the return of the emotional Foxy

Thirty Five weeks. Incredible.

Everyone want to know how I feel and I love answering "I feel Great." I really do.
In some ways, it feels like all of the hope and love that was missing during our journey to get pregnant is being paid back to me in dividends now. There really aren't words to describe the gratitude that fills my heart these days.

Having said all that, my body is feeling it! Its all fine and manageable, and I really don't have any significant complaints, but geez, this extra weight, this rib pain, the sharp jabs to my bladder, the aching in my hips and back... I can understand now why women say they are ready to be done being pregnant.

The thing is, I love this so much. I waited and wanted for this for so long. I don't want this to end, ever.

and yet, I am so excited about what comes next.

*****
ML is working so hard to finnish the remodel of two of our extra bedrooms into a private studio. We've rented out rooms of our home for years, but no longer want to share our space. The two side bedrooms are converting perfectly into a 1 bedroom studio with a private entrance and little efficiency kitchen. We'll still be able to collect rent, but won't have to share our home anymore. Finishing this remodel is at the top of the list to get completed before the baby arrives.

While we are planning on a homebirth, I drafted up a birth plan in the event that we end up with a hospital c-section. After having ML read it last night, I started to panic that he is not prepared to advocate for me if we end up transferring for a hospital birth. I've been asking him to read the Birth Partner book, and he keeps putting it off. I feel like everything will be fine as long as we are at home with our midwife team, but there are so many things that I worry we'll have to fight for if we end up in a hospital, and ML is going to end up being the one who has to fight for them.

I really hate that we can't have an OB and a midwife. I hate that we have to work with whatever OB happens to be on call if we end up at the hospital. I hate that we can't review our 'just in case' plans with our OB in advance. It feels so unfair, and just plain wrong.

My biggest fear about landing in the hospital with a c-section is that I'd be left alone, separated from ML. He didn't know that it is standard practice for the father to be present in the OR for the c-section delivery of the baby. He seemed surprised that I'd want the drape to be lowered in order to see our baby be born, even if from an incision in my stomach. He questioned my request that the baby not be bathed by hospital staff, and instead placed directly on my chest still wet. I hadn't realized how important these things were to me. or that I need them to be just as important to ML.

*****
I've been so emotionally steady and calm during this entire pregnancy. Its been such a nice change, and very much unlike the anxious emotional 'me' that normally appears during periods of life transitions. Maybe it is because I finally landed on the path that I believed would lead me to happiness, or because pregnancy hormones are really good to me, or possibly because I decided to continue taking my Lexapro for the duration of the pregnancy. All I know it that these past 6 months have been emotionally awesome.

But then, as if something changed when I woke up last Friday, I am feeling overwhelmed again. My body aches and pains are intensified. My emotions feel like they are sitting right on edge. I got into a fight with my sister, I didn't get anything that I needed to do done this weekend, and I totally fell apart crying to ML last night. I feel like it all just might come crashing down on me at a moments notice, and yet I hesitate to ask for the things that I really want and need. I hate feeling like I need to rely on everyone else again.
*****
I cut my hours back at work - from 40 to 32 per week. It's made such a huge difference for me. And while I have so much to get done before I go on leave, I just wish I could stay home and rest. I love my job, and am going to miss it while I'm gone, but am having such a hard time focusing on it as we lead up to my maternity leave. I'm off to work for the day, hoping to cross at least a few things off the list, then come home (hoping that ML won't be too tired from the remodel work to dote all sorts of love upon me.)