I am disappointed, for sure. But its hitting me slowly, and the grief of it all is growing.
So now what? grieve, and spoil my son. and then we will have to make a decision about what to do next.
To be honest, I had a hard time really getting exciting about it all in the first place, but I'm sure that a big part of that was the need to protect my heart from the total devastation that I felt with every BFN when we were trying to get pregnant originally. I keep rationalizing that our family is complete as it is, that we've already beat the odds and don't deserve to try again, that an only child will be fine because we have very close family friends he will grow up with, that the first year of having a baby was so hard and I'm not sure I could do it again (without ending up institutionalized). But then I know that I always wanted a big family, I can't imagine my life without my sisters. I want my son to have siblings to experience life with, I know how much my husband wants a second child, we are the only ones in our social circle who would have a single child, etc....
The thought of a full IVF cycle again is overwhelming, and the cost is not something that would be easy to swing. If we knew if was a sure thing I have no doubt we'd sign up tomorrow, but it is so hard to continue down a path where the odds are against you.
Did we give it our best shot by using the two embryos? Can i live with that and feel like this is how our family is meant to be? Or is this a rollercoaster that we are not yet ready to get off of just yet?
Thoughts and advice would be so appreciated. xoxo
8 comments :
Oh Foxy I'm so sorry. I had such high hope for your cycle! For us when our 2nd fresh cycle failed I couldn't imagine another try. Gave away or sold every single baby item we owned, It took me a year and a half to get up the gumption to try again, and while cycling I kept thinking "Why did we do this?" And regretting it. Until now of course, now I am so incredibly thankful that we did it,
So I guess there is no advice I can give you, you need to decide what is best for you family. Xx
Firstly, I am so sorry to hear this. Such hard decisions and most probably something that you cant make right now. I always wanted to figure out my plan of attack when each cycle failed, kind of as a way of processing the grief. However, just remember that it is a process and dont make any rash decisions. You may feel differently in a few days, weeks, months etc.
I am a thinker, and couldnt settle until I knew what my plan was, but after our third failed cycle and we were trying to decide between paying for another cycle with my eggs or with a donor, the more I thought about it the more I realised that this was my end point. I knew, that for me, another cycle could tip me over the edge mentally and that I wanted to be a mum more that I wanted to have a baby. For me, that was my answer and it took a period of thinking to come round to that.
I guess what I am trying to say is that everyone is so very different and what is right for one is not for another. You will come round to the right decision for you, but give it some time. As you say, you are grieving and its a process to work through.
Sending much love you way xxx
Sorry Foxy.
I have no idea what advice to give.
I do think you gave this cycle your best shot, so please do not regret that.
Oh, Im so sorry. :(
Even though you already have a son Im sure it's not any easier than the first time you did a cycle. All the emotions come back.
I Will be thinking of you. Take your time on your decision.
Thank you so much for sharing your journey so openly and honestly. I'm so sorry to hear about your recent failed cycle - the pain of infertility never really does get easier. I hope that time and some space will bring you the answers that you need - it is such a hard decision to make. Thinking of you and wishing you all the best!
I'm so sorry it didn't work (here from the LFCA). I'm in a similar spot. My son is about to turn 4. We used up our frozens from his cycle, did another fresh IVF, and another FET, and our best result was a miscarriage. We were supposed to be done, but I have sat with that decision for six months now and I still feel very conflicted. We're considering trying again, even though I have all the same fears you do (especially about the first year with an infant).
Everyone is different. I wish you all the best thinking things through. I've written a lot on my blog about my thoughts about only children, if you're interested.
T.
(blog is rescogitatae.wordpress.com btw)
Coming over from LFCA to say I'm really sorry you've had a BFN. I have a son through donor eggs after years of IF treatment and miscarriages. When he was 2, we tried again with the frozen embryos left from his cycle and got a BFN. I was devastated - far more than I thought I'd be as, like you, I'd felt a bit ambivalent about the cycle. Although I knew it was the end for us - I was 44, we'd have had to use DE again and didn't have the money etc - I thought a lot about it and found myself considering all the possibilities. If it's any comfort, two years on, no more treatment and I'm at peace with it. I even went ahead and had a hysterectomy when they repaired the prolapse I got giving birth! I'll always feel a bit sad that we didn't have another but, like you, the first year as a mum was hard and I wouldn't have been too happy about putting any of us through that again. In the end, we decided that the time, money, energy and love should be put into our wee boy, rather than chasing what, for us - not for everyone, was a remote chance of a sibling. I wish you love and luck with whatever you decide - only you know what's right for your family.
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