Loaded

Today was not an easy day. It started off okay. I got up with Little Fox. Got him dressed and fed and ready to head off to school with daddy. I was on my own for about an hour, which was much more anxiety provoking that I expected. My mom arrived to take me to my therapy appt. I was freaking out about leaving the house. The panic just escalated until we got the the therapy office where I started crying. and crying. I had a list of things to talk about and ran through them all. The bottom line was that we agreed that my meds were not working. I needed to get seen by a physician asap and get them adjusted. The anxiety spiral was getting worse and worse. I didn't want to leave my room anymore.

It got ugly when my mom and Mr Fox disagreed about the best steps forward. It was beyond stressful for me to hear them trying to come to terms with a plan forward. In the end I just started taking xanax. It was an old prescription but i was desperate for some relief from the panic. The xanax helped. I did some grown up coloring. I did some facebooking. I cuddled with Mr Fox. Then it was time to go to the new Dr. I don't understand what happened but Mr Fox said things that freaked me out and we got into some sort of argument. I was freaking out, crying, fearful of leaving our house, terrified that the new Dr was not going to help me and I'd be left in this awful state of mind.

We got to the Dr and he did listen to me. He took away the Halcion and Klonopin, but added valium 3x day and Xanax as needed. He gave me a regular schedule for the meds, but also told me how much extra I can take if needed. We have another appt on Friday.

The other thing I was SO worried about was work. I'd spoken to my boss who was supportive, but then my colleague called today and I panicked. Turns out she was just calling to let me know that I have a ton of vacation and can take as much time off as I need. Wow. Okay that was a relief.

So, As it currently stands, I am LOADED on drugs right now. Hoping that they can help me get to sleep, but instead I am here blogging. It feels good to write though.

I do believe (in this particular moment) that I am strong and will overcome this, but damn it, I wish it could happen faster.