Not so Fast.

I'm on a lot of medications at the moment, and am having a hard time keeping track of the days this past week and what exactly is was that 'broke' me. Here goes at my best attempt at recreating a timeline that led me to the Emergency Department for a Psych Evaluation.

Our Frozen Embryo Transfer went perfectly. My lining was better than it had ever been. The embryo defrosted perfectly as a day 5 AA CCS genetically perfect blasting out of its shell. I was so sure that it worked. I just knew that I was pregnant. I felt all of the right twinges and my boobs grew and hurt like a bitch. I knew I was pregnant.

I went for my beta 9 days later on Thursday, but when I got the call from the clinic it turned out that the lab had only ran a qualitative result (Yes or No). They had the lab working to re-run the test and would call us on Friday with the results. A few calls back and forth with the Clinic and the Lab to figure out what has happened and I finally had to beg the nurse to tell me that it was a Positive result. BFP!!! I was pregnant, just like I knew I was.

When Mr Fox got home that evening, I had Little Fox tell him "I'm going to be a big brother." It was the excitement and happiness that I've dreamt of. On Friday we got the actual beta of 45, which confirmed pregnancy, so I met up with my sisters and got a video of telling them that I was pregnant. It was so much happiness and joy. The next day Little Fox gave my mom a little onesie as I told her we were pregnant. Her reaction was beautiful. Later that evening we stopped by Bestie's house to make the big announcement there too. I made a sweet little meme image that we could share announcing Baby Fox due in November.

Mr Fox had plans in the City to engage in debauchery with a few buddies on Saturday night. I got my second blood draw done, knowing that it would take a day to get the results.

Sunday morning as Little Fox and I were getting ready to go to a birthday party I got a call from the Clinic that my beta had dropped from 45 to 8 and it wasn't a viable pregnancy. Danm it. I asked for another beta just to be sure. I left a message for Mr Fox. I sent a brief text message to important people saying that we'd celebrated too early and that it wasn't a viable pregnancy. And we went off to the 4 year old birthday party.

Mr Fox was home shortly and we were sad, but accepted that this is an imperfect science with odds against us. We still had one final embryo to transfer, so hope was not lost.

I went back to work that Monday and kept busy all week.

I woke up the following Saturday with awful cramps. I loaded up on Advil and fixed one of those back heater wraps to my tummy and went to an important work event. The Advil wasn't helping. My mother in law was in town for the weekend so I sucked it up and did afternoon activities as a family. Early that evening I retreated to bed and called my Dr to ask about the cramps.

Who knows what she really said, but what I heard was "you're fine, take some more advil, get over it." In retrospect this may have been the beginning of the unraveling. I had physical pain that was now directly connected to my emotional pain and I couldn't ignore it anymore.

We went to breakfast with the in-laws the next morning, and I want to bed for the remainder of the day.

The tears started that evening.