This Foxy Mama

I've been thinking a lot about this blog, this space, and wondering if i might need to revamp it. I miss writing so much, and I miss the community that I found here. However things are so different now than when I started writing. It occurred to me last night that it might be time for a new name and a new design. What started out as "Someday" became "My Foxy Family". But the truth is that I feel like its not really my place to write about my family, what I find myself wanting, and needing to write about is myself, and my (not so graceful) transition into this new role as "this foxy mama". So with that I'll be calling my girl Alison and asking if she can find some time to mix things up for me, possibly in the form of a new space altogether.

Now the writers block sets in....

I've been having a rough time the past few months. Well maybe its more that things started to come to a head, i was just hitting a wall. That scary place where you are so close to falling right off the cliff and losing your mind was edging closer and closer. I felt like I was going to implode and was barely hanging on to normal functioning ny my fingernails. I told ML that I was feeling out of sorts, I told him over and over each day that I just wasn't feeling right. I drove past the hospital on the way home from work and thought that maybe I should just stop and check myself in. I just needed a time out - a break from the responsibilities of everything, a safe place where I would be taken care of so that I have a chance to regroup and get my head straight.

Its not like I have any more responsibility than anyone else, In fact I am like a poster child of a supported mom. But it just wasn't working. I was so tired, cumulatively tired, exhausted, that I ceased to be able to think straight. My memory was a disaster, and my reactions to normal daily blunders were exaggerated and out of proportion. But apparently to everyone else it appeared that I was doing alight, dealing with the normal challenges of parenthood. 

As a side note, I have to say that I HATE the way that parenting challenges are 'normalized' by all the experts. It may be 'normal' to be tired, 'normal' to feel overwhelmed, 'normal' for a baby to wake up during the night, etc, but telling me its normal really doesn't help when I am so desperately asking for help. I understand that they want us all to feel like we are not alone, but seriously. It doesn't mean anything if everyone is in the same boat as me if I am the only one who is on the verge of falling overboard and drowning.

I was scared because I really thought I was losing my mind, I really thought that I was going to have to deal with this on my own. I'd been screaming (not really screaming) for help from my husbad, but not being heard.

I could explain the details of what all happened, but the bottom line is that I found a lady who finally listened. She listened and mapped out a plan. She gave me two simple choices and reassured me that things would get better. My anxiety was out of control and she had a solution to help me regain control - and get me the break i so desperately needed.

Thank god for good drugs. The short term plan is working out wonderfully. I feel so much better. I am sleeping so much better. I am working so much better. I am momming and wifeing so much better. And most importantly I can see clearly all of the moments that had been spiraling out of control and stop them in their tracks.

This Foxy Mama has not had a graceful transition into her now role. But then again there are very few transitions that I have been graceful about making. :) And in retrospect I've always been a fairly anxious little being. It makes sense that this wouldn't be much different.


Moving right along to the list of things that I'd love to write more about:

I was quoted in paper twice this week :) I am getting so tired of fighting to save a program in one community when there are so many other communities who are fighting to bring this same kind of service into their neighborhoods. But we seem to have growing support from the larger power structure, so the fight continues. And I pass the torch as Board President at our meeting next week.

I love my boss, seriously love my boss. She has taken on ACOG in the fight to keep midwifery legal in our state - and fix the legislative loophole that prevents medi-cal from offering homebirths midwives as a covered benefit. It is a rather fascinating study on the power of trade lobby groups controlling the legislative process, but she has empowered me to take it on and work every angle that we can to broaden the discussion to include those who are affected by these laws. You can learn more about the fight at www.cafamiliesformidwives.org.

On Thursday last week i ran away. Everyone thought that I was work. Work was told I was home sick, and I ran away to the spa. I slipped into the soft plush robe, sat in the soft recliner, felt the heat of the fire on my toes, and closed my eyes. It was glorious. It was so peaceful. I felt safe and relaxed for the first time in who knows how long. No one was going to bother me, interrupt me, expect anything from me. I got my nails painted. I took a long shower. I read a trash magazine. On the way home I worried for a moment that ML might be angry that I played hookie without letting him know, but then rationalized that it cost a third of what a therapy appt would have :) and I felt so refreshed.

Next up is a plan to escape to a retreat down the coast for a night. They normally are booked for workshops, but if you call in the morning, they sometimes have an extra room available. I've mapped out the days that I could make it work and set a reminder to call those mornings. It wil be my first night away from my baby, but I need it. and I know that he and daddy will deal just fine. :)

My time is up... may this foxy mama rise to the challenges that await!