happy easter, or whatever

I suddenly feel like a enormous burden to everything around me. and yet all afternoon I was feeling so good, so cal, so collected in my thoughts.

Mr Fox, don't even know how to unravel these thoughts. He was drinking again without telling me. He was only doing it when I wasn't around or after Id gone to bed, but HE LIED TO ME AGAIN. I can't rewind conversations from the past but I swear that the agreement was that no matter what happened he would NOT lie to me ever ever again about his drinking. I am so angry, no hurt, but yet I so desperately need him, for like everything right now that I don't even know how to call him out on that shit. Had the circumstances been different I would have told him to leave.  To leave until he had time to think over his choice, apologize to me and swear that he would never gain lie at the risk of our future together. Those are the things I can't say, because I need him, because my only other option right now would be in-patient treatment at a local hospital.  Shit. And to hame it more complicated he has been amazing, gone out of his way to make me NOT feel like a burden, to be a rock star advocate, to keep me safe. He is my hero, so it just doesn't feel fair to have all those other feelings about the betrayal of drinking.

I talked to my  boss tonight about taking long term disability, activating my FMLA and trying to figure out to keep my benefits. The health benefits that I carry for our family that my employer pays about $2,000 month for. I could go withoutn the pay, (which is the deal since my unit opted out of SSDI), but I can't have the additional expense of paying for the health benefits, even if they agree to save my job for me. My boss is amazing, like a fairygod mother. She loved me and supported me and offered anythign that we need to do to extend my leave as long as I need and to keep my benefits as long as we possibly can.

The thought of being out of work for months, I just can't understand what happened. I was there one day and then bam I devolved. Part of me wonders if I should just ask mr fox to take me back to the hospital so that he can have a normal week. The guilt i feel is overwhelming.

Little Fox is such a sweetheart. He is loving and kind and gentle. We had a very nice easter morning. I even did the pinterest mom things and put creape paper up on his door and made a cute little basket with his favorite toys. I t was hard to leave the house to go to brunch with my mom. I felt on the verge of tears the whole time. But I did it. My family loves me.

I spent the rest of the day at home in my bed, with my laptop and tv, and magazine. it felt safe and warm and relaxed. I felt like everything was normal. It was in the state of mind that I spoke to my boss.

The cotton mouth is killing me. Its from the drugs, but dang I cant drink enough water to starve it off, and it gives me a sore throat. and the sleeping drugs, I'm not sure they are helping at all. I took the Hancion at 7:30 last night but was still awake at 11pm worried about the creape paper in the hallway. However I slept hard enough that I woke with a yukky kink in my neck, probably because I didn't move in my sleep. Things to talk to the Psych about I suppose.

I don't think that these meds are right, at least for right now. The acute panic sets in like a thunderstorm and I can't get it back under control fast enough which sets off a cycle of rebound panic. I need something that will zonk me. I get why people self medicate. I get it now. I'm not going to do it, but i'm going to tell my psych that i need better tools to control/prevent the spiral.

I really do feel like I am a hostage being held by my brain. Like my rational brain is being held hostage by the crazy brain. But even the rational brain has issues that need to be addressed in order to feel as peace.

I have a masseuse coming to the house tomorrow morning to give me a massage. Maybe it will help me get a little grounded. and help my neck krink. Other than that I have on my list, to take a shower, get dressed, and try to do some gardening in the year.

Augusta thank you for your comment. It meant a lot coming from you.  Did you get the little package we mailed a month ago? I know the mail can be slow and getting back to people is even harder. Little Fox helped me make the bag, He loves his.

Damn this journey. Damn it all.


At least my little fox got an easter to be remembered.