My big plans for today included getting up, getting dressed, eating breakfast, walking down the street to an exercise class, then walking home and working on a small to-do list. Sounds reasonable right.
Dressed safely in my sunglasses and hoodie, because just like the the Dude taught us sunglasses will protect you from anything, I walked the two blocks to class.
My alerts were all on high as I walked farther and farther from my house. There were only a few moms at the class but my anxiety kept climbing so that I texted Mr Fox to come get me halfway through the class. As soon as we were done I opened the door and he was waiting right there with our dog to walk me home.
I've been reeling since then. I don't ever want to leave our house again.
I am so scared that there is something seriously wrong with me, wrong with my brain. I am so scared that everyone is saying this is just a reaction to an unsuccessful IVF. I am so scared that it is more than that and I am actually really broken, but no one is going to figure it out.
1 comment :
that fear is expected when you've had such a steep decline in your mental health. But please consider my words: People recover from what you are going through right now, and all of them fear that they won't.
I think you learned something today: Right now, your to-do list needs to be more modest. It can expand later, but for now, tiny steps. Going out can be in the backyard.
I hope you keep writing. I'm here.
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