You are safe.

Maddy's death has shaken so many of us to our very core. It is all that anyone is talking about. We are confused, and upset, and angry, and scared. It is unimaginable. 

BUT at the same time I made a very deliberate decision yesterday to let my baby go play down the street with some neighborhood kids (including girls that we often pay as mother's helpers). It was the first time that we'd let him out 'alone'. 

I don't want to live or raise my child in a world that is scary. I want him to grow up knowing that people are generally good, that he is generally safe, that he belongs here in his community. THIS might be my only true desire for my child.

I grew up riding the city bus home from elementary school by myself, getting a hot dog at the transfer station, and then walking home from the final bus stop. Bad things happened to kids then too, but maybe it was different when we didn't watch those bad things play out hour by hour on social media.

I just read a facebook post about a fellow mom who was on the train with a few young girls. She helped them figure out their train stop and then got off the train to help them find the right street to proceed home on. It was this important reminder for me that there is good all around us. That the 'good' will always outweighs the 'bad'. I've been feeling like I needed to get all of these thoughts out and her post really helped frame my thoughts.

It wasn't 5 minutes before we could see my son with his friends through our back window. My husband and I just stood there watching him play, feeling all of the feelings that come with watching your child grow up before your very eyes. It feels like one of those moments that will be forever etched in my mind - standing huddled at the window watching intently as his head bobbed around and his laugh echoed off the neighboring houses. We decided it was time for me to walk over and bring him home. As I walked down the street he and his friends came skipping towards our house.

Kiss you babies tonight. And please remember that WE are the good in this world. Keep a loving and helpful eye on all of the other precious babies you encounter on your path.

BFN, Now What?

My beautiful little fox turned 3 years old in December and we decided it was time to start planning our FET cycles to use our two remaining frozen embryos. I started medications in December for a January transfer that was canceled at the last minute because my lining was not ready. So we signed up for the March transfer cycle. We doubled my meds, and everything was looking good. One of the blastocysts did not survive the thaw and we transferred the other one on March 20. I did a great job of being hopeful, but we got the call today that it is a negative result. 

I am disappointed, for sure. But its hitting me slowly, and the grief of it all is growing.

So now what? grieve, and spoil my son. and then we will have to make a decision about what to do next. 

To be honest, I had a hard time really getting exciting about it all in the first place, but I'm sure that a big part of that was the need to protect my heart from the total devastation that I felt with every BFN when we were trying to get pregnant originally. I keep rationalizing that our family is complete as it is, that we've already beat the odds and don't deserve to try again, that an only child will be fine because we have very close family friends he will grow up with, that the first year of having a baby was so hard and I'm not sure I could do it again (without ending up institutionalized). But then I know that I always wanted a big family, I can't imagine my life without my sisters. I want my son to have siblings to experience life with, I know how much my husband wants a second child, we are the only ones in our social circle who would have a single child, etc....

The thought of a full IVF cycle again is overwhelming, and the cost is not something that would be easy to swing. If we knew if was a sure thing I have no doubt we'd sign up tomorrow, but it is so hard to continue down a path where the odds are against you. 

Did we give it our best shot by using the two embryos? Can i live with that and feel like this is how our family is meant to be? Or is this a rollercoaster that we are not yet ready to get off of just yet? 

Thoughts and advice would be so appreciated. xoxo

a day for our family

Putting a call out for super sticky baby vibes! We have our Frozen Embryo Transfer tomorrow morning, and as much as I know the odds are against us, I can feel the hope creeping in deeper and deeper. 

Four years ago tomorrow was our embryo transfer that made me a mom, and eleven years ago tomorrow I married the love of my life. 

The day bodes well, but omg I am nervous.

How could I possibly deserve more than this?

Hang on tight

Here we go again!

It was inevitable. or so it felt.

and as terrified as I was, we made the call. I made the call.

And we sat in that office, listening to the Dr tell us about the two perfect grade A embryos that are sitting on ice. Our embryos. Two perfect little embryos that were waiting for us.

and our perfect little boy at home who keeps saying that he is going to be a big brother. because that is what all of his friends are saying. even though we keep correcting him and reminding him that he is a big cousin, not a big brother.

But here we are. Sitting in this office again. and I am terrified.

Terrified of the roller coaster. terrified of a 'maybe' pregnancy. terrified of an infant. Terrified.

and he says "we've had a 60% rate of twins this last year". and I might get up and run.

But I do want it. as scared as I am. I do.

and so here we are.

wish me luck, send me love, I don't even know what to ask for.
I just know that I'm back here again, and I'm hanging on tight.