6 months ish

Nicknames:
I still call you baby cakes. When you wake up from naps I give you kisses and call you my little love boy. Daddy still wants your official nickname to be "E". Sometimes he calls you the flying spagetti monster. At the dr office today they called you Mr Velcro because you tried to take the scale with you after you got weighed. Little One calls you Quinnee and it melts my heart and you love it.

Exhaustion:
Yes. You cause massive exhaustion. Daddy and I are SO tired. really. so. tired. You quit sleeping well at night a few weeks back and its been a disaster.

Music:
You saw your first Cheese this last weekend. We met up with baby Gemma and Orion (at a 21+ Brewfest pre-show party in the basement of a bar on Telegraph) where you all played on a pool-table with adult bumpers preventing you from falling off. It actually worked out so much better than I expected, and you loved the live music and lights. On Sunday, We met up with your new buddy K (whose mom and dad seem like they could become good friends of ours) then Auntie Christy came to join us and you boogied down with her for a while before passing out.

We were hoping that you'd like music as much as we do. and it seems that you do. MaryLee is your favorite for car rides and almost always quiets you down.

Independence:
You want it bad. You started crawling right at 6 months. with  perfect form. We were at Max's birthday when you made 5 crawl movements in a row. Daddy looked at me and said 'did you see that?' You love to be able to move. I think that you are happier. and more cuddly too. When you are with me now you aren't struggling quite as much to get away.

Cuteness:
I've decided that you are actually very cute. I thought for a long time that people were just saying that to be nice - the way that all moms think their baby is cute. But I've decided that you really are quite adorable.

Your great-grandpa used to wear shirts with his initials monogramed in the top right corner. I still have one of his sweatshirts and love to touch those letters. Cousin MaryAnn offered to embroider some clothing for me so I sent her home with some shirts. She sewed your initials in big block letters onto the top right corner - just like my grandpa's. I love love love to dress you in those shirts. Grandpa would have loved you so much, and in this little way I feel like he is living on through you.

We sent another card out wishing a happy july 4th. So many people love you and love watching you grow. People think that because I can send a card out that I must have my act together, which is far from the truth. I just feel like it is so important to cultivate a community of people who love and adore you and who are invested in you and a part of your community. So many of these people waited so long for you to get here, and I want them to share in the joy that you bring us.

Parties:
You hosted your first big party- a six month birthday BBQ. You are a special little dude and we don't want your birthday to be overshadowed by the holidays, so we figured that we'd start celebrating your half birthday.  Daddy made tri-tip and mommy blew up balloons. And then the house filled up with people, most of whom had babies. It was quite the moment for us to realize that everything had in fact changed. It felt good to have people over again :)

Social:
You are SO social. You LOVE people. You crave lots of activity. You happily engage with anyone who will engage with you. You flirt like no ones business. I take you to the bank and the teller asks to hold you. I take you to meetings and you get passed around like a dooby - happy as can be - and bringing light and love to everyone who sees you.

Random things:
-You love to suck on fingers... any finger you can get ahold of. but sometimes you make daddy a little uncomfortable with how deep you jam his finget back in your throat... like is this really appropriate?

- We discovered a new word 'Boobyshine' - when mommy gets to have a cocktail and you get to have some boobyshine.

- Not everyone will think this photo is funny, but we do... You seriously crack us up sometimes... and this picture proves that you are your fathers son.

a different kind of dream

I had a dream that ML and I ran away. We left Q sleeping on the bed at my SIL's house, and ran away in the dark of the night. I don't know where we went, just that it was necessary, and was away from Q.  We knew that they would awake to his cries and that he would be safe there. Safe until we could get our wits about us and go back for him.

It was a desperate dream. One that I dreamt from the couch of my SIL house, after losing my shit sometime after midnight, after Q had awoken again. I got Q back to sleep then woke up ML, to cry and to tell him that I needed help. More help. That I was falling to pieces. Crumbling. ML did his best to offer comfort, despite the fact that it felt to him like I was blaming him for not helping enough, and then sent me to the couch to get some sleep. He played the hero and while I dreamt about running away. He soothed our baby back to sleep the next few times he awoke that night.

Maybe it is because I wanted this so much. Maybe that is why it is hard to be real about how incredibly hard it is to be a mom.And, let me be clear, let there be no misunderstanding about what I am saying. THIS IS HARD. 


It's hard, and I. am. so. tired. 

I made an appointment to go see my old therapist.

I write this because I need to write. Because I need to get it out.
Because I need to be reassured that I am not alone in having these feelings.
Because I need to be reminded that this is the only thing I have ever wanted.

and thats the thing. this is the only thing I have ever wanted.
and I feel guilty for 'wasting' parts of it.

I am so lucky to be able to ask for help. But I am having a really hard time knowing exactly what kind of help it is that I need. I have a super-dad as a husband - he seriously spends more time with Q than I do and knows his cues better than me. I have a babysitter come a few mornings a week so that I can sleep, because when I say tired, it is a tired unlike any I have ever imagined, and sleeping for a few extra hours in the morning is the only thing that makes a day functional. My mom comes over a few evenings a week to help, and she really is helpful. But I need more. but I dont know what to ask for. I don't know what to do, other than wait for this to pass.

In other words, Q is adorable, incredibly social, generally happy, except when he's not, and so full of energy. He loves people, loves activity, loves the outdoors. He is extreme in his reactions, intense in his emotions, and so aware of his surroundings. He is on the verge of crawling, able to creep and roll his way around the living room to reach toys, people, and his dog. He is vocal in his happiness, and has a strong set of lungs he exercises when he is unhappy. He is perfect in every way. Our beautiful little boy with the softest round cheeks and big warm smile. He actually reached out for me with both arms the other day and my heart melted. It is incredible.

incredible, yet intense.
and so hard.

adorableness