not been graceful in my transition to motherhood, nor have I been graceful in my hormone filled attempts to grow my family. I care deeply about my family and my community, and feel like I have so much to offer. As a result I am involved in A LOT of organizations and take on what is apparently too much responsibility. 

The air here is so cold and fresh. I can smell the smoke from our fire, and a sweet scent of the pine trees that are just beyond the deck. I love it here. With nothing to do but simply be. And the soul filled memories of growing up in this magical place.

The other night, after I’d had a really successful public board meeting and convinced my treatment team to reduce my days from 5 to 3, I felt so accomplished. I felt sure that this was the right plan and that I was on the right path. I even got home that afternoon and drove, for the first time in 2 months, just across town to the the enrollment papers for my son to start school. I was feeling so independent. But at the same time i wasn’t. I was overwhelmed and not so sure that I was as far along as i had envisioned myself to be. 

I them attempted to do some work -a small project for work. There are things that i can do that will take 5 minutes but to leave them to someone else it could take them 5 hours. I completed the two tasks that i’d been asked to help with but found myself feeling SO overwhelmed. i couldn’t focus on the work the way I needed to, and it took so much energy to complete such simple tasks. I was asked to do more but I had to say no. As much as I want to be involved, I want to be helpful, I want to be efficient, I wasn’t in a position to do any of it. I had to say no. 

Maybe part of the sweet scent I smell is from the rosemary that I rubbed my hands in earlier today when I had to step out of core group to take a call from my psychiatrist. I interrupted Beans, and felt bad, but had to take the call. I stayed outside for a few extra minutes and braided the strands of rosemary. 

SO here we are. In the Mountains . It's cold outside, too cold to stay on the deck and listen to the song of the frogs. I wish I knew what they were trying to tell me. I feel like there was a time when I knew, when I could find meaning in their collective course, but that time feels so far away from me right now.