Here to vent, so that hopefully I can get it off my chest and then fall asleep.
I get so angry at Mr Fox when I am the one who has to be responsible for everything. Its not that he doesn't help, he does, but somehow I am always the default, always the one who has to make sure that our child is fed, bathed, dressed for bed, ready for bed, and put to bed. Its not that i don't love doing these things with my little fox, but it pisses me off that Mr Fox can spend an entire evening with his ass on the couch, not getting up once.
And yet when I bring it up, to say, hey, I wish you could help more in the evenings. I get the defensive, are you saying I don't do anything around here? No that is NOT what I am saying. I'm trying to communicate, I am trying to for your help, rather than stewing over the fact that you didn't help tonight. Its a lose lose deal.
And so here I am, angry. Hiding in the bedroom. Its not solving anything, and only making me more angry that he doesn't even notice that I am gone. Grrr...
I hate this feeling, of anger and resentment, I hate it. It is a shitty way to feel, and really confusing because I can't remember ever feeling this way before we had little fox. and I hate the implication that it is because of little fox that these emotions surface.
Damn I hate this feeling of being alone.
And to make my emotions even more complicated, I feel like I *should* be getting *more* because its been two months of AA. I tried so hard to leave lots of space for the process, to set aside any expectations, but i tell you, its hard to not want it all, and want it all now. I still feel so disconnected, and now I really don't know how to approach it.
Not resolving anything here as I write, just making myself more upset. Maybe its time to try and talk again. I just want to know that this is a rough patch and that things will resolve.
2 comments :
I am so sorry Wendy. I get these frustrations too sometimes. Guys just process parenting so differently it seems. And I do think the mom ends up being "the default", like you said. The only couple I know that were able to really split parenting 50/50 are 2 guys. It's a delicate balance and some days it seems really unfair. I hope you are able to talk with Mr. Fox and let him know how you feel. I honestly think most guys just have no idea how much moms do and genuinely think they are being super helpful
Hey there, I'm sorry I've been MIA as far as commenting. But I do check in on you now and then!
I'm also sorry things are kind of one sided with guys right now. It's like that for me too, but in a different sort of way. I noticed at the end you said, "It's hard not it want it all, and want it all now". Oh, that stung me... My husband is bipolar and so with that, we deal with somewhat regular bouts of depression. Which means, if he is actually home (not working, he works 70+ a week) he's still not really there, and I end up with 100% of the work, and 0% support/help. But when he does start to come out of it, it's a slow process and I have to be very patient, and not rush back to where he left off. It's a transition. I have to pace my expectations and it makes me feel a little bit punchy stabby.
I don't have any advice, really. Just that I kind of get where you're at, and know that it blows, and I'm sorry....
Big hugs to you, friend.
(feel free to email me at bloggyme027 at gmail - if you ever need to vent privately)
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