I Won't Give Up

I know that there are some hard core Jason Mraz lovers here. I just listened to his song "I won't give up" and it it home BIG time.

Last Friday I was sitting in the 'clinical decision' unit of our local hospital for a psych assessment. My therapist had sent us there. The Labor and Delivery Nurse manager met us at the door and took us straight into a private ED room. I hugged her, but it was super awkward since I work professionally with her, often as advisaries. My mom and husband were with me. I'd glad that my mom was there and told the nurse that I didn't need to put on the paper gown - I was already feeling beyond incredibly vulnerable. We waited for what felt like forever, until they moved us to a different part of the hospital, the 'Clinical Decision Unit".  

A man came into our room and asked my mom and Mr Fox to leave. It sounded like a statement rather than a question and I immediately wished that I had said no and had them stay. He asked me a bunch of questions, I honestly can't remember any of them. My mom and husband came back into the room and I held onto my husband like he was the only stable thing in the room. The staff and my mom and therapist were all recommending admission. I honestly didn't care anymore. I just couldn't feel this way any longer. I was desperate for an escape from my mind, from the grief of our failed FET, from the fear of our final cycle not working, from trying to function in a world that just kept moving forward while I was paralyzed.

God love my husband who kept asking questions, who kept pushing to get me seen by a psychiatrist as an outpatient, who spoke up about my fears about being left alone in a hospital, he was incredible. He wasn't going to give up on me, even as I was clinging to him, curled on a hospital bed crying and unable to speak up for myself. His perseverance got us an appt that afternoon with a psychiatrist and a safety plan to take me back home to my own bed. 

We drove straight across town to the Psychiatrist office. Also awkward is that I know his wife well and used to babysit for his step daughter. He has twin daughters who were born via gestational surrogate after his wife lost a pregnancy at 5 months. He knew intimately the grief and loss that is infertility. Nonetheless, I wasn't in a place where being told that my grief would pass was helpful. But having a plan and knowing that someone was going to try and help me was really helpful. He added some prescriptions (abilify and ??? ) to the mix I am already on and made a follow up appt for the following Tuesday.

Mr Fox got me home, got extra help to watch Little Fox and me, got my prescriptions filled, and has taken care of everything since then. We've had our challenges, but dear god, this man "Won't Give Up On Me." I may be a royal mess, but he's got my back. 

There is so much I need to get out and I think that it might be time to add blogging back to my toolbox of coping strategies. In the meantime Thank YOU (Yep YOU - whoever you are and however you ended up here) for reading this and for being a safe place for me to share.