Giving as Addiction

My assignment yesterday was to answer a series of questions intended to get at the underlying issues of why we participate in addictive behaviors to distract us from our anxiety. I had a really hard time identifying that I had an addictive behavior or even what my 'addictive' behavior is. As I've stated before I don't see the cognitive distortions I identified as being bad things, but instead as things that serve me and help me control my anxiety.

I think I am beginning to see that I am using all of these cognitive distortions  to keep myself busy to distract myself from my anxiety, rather than addressing the underlying issue that is the anxiety. It's like saying "ohhh your leg is broken, let's put some tape around it, and keep hiking".

I have to be present for myself, to take care of myself first, before I can do anything for anyone else. I've said it before, but I think that maybe I am beginning to actually understand. Somehow I ended up developing 'positive' addictions as distractions, rather than 'negative' addictions like substance abuse or an eating disorder. The point however is that I found a way to distract myself from my anxiety, and I took that distraction to a point that was unsustainable and led to a nervous breakdown.

It's the equivalent of having one glass of wine with dinner every night vs having a whole bottle every night. I found myself 'giving' and engaged in much more one glass of wine every night. It overwhelmed me to the point that my anxiety took over and brought me back down to my knees.

I'm not yet sure how it plays out from here, since I will most definitely remain involved in my community, but I'm going to have to figure out how to do it in a way that is sustainable. One of my most favorite quotes has always been and Rumi / Coleman Barks quote "Let the Beauty we love be what we do, There are a Hundred ways to kneel and kiss the ground." I always took that to mean that I could give to my community in ways that   made me feel good. I guess that I need to think about myself as being 'beauty that I love' in the same way that I love the community work I do.

 And if we decide to to another final FET, I am going to need to limit everything else in my life so that I have the emotional capacity to deal with those emotions.

In any case, here is a list of the questions and my answers from our assignment yesterday.

What do I struggle with?

Keeping busy to distract from and avoid my anxiety.

Saying No with a full and loving heart

What Triggers me?

Having free time - not being busy

Seeing a problem and knowing that I have the skills/expertise to fix the problem.

Being asked to help solve a community problem, knowing i have something to offer.

Vulnerability Factors

• Being asked to help
• Seeing a problem that I can help with

• Forgetting my priorities
• Not communicating with / feeling disconnected from Mr Fox
• Feeling like I have something to contribute

• Commitments that take more time than expected
• Feeling resentful about my work / my colleagues
• Having authority figures tell me what to do. Not having autonomy.
• Lack of Sleep / Being Tired

Feelings During Activity

Before	During	After
Excited Hopeful Helpful Driven	Good Productive Focused Competent	Accomplished Relieved Positive

Pay off from my Activity

Positive	Negative
Contribute to my community Recognized by community People have improved lives My community benefits Hopeful	Overwhelmed Exhausted Relationship Strained Shut down Tense Lack of Time for other things

Coping Skills

Keeping busy to distract from and avoid my anxiety.

Remembering that I have to come first. In order to be present for anyone else I have to take care of myself first. Keep a list of the things that I can do to restore and care for myself.

Just say NO!

Keep a list of my priorities

Delegate to others / Trust that they will figure it out.

....More to come, this program is intense and is giving me A LOT to think about.