Why why why is this so f;ing hard. I am a f;ing wreck. An irrational wreck.
Just got into a huge fight with Mr Fox about a jacket - the Alaska Fleece Hoodie that i lost sometime in the last month. It made me feel safe. I could pull the hood up, put on my sunglasses and hide from the outside. I wore it then we did our ODWU (One Day Work Up) at CCRM.
I am so scared about this program that starts tomorrow. I am so scared that I am simply overwhelmed.
He wouldn't take me to the store to get a new jacket tonight, so I called my mom. She came right away and we got a new jacket, one with a hoodie so that I can hide in my hoodie tomorrow if I need to.
It's so stupid. But I feel so abandoned by Mr Fox. He was trying to be rational with an irrational being who was in a full blown panic. It was a losing battle for both sides.
We just got home and had a brief talk. I told him that I felt abandoned, at least in that moment.
I told him that his drinking is going to come up in this program. He is rationalizing that it was okay to lie to me about it because I put a 'condition' that I don't want to know about it. In him mind that means he can drink whenever he wants and hide it from me. The truth is that he broke his promise to me. The only thing I left our last conversation with with that he promised to NOT LIE to me about when he was drinking.
I am scared that this is going to end our relationship.
I am scared about tomorrow.
I am so f;ing scared that the drugs I'm taking can't touch it and the tears keep coming.
f. f. f.
1 comment :
Honey, I know you are going through hell. I am walking beside you. Please know this.
In these times, it can bring comfort to remember that "all great changes is preceded by chaos".
There are changes that need to happen in your life and your body knows it. Listen. It's trying to tell you. I don't know what these changes are, but I trust ardently that you will figure it out.
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