As a child, I threw horrendous temper tantrums. I'm not sure when they started, but I can remember having them into middle school. My memory might not be perfect, but I have a pretty clear idea about what caused my blow-ups and what might have helped resolve them.
According to the researchers, the best thing for parents to do is to simply ignore the child, wait for the "anger" stage to pass, then offer comfort for the "sadness" stage.
"The trick in getting a tantrum to end as soon as possible, Potegal said, was to get the child past the peaks of anger. Once the child was past being angry, what was left was sadness, and sad children reach out for comfort. The quickest way past the anger, the scientists said, was to do nothing. Of course, that isn't easy for parents or caregivers to do."
I respectfully disagree.
I'd argue that in most cases, temper tantrums are how a child communicates frustration when they don't have the words to express themselves or the attention that they need. Maybe I was a needy kid. Maybe I didn't have the language skills. It really doesn't matter. I have such clear memories of feeling desperate to be understood, while my frustration increased as my attempts to communicate failed, leading me to a place where I really didn't want to be.
To simplify a temper tantrum by suggesting that it is a way for children to manipulate parents is downright disrespectful. No one, child or adult, wants to be put in a situation where they feel desperate and out of control. Having to turn for comfort to the person who ignored you when you were desperate for help isn't much better.
I'm not suggesting that my parents did anything wrong - or in any way "caused" my tantrums. I don't doubt for a moment that I wasn't a difficult child to raise. I am stubborn, always have been. I don't respond well to the imposition of rules when their necessity can't be explained to me. From a young age my parents taught me to think independently and question things I didn't understand. This really made it difficult for my parents to use the "because we say so" line, but we did have good open communication and were able to talk about the 'why' behind most situations.
There was one incident when I was in kindergarden. My mom had plans to go out but apparently they hadn't been communicated to me. There was something I needed to tell her, but she left before I could talk to her. When I realized she was gone, I started screaming for her. My dad wouldn't get her for me, and I thought that if she heard my crys that she would return so that we could talk. Instead of simply asking me what I needed and helping me either get my mom before she drove away or understand why she wasn't able to come back into the house, my dad put me into my room until I stopped screaming. I was beyond frustrated. I felt alone. I felt abandonded. I felt out-of-control and I hated it. In my 5 year old rage, desperate for my parents to hear to me, I threw my doll's high chair into my bedroom door, puncturing 4 little foot holes right through the door.
Why do we think that it is okay to ignore a child when they need us most? If my sister or friend called me, upset about something, I would never consider ignoring her, telling her to call me after she had calmed down. If she was upset or yelling at me, I might ask her to lower her voice or be respectful so that we could talk about what was going on, but I can't imagine a situation where I would simply turn them away completely. Why is it okay to do this to a child?
Bestie is doing an awesome job raising her daughter, who recently turned two and has begun to test the waters of defiance and independent thinking. Bestie explains that it has been helpful when she gets frustrated to think about treating her child as an adult with dementia, showing the respect and patience that you would give to a loved elder, recognizing that they have limited capacity to understand or deal with their feelings, but deserve to be treated with kindness, dignity, and love regardless. This makes so much sense to me.
I acknowledge that it is easy for me to write these thoughts, not yet having had to deal with my child in the midst of a breakdown, but I had to share. and hopefully when my own child challenges me I'll be prepared to rise to the occasion responding to their needs from a place of love and compassion.
6 comments :
I worked in childcare for a loooooonnnnngggg time,I also have a degree in ECE and I now have a son, I don't think that you ignore the feelings but when you try to talk to them during a tantrum things just get uglier. What I did and will do with my son is sit nearby but not acknowledge the tantrum until they are done feeling their feelings. When done it is much easier to talk to them, hug them, etc... I in no way feel that it is ignoring them when they need you, I think it is more about letting them process before attempting to make them feel better. When they are done with the "tantrum" you can talk about it and it is far easier than trying to get in there while they are kicking and screaming etc... Just my little two cents. I don't think tantrums are manipulations either but I also think waiting it out before discussing it is the best option, I can tell you that with all of the children I have dealt with trying to calm them during a tantrum makes it worse, walking away and giving them space to feel makes for a much shorter tantrum and gives more time to discuss the feelings :)
I agree with the above poster- it's very hard to talk to a child when they are in a tantrum, because no one (no matter how old) is going to be able to hear/reason when they are that upset. With the kids I work with we do use selective attention, (always letting them know how they can calm their bodies down, and when they can do that we can talk). Sometimes I feel we all need some time to yell and scream before we are able to talk it through or be re-directed to another activity. Just my two cents!
I'm also a teacher and newly pregnant after a long battle with infertility.
I did have a kid once when I was teaching 4/5 year olds whose parents were going through marital problems who used to have a lot of tantrums. I used to leave her for a while until she had calmed down, that seemed to help. The following year she was fine.
I've also read a very good book: Barbara Coloroso "Kids are worth it" and she has a good chapter on tantrums. She makes the point that tantrums often happy when the kid is tired, hungry, frustrated or all three. She said there are 3 ages of rebellion: 2,5,puberty. Verbal skills do not match emotional states. She says that if the kid learns early on that his feelings are real and legitimate and is helped to express them in words and responsible actions, then it will be easier to adapt to the next stage of rebellion.
In the midst of the tantrum, she recommends rubbing the child's back, head, calmly affirming, labeling feelings "I know you are tired/ hungry/ frustrated and I am here for you, it is ok you are going to be alright." Once the child has calmed down, then you can figure out how to solve the problem e.g. get food or nap or give her something responsible to do for you.
Oh tantrums. Emmy throws tantrums quite a bit and I do think that it's often because she can't fully express what she wants and gets very frustrated. I find that when she's in the midst of a tantrum I can't talk or reason with her, but once she's calmed down a little I sit with her and tell her to breathe (for some reason this is calming to her) and then we talk about what she needs. Tantrums in public are the worst though.
I think there is a difference between ignoring, trying to use logical discussion in the middle of an emotional melt-down, and supporting the child through the melt-down. I think your point about the child wanting to be heard is key here. I try to support my child through his outbursts, telling him "I hear that you are so mad/frustrated/whatever. You really want X, and you're so mad that I said no. Go ahead and let your anger out." Then when he is done raging we can talk about it.
just checking in - are you still pregnant too??? i need to update my blog, but long story short, i'm due saturday and repeat c-section scheduled for tues 12/13, unless baby girl comes first! good luck to you!
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