HBear Drama

Oh my goodness, we knew it was coming, but it really irks me more than I expected it to.

(For background reading on HBear check out this post and this post and this post.)

HBear is up to no good. We got a call today from her after-school job asking to confirm that she missed work last Friday due to a dr appt. Um, No. We purposely scheduled her Dr appt on Thursday after work even though it was much less convenient for ML and I. Apparently one of the other workers saw her at the corner store with some other kids which led to the suspicion. (This is the second time that she lied in order to skip work, after promising us that it wouldn't happen again. grrr.)

She called us "after work" on Friday to see if she could hang out with friends. We said fine. Then when she came home before curfew at 9pm, she immediately asked if she was in trouble. She asked if I'd received an email (in retrospect presumably from her boss), which I hadn't, and then insisted that we drop the conversation. We tried to push, but didn't have any reason to think that she'd done anything wrong, so we let it go.

Then on Sunday when I pay her for her weekly responsibilities, I asked her to verbally go over each one with me. We only have 4 house rules, Be respectful, Be responsible for yourself, Communicate, and Be honest. I asked her point blank if she had been honest with us this last week, and she said YES.

The other thing that is really bothering me is a brief conversation we noticed on facebook. (Yes, we spy.) It was an exchange last Wednesday between HBear and a boy we didn't recognize. He asked for her address, she responded with our address but said that her cousins (ML an I) are still awake. Then she writes and says that her cousins went to their room, but she needs to wait until they are asleep. he responds a bit later asking if they are still up. and thats it. no further messages. What the hell is that all about?

Last night, I wandered back into the living room for some unknown reason to find the lights on, the front door unlocked AND slightly ajar. After locking up again, I stopped by HBears room to find her laying in bed awake. I asked if she'd opened the front door and she looks up and says, "What, No, What" I asked her again with the same reply. Then I ask if she'd been in the living room, she says "What, No, Oh Yeah, I got a glass of water." I ask again about the front door, telling her that it was unlocked and OPEN, and she says "Um, oh, I, um heard a noise outside." What the hell am I supposed to think is going on? Seriously, I'm ready to lock her in her room at night.

We lost a lot of ground with the week-long school break. She had gotten into a rhythm of school, work, and homework, and had actually earned some freedom. We let her have the week to do as she pleased. Bad call on our part. She didn't actually seem to enjoy herself and got herself into some sort of situation where she and another girl at the part exchanged words. This drama apparently followed her back to school.

She saw her mom for the first time since she moved in with us at my shower. I worried that it might be a huge scene, but they quietly slipped into the back room and talked for a good while. All of their conversations by phone until then had lasted no more than a few minutes ending in someone yelling and hanging up on the other.  Their relationship is toxic. Really horrendous. But HBear loves her mom and wants so desperately for her mom to love her unconditionally. And her mom does love her, I don't doubt that for a moment, however she is so consumed with her own issues that she just can't seem to be there for HBear the way that this child needs her to be there.

Last Monday, first day back to school after the break, HBear called us to say that she was sick. We told her to stick the day out, and she did. Then on Tuesday she texted to say that we needed to come get her or else she was leaving campus. ML and I went to the school to meet with her and the counselor. She begged and threatened, anything so that she didn't have to stay at school. We didn't budge. She told us that she'd rather live in a group home than live here. I calmly told her that I'd help her find a good group home, but that until she moved she had to keep attending school. She threatened to just leave campus, and the counselor explained the truancy laws and enforcement in our County. Three unexcused absences lands you in front of a judge. She backed down and went back to class. Then that evening she told me that she didn't really want to live in a group home. Go figure.

When I take a step back and look at the big picture, she is really doing very well here. She is attending a full day of classes, compared to the 3 hours of classes that she barely attended at all. She is back on track academically to graduate with the class of 2013. She is working 8 hours a week at a job, compared to having to no other structure in her life. She is abiding by our house rules, for the most part, and generally making progress towards her long term goals of graduating from high school, getting her drivers license, and surviving as an independent adult.

Regardless, I am so pissed that she lied to us.  We intended to confront her about it tonight, by giving her a chance to come clean on her own, and then taking the night to consider a suitable punishment. But ML was out late and by the time I'd finished homework with her, she went straight to bed. The reality is that we don't have anything significant (meaning anything that she cares about) to hold over her head.

It has to be her choice to make the right decisions. Our challenge is figuring out how to manipulate her into wanting to make better choices. Its hard though because I can't relate to where she is coming from.  I know why I lied to my parents (on the very few occasions that I did), but I'll stand to this day behind my reasons for making the choices that I did. My mom suggested that I was well behaved because I didn't want to disappoint my parents, which I'm sure was an underlying reason, but never something that I thought about specifically. I'd suggest that there were lots of things that I enjoyed in life, sports, ski trips, extra-curricular activities, borrowing the car, etc that I knew could be taken away from me.

We really are trying to figure out how to focus on HBear's strengths. We are trying hard to give her every chance to be successful. I wish that she could figure out how to play along.